[Slow Fade]

Myself, after all the work I've done working on getting my life back to a even keel, I can't see why I would want to take my X back now. There would be no upside to it, my kids are against it and I'd probably spend the next couple of years playing NSA monitoring her phone calls, emails/browser history just to prove to myself the R was real.  I'd most likely just feel like a spare tire, a fall back position until the next OM comes along, and that's no way to live.

So your "odds" of reconciliation are low.....you're not interested.  That is talked about frequently in different threads.

That does not mean your MLCer will not make it through her crisis.

From Stories and Human Behavior
The person who comes through the MLC tunnel may be vastly different than the person who entered the tunnel and different than the possibly multiple personalities in the tunnel. How your MLCer is now is not indicative of who he might become. An MLCer may become stuck, but those are the rare cases. More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation.

DGU you are an inspiration to me. You rock.

[I believe in angels]

And that is the lbs dilemma, either wait for the mlc er to come out of it and reconcile or for the mlc er to come out and not reconcile.

I have looked at all the options so to speak, and although I would love to reconcile with my h, I am no standing still, I am going forward with my life and taking the opportunities that arise.  If at all someone else comes into my life and I am happy with that then i will go with it, that may not last , it may last, no one knows.  I am just going with the flow and seeing where my life takes me now.  UNfortunately I see my h being in his mlc for a long haul, I have this sense, but my life has to go on. x

[Braveheart]

RCR reading your response what comes to my mind about ODDS.

There is a 50% divorce rate here in the US for first marriages, approx. 65-75% for second marriages.

So if I knew that when I got married 30 years ago, maybe the odds were against me?
Would anyone on this forum have not gotten married many years ago, just because the odds were 50/50?

I think not.
Maybe we give pause at entering another relationship.

But to Braveheart you didnt do so well at the 50/50, what are you doing that is going to make the 75/25 different?
Or maybe I am not understanding what MOVING ON means to you?

To me it sounds like you are STANDING, working on yourself, not worrying about your Ex-W.
Maybe we have different definitions.

I haven't seen anything that you have done that is different than what we are saying here.

I think I did quite well, we lasted 24 years, just about everyone else I know in my cohort of friends made it to less than 15 years ;~) I'm pretty sure I'll never marry again, while mine was good pretty much right up to the last year,  it appears to have been about as good as it gets compared to what I hear from others about their marriages. I honestly don't think I could get that lucky again.


I think the difference in my case is some "Talk the Talk", but don't  really "Walk the Walk", I ran the Walk ;~) We hear posters talking about detachment, but in reality do not appear to be following through. Some are maintaining almost daily contact with their MLC'ers and obsessing their every move, reading their FB and pumping their children for information. Most of us do this early on and it's understandable, but I feel recovery requires early, drastic, consistent action on all fronts, physical, spiritual and emotional.

I was borderline suicidal after BD and had to fight that final option tooth and nail, I lost 22lbs in the first two weeks and looked like a war camp survivor. I became ashamed of myself for even contemplating that option and I realized I never wanted to be in that position again. I came across "the 180 plan" and followed it to the letter, I forced myself into the gym at 6am , plus cycled 10-15 miles everyday just to burn off the stress hormones and exhaust myself so I could get a straight three hours sleep. 

I found I felt much better the more I did it and it got me back out among people again. I participated in fund raising events, joined the local theater and arts community, meeting even more wonderful people. After about a year I realized just how much my life had improved and that there were others out there I could share my life and all these new interests with if I chose to do so.

At just shy of 2 years BD @ 58 I'm in the best shape of my life, I have many new friends, have reconnected with old ones and for the most part am pretty content with things. I'm in no real hurry to date anyone now, unless I meet somebody really exceptional, but I'm not standing for my marriage or waiting for any change of heart from my X.

[Braveheart]

Braveheart I hear you.

Can I ask how you are going to insure that happens in you next relationship too?

How will you know that you are not dating someone else in MLC or who could potentially have an MLC.

Or maybe YOU might have an MLC.

It's easy, Just about every woman I've run into who has exhibited MLC traits is inked ;~), the fresher the tattoo looks, the earlier the stage she's in ;~) . As far as me having a MLC , I can't see much chance of it, I've always been very happy with what I had and feel in a lot of ways my life has been blessed. I have no burning desire to return to a lost youth, as I didn't miss anything, I didn't marry until I was almost 34.  I have no plans for any long term relationship, or finding unconditional love, short of getting another dog.

[Anjae]

How will you know that you are not dating someone else in MLC or who could potentially have an MLC.

Easy OP, only date someone who already had a MLC. 

I came across "the 180 plan" and followed it to the letter, I forced myself into the gym at 6am , plus cycled 10-15 miles everyday just to burn off the stress hormones and exhaust myself so I could get a straight three hours sleep. 

You may not know, or realise, but this could be seen as MLC behaviour. A man your age, suddenly hitting the gym at 6m and cycled 10-15 miles a day, normally equals a desire to bring back lost youth and MLC. Yes, I know, you couldn't sleep.

Many of our MLcers also can't sleep and keep busy with whatever.

[Rollercoasterider]

My biggest beef is not against standing or people's reasons for it, but the fact that the odds of a successful R being so slim are not front and center gives the impression to new posters an R is just a matter of time.

We hear posters talking about detachment, but in reality do not appear to be following through. Some are maintaining almost daily contact with their MLC'ers and obsessing their every move, reading their FB and pumping their children for information. Most of us do this early on and it's understandable, but I feel recovery requires early, drastic, consistent action on all fronts, physical, spiritual and emotional.

I agree with what it takes to recover. The challenge is that not everyone is at that place as early as either you, I or OldPilot were and I am here to offer help to those people as well as those of us who are more resilient more quickly.
What that means is I am not going to paste warnings about reconciliation being a long shot all over the site because those fragile newbies need hope and I they don't get at least a tiny sense of it right away when they come here, they bounce off the site. If they instead come here and read immediately about hopelessness, they will not stick around for us to help them. What we need to do is meet them closer to where they are. Not right where they are, but stand just a bit ahead of them on the path and beckon them toward us.

[honour]

I came across "the 180 plan" and followed it to the letter, I forced myself into the gym at 6am , plus cycled 10-15 miles everyday just to burn off the stress hormones and exhaust myself so I could get a straight three hours sleep. 

You may not know, or realise, but this could be seen as MLC behaviour. A man your age, suddenly hitting the gym at 6m and cycled 10-15 miles a day, normally equals a desire to bring back lost youth and MLC. Yes, I know, you couldn't sleep.

Many of our MLcers also can't sleep and keep busy with whatever.

The "man his age" wasn't "suddenly hitting the gym" through whimsy, he was responding to a massive trauma. Going to the gym is a healthy way to respond to a life threatening shock. He wasn't hitting the gym in order to look good for the purpose of having adulterous sex but to keep himself from committing suicide. He should be given a survivor's medal not subtle guilt trips.

[Anjae]

Honour, I know that. But I know that because Braveheart is here and telling his story.

I was not offering any gilty tips, merelly stating that the behaviour in itself could be seen as having a MLC. If one is an outisider and knows nothing of Braveheart one will think: MLC.

So, sometimes we may see people showing what we think is MLC behaviour but it is, in fact, a reaction to a trauma. And lets not forget MLC in itself is a reaction to a trauma.

As for the medals, well... we all deserve one, don't we?

[Braveheart]

How will you know that you are not dating someone else in MLC or who could potentially have an MLC.

Easy OP, only date someone who already had a MLC. 

I came across "the 180 plan" and followed it to the letter, I forced myself into the gym at 6am , plus cycled 10-15 miles everyday just to burn off the stress hormones and exhaust myself so I could get a straight three hours sleep. 

You may not know, or realise, but this could be seen as MLC behaviour. A man your age, suddenly hitting the gym at 6m and cycled 10-15 miles a day, normally equals a desire to bring back lost youth and MLC. Yes, I know, you couldn't sleep.

Many of our MLcers also can't sleep and keep busy with whatever.

It could be seen that way from the outside if all the other factors were there, but I had no desire to leave my wife and kids for a OW and run away from my responsiblities. I was pretty happy with my situation, I thought my wife was simply going through menopause until about the last month or so before BD. 

[Anjae]

Yes Braveheart but when we see someone behaviour we see the behaviour. We do not know if the person had, or had not, any wish of leaving spouse, marriage and kids.

One does not go over to a stranger, a certain age or not, we see having a certain behaviour and ask why. We don't know the person or their reasons, we only see what they are doing.

Again, we know your other factors because you're here talking about you and your situations.

Would say sometimes it may be difficult to disting between a woman going through menopause and MLC. Both have hormonal causes, both cause lots of changes and odd behaviours.