[Stillpraying]

Found this again and thought I'd 'BUMP'.

[cosette]

attaching

[Roma]

I was just thinking this very topic and somehow, there is already a thread on it. So I am bumping this up for 7/16

~Elegance

[heroIam]

If there isn't already a discussion on this somewhere , it would be so helpful to get some clarifications, insights or descriptions about Hope vs. False Hope vs. Expectation.  (Specifically but not only) in relation to Vanishers that are still financially responsible.  Thank you.

[Ready2Transform]

Not to be obnoxious with links, but RCR says it best.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_assurances_hope_false-hope.html
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_gratitude_expectation-and-the-gratitude-of-job.html

Both of those have deeper links in the sidebar as well.

[Reallytrying]

You know how I feel about this but - hope is yours. I don't believe it is ever truly false because it is all about how you feel. Hope is your desire for something to happen. I hope my husband will return - I have had that hope since he left 2 years ago. I maintain that hope independent of his behavior. Expectations have strings attached. These are artificial strings that we create and often come with inherent disappointment.

For example lets say it is our anniversary. My hope is that my husband will spend it with me. Expectations could he that he bring flowers. He does spend the day with me but he doesn't acknowledge the date or bring me flowers - I am now disappointed. I am not disappointed by my hope but by my expectations. The artificial behavioral criteria that I have set in my head have led to me being disappointed and also prevented me from enjoying that he was with me.

Any time you set artificial deadlines  for someone else's behavior  you are creeping into expectations (I think).

I don't think any of this changes based on the behavior of the MLCer. There is potential for hope and expectations whether you have a vanisher or a boomerang, etc. I think it's all about managing emotional detachment which helps to allow hope without the dangerous expectations.

[heroIam]

RT.
Appreciate you weighing in.  What you say makes sense.  I suppose what is challenging is trying to find the right tool or coping skill that works for the LBSer ......and is sustainable.  It's not so much "deadlines" in my case anyway.  It's about still being legally married, and H being financially responsible.  Deep down in the back of my heart is an "expectation" that comes with that which I'm trying to disable and work through.  As I believe it is what is keeping me stuck.

[heroIam]

I did find this RCR article which was helpful.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_assurances_hope.html

[Beacon]

Deep down in the back of my heart is an "expectation" that comes with that which I'm trying to disable and work through.  As I believe it is what is keeping me stuck.

I agree with you Hero and I am struggling with this same problem right now. I believe I have successfully detached and I always have hope of course that my W will return and we can both walk our new paths together. Like you I still feel like what is holding me back is this underlying "expectation". If I ever find an answer I will advise.

[Reallytrying]

I don't think it's easy to stop the expectations. I think the thing is to consistently challenge yourself when you start to spiral. Usually you'll see that your own expectations are what are there. After doing that for awhile you'll begin to be able to stop the thoughts before they set you up. Anytime I catch myself saying something like "maybe he'll be back before my bday". Or "he won't want to keep paying the bills for long so this will end soon" or "if he still loves me he'll blah blah blah" I try to interrupt those thoughts. I honestly think it's just practice - it's really hard at first then it gets easier and easier to catch yourself before the thoughts lead you astray.  Even with practice we all get tripped up sometimes.