[Writingmom]

In looking through many of the posts, I seem to be in the minority with an H that is actually following through with a D!  It is difficult not to feel inferior.  Am I so bad that he was determined right out of the gate and has not looked back?  I know that he is in full MLC, but so many seem to waffle on divorce, move back home, etc... and that has never been an issue for me.  Is anyone else in the process of divorce?

Bomb drop was a year ago.  The divorce will be final in the next month or so.  The thought of being here a year ago made me physically ill.  He has maintained his love for OW but at times lashed out at me for no apparent reason and continually tries to find fault with me to level the playing ground.  It's exhausting.  I remember reading from RCR that some followed-through with divorce and hoped with all that I had that that would not be us.  Turns out I was wrong.  He wants OW so badly that he's willing to make it legal for me to be out of his life!    Again, hard not to take it personally even though I have focused on self and God; the concept of divorce is sickening.

Also, it seems to minimize his guilt to think that I will be financially taken care of.  He offers to buy things, money has still come in as usual.  He has had some extreme purchases, but otherwise not spent our every dime.  Feels like I'm a problem that he wants to pay to leave, and yet he is the one that has caused so much pain!  I wonder when he will ever see what he's done. 

He continually paints a picture of happiness with OW and reminds me how much our daughter likes her, etc..  Moving on is one thing, moving on while he already has a happy family to go to is difficult.

[OldPilot]

Divorce is only a piece of paper. It is necessary to detach and let go. In your case I would try to be NC as much as possible. Your H thinks he will find happiness once he is divorced. This is not likely!  The happiness that he appears to have is a "masked depression". Once you are D the OW will be the one that is at fault rather than you.
Let go of your H and work on yourself.
You need to control the only person that you can. YOU!

I know it is hard but you can do this.

[Writingmom]

Thank you.  I really have been focused on self-improvement and do not engage in his drama at all.  I guess with the divorce drawing near and his "happy phase" kicking in to high gear, I have back-pedaled somewhat.  Never dreamed I'd be here but trusting that I will be okay.  I know that we're not supposed to guess which phase they're in or how long it will take for rock bottom, but man, I'm ready for some grief to shift his way!  ;-)  Thanks again. 

[OldPilot]

WM

I posted a link in the resource above on a book I read and a website for it. Try using that link.
Also RCR has a link for detachment at the livestrong website. Have you read that?

[Writingmom]

No I have not read it but will check it out.  Thank you!

[Courageous wife]

Writingmom-

Old Pilot is right!  It is only a piece of paper!  I am in the same situation you.  My MLCer has filed for divorce.  I was devastated at first but am detaching and standing.  They say that a spouse with a lot of guilt will file immediately...I have never gotten an answer on if that having guilt is a good thing or a bad thing but I guess it doesn't matter!

They seem happy on the outside.

My lawyer says to take advantage of the guilt!  Of course, we know as standers, we don't want to totally alienate them but make sure that you are taken care of if this divorce does go through.

Work on yourself, try not to think about your husband!

[Still]

WritingMom,

I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.

Try to step away and focus on yourself.

[OldPilot]

WritingMom,

I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.

Try to step away and focus on yourself.

Great advice Still!

CW glad to see you here!

[Writingmom]

Great advice.  I have been following it, but gotten off track!  They paint such a convincing picture of happiness.  And dragging my daughter in to it this weekend (he took her to the baby shower!?) has made it difficult not to panic.  Thanks again. 

[Still]

Writingmom,

You are so much stronger than you even know! You are able to logically discuss your situation and you are seeking answers.

Even though some of our spouses have not filed for D, it doesn't mean they are any more committed to the marriage. I really think it is a journey.....for them and for us.