[Writingmom]

Sometimes I wonder if the hurried filing in the beginning is pressure from OW/OM or if it is that they think will bring them relief like a drug.  The D process is not quick (at least in my case) and I wonder if H got the relief from filing that he assumed that he would.  I would guess that filing has led him to diminished guilt?   

OW wants her D over quickly also, which makes me think that they are planning to get married.  This is definitely not the typical affair that ends quickly or quietly.  I can see that it is going to be a long, long, mess after reading back over more of RCR's commnets from the beginning. 

Focusing on D, H or OW always gets me off track.  At this point I don't see R, I see years of aloneness in my future.  If God chooses to heal our marriage, it will be way down the line.  Until then, I have to continue trying to appreciate what I have and where I am. 

I too understand that H is not himself.  This is not who he is, and yet he has made decisions that have taken a wrecking ball to  my entire family.  Cleaning up after his emotional bombs with three children has not been easy.  If the D happens, it happens.  If I've learned one thing in all of this, it's that I don't get a vote in the outcome.  I am completely dependent on God.  Not a bad place to be although my impatience and desire for companionship might say otherwise. 

[Mermaid]

Dear WM, You've given so much sensible advice on other threads, but ask for little yourself. Yet you must be going through so much!!!

My H has suggested D too, but sees it as "just a piece of paper" so not worth doing except to make things clearer to me. They are all going through a similar process; they demonise us, fantasize about OW, and fail to face the real problems inside.

It may take a long time for him to realise his inner problems; you need to face the possibility that it may not happen quickly enough for you, and you may not want to stand. He's still got the power to hurt you; can you give him that power?

You say you feel the need for companionship, but will it bring the peace and happiness you desire? Other people can distract us, keep us company, but  they cannot make us happy, we have that responsibility for ourselves. I'm sure you know this, so sorry for being obvious.

[Writingmom]

Thank you, Mermaid.  It is not always obvious!  It seems to depend on my mood. 

D8 is especially clingy to me after she's been with H/OW.  I completely accept the role that I need to fulfill during this season in my life.  I don't dwell enough on companionship to actually seek it out.  It is more of a long-term hope that I have.  Even then, I understand that it may not happen. 

I am content working on self.  It is particularly difficult though when H/OW play house with my kids.  My moods, D's neediness and our combined hormones make for a stressful day at times!  But I know that with patience, beauty will some how arise from these ashes.  What that looks like, I have no idea.  One day at a time.  Baby steps. 

Thanks again, Mermaid. 

[Courageous wife]

Sometimes I wonder if the hurried filing in the beginning is pressure from OW/OM or if it is that they think will bring them relief like a drug.  The D process is not quick (at least in my case) and I wonder if H got the relief from filing that he assumed that he would.  I would guess that filing has led him to diminished guilt?   

Me too WM...I would like to think it was pressure from OW especially now that the initial filing is done, H hasn't moved forward with the D.

This is definitely not the typical affair that ends quickly or quietly. . 

I will have to go back and read up on A's.  Unfortunately, my H's OW is not married and free as a bird!  You are right, OP's are like a drug...hopefully, someday, the "drug" doesn't give them that high anymore....

    Focusing on D, H or OW always gets me off track.  At this point I don't see R, I see years of aloneness in my future.  If God chooses to heal our marriage, it will be way down the line.  Until then, I have to continue trying to appreciate what I have and where I am. 

You got em WM....gotta try and quit focusing on your H and OW!!!  Easier said than done!
As for years of loneliness in your future...that is up to you!
Heal yourself first...YOU deserve it WM!!!!

[Dontgiveup]

Writingmom

In regard to the quick divorce, I think the answers are yes and yes.  My good friend's wife divorce him and was married to OM within the next year.  Based on recent correspondence from her to my friend, it doesn't seem the "new life" she was looking for has provided her with what she thought it would.

In my case, there was no OM, but I agree with my counselor's view.  He said that she most likely doesn't understand the emotional turmoil she is in, or why she feels like she does.  From what I understand about depression piece of MLC, when it sets in the MLCer has all these memories.....but even the positive memories are tinted with negativity.  When you add in the anxiety, doubt, fear, and other strong emotions, you get the tornado that is MLC.

As LBS, it can be and is lonely.  I just try to keep in mind that as lonely as I am, my ex-wife is probably in one of the darkest and loneliest times in her life.

[Writingmom]

I see no reason to think that H will not remarry.  He has thrown everything in the MLC book of nightmares at me, including having a baby with OW.  Marriage would not shock me that much as he seems to be the extremist of the extremes.

This is a solo journey for the LBS.  D or not, you are all correct in that it is what we make it.

[MarkedandHealed]

WM I just wanted to throw in that I am so sorry you find yourself here. This is so hard, and you are right, it will be a very long journey. I worry about you. Will you be able to sustain yourself during this journey? You talk about being alone. What are your plans for this future you are now building? How do you see yourself moving forward and how will you take care of yourself so that you are healthy and happy?

You have such a good handle on this and you do give such good advice. I don't mean to suggest that I worry you won't be OK, just that your H has really thrown the book at you and it's just so hard to watch. You are obviously strong and intelligent and will get through this well.

[Writingmom]

Marked, going to post on my thread but thank you.  Love your words of wisdom and encouragement.

[Free at last]

WOW I sent her a birthday card last wed her Bday was july24 she texted me wanting to talk after 5 months of NC I agreed to a cup of coffee at Paneras she just cried and begged me to let her come home I said NO then she tells me she told her attorney Stop divorce I'm staying very guarded with very little communication. I only answer her after she contacts me with very short answers cordial but guarded. 

[MarkedandHealed]

What is your reasoning for saying no?

I'm thinking specifically of RCR's situation where her H had multiple returns.

Just wondering.