[OldPilot]

When you get to the marital recovery phase you will be more detached than they are now and so you will be less sensitive (less, not immune) to triggering and flashbacks.

I recall OP saying there are a thousand registered members here; I can only think of a few that are in marital recovery, that being said, wouldn't the above quote read better if it began with an "IF" not a "When"? The "When" implies certainty i.e. it is just a matter of time. Is it wise to give the impression that marital recovery is a certainty?

She does not say how much TIME,
I do believe that the LBS gets to decide in the end, and if you have not gotten to decide yet, then it is not the end.

Oh and FTR as far as  I know my wife has never had an affair with a real person.
So does that  mean their was no infidelity?
After reading some other websites I have decided that infidelity can include just plain abandonment with no other person involved.

Honestly OP, if you don't have infidelity in the midst of this, don't force it on yourself.  It does take the pain and betrayal to another level.  It is bad enough that they abandon - believe me, I get that.  But I truly wish all I had to deal with was a liar and not also a cheater.

What is your definition of cheating, another person?

I understand how much PAIN everyone is in, I have had my share.
And if I was to find out tomorrow that she had started on a real relationship or gotten married, it would not surprise me.
My point was not really about forcing it on myself or not, it was just an answer to a comment made earlier that the infidelity might happen after divorce.
It is all just symptoms and part and parcel of MLC.

NOTHING anymore would surprise me or shock me.
Well with the exception, if my father got up and started walking again.
THAT would shock me!

[honour]

When you get to the marital recovery phase you will be more detached than they are now and so you will be less sensitive (less, not immune) to triggering and flashbacks.

I recall OP saying there are a thousand registered members here; I can only think of a few that are in marital recovery, that being said, wouldn't the above quote read better if it began with an "IF" not a "When"? The "When" implies certainty i.e. it is just a matter of time. Is it wise to give the impression that marital recovery is a certainty?

She does not say how much TIME,

So, it is a certainty then? Just a matter of how much TIME??

I would NOT condone telling a newbie to brace for an OP because "all MLCers commit infidelity."

Agreed. Bracing implies you should expect it.

So, in the vast majority of threads we read of infidelity but we are advised not to tell newbies to expect it (infidelity); whereas,  in comparison, we read of reconnections in a miniscule number of threads but are led to believe marital recovery is a certainty, it will happen, it's just a matter of "when".

Intuitively, that doesn't sound right.

[OldPilot]

So, it is a certainty then? Just a matter of how much TIME??

I think the part that is certain is

I do believe that the LBS gets to decide in the end, and if you have not gotten to decide yet, then it is not the end.

Have you already decided?

Intuitively, that doesn't sound right.

Don't you know that everything here is Counterintuitve.   

[Rollercoasterider]

[/color][/font]

When you get to the marital recovery phase you will be more detached than they are now and so you will be less sensitive (less, not immune) to triggering and flashbacks.[/color][/font]

I recall OP saying there are a thousand registered members here; I can only think of a few that are in marital recovery, that being said, wouldn't the above quote read better if it began with an "IF" not a "When"? The "When"implies certainty i.e. it is just a matter of time. Is it wise to give the impression that marital recovery is a certainty?

Actually Honour, I think you make an excellent point and I am glad that you noticed. This is one of those things I do mostly deliberately as part of Ericksonian seed planting, though it's also become habit. I often hover my fingers over the keyboard in a dilemma (yes literally) about whether to use if or when. I want to give hope and if can do that, but then in my own situation I wanted to use when because I was certain and I want to not imply a guarantee or certainty but encourage or instill a confidence in LBSs.
Sometimes I have wondered if I should use if when posting to the group like I did here--so for generalizations and use when or if when I am coaching--and then I really do weigh it with the situation. That was the weirdest sentence to right with all those if/whens and sometimes using them in the sentence as part of the construct. I hope it is clear.

I specifically recall an incident with Chuck--fall of 2006 around October--in which we were having a discussion and I referenced his coming home as when rather than if and he caught it and felt so relieved--that I would be open to it and allow it. But that was an individual situation and given that he already had a pattern of returning it was a pretty good guess that it would be when.
Given all that rambling explanation, I think you may be right and I should use if for generalizations like that post.
What are everyone else's thoughts?

[Anjae]

I prefer when. It is more positive and hopeful, and, for me, in the context we use it, it is not a certainty it is a possibility. If sounds a little "if it ever happens", I sense it has more negative.

But it may be because English is not my first language. Even if in my own I would use quando (when) rather than se (if) in the same context.

[kikki]

That is correct Anne.  In English, when is a whole lot more positive than if.
I too prefer it. 

Where your thoughts are - your life follows.

[Dontgiveup]

What are everyone else's thoughts?

My individual thought is using "if" is fine, though I'm totally fine with "when".  There are posters who have expressed concern about giving false hope.  I'm personally not one who has that concern, but (as I've been told) I tend to trust the MLC process as much as anyone.

With that said, I understand there is no guarantee my marriage will reconcile.  What I do know is that my marriage will not reconcile until the MLC process is complete.......and I have a high degree of confidence that will happen.  I'm actually intrigued to see who my MLCer will become.

[Anjae]

I'm actually intrigued to see who my MLCer will become.

This I also am as far as Mr J is concerned. But I don't know if I will have/want him back regardless of who he will become. I don't doubt he will exit MLC (even if his one is a very long one) and return. For me, what have always been a question was what I would do when that happens.

[cherryblossom]

This is a really interesting discussion

I'm not a veteran, so I guess this is more of a newbie (I guess at just over a year since BD I'm still fairly new) observation.

Finding this forum was a life-line and I have always found the advice to be sound and realistic.  That realistic perspective has helped me - to detach and GAL.

Knowing that there is a timeline to Replay has helped me focus more on myself and be realistic about the contact that my H would make with me.  Rather than be something negative it's been valuable to have such an accurate timeline.  And I can see that it's accurate for my H, so far, and for those MLC-ers who are further down the road with this.  I do also trust that we are all capable of judging our own situations, but again I would like to say that the timeline has helped me to not get drawn back into the craziness of MLC.  That is a GOOD thing for an LBS.

I knew about my H's infidelity prior to finding this forum but infidelity is a real issue with MLC and to not mention it is to be unrealistic.

Since there isn't an actual medical diagnosis yet we do have to rely upon the experience of others.  It's all we have to go on right now.  There are so many parallels with our stories that it seems logical to conclude when we are dealing with MLC.

My experience of my mentor - Limitless - and other mentors and LBSs has been understanding, encouragement and support.  I can't overestimate the value of finding a place where people UNDERSTOOD what I was going through.  I wasn't mad!  I worry that if we start to tell any LBS who finds themselves here that they may just be experiencing an estranged spouse and to try some techniques that it may back-fire and they may feel in a worse place and also feel unsupported.  I would be concerned about creating that doubt.  If an LBS is not, in fact, experiencing a true MLC-er spouse they will report different behaviours and I would imagine they would eventually come to the realisation that it is different, themselves, when their experience and story doesn't resonate so much with other LBSs on the site.  Meanwhile at least they've had the support and a place to talk through their feelings and story - and GAL (which is something that can help anyone, regardless of an MLC spouse).

Whilst it fascinates me to find out more about MLC, from a medical perspective, I see this forum as a place to heal the LBS.

x

[1Cor.13]

I agree AnneJ..even though it's just been 23 months since BD and finding out he was committing adultery @ 1 month prior to BD and his moving out..I keep my faith in God, but honestly, although I do forgive him (it's been a process, not an event)..there has been so much damage, I really don't know if I want him back anymore. I stand because I am the kind of person that is very loyal, but I have learned ALOT about my own fragile limits in all of this. It would at this point, I believe, take an act of God for him to come back, and for me to want him back at all..I don't really consider him a friend anymore..I have never had a friend screw me and our child over the way he has, just sayin'...

Blessings,
1Cor.13
Married 20 years
one child, 16 yrs, D
BD Aug 2011
ILYBINILA
OW, yes, before BD, still with her, they have never lived together, she has 2 young children and is divorced.
OW wrote me one e-mail telling me that she "was praying that I would accept the end of my marriage.
Nice girl.