[rover77]

http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2010/08/23/eat-pray-love-where-are-they-now/

[calamity]

rover, That follow up article was hilarious.  Reality check or what?

R2T, where'd ya get so smart?

[iamnottheenemy]

HuffPost's authors usually get it wrong, but the comments can be worth reading. Here are a few I compiled after BD:

You don't ask the person going through the crisis if they are having a mid-life crisis, you ask the people around them who know who they were and how they used to think. The person in crisis is confused, forgetful and ambivalent. They can not and never will cop to being labeled as someone experiencing a mid-life crisis. But everyone around them can plainly see the vast changes and feels the unbridled ramifications the person experiencing the crisis leaves in their wake. They have lost their footing, they have questions about everything with very few answers. The self they used to be no longer has grounding in the body and life they are living. They are desperately searching for a way to make sense of it all and to get back on solid ground. And because of this they act out.

I know this through direct experience. I watched my lovely wife transform almost overnight to an entirely new person who had very little use for anyone who was important to her before in her new life. So far, I have hung in there and watched, learned and grown myself. And because of this I am witnessing the other side of the crisis. I am witnessing an awakening. I would venture to say that most people are only around for the tearing down, the destruction caused by the mid-life sufferer. They never get to see the ever so slow recovery and grounding on the other side.

This is what happened to me and my husband. His sudden, extreme change in behavior (and total loss of ethics - he took almost everything we own and cleaned out my bank account to pay for an affair with a woman he was soon cheating on) and complete disowning of me and all of his old friends) were so dramatic that MANY friends wanted to legally and medically intervene in order to check whether he had a BRAIN TUMOR.

He had acted like he loved me, never told me he was anything but happy, never stopped sleeping with me, never stopped telling me he loved me... until the day he just left.

I don't know what happened to him but midlife crisis is the only thing that makes sense; he appears to be healthy two years on so I don't think it's a brain tumor.

I miss the husband I knew. I don't know who this person is, but his complete change in personality makes me think of the German word "Doppelgaenger" - the concept of someone having a twin (or evil twin) must have come from somewhere! Like demonic possession, I suspect the idea of Doppelgaenger comes from a radically changed person who no longer bears any resemblance to the person s/he used to be.

I still miss my husband and don't understand what happened to him - and though I try not to, I keep hoping one day he will be back. I loved him truly.

It happened to me! Seven years ago when my husband was 42, he decided he wanted to re-unite with his high school sweetheart. He just packed and left one Sunday morning! Needless to say, I was quite upset for a few weeks. After 6 months, he called me out of the blue one day and wanted to take me to dinner. I was just curious enough that I had to go...and needless to say, my kids were furious with me! But I went and we had a wonderful evening. We ended up dating for 6 months before I let him come home. To this day, he can't tell me why he did it. He says that something just came over him and he felt like he had to do it. For the last 6 years, he has been the most loving, kind and selfless husband a woman could ask for. Guess the old saying is true...you don't know what you have until it's gone. And that goes for both of us!

Let me tell you what a mid-life crisis does to families. I was married to a very successful surgeon. I myself am a doctor. Three wonderful children. Then it happened. The sports cars. The woman. The cheating. All at 50 years of age. Then the blonde hair to look younger, the tanning. The parties. And then the depression crash. The practice is no more. The divorce. Three successful children who were good students plunged. Their home gone. No college for second child because no finances and refusal to pay. Mother working 8am to 9pm. Third child raising himself. Extended family divided. Debt paid now by mother after 5 years of husband's spending. He is remarried to 26 year old and he is 61. Children have no relationship with him because 26 year is jealous of his daughter. After counseling and family that stuck by us the children and I have spent first Christmas in 5 years with all trimmings. A whirlwind ride I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I have heard or known about at least 50 situations where (mostly men) have fallen apart around their 40's, up and walked away from a devoted family and left the family completely shocked. I also experienced a 42 yr marriage where my husband had a mid life crisis every 20 yrs and finally divorced. Wine --lots of it-- women and chasing after men of status and power. Experience is truth for me and unfortunately, I continue to hear more stories every week.

Of a group of 10 friends, 7 of them had husbands in their 40s up and leave without warning. One came home from work, announced he had a 19-yr-old girlfriend, and walked out on his wife and three young kids. Another sent an email while on a business trip saying he wanted a divorce. His wife and two kids were shocked. A third thought it was a swell idea to hook up with prostitutes he found on Craig's list. A fourth had secretly been taking a girlfriend on business trips with him, while the wife stayed home and cared for the kids. You get the picture. In all cases, these were educated men with good jobs who seemed to love their families. The wives were devastated because they thought they had good marriages.

I've seen quite a few men and women run off with younger partners for a few years, then suddenly realize they threw away what was truly important. In every case it was far too late to get back what they lost and they all are these sort of sad, ghost people who lurk at parties, laughing too loudly and drinking too much while trying to get off with younger people. It's kind of pathetic, particularly how they dress.

My sister-in-law's husband went through a classic mid-life crisis with nose job, sports car, moving to a new town, losing weight, chasing younger women, etc etc. The only reason the marriage survived is that he didn't catch any. I myself went through a rough patch when I hit 40 that lasted years. The only people who laugh at a mid-life crisis are people who have never had one.

I went through what I know to have been my midlife crisis and have seen many others go through it with no childishness or dishonesty or irresponsibility involved, only deep inner conflict and despair.

It is not a myth! I had one and wished I had had cancer instead! I was in a fog and hurt many people that I cared about! Thank goodness I survived it and was able to repair some of the damage!

I'm 51, I watched everybody I knew who was of my age go through a midlife crisis. Most did not handle it well, generally they came out of it less happy than before.

I clearly remember my father going through that phase while my mom was trying to cope with menopause. What's more interesting, everyone in the family detected something was off with my dad except him. He traded his sedan for a red convertible T-Bird & started wearing age inappropriate outfits and borrowing my music CDs. Unfortunately he was never able to recognize these sudden changes and still refuses to accept anything was wrong. I hope mine be a lot milder. That's why I shared your blog with my wife and asked her to keep a watchful eye for early signs.

[toughtimes]

Posting these responses is great, thank you for that. So many people telling the same story!

[Dagolark]

Those are some great responses. I'm a little concerned about the person quoting the 7 out of 10 statistics l...II'm getting really discouraged about the future. I'm dealing with a crisis already at 26, am I doomed to suffer through another in 20 years no matter who my partner is? *shudder*

I hope we will see an increase in serious articles about the topic. .. but I think for the moment we're still at a point where those who haven't experienced it first hand think it's made up...

[Thundarr]

I found the timeframes interesting.  Makes me wonder if I might be experiencing some depression or despair unrelated to XW......

[leemo2000]

http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/love,-sex-and-relationships/the-three-little-words-that-ended-a-marriage-20140810-3dg37.html

[forthetrees]

http://news.yahoo.com/antidepressants-affect-feelings-love-partner-165147134.html

[kikki]

Would be interesting if they would include a control group that is depressed but not taking medication.  To see how these results differ - if indeed they do?

[Anjae]

Since the serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) seem to affect men's felling of love and tricyclic antidepressants women't feeling of love, all it may require is to perscribe the right med.

Also, many of our MLCers were not taking anti-depressants. Their feelings of love completly changed. When Mr J was depressed twice, years before MLC and took fluoxetine (prozac) that is a SSRI he never lost his feeling of love. He just felt angry, irritated and become a little violent. We both were very scared of the effects it provoked him.

Maybe that is why when he told me he was depressed, months before he left, he said he did not wanted any meds. He may had remembered the effect prozac had on him. Both me and the doctor from the company he worked for told him there were other types of antidressansts but Mr J did not even wanted to head about it.