[Roma]

Hi Speed,

I just saw this and thought it might be helpful for you. I don't see your page so I'm posting it here.

Survival Instructions for Newbies
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0


Take care of you and your children now. The rest will fall in place the way it's supposed to.

[Thunder]

Speed,
I think Keep Believing and FacePalm both gave excellent answers to what rock bottom feels like.

KB:

I hit rock bottom in my addiction. The feeling is this..   You absolutely feel there is no reason to live. You feel alone ,helples, emotional pain. You hurt. You want someone to take it all away. It came on slowly  inside of me, no one would have known but i knew , i pretended , i was doing nothing different than usual  but my cry for help real help was extremmely dramatic one day.  I crashed. I went to rehab that evening after a long day and started climbing out the next day after my bottom. I realized i had to fix myself and no one could do that for me. I had to want a new life. I did not like who i was and what i had become. The thing i feared most was losing my h .

FacePalm:

Rock bottom for me was when I was crying inconsolably and felt completely helpless.
I remember a specific evening falling asleep after begging God to take away the pain because I couldn’t do it anymore.

I believe this is how most MLCer's feels their rock bottom.  It's like you get to a point where you have no choice but to surrender, stop running and finally get to acceptance.  You know you are the only one who can change your life.

Speed, I think you will know if that happens for your W.

[Nas]

I've re-read a few accounts recently by MLCers describing their journey, some on other sites, but one of them that comes to mind is the MLC journey recounted in this thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5388.0

A common thing I've seen in accounts by MLCers is a description of being literally on the floor sobbing after some kind of realization that didn't seem to be brought on by any particular event - for example, from the above thread:

"The depression could no longer be silenced, I finally hit rock bottom – I woke up one morning in my apartment looking at my sleeping affair partner with a fragmented memories from an alcohol induced fog from the night before.  In my hangover stupor I was suddenly struck by deep feelings of anxiety - I did not really know the person who lay beside me...
 I kept these feeling in check long enough to ask my affair partner to give me some timeout and upon starring at a photo of my daughters in happier times I crashed – I curled up on the floor in a foetal position and cried and cried and cried for the loss of my innocence, self- worthiness,  integrity and for the person I used to be."

I think a lot of times rock bottom is not any kind of big traumatic event, but happens more within the person hitting rock bottom.  In those cases, we might not recognize that they've hit rock bottom, but might recognize a change in their behavior that follows hitting bottom.

So I would echo what others have said about not worrying about when or where rock bottom will be, because we can never know for sure, but if we're looking too hard, there's always the potential to see something that isn't really there.

[Dji76]

Bottom for me was sitting in my car in the pouring rain and being completely numb. Dark thoughts raced through my mind and the realization that I hadn't acted on them was a choice based on values, not fear. It occurred to me that I was fearless and capable of anything in that moment. I truly had stopped giving a f about anything. In that moment Im not even sure I had it in me to care about my kids :/
More than anything, being in that head space frightened me. I knew in that moment I could act irrationally without fear of consequence. I remember texting or calling Elray who mentioned emotional exhaustion which seemed to apply. I also called my counselor who I had not seen in a few months and met with her. I know in many ways my journey mirrored that of my xw. Fortunately I made different CHOICES in those critical moments that prevented a bad situation from getting worse.
This brings me to another point. There was a thread asking if the person in MLC has any self control. I don't think a simple yes or no does that question justice. I know for me, I did make choices in those critical moments. Those choices were guided by my personal values and that is where I believe the difference lies. I think the person in MLC does make conscious choices and decisions that often times are in direct contrast to their long held values. In an effort to escape depression I think they intentionally make decisions in direct opposition to what they know to be right. Perhaps the temporary thrill/brain chemicals provide relief and that brings on the fog. Ultimately I do believe they are making conscious decisions to go against their morals and values and when you change your values you change yourself.

[speed racer]

Thank you everyone,

Even though I didn't really know what Rock Bottom was, I was under the assumption
that it was what the MLC'r had to go through to pass through the MLC.

I didn't even think about the LBS hitting rock bottom.  I knew they would be absolutely devastating, I knew their entire
life would change and they would never be the same person again,
but didn't associate rock bottom with the LBS.

There are some replies that I can't tell if you were the MLC'r or the LBS - which is strange, because there is a big difference
between being the MLCr or LBS, (or stander)

My IC has told me that every aspect of the MLC life is affected (not just the marriage and family)
The have told me that they are not thinking rational at this time. That is why nothing you do or say will help.

My IC hasn't actually said the words "MLC," but everything they have said about my situation is exactly what most of the people here (who respond) do.  They also have told me that the person in MLC destroys first the Marriage/Family - completely destroyed.  Then their lives start to get out of control and then the persons in MLC begins having problems at work/career.  This happens even when they have had an impeccable career throughout their whole lives - their employment somehow suffers...

Has any of you noticed this with you or your MLCr?

Speed

[Nas]

My H decided he hated his job with such an intense passion that he quit and moved 1100 miles away to start all over in an entry level position.
For at least a year and half before he quit he was miserable there, completely irritated by coworkers he previously was close to and he even told me one day he yelled at his boss. 

[nah]

  They also have told me that the person in MLC destroys first the Marriage/Family - completely destroyed.  Then their lives start to get out of control and then the persons in MLC begins having problems at work/career.  This happens even when they have had an impeccable career throughout their whole lives - their employment somehow suffers...

Has any of you noticed this with you or your MLCr?

Speed

My husband was a leader in his industry, making almost 1/2 million a year.  He switched companies about 2 years before BD with promises of doubling his income within a few years.  This new company is where he met "the girl".  He was fired about nine months ago and now can't get a job in his industry b/c he burned all his bridges in such a short time.  He has since became a real estate agent but has yet to sell one house.

[whatthe????]

Speed,
That's definitely the pattern I see with my H.  I am about 14 months post BD and our "family" has been changed-I REFUSE to say destroyed b/c I am not going to raise broken children and I do not want them to see their dad as destroyed-we say hurting and struggling.  His job, which he has been very respected and successful in for 17 yrs, has collapsed around him.  His ego and pride took over and he has, in the past year, burned so many bridges and ended so many relationships at a rate that is mind blowing. 

For me, it's really scary to watch the one you love spin completely out of control and self-destruct....it's hard.  I pray to not develop a hard heart towards him or any other relationship for that matter.  It's really easy for me to throw walls up and keep everyone out when I am scared.

Hang in there! We're all here when you need us!

[Dji76]

"There is such a difference btwn the mlcer and lbs."
Im not so sure this is completely accurate.

[sisyphus]

I don't know if my W has hit rock bottom and I don't really care. I have shared this story many times but my rock bottom was about a month after BD when I was in a cycle of --oh my god, what is W doing right ow, I need to check all social media and our phone bills, I need to beg her to come back, etc. etc.

I was away with the kids for the weekend and she was away with friends at a nightclub, looking great, and someone posted a salacious picture of her on Instagram and her OM "liked" it. It was about 3:30 a.m. and I texted her and she wanted nothing to do with me and that was it, the lowest I felt.

The next morning, I woke up and decided--that's it. I'm focusing on myself. F her. I haven't really looked back from there and maybe that's where I differed and started to feel like I wasn't standing.

I started to feel better. I went out on dates and felt better and I began to forget that I wanted her back until I didn't think of that at all.