[Bailmor]

As he says goodbye he tells D16 that 'we are going to get through this'...

Lovely1,

This is a great sign in my mind, him using the word "we" and expressing about getting "through this..."  That may be a breakthrough but it could also be trying to hang on while he continues his MLC journey.  Only you and your daughter know the intended meaning.  Continued success and progress!  (Hugs) 

Bailmor

[justasking]

IMO I think for your H it was a small moment of clarity for him and his D. He had had a very positive interaction with his D and felt that. His focus is on their relationship at the moment and unfortunately it may slide again before their relationship is completely restored.

Hugs

[Lovely1]

Thank you for replying justasking and bailmor. It is so nice to know that someone is out there and reading my posts!

H is 50 today. The OW had bought plane tickets three months ago to take him abroad for a surprise weekend. Obviously v keen early on that she whip him away from under our noses, just in case we had plans for him for his 50th ... She is insecure about us.

Anyway, he told me two and a half months ago how much he was 'dreading the sadness surrounding my birthday', so no surprise that he rang today at 9.30am sounding as though, as D16 said, he was 'about to burst into tears'. I saw his number come up on the machine and didn't want to talk to him. I am furious with him. And her. What are they doing celebrating together in a no-hope relationship such a big number? I have done so much for him/with him in 20 years, and celebrated every birthday ...

The children rang and sang happy birthday at 6.30pm but left it on his answer machine on his phone ... He has not yet rung back.

He also mentioned that he was coming back tomorrow. D16 said it sounded as though he didn't want to be over there.

Let's hope this is the last holiday they have together ... I give him two more months to come to his senses...

The last convo I had with him, he said he didn't feel right being in our family, and being in the part of the country where we live. I think he has had enough of OW, but needs to feel right about being back with us again ... Here's hoping.

Funningly enough, I feel as though my soul is starting to heal. Do I want him back? On new terms please. Or I will find someone else. The future no longer frightens me.

[LoveMeMyself]

I have a question. 

I took this from the thread titled:

Discussion topic for the Veterans and especially those in Mental Health


RCR wrote this and it stood out to me and I'd like some clarification. 

She said: Ex. I am not a fan of No Contact, I prefer Dark and sometimes it is in effect No Contact without the official boundary. I also don't advocate pursuing. That doesn't have to go with maintaining No Contact and yet sometimes the two get associated together.

I'd like to know in what way and/or how do we manage this?  I mean, in what way and how are we to contact the MLC'er and how often?  Or is this not meant that we, the LBS, should contact them but just respond as they contact us?  I'm slightly confused.  Many on the forum have stressed no contact as it appears to be pursuing. 

[Mitzpah]

LoveMyMan,

I think this is how I am with my h.

I do not initiate contact. I just respond if contacted. In my case it is practically No Contact because he is not interested in contacting me.

Even if I have issues (behavioural) with the kids, I don't contact him, I have learnt the hard way that there is no use in it, I just get blamed or criticized and NOTHING is solved. Fortunately the kids are all old enough for me to do this.

It is definitely better for me and it is what he wants. It is probably more comfortable for OW, too

For me, it is a way of respecting his wishes and keeping out of the way of nastiness. He definitely does not want a relationship with me at the moment.

[OldPilot]

I agree that you should let them control the CONTACT.

Remember that RCR's history was with a clinging boomerang, with a vanisher or a low energy it is possible that you will have no contact by default.

You do not want to pursue, IMHO.

[Rollercoasterider]

RCR wrote this and it stood out to me and I'd like some clarification. 
She said: Ex. I am not a fan of No Contact, I prefer Dark and sometimes it is in effect No Contact without the official boundary. I also don't advocate pursuing. That doesn't have to go with maintaining No Contact and yet sometimes the two get associated together.
I'd like to know in what way and/or how do we manage this?  I mean, in what way and how are we to contact the MLC'er and how often?  Or is this not meant that we, the LBS, should contact them but just respond as they contact us?  I'm slightly confused.  Many on the forum have stressed no contact as it appears to be pursuing.

No Contact is a boundary--a rule. So if your MLCer contacts you--he calls--you let it go to voice mail. Dark is not a boundary, so if your MLCer contacts you, maybe you will answer--though sometimes you will still let it go to voice mail.
When working with the Boundary, your MLCer needs to know that this rule is in place because the idea is that he is not supposed to call you at all (unless it's an emergency). But we know how MLCers are with supposed to sort of stuff.

No initiating by you though.

[LoveMeMyself]

Thank you....Mitzpah, Old Pilot......And RCR!  I really appreciate you all clarifying this for me.

I'm not sure I can classify my MLC'er as a vanisher or not. I've learned a slight pattern in his contact with me.  As long as he is involved with an OW he tends to be far away and not much contact.....but when he's been in between OW's he tends to contact me more.  He is with OW #3 for the second time now. The first go with her was very short lived but he recently hooked back up with her.  She is 10 yrs. older and I believe he only hooked back up with her because she was available as the other two had moved on and now have other relationships. This OW was an easy bandaid for him to apply. I hope and pray she starts peeling off.

RCR, you wrote what I had been thinking about no contact but I wasn't sure and so I needed to get verification.....so, I thank you.  There are seldom times either of us communicate but on occasion such as the vacation property incident I have to contact him.  I have learned not to reply to things he just forwards to me from the Board of the vacation property.....especially since he doesn't address me or anything.  I have learned so much from this forum and feel so thankful for it being here for us.

[DancingInTheRain]

Hi all.
I'd just like a little more clarification on no contact being a boundary and a rule.

My H shows up each weekend to mow the yard. He is cycling away now and it appears that he has finally moved in with the OW. We are 1 year post BD. At what point in time do I say "As long as you live with OW and are committing adultery, do not come to the house?".

Under what conditions does one initiate No Contact?

[Still Kicking]

Not to interrupt but I have a weird question.   Sometimes I will be reading through the posts and will come upon some where people are really crying out for help repeatedly and no one else seems to be on yet or noticing.  The other night one poor person had mentioned having no reason to live and thinking about not continuing on anymore.  I read up and it wasn't the first time this was mentioned.  I try to say something to at least bump the thread but am really worried about saying the wrong thing.  One of my deficits is that I'm not one of those warm and comforting people people.  Not to pass the buck but is there anyone to alert if we feel someone is in serious trouble and needs more experienced help?