[Napiliprincess]

I desperately need a mentor.

[Madmax]

I need some help on how to let my H know thai am "standing".  As far as I know H hasn't been to see an attorney.  In the first weeks after BD, my sisters fussed at me for not seeing a lawyer, so I did.  I was so furious at him I sent a text telling him we could get an uncontested divorce for about $2500, but I expected him to pay for it.  That infuriated him.  He had a a bitter, expensive divorce from is first wife.  That night we talked about it and he said I was crazy and that I was misled because I needed to actually file, blah, blah, blah.  A couple of days later he said he looked it up on the web and saw that it is pretty easy to get one if you do not have kids.  Since then I have gone to see another attorney and told my H.  Happened to be the same day he had his awakening at work about what he had done to his career.  He was really upset and said I was wasting my money.  Since then we have had a couple of fights about it and he thinks I'm "lawyered up" so I can screw him in a divorce.  He's said that if I really want a divorce he would drag his feet, but wouldn't fight me on it.  Now I'm afraid I may have led him to believe that I do want a divorce.  We have to live separately for 6 months and have a property settlement agreement.  That's it.  I feel like the clock is ticking now.

I posted this in my thread, too.

I will respond on your thread.

limitless

[DCD]

Hello Mentors and knowledgeable fellow LBSers. 

I have a nervous stomach for the first time in a long time over a situation that has come up with husband having to do with son.  I guess I am hoping that I did the right thing, and am looking for some advice from people in a similar situation as to how now to deal with this as it unfolds.

Husband is supposed to have son for a weekend every five weeks.  this doesn't sound like much, and it isn't at all.  he does see him on evenings after school once or twice a week and then the usual pick drop off and pick up at school when his schedule allows.  In the past, husband would stay with son the entire weekend at our house if I was away.  If I wasn't going away, he would likely pick him up in the afternoon and drop him off shortly after dinner time and take off as fast as possible.  It's unfair that I have to be the one to vacate if son is to spend any real time with his dad at all.  His last scheduled weekend with son didn't happen at all because I was home.  I didn't make a big deal about it as it was Mother's Day and I wanted to spend the time with son but he didn't even so much as take him for supper the friday or saturday - complete no show.  So this coming weekend, I didn't want him to do the same thing.  We discussed things pretty calmly by text and I confirmed the weekend.  He immediately asked if I would be away to which i responded that i would be around but that that shouldn't make a difference.  He could pick up son first thing in the morning and drop him off at bedtime if he wasn't able to make other arrangements.

HUSBAND: Ok.. So I got billy Friday night to Sunday.. U will be staying elsewhere.?
ME: No. I'm in town...I'll be in and out. Have to save up for all the driving over the summer. You can drop SON off to sleep and grab him in the morning if you're unable to make other arrangements but I do hope he can hang out with you for the bulk of the weekend
HUSBAND: Since u will he staying at the house . That limits the time and place I can stay with him.. So I Will pick him up and drop him off. But we can't stay away for hours. And I can't get him too early.
HUSBAND: Since there is nothing open in early hours.
ME: Geezus HUSBAND - I won't give you cooties. I'll stay out of your way. You can take him to your place. You can take him to the places you'd usually go to on your own. It's your weekend and you have a few days to figure it out. Be creative
HUSBAND: I wouldn't take him to where I stay.. Too uncomfortable..and when its my weekend . U usually go away so I can spend time in our house with just him and I and have a place to crash together. Not running around looking for things To do all day.
HUSBAND: I can take him for haircut and fleamarket . Maybe a movie .. Other than that we hang out at house together.
ME: That's fine - you can do that. I'll stay out of your way but it's unfair that you show up at noon to pick him up and then take off after supper. It's his time with you. You're gonna need to get over the uncomfortableness of it all. You can't keep milking your situation and using it as an excuse not to have SON. We need to be realistic about this. I'll be around, but it'll be brief and out of your way. I hope you'll be there in the morning and spend the entire day with him sat and sun, as per our original agreement. It's unfortunate that you feel uncomfortable having him at your place but that shouldn't impose on SON's time with you
HUSBAND: No. I'm doing it out of respect for u.. Not having him around her.. So I will get him early sat and Sunday...
ME: I don't believe that, I'm sorry. You have no qualms having her around SON when it suits you. I had asked that of you previously because by your own words, she's not overly stable and wasn't a permanent part of your life. You agreed but did it anyway. I'm not interested in getting into a big argument about this but it's time to get real. I don't believe there's any respect involved at all. It's inconvenient to you, if anything. But it's something you need to deal with and resolve because we can't keep having this same discussion every time you're to have SON
HUSBAND: Then u have to be real and know that SON may be around her then.
ME: Yes, I get that.
ME: If she treats him kindly and respectfully then that's all I can ask
ME: And that you respect that it may be hard for him at first and not to get angry with him but kindly help him adjust
HUSBAND: I would always make sure he is ok.
ME: Good

Otherwise, son doesn't get time with this dad and I really don't get time to myself.  I guess I figured it was time to be honest about the situation and about how husband uses this excuse as a reason to spend little time with son.  If he's to continue his life with this person, then son will need to know her properly, will need to be as comfortable as possible with that situation if he is to be a part of his dad's life.  Otherwise, my big fear is that husband will leave son behind, too and that breaks my heart for son. 

Did I do the wrong thing here? I know the usual rule is to minimize exposure of children to the OW but it's been three years since he's left, two and a half years since we've known about ow and he has already introduced them, had son stay over when I was away, pretty sure she's been over to MY home while i was away... this way we're no longer playing games and he can no longer use that excuse as well as me not having to scramble around for a place to go and stuff to do on his weekends... I'm just really feeling  that it has come to this.

thank you!

[alwayshope]

I find nothing wrong with what you did/said.  I dont' know your entire story, so forgive me if I say something out of line, but I find it ridiculous that he would expect you to leave your home so that he can stay there.  Again, I think not only did you do nothing wrong, but you stood up for yourself and took some positive action.  Good for you DCD!

[DCD]

thank you, alwayshope, for the boost.  i'm struggling with this but i really feel like it's time that his real life and fantasy life come together and he starts dealing with his responsibilities where his son is concerned.  he used to be quite fond of telling me "i left you, not son!" but he doesn't say that anymore because he likely can no longer get that whopper out without choking on it.  it's one weekend every five weeks or so...i'll just keep telling myself that 

[alwayshope]

thank you, alwayshope, for the boost.  i'm struggling with this but i really feel like it's time that his real life and fantasy life come together and he starts dealing with his responsibilities where his son is concerned.  he used to be quite fond of telling me "i left you, not son!" but he doesn't say that anymore because he likely can no longer get that whopper out without choking on it.  it's one weekend every five weeks or so...i'll just keep telling myself that 

Screwtape always says that too, he left me, not the girls.  It is amazing to me that they actually believe that.  My dad used to say the same thing - I wish I had been bold enough with him to tell him he was full of crap.  When Screwtape was visiting one time (I had asked him to come over to talk), he kept telling me he's not coming back, etc... I was crying, begging, etc... and as I was listening to him, incredulous that this person was my H, I had an 'aha' moment... it wasn't a good one... I always loved my dad, and thought he could do no wrong, but in that moment, I grew to resent him and told Screwtape 'You are making me hate my dad!'.  It's crazy how that comes around after all this time...

DCD, don't struggle, let your H struggle, he deserves to feel uncomfortable. 

[Slow Fade]

he used to be quite fond of telling me "i left you, not son!"

This must be script as my H said this to me too. Excuse me? Want to explain that one to me when you don't see him but once a week if that?? Hmmmmm.

[fidelle]

My H just Skyped S16 after 2 weeks of silence, saying "why don't you talk to me any more?" When son answered it was because his Dad never contacted him, H replied that it was always him who initiated contact (once in a blue moon!) It's so unfair to S to make him feel guilty and responsible for keeping in touch after all that H has done, especially as S loves his Dad and is not one to talk about how he's really feeling to me. Do these b#%&*y MLCers not see what they're doing? I hope beyond hope that this really is a process and that they will come through it....sigh 

[DCD]

Alwayshope, I'm working at letting go of this struggle. You're right!! It's time he squirm a bit! Heheheh...screwtape...

Slow Fade and fidelle, don't you wish you were allowed one free slap a day, no consequences I'd save up several weeks' worth and let rip on the next stupid thing that drops from his mouth!  It sure is fun to think about.

Thank you for your thoughts and support...I hate this 

[crazyjourney]

Okay trust me to ask this one !!!

If the mlcer no longer sees himself in the mirror image what does that suggest.

Any ideas anyone.

x