[Finding Hope]

Anjae,

I totally agree that by the time the journey is at its end, or the LBS has reached a certain point and the MLC'er is still trapped in the tunnel, the needs and wants of the LBS may have changed and the LBS and spouse are no longer needing or wanting the same things.

The time frame, for me at least. Did more damage to my thinking then it helped. Since no 2 MLC'ers paths are the same, it must be that no 2 MLC'ers time frames are the same.

I think some hold onto the time frames of the journey and that it gives them false hope. It did me. I was like OK, he's been into this for this amount of time, so he MUST be here. Only to realize he wasn't.

I threw the time frame out the window. The steps were more important. Realizing how he was acting in regards to the stages were waaaaaaaaaay more helpful then the weeks, months, or years. Of course, I'm just talking about what worked and didn't work for me.

I believe that my husband is in a midlife transition, and has not crossed over to full blown MLC, and though very slowly, is coming around. But, I've been at this long enough to know not to hang my hat on that.

So, our journeys continue. My only HOPE, is that when we each reach the fork of the road, we are there together and continue to journey together.

FH

[Anjae]

The timeframe are a guideline but I agree that the stages are (or can be) more useful. When Mr J crisis started I did not knew what he was suffering from, let alone about timeframes. I found the forum at some point in 2011 and only started to post mid 2011. By then years had passed, now more years went by. Mr J remains where he was: at the nightclub = in Replay.

No two MLCers paths are alike, no two timeframes are alike but as with everything there are averages. Most MLCers fall within the average, some lean towards the lower end of the average and a few go way beyond the average. Of those some have long been divorced from the LBS, others, for a number of reasons, remain married to the LBS even if we had not seen them in years (last time I saw mine was 6 years ago).

It ends up being a bit silly and weird to be married to a completely absent person.

As with everything else when dealing with a spouse in MLC we take what serves us and leave what doesn't.

A midlife transition also isn't a picnic in the park, thing I'm going though one myself and it is a very, very strange place to be. However it differs from the full blow crisis, one if far more aware of things than during a full blown crisis. At least that is my personal experience, so, again, it will be different for every person.

[Stillpraying]

Another interesting article by Rick Reynolds.

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-betrayed-spouse-were-they-thinking-of-me?utm_source=Article+of+the+Week&utm_campaign=0b41337940-aotw_05_28_2014&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_ba782628b7-0b41337940-312831325


“What were you thinking? Did you even consider the consequences? I just don’t understand how you do this without thinking at all of me and the kids!” Carol’s eyes burned into Tim like lasers. Tim, her unfaithful spouse, hung his head, avoiding her gaze. "I don't know," he stammered. "Liar!" she screamed. Carol and Tim came to see me after his four month affair with a co-worker. Discovery had occurred when the two of them were rearranging their living room furniture. Tim handed his phone to Carol while he moved the couch. That's the moment when Ann's text popped up saying, "Love U. Can you drop by?" Carol stared at the phone in disbelief. Tim saw the look on her face and asked what was wrong. She held the phone up revealing the text. At first Tim lied saying it was nothing, then he claimed they were just friends, but once she discovered his secret email account, he had no choice but to come clean.

From the beginning, Tim told her it was just a fling and meant nothing, but that only inflamed Carol's anger. Was he willing to put her at risk and lose his family over something that meant nothing? He had written Ann telling her he loved his wife and that it was over, but that offered little relief to Carol, who was triggered each day he left for work. He had fooled her before; how could she know if he was telling the truth now?

Tim begged her not to leave and swore it was over. He agreed to whatever she wanted if only she'd give him a chance. She wanted answers and she wanted them to get help. That's how they ended up in my office. Carol just couldn't get her mind around it. They had a good marriage and she'd been a great wife; why hadn't that been enough? What was missing? What could lead Tim to risk it all for some fling that allegedly meant nothing?

"Didn't you even think of me?" she asked Tim. The tension in my office was uncomfortable to say the least. "Do you really want know the truth?" I asked. I turned my gaze to Tim, "Do you mind if I tell her, and you can correct me if I'm wrong?" He nodded his head in consent. "When he was with his AP he rarely thought of you, but what's probably more painful is the fact that when he was at home he frequently escaped by thinking of his AP.” "Why?" she cried, "Is that true?" she demanded, looking at Tim. "He's right."

Before I go on with this article I'd ask you the same question, do you really want to understand the dynamics of infidelity? For most betrayed spouses it's difficult to accept their mate's explanation because of what we call "assumed similarities." We can only judge or understand another's motives by what it would mean if we did the same thing. For instance, if you're not prone to pain avoidance it might be difficult to understand why some people drink. Part of the danger in writing this newsletter is my use of stereotypes and generalities. Please remember to take the best and leave the rest. FINALLY, I AM NOT CONDONING OR EXCUSING ANYONE'S INFIDELITY BY THIS EXPLANATION. I only hope to help with perspective on what was going on for some people. Genuinely understanding what was going on in the mind of an unfaithful spouse can help bring clarity, healing and peace of mind, if used properly.

I have been in this field a long time and have seen over 3,000 couples, and a majority of the unfaithful spouses I work with have reported thinking about their affair partner (AP) when they were with their mate, but rarely thinking about their mate when with the AP. One person said there were times she thought of her mate when with her AP, but she only focused on the things she disliked to help push her guilt away.

While this may be disturbing to the betrayed spouse, I believe it helps explain a dynamic frequently present in unfaithful spouses. Affairs, as well as many other acts of infidelity, often serve as an escape. They provide a distraction, allowing the unfaithful spouse to escape the realities of life. Unfortunately, in that moment little or no thought is given to the impact of their actions, they are solely focused on what they stand to gain (escape, approval, affection, etc.). Rarely does anyone consider why they are doing what they're doing; typically their only thought is, "I'll never get caught." They don't consider what it must inevitably cost their mate, or what they could do to improve their already existing relationship since they are only thinking of themselves.

When it comes to relationships, it's impossible to find someone capable of meeting all your needs or someone whose needs you can fully meet. You may love your mate and be content in the relationship, but we are two separate individuals making sacrifices and compromising to live life together. For many it's the fact they've given so much that makes them value their marriage.

If, however, we are under-invested, then we won't value the relationship to the same degree. With a lack of value comes a lack of motivation to protect and work through the difficulties of marriage. Instead of maintaining an attitude of love and caring concern as we vowed to do, we betray ourselves - abandoning love and become self-consumed. Whatever captures our attention captures us, and as we focus on our mate's failures we lose sight of how we are failing our mate and family. Misery is increased as we focus on what is lacking rather than the blessings we have. We move into self-deception, extolling our virtues, minimizing our faults and falsely believing we deserve better.

If life is viewed through that kind distorted lens it's tempting to start dreaming of something different as a way of escape. It's interesting how easily we're deceived into thinking our problems will be solved by a change in circumstances. Sadly nothing could be further from the truth. External fixes rarely work. The only type of baggage that never gets lost in transit is our personal baggage. That baggage never fails to show up at the new address.

It may be hard to fathom, but many unfaithful spouses don't want to leave their marriage, but they do try escaping their reality (at the expense of their mate) through the activities of their secret life. If they are trying to escape reality through the illusions created by their extra-marital activities, why would they want to burst the fantasy bubble by thinking about their mate? Thinking of their marriage only destroys the illusion and kills the secondary gain of their fantasy. Why not think of your affair partner when at home if it represents the drug you use to escape reality? 

Fantasy is the window to our soul. The illusions we create through fantasy and acting out reveal what's broken about us, not what's wrong with our mate. Much of recovery is based learning to see our own defects rather than those of our mate. It's based on learning to see how our actions impact others rather than focusing on how our mate affects us. It's learning to make the best with what we have rather than fantasizing about different circumstances to make things better. It's about learning how to give rather than take.

Eventually Tim came to see his patterns of self-deception and avoidance. He actually began investing in the relationship rather than leaving that sort of thing to his wife. Carol finally came to understand it wasn't about her. Not that she was perfect, even though they both felt she was above average. As she came to understand the ‘why’ behind Tim's actions she began to have hope that things could change. As she witnessed his efforts to address his personal issues she developed a confidence that things would be different. Tim’s efforts to understand what he'd done to her helped her see that he cared. Finally, his commitment to help her heal revealed he was finally thinking about someone besides himself.

If you're still searching for why, maybe this helps give insight. As I said before, the above mentioned explanation in no way excuses betrayal, however I do hope it serves as a reminder that great relationships aren't based on right circumstances; rather they are largely dependent on choosing to be the right person.

If you've betrayed your mate click here to register for Hope for Healing. As you work through the material, you'll learn how to get out of yourself and begin to be a person you can respect. If you've been betrayed and it just doesn't make sense, register for Harboring Hope. It will give you a path to healing. Don't make emotional decisions; instead get the information needed to find what you're truly looking for.

[bipolared]

Great article, thanks for posting!

[bookwrmmom]

Stillpraying,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! That was so worth reading!

[Searching4Answers]

Fantasy is the window to our soul. The illusions we create through fantasy and acting out reveal what's broken about us, not what's wrong with our mate. Much of recovery is based learning to see our own defects rather than those of our mate. It's based on learning to see how our actions impact others rather than focusing on how our mate affects us. It's learning to make the best with what we have rather than fantasizing about different circumstances to make things better. It's about learning how to give rather than take.

Thanks Stillpraying

This part stood out to me the most.

[UKStander]

Thanks, SP.  It was good to read that, as I'm struggling to believe, after 3 years, that a) this wasn't about me and b) that the escapist relationship with OW is unlikely to succeed.

This is something from it that I will always remember and quote a lot:

"The illusions we create through fantasy and acting out reveal what's broken about us, not what's wrong with our mate. Much of recovery is based learning to see our own defects rather than those of our mate. It's based on learning to see how our actions impact others rather than focusing on how our mate affects us. It's learning to make the best with what we have rather than fantasizing about different circumstances to make things better. It's about learning how to give rather than take."

And,

"great relationships aren't based on right circumstances; rather they are largely dependent on choosing to be the right person."


What a comfort! 

[Stillpraying]

UK and Searching....that stood out to me also.  

Hugs,
SP

[Dagolark]

hen it comes to relationships, it's impossible to find someone capable of meeting all your needs or someone whose needs you can fully meet. You may love your mate and be content in the relationship, but we are two separate individuals making sacrifices and compromising to live life together. For many it's the fact they've given so much that makes them value their marriage.

If, however, we are under-invested, then we won't value the relationship to the same degree. With a lack of value comes a lack of motivation to protect and work through the difficulties of marriage.

This stood out to me, because omg, it's so true about my relationship.

I own the house where we lived. I handled all the bills. I took care of the cooking, cleaning, tidying. I gave up my life in London and shipped all my stuff back to go live with him and start a life together! (not even 6 months before his crisis).

What did he invest? Nothing. He was just kind of there, floating along. He didn't make any sacrifices. Never helped in the house. Didn't even pick up after himself. Didn't make concrete plans for the future. Spent his time playing videogames, watching tv, sleeping... in total selfishness.

It was always all about him. Tbh now I don't understand if this is connected to MLC, or if he's just an immature boy who doesn't know what it means to take responsibility for his own life, let alone for others.

I also took care of my sick grandma, sorted out the mess left behind by my junkie stepfather, handled my studies, my life alone in London... he couldn't even keep his papers in order, just lost them around the house. I can take responsibility for myself, and am now at the point where I'm strong and responsible enough to help others when they need. He never had to deal with a single thing in his life...

[God's child]

this article was very good.  I realized why my ex is trying so hard to "impress" his children.  The OW is considered the "family counselor" other woman.  Early on in our break up my ex try to explain to me why he understood what I was going thru because the ow stated to him that I was losing him and I was acting out. Really?  Well now she has him full time and now she will have to analyze him as to why he is such an butt!!  God will take care of him and the family counselor OW.  They both deserve each other!!