[Filled with faith and hope]

I have a question. What are the signs that an MLCer is starting to exit the tunnel? I know everyone is different but would just like to know if there are things in their behavior that would be a sign.

Ehill, our BD were close in timeframe. I can see that H are now depressed but still making new sets of friends,mostly girls who are needy,  trying to fool the world that he is deliriously happy. He is talking more of GOD  , like he is aware now that his doings aren't acceptable to God...he monstered at me before I went no contact....I have no idea what stage can we definitely say that they are getting out of Replay, hard, but I learned not to pay any mind of any of it...Before, I am super duper obsessed. It doesn't matter what stage he is or isn't at.  He is bat$hit crazy and the best thing I  can do, is get the hell away from him...not waste my energy thinking of where he is, what he is doing or not, just heal and get over him....

 AnneJ- (This helps a lot!) Leaving behind replay behaviour and friends, start to look more openly depressed, start to be able to see what they have done. Even if just a little bit of the mess they have caused.

Your BD was short for MLC time frame. It is unlikely your husband is already coming out of his tunnel but it may happen.

[ehill]

Thanks Ladies,

He has left behind those friends and is leaning back more toward the old ones. He keeps apologizing for what he has done to hurt me. Keeps telling me he just doesn't know what to do. Says he can't seem to be in control of anything including himself. I know I just have to stop worrying about him and concentrate on me but we all know how hard it is to watch the person you love more than anything be hurting so badly.

[crazyjourney]

This just came to me whilst reading a post.

Our spouses ask us to be their best friend/buddy are they actually asking us to be their alter ego, their split self and if so what could this mean.

We know ow/om is the anima/animus guide so what could it be they need from the alter ego/friend/buddy.

I havent really allowed my h to keep a very close friendship as it hurt too much with ow and I am wondering if he has put our sons into this role instead as he sees them as his mates, he refers to them as mate.

Any ideas anyone ?

[kikki]

CrazyJourney - this is a very good point.
Goes along with the MLC depression sign #1 where they see us as an extension of themselves.

But then they project all of their rubbish onto us too though - so maybe this waxes and wanes.

Part of the mate thing with the sons is the regression in maturity from what I've seen.

My H has been in and out of our home a lot - and while I would never consider that we are 'friends' - I am sure he views me as something like this. 
Every few weeks he is desperate to have a long talk to me.  I don't hold back with the truth rockets (now that we are 3.5 years post BD).
Maybe he views me as his conscience??  I definitely get a sense that without these talks he would be causing far more havoc out there and spin far more than he already is. 

[Anjae]

Good question, Crazyjourney.

Think what they need from the alter ego/friend/buddy is someone they know, trust, and will nod their head to everything they do. They expect us to accept (in the sense of agree) with everything they do and want.

They also want us to allow them to remain close to us, be intimate with us, they want to keep what they perceive as the good things they have with us without any responsability.

Would say the role of alter ego/friend/buddy is better left to some lifelong friend of the MLCer who is capable of enduring the crisis or some MLC friend/buddy.

Doubt if we stay their nodding, I'll agree with all you want mate they will respect us when their crisis is over.

[crazyjourney]

Kikki and AnneJ

Thank you for your replies.

My sons also work for h and I do feel they pick up a lot of loose ends especially things he forgets, one of the things he asked of me in the early days was to keep him focused.

He definately wanted to be one of the young ones and hang out with sons but also seems to use youngest as a compass maybe, youngest son has been more understanding toward him which is why he has been the choice I think, but will also stand his ground with him and keeps him right in a roundabout way.

I think I have just realised this, food for thought isnt it.

x

[Lovely1]

My H now stalling the divorce ... Wanting to talk to me for the first time in seven months ... I sense he is resurfacing ... He says he now wants 'peace' in his life, not the excitement he demanded 13 months ago. What is all this about? thank you.

[Anjae]

Hard to tell, Lovely1. Some MLCers come and go, resurface and dissapear again. Other start to get out of crisis sooner but 13 months post BD it would be rare for a crisis to be ending.

Maybe your husband is not pleased with his new life and is wanting to get back to see how it feels.

If you're fine with it, let him talk to you and tell you what he wants/is thinking about doing.

[Ready2Transform]

I think the legal process is a bit of a reality check - even my "vanished" H has been stalling the D in his own ways (though I'm sure he's not ready to admit that. ).  I truly hope it's given him a bit of a wake up call, and I'm with Anne - it's up to you if you're interested in seeing where his head is.  I would keep expectations low, but as someone going through a D - I would listen.  Even though it's just a piece of paper, there is so much money, red tape, and drama that a D encompasses.  If there was a chance of saving the marriage before it all happened, I'd try.

[Thundarr]

Hmmmm...this all gets me thinking (probably shouldn't).  XW started the D process in May 2011 and in our state we only had to be separated 2 months for it to be final, yet she drug her feet considerably and did very little for the first year and a half.  It wasn't until October of 2012 that she scheduled mediation and signed everything over, then stalled again until January to file to have it finalized.  I wonder if I had opportunities to possibly save it during that time and if she was perhaps waiting for me to do so, and now my window of opportunity has closed.  Not a good thought....