[Ready2Transform]

Keep in mind that the end of their relationships do not always equate a reconnection with us - at least not right away.  You will only know in looking back when replay has ended.  You had said in an earlier post here that you were putting your marriage in God's hands, and that is a really good plan.  He knows the ultimate outcome and timeframe for everything.  Let that help you keep the focus on yourself for now.  {{{hugs}}}

[limitless]

I'd like to echo what Ready2 has posted.

My H's first "schmoopie" OW (his ex-wife from 35+ years ago) was over as he walked out the door back in August of 2010.  Not sure what happened (he would never admit it) - but I believe she was never interested in anything longterm with H and ended it early after he left his family "for her."

All my H did was try to find a replacement.  He attempted to revitalize his relationship with his high school girlfriend (so MLC...and so pathetic).  That didn't work..and it seems he finally found a willing OW (#3, by my count) back in August of 2011 (the month he asked for a divorce).

The OW is merely a symptom of MLC...not the cause.  Just because the alienator relationship ends (and that is a question, as well, as many are on again/off again for some time before it "sticks") does not mean that the MLCer will go to the next stage. 

I guess that is why we are told to focus on ourselves and our families.  Watching the MLCer can be misleading...and very frustrating.

Limitless

[Dontgiveup]

Why has H told his mother it is nearly the end, and not me?

RCR's article MLCers Run Even When The Alienator is Gone may provide some insight.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_mlcer-run-when-alienator-gone.html

[Lovely1]

I am so touched that you have all responded.

Thank you so much R2T, limitless and dontgiveup.

I understand that my H may still be in Replay (though pretty sure nights out with the boys and parties etc will wane eventually). I doubt he will find another OW altho if he does it will be pretty short. It was always about whether he went with OW or stayed with us. OW was so'different' from me ... well it has caused him much pain. I doubt whether he will go along with someone similar to her again ... and someone different from her is of course me!!

I think H may be going into withdrawal. He is asking a lot of questions (to me and others) about why this happened.

I think he is in still in MLC and trying to work it out.

Thank you very much for the link. I will continue to remain calm and not initiate contact. He described me ten days ago as 'strong, dignified and noble' and I will try to continue to be so even though I have terrible moments of utter despair.

What I also need to work out is whether the future H is really the right man for me, but I guess that will take time and lots of conversations...

Still don't get why he has told his Mother.  She was also the first person he told (before he told me) that he was leaving me ... Maybe he doesn't yet know how he feels about me etc and so is thinking about it all.

I would like to help him get through this emotional stage.

My sister had a dream that he was lying dehydrated and shrivelled in a foetal position and everyone was panicking except me who told everyone to remain calm and that I could handle it!

I think there are a fair few months left of this MLC but not much more than that before he attempts reconnection ... and then the MLC journey I presume will continue with me by his side.

But maybe I am second guessing too much!

In the meantime I leave it in God's hands!

Hugs to all.

[justasking]

Lovely

Withdrawal can be seen throughout the process of MLC. Your H is still in replay and therefore a long long way from the withdrawal stage. He  is most definitely in MLC................. His quietness is because he has split with OW and he will be grieving over the lost relationship.

IMO you are also seeing a touch and go. During these times they have moments to weeks of insight and questions and then run again.

As to whether he will find another OW, well that is in his control and not yours unfortunately. You are making lots of assumptions about what your H will and will not do. We as LBS have no control over them.

My H left in Sept and I was convinced that he would be home by New Year. He too had talked about how we had got here, where he needed to go and was very withdrawn and depressed. That was 4 years ago.

Drop the rope completely. Get out of God's way and let the process complete in it's own time. At the moment you are over analysing what is happening and will potentially get hurt unless you protect your heart and detach from his emotional rollercoaster. We have all had that happen to us.

If he talks validate his feelings etc. But be prepared for him to run and hide again. As for telling his mother it's nearly the end that could mean anything. The last person any MLCer will tell anything to is the LBS. That in itself tells me he has a long way to go.

Sorry for such a negative reply. I only want you to look after  yourself and move forward for you. Both of you have a long road ahead at the moment.

Hugs

[LaughLoveLive]

Hi, wondering if someone could please pop over to my thread where I posted a question. I think My D11 is going to face a situation of meeting OW for the first time since H admitted relationship unless I can get some boundaries in place that H will respect(D11 already knows OW as she has been H secretary for some years)

I have posted a draft email and hoping please for any feedback/suggestions/other ideas before I send it.

Any help much appreciated...LLL

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3399.msg213608#msg213608

[UKStander]

Keep in mind that the end of their relationships do not always equate a reconnection with us - at least not right away.  You will only know in looking back when replay has ended.  You had said in an earlier post here that you were putting your marriage in God's hands, and that is a really good plan.  He knows the ultimate outcome and timeframe for everything.  Let that help you keep the focus on yourself for now.  {{{hugs}}}

Ready2Transform.... Can you say more about what you mean by 'only know in looking back when Replay has ended??'  I thought we'd know but seeing them tumble into Liminality, but maybe Replay behaviours change?

[Ready2Transform]

From what I understand, many times there will be touch and goes that look a lot like they are entering liminality (this happened with my H in December 2011).   Several posters in reconnection, and RCR and stayed have also stated this in regards to their reconciliatons.  I know there is a quote in the articles that states this better than I did, but I'm having a hard time finding it right now.  I did find this, which I think also fits:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

If your MLCer seems depressed it does not mean they are finally going to hit rock bottom and be in Liminal Depression. They could be a Low-Energy Wallower, but Replay is resilient and like all of MLC it includes cycling moods and behaviors.

[Anjae]

When my cousin who had MLC reached Liminal Depression it was different from all is previous “going down”. My cousin was a wallower and his crisis was mild compared with most of our MLCers.

In Liminal Depression he broke, he literally could not move, speak, react. There was not an ounce of energy left for any MLC behaviour. My cousin had been “dead” for nearly three months. He has “wake up” from that vegetative state late August 2011.

After he “wake up” from that vegetative state, some behaviours that seemed similar to the previous one remained, and there was a peek of euphoria. But my cousin finally accept to stick to one doctor, start to talk about his depression, how he never wanted to go back to that dark place.

It is different and we will know when we see it.

My husband has been depressed (and in Replay) for years. Many times he seemed to be near the end and it looked impossible to carry on. But he is a very high energy Replayer and managed to sustain Replay behaviour for ages. OW1 has been out of the picture for over 5 years, OW2 has been in place for more than 4 years. OW2 currently lives and works abroad. Mr J fuel to Replay is not OW but is clubbing and DJ activity and is clubbing mates.

[Lovely1]

H had his first 'nice' chat (alone in the house together) with D16 today ie the first one in several months where she has not cried afterwards ... They talked about news items, her exams, her future prospects ...

As he says goodbye he tells D16 that 'we are going to get through this'...