Author Topic: MLC Monster Authentic material from MLC'er blog  (Read 22840 times)

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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MLC Monster Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« on: June 16, 2013, 08:29:58 AM »
PREFACE

PURPOSE
- With permission of site owner RCR I am opening this tread where I will put interesting key materials from my wife blog. It is unique MLC'er point of view. There all of us can see how she slowly during the time going trough MLC'er map. And how she feel and react on outer world during the time. I have to translate one by one her's key posts from blog. So will took a while and I will post probably daily key posts from her blog and made my impression about post. Hopefully we all will learn something from that. I consider that material valuable for community, so I like to share that with all of You. Any of Yours comments, impressions are welcome.

BOOK
- She wrote short autobiographic book at beginning of year 2007. There she wrote a lot short stories from her childhood and teenage periods of life. also she made one short story for each significant friend in her life. She ask self why she wrote it in the first place. "I feel like I will die..." It was answer. Also she start to wrote blog in the same year. In that time I did not take anything serious about that. Now I know why she did that.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2013, 08:41:43 AM »
"Saturday, March 10, 2007
Eternity...
Today I'll start with the good old poem from CESARIĆ ...

In the sea of ​​life
What eternal boiling
What eternally evaporates
They are born again
They meet again
Perhaps the same drops
And when you pass through stellar eternity,
An eternity alone
You may be again in a kiss
Again the same mouth.

(This was out of my head, and mr. CESARIĆA apologize if I had not pronounced correctly.)

This is an astonishing verse that I often long ago, comes to mind. I think that nothing in this world is not by accident. Each of us finds a particular moment in a particular place, for some reason. If you sometimes seems that some people have walked through your life without having left their mark, and that the meeting had any sense, then you're well on your way to thinking egotistical. Maybe this meeting was meaningful to them and maybe you're the one who has met some preordained role. Sometimes it's hard to understand why we have someone interesting, and he is not us.

Some people do not notice at all, but once again find yourself with them by chance, you are drawn into the life, and then you realize that that time (before it was gone forever stellar path) while they have not noticed, carries some meaning.

Some people firmly hold to themselves and think that nothing can change, and then they still lose by. But that's your loss needed to learn to appreciate those people who do.

Some people bring joy to their arrival, others by their departure. It is essential that all bring joy (the latter is the base, but it is true).

Some people and terribly annoying because you do not know which is the capital of Hungary. Conversely tolerate quite nice, although the only advantage.

Some people have a life here beside you and your every cue jump, and you're taking it as if it were perfectly normal and unimportant, not realizing how much they mean to me.

Some people, however, appear suddenly, and the next day you feel you are always there.

Some people do your best because you love so the brain says, but you fail, because he loves the heart.

Some people love me, and you have no reason, because the heart has no idea what the logic.

Eventually You cool down a little and sharing those people who themselves have enough goodness that they are worthy to communicate with them joy and sharing this beautiful planet, and those others who are not. The latter move away, but still sharing with them this beautiful planet. At least I'm doing so.

Finally, I would say that now quite mature thinking. And it might be wrong because I thought the same thing when I was 16 From this I can only conclude that all of this is that now I can be more finely processed in the years ahead of me. And you can imagine over your thoughts. You must now smarter and richer for a new or adapted thought than yesterday. Because if not, ask yourself how you lived yesterday in which you have spent. If you find at least something, and yesterday encourage you to be a better person today, then do not stop there. View visionary in tomorrow and see yourself even smarter and richer every next day.

But if not to try and think this is now your peak, unfortunately, then you would be just the way downhill.

Anyway, every great and long journey begins with one step only, so we build piece by piece. And I turn around and look at all of your great stupidity in my life, I can not forgive you because I was a younger and poorer days for a bunch of tiny bits of experience, wisdom, grains, unfinished thoughts ..."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2013, 08:50:00 AM »
She back to inner self and start to investigate inner self. It is start of MLC.

Poem as is point on how life pass fast. And questioning about reunion.

How life depend of pure coincidence. So, her life could be totally different in case that she meet in key points some other people ?

"Finally, I would say that now quite mature thinking. And it might be wrong because I thought the same thing when I was 16."

Contradiction.

She admit that she did not change since she was 16 years old ! Which is one of key points for have MLC !

Also there I can see how she question her social strategy of relationship with people.

"But if not to try and think this is now your peak, unfortunately, then you would be just the way downhill."

She actually think that she is at peek. Because she really did not change at all since we meet. And she wont change. She want to live forever ? So, because she refuse to change nothing else can be in the future then downhill as she said...
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 09:07:53 AM by Albatross »

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2013, 10:09:06 AM »
My husband blogged quite a bit from right before his MLC started and a ways into it.  He even started a second blog in the the thick of it, but it only lasted for two updates before he deleted it. 

It's a window in, yes - but, like with any journal, it's more representative of that moment in time.  I think it might be dangerous to get into a state of analysis paralysis where you hyper-focus on it.  It also makes me feel a little like we're invading her privacy by reading it like this.

Do you think she may ever google search for any of her writing?  If so, if it's pasted here, this site may come up.  If you want to maintain your anonymity from her, you might keep that in mind. 
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2013, 10:27:06 AM »
My husband blogged quite a bit from right before his MLC started and a ways into it.  He even started a second blog in the the thick of it, but it only lasted for two updates before he deleted it. 

It's a window in, yes - but, like with any journal, it's more representative of that moment in time.  I think it might be dangerous to get into a state of analysis paralysis where you hyper-focus on it.  It also makes me feel a little like we're invading her privacy by reading it like this.

Do you think she may ever google search for any of her writing?  If so, if it's pasted here, this site may come up.  If you want to maintain your anonymity from her, you might keep that in mind.

Her blog is on foreign language. So, everything will be lost in translation. Also, blog is on public. I am good, detached, improve a lot my self. I am watching her crumble since year 2007. so, yes I am obsessed with stage where she is because I am waiting to much 6 and half of years :O It is because of me, not her.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 10:32:52 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2013, 12:15:55 PM »
Hi and welcome. Any insight into the MLCer's brain helps us to understand better so thank you for sharing. I am at the 4 year mark since BD.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2013, 12:21:09 PM »
"Sunday, March 25, 2007
Why am I here?
She told me a few days ago girlfriend of mine: "Who will read this?"

I always have something to say and a lot of talking. And, unfortunately, and often unnecessary make philosophy from what I shouldn't. That's all I think its shortcomings, because let's face it, no matter who cares what I have to say. And when I read other people's blogs I'm looking for something which I wanna to write down, but that is not currently in my schedule. And, besides, there are people who know how to tell a different, even better way then myself.

Then this came as a channel to drain excess "rainfall" and thereby reduce the amount of my thoughts which use my mind in circulation (decreasing inflation in some way). Pressure falls, the people around me breathe a little easier, and I can solve the frustration and yet everything I say. There! That's why I'm here.

But you know what??? The tactic I use not really help. There is no better than direct firing of the head. Whit good old dialogue. So I went now to find VICTIM who have to listen to me ... :D"


She obviously build up inner exploration and instead changing self she vent out what bother her, so she use blog for that. Rejection and refusal. That victim at end is me. :D
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 12:22:45 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2013, 12:32:35 PM »
"Sunday, April 1, 2007
Closet
In my closet is a creative mess, and time never schedule so that we save the closet is in a regular schedule. (In fact, neither of which I do not have a regular schedule) Well, it so happens
... the winter cloth all summer mixes with summer,
... the old coats that surely I will never wear, push the shirts,
... you just can not give up those dresses that I got for 14 birthday
...

And then I start to cleaning, open the door and throw everything on the floor. I begin by painstaking sorting, stacking, inspecting, assessing. The vast majority of things with ease arrange on the appropriate shelves. But it remains a minority that still do not know what to do. Some piece of winter merchandise sorry extracted from the summer because we are somehow not fit with either the winter or the summer. Old coat should I throw, but I was still warm when it is received in the hand and onto your face. She dresses me be long but forgotten frames and I am afraid that I will be forever erased from memory as soon as you throw it.

Sit on the floor overlooking glued to a coat hanger and nothing can not fathom. Everything seems already seen and experienced, and time passes. I should close the door of the closet and move on. There's more responsibilities ... But can decide. A small pile of "nonaligned" sad lying on the floor.

A moment later, I take the whole pile and I put it on the bottom of the closet. OK! Everything is back in place. I close the door! Something a bit stalled, but I got used to it. Application of force, all very Push in and slam the door quickly.

You know, it is still in my closet creative mess.

As well as the soul.
"


Comparison of her inner self with mess in closet. Also there is old stuff in closet which she wont threw away. So, like in her soul, no changes, no actions to solve inner issues.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2013, 12:56:56 PM »
"Friday, April 27, 2007
paradox
Why we all aspire light, sun, happiness, height, breadth, flight, mountains, sunflower, birdies, sea, sailing, wind and clouds?

I read and watch.

Why? When are the warmest, most moving, most glorious stories written by pen of grief from the bottom of the darkness, in solitude and, looking ahead. They were written by souls who do not read and do not watch anymore."


What is life ? No more joy in light, sun and so on... glorious things are in our self, pain, grief, darkness, solitude... Writers which already wrote that, and they are dead. At least something they left to us, make mark after death.

She questioning life, mortality, no more happiness in her life, only grief and incoming death...
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 12:58:02 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2013, 02:08:35 PM »
"Sunday, May 27, 2007
Male - female friendship
    So many times I've rambled on this issue with many people. It seems that everyone is really very interesting.

    I have my girlfriends and each is in a period of shes life was a problem. People get a little time away, and again find themselves. Some of the things you tell them and sharing with them, and some keep to themselves. Why? I do not know, sometimes I talk about something difficult, something bothers me sometimes, but I know the solution, so I do not need nobody. Anyway they consider as girlfriends. There are periods when a particular, I call every day, and then pass a few months that we do not hear. Sometimes it just gets on my nerves, and I like her anyway. With some people I have not talked in some periods, so we continued friendship. With some of them I just was just a good girlfriend, and I'm not.

    I do not go to find someone smart to tell me that it is not my good girlfriend. Nobody has the right to give them away this title and belittles their position. For me it is holy "function" and to keep friendship more than anything. Even those that we are no longer friends, I would help in any trouble. Not our fault that we live as the wind carries the fallen leaves in autumn.

    So that is about girlfriends.

But the same goes for friends with one add on.
Man I can be a friends, even if I have some sexual attraction towards him.
Man I can be a friends, even if he have some sexual attraction towards me.
Man I can be a friends, even if both sides have a mutual sexual attraction.
The question is realization.
Maybe it never happens.
Maybe it happens, and stop to happening.
Maybe it happens, and continue to happen ...
And what does this have to do with what my friend ? Because a friend is the one to who you listen to, who he listen to me, who loves you in spite of what you are, who is there when you need him, who can go to another galaxy, and still will be in my thoughts constantly ...

    My best friend is my husband, so it does not matter if we have sex... I'm not with him all these years because it works well and has "laaarge" (she implying big, you know what)  ... account at the bank, but because with him after all these years, we have a lot in common to talk about, because it is with me and I know that it is eternal and holy "function." And a friend of mine because I just said that that he will pay my blog quitting, and he did not take the laptop and smashed it against the wall. :))))"


Yea, I am the one. Her best friend and husband. Eternal one...

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2013, 02:32:03 PM »
"Friday, June 1, 2007
Time travelers ...
I write this as a dash for thought.

Have you ever entertained and kill the time (while drizzling rain outside just enough to prevent you from riding a bike), thinking it would still be that at some point you have decided differently??? For example, I like to go back in time, which is one of the great crossroads of my life - going to college. I lived in XXXX, and in spite of all the members of my family, I  decided to study in YYYY, and not in ZZZZ.

I decided otherwise I now lived in this his small stone alley that sometimes we can be so inspiring, and sometimes terribly exhausting. I'd met a man with whom I spend the last 20 years. My daughter would not be so capricious as it is, a son talker on the days it is impossible to silence. I would not do the job which I do, because I took the time in who knows what direction.

And at that crossroads I carefully balancing everything I wanted to be, everything in my life important and what I want to achieve. And none of these did not turn out that way. Probably if I went the other way, the same way things would turn out like that.

Maybe I live in the continent, and yet my heart cried out to seacoast.
Maybe my husband was the owner of a large corporation and so dedicated that had not arrived at the children's birthdays, so my heart burgeoned for by walking with him in hand.
Maybe my children were successful and hardworking schoolchildren, playing piano, engaged in sports, going to the theater, but I could possibly heart burgeoned for rampant smiles in the evening, just when they have to sleep.
Maybe I would have finished college and teach high school students, but my heart burgeoned for some kind of creative work.
Maybe I was socially engaged in a variety of organizations and contributed to socially useful work, but would you maybe cried for this blog. (Yea, right !)

Maybe ...

But now I live and how I live, and my heart does not even crying for sea, either for money or for ambition, or for a career, even for a high position in society. And yet I feel so happy, loved, successful and recognized in their own little world.

Am I kidding my self, maybe ???
Or I'm really happy, maybe ??
And small thing for my heart still cries is important, maybe ??"


She questioning crossroads in her life. What will be if she study in different city. How will then look her life ? Maybe she will have different, better life and she will do not have what I bring to her, LOVE; LOVE; LOVE... I am damn  romantic ! So this is so devastating for me. I put whole my life energy in my family ! An unfortunately I get this, my whole life can be smashed to the ground...
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 02:34:31 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2013, 12:04:59 AM »
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Divided people
- Where are You in these days ?
- Come on, do not upset me. You are the guilty one.
- Why?
- You do not leave me any time for me.
- I'm doing just what I have to. You fight for Your own.
- It is easy to say, but I'm already a long time ago last in place, and you're constantly spend all reserves.
- This times are rough, I have to working, earning, ..
- That's right. But what is the meaning of that when You leave me no spaces. In these days, I did not live at all.
- But I am.
- It is on your and mine expense.
- You are right, but I do not have any from your philosophizing. Do you have a solution?
- I might come up with something that you at least make some pause for a moment and let me I do mine "work".
- Yeah, you started to "work off" things to ?
- Indeed. Go figure !
- Think!
- I do not really understand. Like we playing for different teams, we should share the day !
- What can we do when the day is not enough only for my part. When? How?
- In fact, I do not know. But I told you so you need to recharge my batteries, and to relax, recharge life satisfaction ...
- Yes, I do not know why we now wasting time for this discussion ?
- And that's my job. I'm trying to explain that you can not just work and sleep.
- ... and discuss.
- You become wicked. Yeah right someone will erected a monument for You because you work to much ?
- I'm not stupid.
- It seems to me that you are.
- Logic and facts are on my side.
- Logic - I doubt it. Each machine has a lifetime. You'll spend your in a much shorter time than should be. Let me do my stuff. We'll live together.
- OK. Why don't you write something ? That will be great.
- It would be, when would you leave me a alone.
- What should I do??? I'm used to do some action.
- Wait a minute, take a deep breath and leave me in peace.
- You should make a dinner.
- Come on, Get away from me!
- Oh You are so nervous.
- ...
- Write, nobody stop You.
- ...
- I am waiiiting.
- ...
- Well, after you will say that I do not give You a peace, I will not bother You anymore.
- ...
- ...

So I (inside it) sitting, watching, talking to itself (the outside) and I have no idea what to do. A day was ...


What to say ? Contradiction between ego and persona. To much accommodation between ego and persona. Denial of problems. Rejection & refusal.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2013, 05:23:21 AM »
"25.6.2007
dandelion
In front of the school there was an indescribable noise, like every spring morning. It was already hot, and although only the beginning of April (the year 1983  ::) ), felt that all perked up and the school near the end. Their thoughts were far away from the school bench. A big pause between classes was always a time when You seek your crush and use any excuse for a meaningful or less meaningful question.

he was lost somewhere and did not help that he was the highest in the class, and quite possibly in the whole school. There was a good and a wide field of view, but in vain scanned the area. He simply disappeared somewhere.

Bell has ripped through the air, aroused the crowd sighs and triggered an avalanche of pupils up the stairs. All roads lead to classrooms. Next in line was a biology teacher and was always first in the class. He shuffled to the bench, sat down and took the book in hand to take a look. Anyway he wont study at home anyway, he did not feel like that. Yellow dandelion on the bench distract his reading. He looked up, saw her, and she told him:

"Happy Birthday!"

***

And who would not be quoted by the famous sentence that ends the movie "Casablanca": - "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!" Dandelion is still yellow. Sometimes, occasionally, rarely, but happy and warm. She today writes own blog, which he regularly reads. He was angry because nothing about him on this blog... So it is here now !"


A lot nostalgic articles from her childhood appear on her blog. About ordinary things, about grendma, friends, parents, neighbors from childhood. I use this one because MLC-ers always going to remember and think about old flames. He was her first boyfriend and they was together 3-4 years.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2013, 05:25:02 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2013, 06:04:20 AM »
"Friday, July 27, 2007
Reading, stealing other people's thoughts and thinking ...
I found something interesting on someone blog:

"I admire people who know what they want and go right to it. I know what I wont and imagining that it is quite good for someone like me."

Never in my life I'm not clear at all times know what I want. Just so beautiful and interesting spots you should examine and try before deciding. Life is precious to think I once weighed and only one lived.

I'm always in my life know clearly what I wont. What I have tested and tried, and of which I am not feeling well.

Whenever travel, I am enjoy traveling and when crossing the finish line is not the fulfillment and happiness, but the completion of travel, and the endings I don't like if was nice traveling to them.

And maybe someone think that I am ball in a pinball machine, chaotic, restless and lost, to go where the situation pushed me, reject, spin, shoved ... It just seems that I do not know where I was going and that my path does not lead anywhere.

But I can not going to a goal. I travel and I enjoy. Explore, wander, through rainy, but the sun and warmth. Sometimes on my way to the night and fog, sometimes rain and storms, sometimes calm, quiet, stuffy, noisy, sad. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I run, sometimes I sit on a rock to rest. Lose it, and again I find. Because I do not want to reach the goal. I want to travel.

And sometimes I stop and look at those runners that go straight. I take a plastic cup and add water to them. :) They will need them. This is a tedious way. There will be those where they are going. Come they will safely and quickly. So who is to blame them. Their problem."


She does not know who she is and what she want from life, except happiness. Everybody wanna be happy. But if someone does not know what will make him happy, how other people then know how to make them happy ? Obviously she never had well defined identity.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2013, 04:15:41 AM »
"Monday, November 19, 2007
The hothouse effect
You polluted my mind, fellow bloggers. I do not think too literally, especially not derogatory, but somehow I can not meet with itself. Constantly on the head toss and turn other people's dilemmas, problems, unpleasant events, failed love, problems at work ...

I wonder what I'll be when it comes menopause and knocks on the door ?  I wonder who will be my next boss-type manipulator. I wonder who's going to knock on my doors of the house if I paint it in pink ? I wonder how to control dopamine and testosterone ? I wonder how I threw out all my love when I was left ?

Swirling my image of mountain, the pigs in position 69, various acts, lighted candles for victims which died in war.

And it all seems to have something clever to add, if I could change something, do it better ... somehow ... Yea, right ! ... Leave comments ...

And when stuck and when to reset the brain and restart the entire system spinning in the minds of some stupid words hellllllo, kisssssss...

Uffff!

start

Shut Down

What do you want the computer to do?


Die!"


I have nothing to comment on this, right ?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2013, 01:06:46 AM »
"Wednesday, September 26, 2007
sadness

How many times You pretend to be a happy and smiling, even You a haven't a valid reason?

How many times when someone ask question from you, respond with a smile and insincere just to avoid further questions?

How many times have you said "I feel great !" and lie ?


And how many times have you said, "I'm sad" and lie ?

The latter most likely never lied because sadness is kind of feeling that you can not and do not want to act. The feeling that you only have when grief simply grabs You. When you are sad, you are sincerely and as whole being just sad.

I love my sorrow.

So I sing to my sorrow:

"Good morning, sorrow!
Where are you until now ?
I have not seen you for a long time beside me.
To remind me to who you dream of
so that it breaks me apart because of of jealousy. ""


Late night before her birthday. She felt depressed every her birthday. Mortality. Questioning past life. Pay attention on bold text. Pretending happiness ? Denial. Rejection. Refusal. Also she become quite optimistic at Christmas, but depressed at Yew Year.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2013, 01:10:05 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #16 on: June 19, 2013, 10:26:50 AM »
CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR WISHES

Sunday, December 23, 2007
I wish you ...
... Wisdom enough that you can always things to look for at least two sides. Wisdom enough to realize that you are not center of the universe. Wisdom enough to love unconditionally.
Comments:
26.12.2007. 10:59:55 My wife
All people I really love. When I love, I love forever. I can get away and retreat, and they can hurt me and I don't fight back, but I still love anyway. In myself, quiet and peaceful, but forever.
24.12.2007. 13:11:21 My wife
I love unconditionally.


Interesting indeed ! She loves unconditionally. Now is not, how can be that ? Only because of MLC.

I wish you ...
... that you leave all the fears, anxieties of those small to large and terrible blocking. From those of the ordinary small mouse jumping on a chair screaming, to those hidden and complicated for you might not know it, you do not understand, but they are there. Cowards die a hundred times, the brave only once.

I wish you ...
... to sleep the sleep of innocence. When you lie down in a warm bed that you come to think only happy thoughts, just nice people and happy events. Some concerns go sleep somewhere else and leave you to your dreams run dewy meadows, fly open, thaw in kisses. And the one next to you who sometimes stay awake to watch you while you sleep, and let them enjoy the serene face and smile.

I wish you ...
... to give you a future rain wash all the bitterness, moodiness, anger, nervousness, the accumulated years of the soul. And to give you a future storm blew sarcasm, irony, jealousy from the heart. So that free and easy feel the beauty of life.


Very indicative ! That is in her.

I wish you ...
... that at least at times, remember how to be a child.
Run barefoot on the sandy beach.
Roll the lawn, even if you all cloth become green of grass,
Collect dry leaves, shells, pretty stones, sticks of ice cream, banana stickers and similar important stuff.
Lie on a bench in the park and count stars.
Cry for dead cat which you see on the road.
Cut the newspaper each picture which you like.
Eat a ton of chocolate instead of lunch.
Drink water after the soup.
And be sure to kiss your teddy bear at bedtime.


This are small things from her childhood which made her happy. Nostalgic.

I wish you ...
... to whom you sing:

          "It is wonderful to be something to someone.
             It is wonderful to be all to you ! "

But do not forget - love is what you give. Only then heats, burns, and sometimes pains.

I wish you ...
... you always have someone close to you for a warm hug. When times are hard for You, and after all go down, when you want to disappear, to escape. That You have someone to hug. And his dear voice calm You down and his familiar smell give you the strength to go on.


It is from her perspective in that time me.

Offline Rebel Yell

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #17 on: June 19, 2013, 04:32:19 PM »
Hey buddy, here is a post from my wife's blog over 3 years ago.

So many thoughts and ideas swirl around in my head that its hard to even know what to write. I find myself feeling so restrained, as if everything I say and do must be guarded. I long to break free and just be myself and not be concerned with what someone else might think or how I might be judged because of what I think, what I say or how I feel. Who am I really? What do I want out of life? Where am I going? So strange to feel so lost at times. I must admit I often wonder if I'm just losing my mind. Where is that powerful charismatic person that use to look back at me from the mirror? What happened to her? Why is it now that I feel like I've lost control of everything?
HE>i

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2013, 03:04:10 AM »
Hey buddy, here is a post from my wife's blog over 3 years ago.

So many thoughts and ideas swirl around in my head that its hard to even know what to write. I find myself feeling so restrained, as if everything I say and do must be guarded. I long to break free and just be myself and not be concerned with what someone else might think or how I might be judged because of what I think, what I say or how I feel. Who am I really? What do I want out of life? Where am I going? So strange to feel so lost at times. I must admit I often wonder if I'm just losing my mind. Where is that powerful charismatic person that use to look back at me from the mirror? What happened to her? Why is it now that I feel like I've lost control of everything?

Thank You fro Your respond bro. It is quite similar writing what my wife done.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2013, 03:20:36 AM »
"Friday, February 8, 2008
I choose to be happy
It is much easier to be a failure, but be successful. Simply don't do anything.
It is much easier to be rude, but be polite. Simply do not work on self.
It is much easier to be sloppy, but be neat. Simply be a pig.
It is much easier to be stupid, but be smart. Simply do not engage the brain.

...

It is much easier to be unhappy than to be happy. Simply not trying.

So I think that there are people who choose to be unhappy, no matter what others THINK about it. Because it's unfortunate the same as being lazy for themselves, for others lazy, lazy to take the trouble, lazy that you change something. Because, when you kind of thinking leads to the situation that you are unhappy, then you this same way of thinking can not be plucked up out of that state. They should, therefore, change attitudes.

But it is much easier convince your self that you're marked and ill-starred born, because what it does and then try anyway when all leads to destruction. I'll just sit back in bed and drink - posters - smoke - lap - taking drugs - to fall into depression - taking those pills - cry - Despair (choose something for themselves) and so look for the rest of your life, which anyway does not lead anywhere. Buaaaa! Tears running down her face.

There's is no lucky stars. There is only uncertainty, fear, disbelief, low self-esteem and SELF-RESPECT. There is no love for himself, nor for anyone around him.

It is much easier to be unsuccessful, be sloppy, stupid and miserable.


WOHOOOOOO ! I can't believe that she wrote this. xD Now she is total mess."
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 03:26:48 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2013, 03:36:07 AM »
"Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Anniversary
I come today to bakery store.

- "Is' birthday?"
- "No. Anniversary my marriage!"
- "Aaa, nice !"

I watch those pictures, browse the full catalog, of course Sacher cake. I knew that before I came.

- "And can you write me something on the cake?"
- "Can. Course, only a minute to get a pen .... What to write?"
- "We only had 20!"
- "20 years of marriage?!?!?!?!"
- "Aha!"
- "Well, I can't believe that you have 20 years of marriage!"
- "Ma!'s What I am ordering my parents."
- "Aaa (relieved to be women). A. It can be."
- "Oh, no can not. How can? (I wonder how she byte that), I have 20-year anniversary. Me, Me!"

And what do you say more. Congratulated to my husband how he endured me all these years."


Yeah, I endure her all those years.... She looks to Young for her age.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 03:37:18 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2013, 10:33:49 AM »
"Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Emotional Intelligence
I read about emotional intelligence what ever I find about it. If you think that I will now write something smart, obviously, You don't know me :)

Me as arrogant and self-confident, I always thought I was very emotionally sensitive and completely mediocre in attitude and behavior, just as with everyone around me is not exactly all in place. I am tolerant and all the principle: "Don't do others what you don't want they do to You," the people I gently held at a distance, even though I have lots of acquaintances, the tone of society, always with good mood and happy people, sociable ... Miracle women.

And I feel somehow lonely.

I do test, so it said that I'm asocial. Beg pardon?!?

*******

Stop and think about it .....

*******

Extinguished, drag and think ...

*******

Pull it again, sets in and think .....

********

And, of course, you guessed it, shook my hand and I say to myself: "They have no clue !"


But worm doubt lies somewhere cringing, and with every new word, each new, no matter how small the conflict, reprehensible and criticism addressed to some other people out of my mind ... I realized. Yeah, I'm asocial.

I stop, turn off, pull up, sets in - not looking for anyone, I do not need anybody, do not scream and call for help. I do each trouble all by myself standing up for everything to going on my back. And emotions are captured and chained, jealously keep them for myself.

*********

And today colleague told me today: "You looking sad."
"No, I'm just angry !"

It's easier to be angry than sad."


Introvert with emotions, for outside you can't spot her emotions. But she is charming, cheerful, always smile.
Does she shooting down her sensors because of MLC ?

« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 10:43:07 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2013, 11:01:23 AM »
"Sunday, August 24, 2008
My valve is stuck
There are days, and he knows it take, when my soul stuck valve, so that in me just deposited some faceless sludge somehow ambivalent emotions that their coating overshadow the happy moments. No they for some reason, but then again, there are a million reasons. And so I stand and I think the way out of me everything before I choked. And before become difficult to breathe. And before I sink.

But I see no way out and do not know where to start.

I will like to turn everything upside down in one stroke, sort of a roll table full of messy clutter, wet after last night's revelry and places burned with half smoked cigarettes. I like to turn everything up side down and go the other way. I like to change apartment and the city and business.

But I stand. I let the mud deposited.

And this my valve does not working ..."

She wont change self and on that way better cope with reality. And she gradually being swallowed and lost control of self, losing identity, being passive and just react. Shadow refuse to suppress anymore.  Resentment ?
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 11:20:52 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2013, 05:03:50 AM »
"Sunday, September 28, 2008
... still clogged
    Too bad I can not write haiku, because as much as I have just said to fit into such a form. Thus we remain to word a few empty sentences, after which you will understand that and still have nothing to say. And to my philosophy of life: "when you're in a bad mood, stay away from people," reads this blog and languishing waiting."

It is day after her birthday. Every birthday she have depression.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2013, 09:05:17 AM »
"Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I can't have it...
... Past every days on the radio hit me into the soul one great song:

Once I pass along you as light
I only blink and then lost my self
You will walk up wind of each side
To find your shining star
And I'll spill my soul over the sea
when see overflow over cold rocks
there where sink all my desire
When you aren't here for me...

to be my whole world I can't stand it
and when I be hurt I will hold tight my teeth and will not let scream like bird
when all what I like and what I dream I can't have it
I can't have it. I can't have it.

Recently someone on TV said that a man can do everything, end up being respected and successful man, but if his children did not do anything, all he has labored. Honestly, it is heartless, but I have to say that the I currently does not experience that. Maybe because I feel that I am in my life has made everything I did, despite my parents, because I certainly did not ended the way they wanted. More and I'm not trying to prove that I was just important that I am happy with the outcome of these, and they let think.

Also watch their children squirm and despite me going to some of his chosen path. Neither I probably will not be happy with their choices, but let them be. I only hope that it leads the way to their happiness.

And what does that have to do with the song???

To be my whole world I can't stand it...

He not cry because his children aren't engineers, doctors, architects. He don't cry because he nor his children have villas on plots and expensive yachts moored in a marina. Crying because he aren't with his love.

Because I'd at least spill my soul over cold rocks if You aren't here for me.

And the rest of you, what ever you want. :)

(Hello my husband !)"


There is one great but very sad song about man who sing about his sorrow because he lost love of life.
She made point about every parent doubt and  conclude that her life without me is worthless... And now this MLC crap ! Go figure !
« Last Edit: June 27, 2013, 09:10:44 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #25 on: June 28, 2013, 11:13:31 AM »
"Wednesday, January 7, 2009
compromise residual
Well, I have already several times made link on the my friend blog (btw, I've never told her that she ahve a real inspiration for blog name), and the reason is that she have somehow different view of the world, and her writings makes me think. I guess the reason is that we are almost same generation, so we think about similar stuff.

Well, I was thinking after reading to present myself to strangers around me. I did not like it because of what I listed would be just a series of compromises that I did not making a lot of what I wanted. Compromise with money, a compromise with the working hours, fatigue and weather reports. Compromises with family, neighbors and friends.

And the greater the rate what I did not done than what I done, and all that could be packed together better.

And my husband will ask me, what is it that I missed? Only what I remember now is that I never, absolutely never walked through the meadow by storm and rain which wet my cloth to the skin. "Because it's not time for a walk."

I never went alone to swim, because "it sucks left all family at home."

I never took a day off just to walking trough city alone.

Happily married, I would say, a mother of two semi wild children decently busy, with lots of friends, with excellent colleagues. I even have a dog. And eyes fixed somewhere in the wilderness ..."


She questioning again her life. And even she in that time does not find something big which she wanna to do. Anyway she mention before list, done and what is not done, but later whole list was in several lines. She obviously chose to have decent life full of love for own family, and she wondering what will be in case that she come after "bigger" goals... Maybe she chose bad. Superego - ego -id... Identity ?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #26 on: June 29, 2013, 10:38:08 AM »
"Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sheep
Favorite show on TV - fruits of the earth. Almost.

Increasingly catch in my mind that I live in a remote area, in a small village, and yet not in it, but on the edge of it. In a small house in flowers is a private business. Just like a true entrepreneur.

Flock of some 30 sheep's and I do not care for the profitability, viability, profitability and graphs of growth and development. I do not care for the placement on the market and quality of products. I do not care.

In the morning I go into a pasture with sheep, and this I hear them bleating. Bleee, bleee, bleee...

I think that the social level of the society would not have lost anything. Anyway around me almost all in the same tone - beeeeeee ......"


Nothing special she post in year 2009. But her birthday is like always inner rethinking, covert depression. At end of year 2009 no any posts like before before Christmas and New Year eve.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2013, 10:56:23 AM »
"Thursday, June 10, 2010
Einstein among pigs
Headline: Animal Farm

I imagine it would be like on the farm (and any resemblance to actual TV creation is completely associative, exclusively) put 17 pigs and Einstein.

From the perspective of Einstein would have been quite clear that he got in $hit.

From the perspective of pigs, he would be a being obviously different from them, but not significantly different. Look at the fool how look like his haircut. But he is stupid, he do not know how snout in the mud. He do not know anything of what we know and he blabbering some nonsense.

From the perspective of the people who would eventually watched from his chair, thinking to oscillated proportionally intelligence. They which intelligence is closer to pigs the opinion would have been a close perspective pigs. Those who have intelligence was closer to Einstein, they would not even watch. Ha!
 
And I've written the title, to this line, changed the course of thought and said what in the beginning I did not mean to. I was going to just draw a parallel with my status in my former firm. But as my confidence quite shaken, I have to go to hedge before a final conclusion. So, I'm not even close to Einstein, nor are they there were pigs. I'm a little all stretched to get a contrast that all easy to spot. But I've certainly been thinking and acting at least three steps ahead of them, but I could not understand. And no matter how I simplified everything, no matter how I tried, no matter how they adapted, for them, I was just - a little different, but not essential.

Now the bureau with them more than 300 000 And one of my pig rubbing their hands: - whatever good we are and resolve. Anyway, was not for our collective.

Oh, thank God I did not!"


She get fired from her first job. She left next company by self and take job elsewhere. There she works only 2 months and find another job. This post is from company where she fired. Anyway there You can see how she can't blend with society well. She have to show that she is different and on that way bring negative attention from others... Nevertheless, she is not adaptive. She was without job until end of year 2010. Only two posts in year 2010. This year no post even on her birthday ! No posts before Christmas & New Year.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 10:58:04 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #28 on: June 29, 2013, 11:17:01 AM »
"Tuesday, April 12, 2011
When I will be retired ...
... I'll have a little house with a huge garden and a bunch of flowers.

And I had a bunch of flowers, I planted it in the garden.

And that I'd planted in the garden, I have the garden around the home to arrange.

And to arranged it, you first have to build a house.

And that I had built, I have to win the lottery.

Because, although I will tomorrow get up and go (ma with gusto, though) to work, I will never afford that house with garden with my salary anyway."


She can't stand it anymore, work, family, friends, neighbors. She thinks if she move in village, it will solve all her problems, what is wrong of course.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #29 on: June 29, 2013, 11:28:01 AM »
"Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Mountaineering
On the occasion of my birthday yesterday. :)

Rounded by the whole 45, and since I do not live more than 90 (studying people in these later years), I passed a half.

And as I like to think I climbed to the top of the mountain. Difficult, steep, turbulent, hard, but now I'm on top and somehow we seem to have a crystalline look at everything around you. And that lasted a little longer, I collapsed because I no longer have the strength of will as in the past. And it's nice up, this is worth climbing.

But as I climbed I imagined the other side just as steep as this, which I climbed. Now I see that it is not so and I'll be able to easily and quietly descend back to the sea. At least what I can see, is a mild slope. Maybe I will meet some obstacles, but I did not care too much.

Let's move on."


Again post at her birthday. Seems all well, but was NOT ! She was actually start to detach emotionally between her birthday and New Year. I did ask her where and with who we will celebrate New Year, but she was not interested at all. At last two of us watch TV alone and she start to cry after we hit midnight. I did ask her why she crying ? She refuse talking about..." I consider that as bomb drop, despite she haven't any affair.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #30 on: June 29, 2013, 11:51:11 AM »
"Saturday, January 14, 2012
Facebook

... and as I said, "never say never" - I've opened profile.

Why?

Well do not really know yet. Maybe I do not feel like a granny when they ask me why I'm not on Facebook. They are all there. But I do not really find them. Not that they were gone, but I can't found none. All that is was somehow with "little soul".

I like this blog, only my piece of the universe.


So, that I will be positive, I'll let to "Face" chance to seduce me. :)"


She mention before on blog that she probably never open FaceBook account, but desperate times ask for desperate measures... So it's begin !

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #31 on: June 30, 2013, 02:37:37 AM »
"Tuesday, January 31, 2012
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after the checkmate"
 

This is what I just read it on Facebook wall of my niece.

I admit - for me chess is a very boring game. It is extremely complex, fascinating combinations, but I expect the games cheerful company, passion, laughter, fun and very limited use of the brain.

Life never compared with chess, but it could.

So far I have not been matted and I hope that I did not do that to anyone else.

My party is outside the rules. For me, the pawn can move backwards and three fields, the queen can stand with the horse in the same field, the rook moves diagonally, figures that are out of the game suddenly appear in the middle panel. And sometimes the king is checkmated, but I do note a few moves later and ignore.

To take care of the strategy, maybe I knew the moment which figure sacrifice to win. Perhaps thinking several steps ahead. Covers every figure and played a team. Studied the moves of a life, "Kasparov" 1987 years the tournament was held in Leningrad. Writing down moves ... Bishop G7-H6.

You understand that I blabbering.

             Is it so ? Or is not ?

But this raises a number of questions ...

What do I get if I win?

Am I playing with the white pieces?

Am I play against a single opponent and who is he ?

Are we playing by the clock ?

Where is that clock I need to press when I pull a move?

When will the flag go down ?

Is the bishop worth more then pawn ?

Am I on the board, or I just randomly running around with the figures which are already eaten?

Am I already matted ?

 

Am I the queen at all ?

  ...

  Maybe I'm the hat from Monopoly game and chess is not my game at all ?

  (If you still think that I am blabbering, you do not know me well enough)"


This post confirm escape and avoid ! She start to run from own daemons. She is in total mess.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 02:40:06 AM by Albatross »

Offline Rebel Yell

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #32 on: June 30, 2013, 05:48:14 AM »
I agree, she is a mess.
I know this is troubling for you, you probably feel helpless.
Fight the good fight.
HE>i

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #33 on: June 30, 2013, 09:04:34 AM »
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Inspired...
sometimes something break calm of life and stirs its polished surface. the bottom is then turbulent and raced to the surface feelings long forgotten. felt they feel something familiar and flat devour the last traces of an ancient pleasure gatherings. do not look for looking into the fog, but the left and rear of the characters smoke, voice, that something.
tonight I'm drunk ...
And can you forget the feelings?


It can't because the feelings are in my heart, and the heart does not forget. The heart grows as it becomes full, and keeps to himself what it was worth, and keeping us alive at a given time. The heart has no capacity, the number of vacancies, a certain weight requirements ... It is a tolerant, extensible, open, and yet so closed. I kept my little secrets loooong....

And some move in it without passport. :)

Some are even quite comfortably settled, leaned back in a comfortable chair, spread out and enjoy as if they were at home.

Some sat in silence, squatting, resting and waiting for their moment to stir calm sea of life.

It is important then that you stir, widened smile on his face - because it is a sign that they have made all that is best needed.

It is important then that you stir, soak your eyes with tears - because it is a sign that they meant something special.

It is important then that you stir, do not sleep ever.


Shadow over helm her as You can read her bold text which was bold in her post. Sentences are written without capital letter at beginning, that is very unusual for her. Regression ? Her writing style is totally different. Pure emotions. She talking about our great friend and double godfather which live in her hometown, she visit them. Searching for past times. On her FB there are a lot pictures of her friends from youth... Definitely regression and replay ?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #34 on: June 30, 2013, 12:20:26 PM »
"Sunday, October 28, 2012
To imaginary friend ?

And who are we to each other?

Friends? Just as a normal people is seen - we aren't. Maybe more like an imaginary friend that a child creates itself just by its own and as you envision the ideal companion in an imaginative world that would want to live. At least occasionally. (Besides, it's my imaginary friend could write letters.)

 

Are we soul-mates ? How did I know. Oh I do not know anything about You, and what I know it is too much for me. I do not care what you like, what you enjoy, nothing real I do not care. I know just how you smell and how you sound and how I fill out lung fluid at the thought of your name. I know how good I feel when thinking about you.

 

Are we anything at all ? Maybe you're just a reflection of particles from me, restless surface of the lake, with reduced visibility and bad weather conditions. Rain, wind, snow and low overcast.

 

And from where these words are now coming out of me at once. When I am one who stands firm feet on the ground and works perfectly in the material world. She's just that when night falls and all go to sleep, dream awake ... rarely ... sometimes ... never about you ... But only then feel free.

 

And it seems to me that you taught me to daydream, because otherwise you would not reach me. Says very well this song:

 

"... But again, it 'would have
You were mine
if I'm a soldier in the army of the people ... "

 

But I wonder whether you are built up my fantasy world to got me like a crazy bee lure sweet nectar or you've tangled with him floating in a turbulent wind? Who first opened the door and go inside? And why is there still, after years and years and years ... OK?

 

I wanted to sleep my little piece of the universe, such as it was left. Because when I look at some good old film, it disappoint me. But devil did not give to me peace. I typed your name and found it, thank God :), very much. Because your name is not special, in the real world, it does not leave any impression. I'm spinning images, and do not know ... I really do not know what you look like ... And I chose by a smile and said - That must be him ! Pure intuition.

 

You smile - and have to. Because who would believe this ?

Hm?

.....

Hm!

 

Yeah! Bingo ! :)

 

And all normal people will saying: you're not normal!

I'm not because I'm trying something that is not from this world, to describe in words. Words to describe this does not exist.

But my imaginary friend once wrote: Who will understand, he will get it !

...

You know where I am. When you close your eyes ... blah, blah ... And this will not change anything. And further  will be all blue and hazy. And warm. Ours.

 

Or just mine."


She dig up some guy on FaceBook which she met him long, long time a go, when she was sixteen and him twenty two. They never be a couple. When he was in the army, he wrote to her letters, there was noting special in them, only thoughts of lonely soldier. OFC he is married now. In that time my wife tell me that I should change if I wanna to save our marriage. LOL WTF ?  I did not ask her how I should change, because she actually blabber. Yes, she had emotional affair... Replay in full power...

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #35 on: June 30, 2013, 01:31:09 PM »
"Tuesday, November 6, 2012
chocolate

Each piece is as good as it slowly melt in your mouth. And the first one .... and one tenth .... and the innumerable. And each piece can drop the soft sigh of satisfaction ... mmmmm ..... I lick my lips after each and want it more and more and more .... Ever since I can remember, onwards .... Forever.

Can you still enjoy something so as in chocolate?"


She obviously allude on sex. She is infatuated deeply. On her FB there is fireworks of posts, colors and so on... She hit sky high. In that time I try to hug her once. She refuse hug and said to me that I can't force someone to love...

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #36 on: June 30, 2013, 02:02:58 PM »
Friday, November 9, 2012
Falling shooting stars

SONG FALLOW
"Moon is young, and the night is hot.
Falling shooting star.
And I'm dripping sweat from my forehead.
It's dark and I can not see your face.
Down below us can hear the noise of the wheels of night chauffeur.
And I love you in the pitch dark, on the top floor of skyscraper.
Kiss me, touch me with your lips.
With lips like crushed cherries.
Moon is young and night is hot.
Stars swarm overhead.
Night smells on the late summer,
and you're on the rare grass field.
Sometimes when light shine, large neon signs,
I see your your cat eyes how to caress me out of the darkness.
Kiss me, touch me with Your lips.
With lips like crushed cherries."

"Am I near to my end ?

Because for some crazy reason, I smell some long-forgotten years and pasture me some old verses. And again I imagine in a high position overlooking the lights of the city, tucked up warm and happy. ... As after the chocolate from the previous post. ;)

I do not feel myself today. I do not smell this storm that hit me when I get out the door. Nothing real touches me anymore. I am at middle of my life, ignoring the other part, and again I am a child. I'm dreaming again and I wanna impossible. Again, I hope that there is the time that all of it become real. But wont ?

And the moon is young.
And the night was hot.
And the stars are swarming overhead.

And the kid in me is happy. And wistful. Although he knows ..."


If this not a proof that she is in middle age crisis, I do not know what really is. She ask self in posts before this same question: "Am I near to my end ?"
« Last Edit: June 30, 2013, 02:23:42 PM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #37 on: July 01, 2013, 10:02:28 AM »
"Saturday, December 29, 2012
To imaginary


My friend, there the stage for ... farewell from you ...


You were my wonderful companion all these years, but it's time to stop hiding behind you. You've been here all this time to hold my battles on your shoulders, when I most needed. And when I could not hear, and you find a way to guard and say it out loud .. You were my shield and my armor, fought against the world with Don quixotic persistence and stupidity ... or cleverness ... does not matter anymore. Because no matter how you smart was, it turns out that all this was stupid.


It's my fault, I know, because you just wanted to protect me, and I can not lead by ratio. To do this, I've had you. My world has always been perfectly idealistic, and through this I have experienced so far, it's just not ...
You and only you know what all of this now, and you know it's not good ... they will crush to me ...


But this is a pure natural law of conservation - only the strongest survive. How strong I am without you, remains to be seen ... But is not a life when I sit and look through a small window of what is going on out there ... And you, you've lived through all of this mine, without question, and now you does not even exist. I wiped out you mercilessly and took you right to keep up, and kill you for all people around. Will they understand? They will not. I know that.


Now I know what I should have to do from the beginning ... but I don't like confrontations, discussions, sorrow, don't like to hurt people, to kill their dreams (rather I kill mine) ... I don't like compromises - every such strengthen you and hide me more ...

(It is no coincidence that I just listen ....
I'm an alien I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York ...)

Long time ago I don't even take look through that window. I let you live my life on any way you want ... I'm closing it very often because I did not like what I hear ... and quickly lost any sense about everyone... and they did not deserve it. I'm guilty! I admit. I am guilty since beginning I running away and hide behind you ...


And all I give is only the shell - just the way they like to ... Stupid to the pain! Idiotic, moronic ... I even call that love... I don't like to hurt my beloved, I've just pull them into my stupid game and pretend with illusion of life. Because I was not strong enough to fight for me, and they did not even see me (!) ... And I could have found in them a million mistakes, but still does not justify my own.


And why now? Suddenly? They will ask ...


Because I'm almost dying here in itself ... I will die, and no one will find me ever. And I can not let ... I have to go out and see what would be if I did what I have to do. I'll see can I live without You. Or maybe there is someone so similar to me who will love me like I wanna to be loved.


Thank you"


She killed her persona. Separation ego & persona is complete. so far I know she enter in liminality. What do You think ?

Offline justasking

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #38 on: July 01, 2013, 10:51:46 AM »
IMO

Still in replay and still looking for happiness out there. The path trodden so far hasn't taken her to paradise so she will look harder and play harder to find that person who makes her happy.

Others may disagree  :)
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.
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Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #39 on: July 01, 2013, 11:32:53 AM »
Thank You for Your opinion justasking. :) Anyway that post was as usual before New Year when she dive in depression.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #40 on: July 01, 2013, 11:37:27 AM »
"Monday, January 28, 2013
Untitled
... the other day some well-known blogger on television, and my husband asks:

- Are You still writing on your blog ?

- No, honey, I do not write!"


She did not mention at all that she actually write something but she made this post. :D LOL She is upset why I am not interested in her blog after all... She ban me in bed in this year. And she have somatic symptoms of deep depression. She cough whole January, and half of February until I finally ask her what happening, imagine how passive she is ?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #41 on: July 01, 2013, 01:03:48 PM »
"Wednesday, February 27, 2013
At least we're talking about what most think

... I read today ... somewhere ... it does not matter where, but I would love to kiss the one who wrote it. (If you drop by here, let them know that tidbit crept into my heart).

... so I wonder did I fill this blog with things I really mattered or I just threw out things which not matter and on  that way have clean space to deal with what bothers me the most.

... so I wonder what else is in there, when I feel such an emptiness - as if I have nothing to solve.

 

... so I wonder why I did not like any normal cuttlefish, let the blackness out selves and fled, not to swallow it and fuzz own view."


She doubt about all MLC crap written on her blog. In that time we have huge clashes. She was high and felt mighty. And ready to leave. After I push very hard boundaries, she start to doubt what to do. She mention emptiness which in MLC theory means that ego died and she dealing with own demons at that moment. What do You think ?
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 01:06:04 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #42 on: July 03, 2013, 11:44:11 PM »
"Thursday, March 14, 2013
above all

Just an hour ago, thinks why she need this, on its way through the dense fog, hard climb. Moisture depressing seeping into the bones, it was difficult to see where she have to step and somehow was far from wonderful experience of staying in the mountains. Except for the wonderful feeling when you're alone with your thoughts.

But now, standing above the clouds and watching her breath as the cigarette smoke shines in the sun ... when you're above all ... when you managed to make this voyage... It's all worth the effort. she forgot about the endeavor and the some blisters.

Spin around and looked at the sea of ​​clouds. Sea. and she could only imagine what is hidden underneath and she will discover the beauty when it clears ...

Almost like life ...

Just to clear it."


She wrote this in third person. Fog, climbing, climb on the top of mountain, there is sun and clear, but below are clouds. Is she at limbo ? Or maybe she is on suspension bridge in liminality ? She waiting that clouds clear up. She said that worth climbing. Means she is possible near end of liminality ? What do You think ?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #43 on: August 12, 2013, 06:25:22 AM »
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Heartquake

When a child is born, perhaps then a single moment when his heart is in place and in one piece. Only what they need and only what he likes and knows there is to it. She's got her mom and everything he needs, that he loves food and cherished and cared for ...

But beginning to live and from that single moment until death do not stop getting to know and love the new stuff, people, feelings, ... And his heart is growing and each new love, one piece ... and all is well until the child's small world and together ....

Anyone who can read this at all, but has experienced the reality that their world could not hold it together and that everyone has the pieces of his heart slowly let go of yourself ... As the bubble ...

And among them there are large and small, important and less important, those who fly high and far away and never come back ... those who fall to the ground and burst ... but there are those that float across the sky somewhere where you can always see ... Some plummet away, so the miracle and come back, but they still can not reach ...

All kinds are, but they all share one heart.

I can not be the heart never gather in one place and it would not be ... I do not allow no man therefore be sad, because wealth is when you can look up and see the sky - a colorful and cheerful ...

A few balloons can be kept in the hands and walk life sure that you will not fall out. Because the pieces of the heart you can not tie lanyard and not always in your hands whether to slip and float. The worst thing is that you have the greatest most hassle to keep them. Perhaps because most trying.

Sometimes it seems he's the one at hand, which is important, and flew long. But you reach in for it, you can easily wiggle away from the hands of those who would like to always carry with you.

Balloons are here in this world to fly. If you leave them for yourself, shrivel up, reduce, not hopping more ... and they can be difficult to re-inflate ...

The heart is a strange little plant. It just always wants to jump, to fly ... closely he was captured and was sad when they do not grow ...

You will know that bubbles have not mentioned and you will know what your and dearest to you from those who fly far ... Let them ... they must ...

This is her last post on blog.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #44 on: September 12, 2013, 08:42:01 AM »
Yea, she is unfortunately still in bloody replay. She try to reach me, how I get her post but she can't. And alluding that hearth have desire to jump out and grow implicate that she seeking, searching.

Offline stayed

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #45 on: November 04, 2013, 05:14:24 AM »
I honestly don't know what to say.  From my experience, I'm  not sure there is ANYWAY of knowing for sure, if they are in liminality... or replay.  You can see the depression, although, she doesn't seems as depressed at she was in her earlier postings.  When I returned, I didn't know anything about liminality/replay/overt depression/whatever!  Honestly, I didn't.  I'm still not all that terribly clear in my own mind about what any of those things are, other then REPLAY... goodness the number of times they will appear to be having some clarity, only to scurry back into the tunnel and resume the "same old... same old", is completely perplexing.

Honestly Albatross, even when my h and I were reconciling, I WASN'T 100% SURE, that we were!  They abuse our trust so badly, there truly is a deep fear of believing one damn thing they say, let alone, is he/she REALLY BACK for good?  It's a time thing, stay as detached as you can and watch from the distance.  Have fun with them, when they will let you, try to get to know them again, IF THEY WILL LET YOU... if not, just stay away from them.

You are well adjusted and have a lot of knowledge.  Seem to know what to expect and seem prepared to STAND through whatever she throws at you. 

Good luck... hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #46 on: November 05, 2013, 08:14:06 AM »
Really appreciate Your input !
HUGS

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #47 on: November 13, 2013, 08:39:46 AM »
Monday, November 11, 2013

ALONE

I want at least one day in the morning to wake up alone, spend the whole day with no plan, no answer calls and don't met any acquaintances, and after such date, to sleep alone in the bed-was her greatest wish.

Starting sentence in first person and finish in third person.

Well, maybe not her the greatest wish, but it is supposed that one day the fog lifted from her eyes clearer to see where her heart truly desires to go. Where to, where to go and how to re-pick up all the pieces of life this silly scattered, unorganized buried, unresolved for years.

Indeed MLCers really don't see because "the fog". It is second time where she use fog as word to explain. She never solve any problem in her life. Conflict avoider. Passive aggressive. Co-dependent. Anxious operated by fear.

At least she thought it would help.
A thing is that she only able to crawl into a warm bed and listening to the wind and rain, visualize or, better yet, a dream to be. Alone.

Do I see withdrawal phase by Conway ?
« Last Edit: November 13, 2013, 08:41:21 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #48 on: November 13, 2013, 09:54:30 AM »
And how possibly such a person can love ? She wanna be alone. What about kids, me ? We are just burden for her at the moment. It is like blind person in reality. Lost in time and space. She don't wanna anyone. Living in fog, la-la world.

Offline stayed

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #49 on: November 13, 2013, 10:02:41 AM »
Sounds like mid life crisis to me Albatross.  Get out of her way buddy.  Let her swing in the wind.  Find your happy, happy place!

Hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
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Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #50 on: November 13, 2013, 11:27:30 AM »
Hi Stayed ~  have not seen you in a while :):):)  WOW just what I was thinking today (and yesterday...)   I reply and write on here and say" my H and I are reconnecting/reconciling....and then I say to myself I THINK ???   You were/are 100% accurate of your explanation, I think...if that matters.
I do love reading Albatross but wonder "how do you sound so sure?"
The only thing I know for sure is that I'm still confused but living my wonderful life :)

31andcounting
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline stayed

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #51 on: November 13, 2013, 11:55:41 AM »

The only thing I know for sure is that I'm still confused but living my wonderful life :)

That's exactly what I did 31andcounting!  I just reacquainted myself with my h.  Waited for him to catch up with me, because he had not done one damn thing to look within and figure out, what made him betray his long time partner the way he did?  He had not spent one second questioning his actions.  He had not looked at his part in the breakdown of the marriage, at least enough for him to determine he could no longer stay in it. 

There were some great days and there were some  horrible days.  My h did not want to REVISIT his behaviour.  He wanted it all to just go away and I was NOT suppose to push him at all.  Can't imagine what he was thinking?  He knows me better then that.  Oh well!

hugs Stayed

Haven't seen you in while either 31, good to see around again... :)

Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline Snowdrop

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #52 on: November 14, 2013, 07:52:30 PM »
hi Albatross.  Sorry you had some sad moments.  Good you had tears though, as so cleansing.

Que sera is a lovely song in so many ways, and I hope you can enjoy it soon. As you say though, once the tears are over, it is so much better.

Tears and crying are so great, arent they amazing when you think of it.  Same with a fever, terrible at the time, but a very powerful thing to help heal the body.  Tears are kind of the same dont you think, terrible as they are falling, but once you are done, its like a brand new you.

keep well Albatross.  Take care of you. ;D
« Last Edit: November 14, 2013, 07:54:14 PM by Snowdrop »
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #53 on: December 05, 2013, 11:30:14 AM »
Everything which can fly should fly

A good title for a little story about a girl , a girl and a woman ( all in one , whole 30 years compressed in a moment )

... because if there's anything in her life wanted to do was to fly freely and honestly . And if there's anything in her life ignored was that her desire , because they teach her to firmly walk on the earth .

... but she ran into a little breeze , warm , innocent , grazed her face , a smile crept across , played with her ​​hair ... and just as she turned to feel a little more , the air swirled and strongly raised her in the air . iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
... what a joy ...
Thanks you wind! It was nice , but I wanna down , please ... but the winds were not born to calm the winds are there to carry , swirling , unraveling ... winds are there to stir the still waters ...

(winds send messages to their heart says to kiss her ) ... winds feel when someone just thought of them ...
I tried it myself , got out a little , dropping lower and gasped ... someone removed ground ... land vanished .... and she sank ... and she felt a firm ground, but there was no air .... drowning in the sea and filling it with salty droplets ....
... and you can't live like that....
.... and what else she can do, but strongly push bottom , emerge, and start to fly again and surrender to the wind ... totally ...
... anyway she had always wanted to fly ....


I need little help here. What she wanna to say ?
« Last Edit: December 05, 2013, 11:32:29 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #54 on: January 08, 2014, 02:21:13 AM »
Good news is that previous her post was made in November 2012, means she is not in such mess at the moment but year a go. I find out about it recently.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #55 on: August 28, 2014, 01:49:43 PM »
"How will be good that I am a smoker" - she thinks.

Her whole life, everyone will take cigarets when things will become rough. Flame of lighter, lighted cigaret, inhaling smoke and hold it, then releasing it. After first smoke they lost spasm on their faces. Seems that they successfully exhaling negativity with that smoke from self.

But she haven't nothing like that. Her thoughts was always remain in her. Only new ones could suppress old ones, so she train self that is the best way to write short story and on that way everything "blow away" on paper like smokers do.

Nevertheless, fingers was jumping on keyboard, thoughts modeled in some meaningless sentences and on that way overwhelm previous thoughts. Sentences flows and fill up rows and released from soul.

Yes, she could cry. But she is not. But that becoming boring in time. She remember how he ask her in metaphor that from whole book left only one letter. She smiles,  and thinks, is not nothing like that. Will be nice that it is. Will be peaceful.

I have to much letters, that is the problem. Well, time is for throwing away "cigaret leftover on the floor and squash it with foot. Once more take a deep breath and  then go to sleep. When all lights go off, when everything become peaceful, and she tucked in, in bed, with one more sentence in own head write end, just that all have head and tail...

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #56 on: August 28, 2014, 02:32:55 PM »
Attaching to read later.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #57 on: August 29, 2014, 02:40:47 AM »
What does it mean when people refer to themselves in the third person?

Plausible answer...
I believe that first and foremost this is most likely an affectation. Possibly an attempt to get attention. Possibly they want someone to be concerned that they aren't well. If this is the case, I would talk to them at least in passing and ask why they say that. Another one could be that they have self-acknowledgement issues. Possibly guilt/shame/embarrassment. Possibly low self-esteem. They may feel like an outsider as this would be a symbolic way to represent the self in a dissociated manner. People who do this may be coping with some issues that need to be brought into light. I would look at other aspects of their behavior. If it is deliberated towards some and not others, those who they direct this impersonal self-reference towards may be people who they feel neglected by. They may be sanely trying to say, in an oblique manner, "You don't acknowledge me, and so now neither do I." Possible Passive-aggressive tendencies? I would say these are most likely only because I have personally done this in my youth for reasons stated herein.


This is what I find out about writing in third person. So, who is prisoner and who is monster ? Or in other words who is persona and who is inner self. So far I can see, first person should be inner self or monster in MLC, and third person should be persona or prisoner. Maybe I am wrong ? What do you think ? Could be only two possibilities, so eventually I will find out.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2014, 02:42:19 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #58 on: May 21, 2015, 04:28:07 AM »
After exactly two long years she start to post on her blog again. Her words two years a go were "I need two years to put my self together". Is that means that she is at end of tunnel ?

March 16. 2015.
Granny

"Not so long time before look at some old granny who sitting in front of house, crossed hands in her lap, standing still, produce in me sadness and mercy. Fear.
 
Idea to sitting alone in front of house, on bench and calmly pulling particles from sweater, in silence navigating trough my mind, disrupted with nothing, now seems totally attractive.

Bliss.

Maturity or disappointment ?"


I would say, acceptance perhaps ? What you say ? What do You think why she start to post private thoughts after two straight years of silence ?

Offline Anjae

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #59 on: May 21, 2015, 04:13:43 PM »
What do You think why she start to post private thoughts after two straight years of silence ?

Maybe because your wife was/is having a MLC, MLC takes time and a MLCer needs a lot of time to process even the simplest thing?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #60 on: May 22, 2015, 03:21:18 AM »
What do You think why she start to post private thoughts after two straight years of silence ?

Maybe because your wife was/is having a MLC, MLC takes time and a MLCer needs a lot of time to process even the simplest thing?

lol Anjae, I know that :) I was thinking about my first sentence in my previous post. When she enters in tunnel she stop writing on blog, after two years of silence she start to write again. That could means she is near to end of the tunnel ?

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #61 on: May 24, 2015, 12:02:35 PM »
No expectations!  ;)  But for your sake, I hope so. Prayers going up.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #62 on: May 25, 2015, 12:00:09 AM »
Thank You R2T :) For fans of StarWars almost R2D2 ! :)

March 25, 2015
"Face ... (diminutive for FaceBook)
 
... I said once that I like better my peace on blog than confusion on Facebook.

The illusion is that it becomes tangible when you realize that real people like FB buddies show that just do not have much in common.

 I love the blog stories ... listen, read, watch, speak and write ... think about them ... here is more beautiful ...

And for all those who love stories have interesting monthly challenge ... join ... (here is link on some kind literal contents, she writing short stories and post there)"



Of course that is perspective, but replay was connected with FB and absence of blog. She is now active on FB and blog, that should mean something after 2 years absence on blog. Also on FB exist more normal people than broken people. On blogs is opposite, there is more broken people. Just my opinion. Other thing is that on blog they write incognito, on FB with real names. That means she does not like reality which is more present on FB then blog. They missing justifications on FB. People on blog justify in their comments her articles, on that way she feel special and getting justifications for own actions.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 12:14:41 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #63 on: June 03, 2015, 06:01:42 AM »
Monday, March 30, 2015

Face 2 ... :) (FaceBook)

"I'm just going once more on this subject, and not in the future again - I promise! :)

In a commentary a little lower writes: - "... In blogger space I allow others to read what is basically a part of me, not just what I want to show but what I want to hide, perhaps most friends from FB would never understand that. "

I did not write here what I want to hide, nor will I do in the future. But I was much better while most of this is not known. And then the devil could not give me a break, so I nicely published "urbi et orbi":

- I'm here and that is what I am !

And in the essence nothing happened because of it.

And that nothing was disappointment.

Total ignorance.

...

But I am convinced in something fantastic. When You click with someone on the blog, You will click with them in real life.

Like as you walk over mountains and meet people "different" than people who you meet in town.

Selected, purified, stripped, washed, selected, ... without too much explanations, would click to the people whom needs to be clicked ;)
"


She wrote in own FB profile link on blog. That means she reveal "true self" to the people who knows her in RL and they are on FB. She did outing self like some people from gay population do. And she were disappointed. lol She expect that people see that link in her FB about ? And even they see it, being interested what she writing on blog ? I can't conclude anything else than she is at the moment very narcissistic. lol Nobody cares. Maybe she expect support and understanding of people from RL ? And about people from blog, I can only conclude that those people are broken and have to write something what bother them, they also are very similar in their own mess that they have a lot in common about depressions and mess. so they understand each other, at list they can feel mutual pain... ie Broken people come along better with broken people. So, OM2 with whom she has, possibly still have PA is her pal from blog. That's is about those clicking. She have poof. lol
« Last Edit: June 03, 2015, 06:16:34 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #64 on: June 05, 2015, 12:17:06 AM »
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Laugh to the tears...

"Day in which You do not laugh to the tears - is wasted.

I am trying to laugh, but is not always easy to do so. Sometime is necessary encourage it, like encouraging weak child. Nurture it, feed it, protect from the world. But never forget about it, ignore it.

Laugh is cure. Specially for sad people."


She trying to be positive and on that way escaping from depression. Still refusing to change self. It is self medication, curing symptoms not cause.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #65 on: July 27, 2015, 07:44:32 AM »
Sunday, April 5, 2015

NIGHT
 

"2:28 AM

 

In fact, I can fall in sleep only with two clicks - if I turned off the tablet and brain - click click.

But I do not want ... it is nice ... they are all asleep. And by "all" I mean the family members and neighbors ... and, it seems to me and everyone else in the city. I do not hear a squeal of brakes from a distance. Only monotonous tapping of rain on the roof of the car. Parked in front of the window - the beauty of life on the ground. Direct fall of rain water from the roof - beauty of living in the house which is over 150 years old, and poor house haven't a gutter.

 

So I wonder whether you can hear rain sounds the same when the house is in the wild, and You are stteping the grass as soon as you go out trough front door?

 

I wonder would my brain process as much thought as in the city when day is not exposed to anything except singing birds, small murmur of insects and eventually reading something easy on the porch in the rocking chair ?
"

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #66 on: September 14, 2015, 04:34:03 AM »
April 6. 2015.

Today nobody read books - everybody writing them

"What is written in title somewhere I read it. Do not ask where, because I haven't clue about it. Everything happening so fast and shallow and sometimes I am not even sure for my own thoughts that they aren't recycled from somewhere.

Often I have desire to write my own book, just that book remain after I gone. But immediately I start to doubt to start to write the book because time pass long time a go of great novel writers and there is no room for great novels. And I do not wan to be left in department of non read. Like we aren't not read anyway."


She obviously wants to be spotted, craving for attention from society and have to say something to the world. But what ? She have low self esteem, nobody would read  what she wrote, so it is pointless to write it anyway ? Or she have no talent to write good enough what she feels and want to tell ? Like stop fighting with world, giving up, it is pointless to fight ? Also she is not so big in her eyes as she were in narcissistic phase of crisis ?

Offline 1trouble

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #67 on: September 14, 2015, 04:50:57 AM »
Albatross

I was looking at old archived threads on this site for inspirational quotes, which I cut and paste into a word doc.

I can read and reflect on these and they can help me through the dark days of this MLC hell.
I found something you wrote about your wife which I added to my word doc as it said how I feel about my H.

"My wife and my self was really SOULMATES. That is one thing more which make me all of this even more hard.
Anyway in year 2007 my wife enter in MLC She try to do million things, but wont work obviously. She gradually sink every day after day, after day. Become more depressed
Why I am telling this ? Because MLC for her was imminent. Whatever we did or she did, she will hit anyway MLC., I said, now it is enough, I wanna divorce ! Later searching my heart and soul, rewind all our life together, my heart can't do it ! So, I decide to be eternally alone or with her after end of that MLC crap.  But it is up to her, we as couple are in her hands and in God's hands.
Point is that LOVE means EVERYTHING to me, whole my life I put in our love. That was only my goal in my life ! Live with my soulmate. And we was that."


I truly hope she is coming to the end of her journey and on her way back to you and the love you have kept safe for her xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #68 on: September 14, 2015, 05:22:03 AM »
1trouble, what you wrote means a lot, because I have proof that someone read and possibly get help on that way, making what I wrote on this site purpose. Thank You very much, it is huge reassurance for me to continue writing. Wish You best luck in Your life journey !

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Authentic material from MLC'er blog - Part two
« Reply #69 on: November 08, 2016, 01:57:50 PM »


She start to post again on blog after more than year ! :)

Saturday, November 5, 2016
...
"Somebody forget to put rope around my neck and move away stool beneath me. Worst thing is that even gravity abandon me and I hoover and strangle slowly, slowly..."

Seems that replay does not work anymore... And she have to go in limminal depression... What do you think ?



Edit - threads merged
« Last Edit: November 08, 2016, 02:09:45 PM by OldPilot »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2016, 02:18:34 PM »
Monday, November 7, 2016
Hello, hello...


"- I am not in the mood for talking.

- Why ? How are You ? You sounds wired to me.

- I am in the phase sorting of cabinet. You know those inner ones. And I realize that I have nothing to wear. This season I have nobody to whom I would like to tell how I am.

- Are You looking for someone ? And you have me.

- No, it is different I do not have you. With You I start to feel cold.

- Fu*ck, maybe it is at the moment on that way. Would be better.

- Would not. Because I would not allow You that You freeze me again."


Seems like long relationship is dead, connecting with previous post have to be ? Thoughts ?
« Last Edit: November 08, 2016, 02:19:47 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #71 on: November 08, 2016, 02:22:35 PM »
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
...
 

"Crying time"


Why she is crying ? Who would leave who ? :)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #72 on: November 09, 2016, 05:57:19 AM »
Interesting Albatross, maybe she has hit a liminal phase and is cleaning out all the clutter!!    Does it mean she is done?  only time will tell that but I do believe she is really "thinky"  and to me almost sounds clear!
 
She sounds like she is thinking a lot.  don't change anything, stay consistent in your actions!
(hugs)
31 
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Nas

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #73 on: November 09, 2016, 10:00:05 AM »
Very interesting!

Just curious, this is a public blog, no?  Does your W know you read it?

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #74 on: November 13, 2016, 11:26:28 AM »
Very interesting!

Just curious, this is a public blog, no?  Does your W know you read it?

Yes, it is public blog. She goes out of box and publish it on her facebook profile for anyone.

Interesting Albatross, maybe she has hit a liminal phase and is cleaning out all the clutter!!    Does it mean she is done?  only time will tell that but I do believe she is really "thinky"  and to me almost sounds clear!
 
She sounds like she is thinking a lot.  don't change anything, stay consistent in your actions!
(hugs)
31

Maybe she is. I am fine with any kind of outcome. Really feels good. There is no any kind of romantic feelings for her.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #75 on: November 18, 2016, 12:03:43 PM »
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Valve for soul
"I can't remember why I make my blog with such a name. Blog soon become some kind of therapy, it was not planned. I just felt good unfold my thoughts melted in words... rivers and torrents sometimes... clear in most cases... but muddy to the edge...

Even in long periods when I did not wrote anything I did visit my blog and reading where I am.
 And it was good when that blog was anonymous. Now I do not feel so free... now I am careful that someone would find some hiding message... maybe... but to me from me... to understand... to process... make order, calm, make decision, move... to scream in my ear, on nice way, polite, moderate... because I understand self when I cannot even put thoughts in sentence... I can understand the best those three dots... I can see my tears trough I wrote even a years after they gone...

Flood of rain... valve... only for me.
"

How can I get is that she rewriting own history and she were driven by powerful emotions which make her thoughts. So she write blog as a record and lead, something solid for what she can hold. As we all know MLCers memory is messed. 
« Last Edit: November 18, 2016, 12:06:09 PM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #76 on: November 20, 2016, 03:51:09 AM »
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Diving...
"... trough blog archives which are in my category "fallow". Some of those people are stil there, sometimes... gloomily place... like island in middle of winter, like couple of people inside houses listen how wind whistle and sea waves slumming into rocks. Each move echoing in empty house, each step like sledgehammer over naked stones, breathing is deafening. Their thoughts are there but no answer. Nobody talking...

And I seek for something warm. In beginning unconsciously and without goal... later I get what I am seeking for, but that is not anymore there... only wind, winter and loneliness..."


She is back in time when crisis start and where she find imaginary life on that blog and seek for people who are in same crap as she is. Obviously most of them make it trough and gone from that imaginary world. So, she find self lonely there...


« Last Edit: November 20, 2016, 03:56:16 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #77 on: November 20, 2016, 12:57:09 PM »
Monday, November 14, 2016
Happiness

"Thousand things can make you happy. Things, people, happenings, places, feelings... Are You happy ?

But You should in time question self, what it is just ONE without those 999 things cannot make you smile."


I believe she were think about love... So, she haven't love but anything else in crisis, and nothing of that can really make her happy.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #78 on: November 20, 2016, 01:18:08 PM »
Wendsday, November 16, 2016
Pliiink
"7:00 alarm ring, she switch it off

8:00 pliiink, sms... she stretch arm in take look on phone from who is message... "Sleepy, you are late."

8:30 It's ring  ... colleagues... she did not answer, she just mute ringtone

9:45 pliiiink, sms ...  "We are little worry, is everything OK ?"

10:30 pliiiink, sms ... "Weekend discount in..."

10:52 pliiink, facebook ... 1 message

11:25 pliiink, facebook... 2 messages

11:26 pliiink, facebook... somebody answered on your comment

12:00 It's ring remainder for appointment
12:48 pliiink, facebook .... 7 messages
13:28 It's ring... she mute rington

15:43 pliiink...

16:50 pliiink...

17:20 pliiink...

18:00 pliiink, sms ... "I arrived. Where are You ?"

18:02 pliiink, sms ... "Did You forget coffee ?"

18:09 pliiiink, sms ... "helloooo. Answer it."

18:23 pliiink, sms ... "Should I worry ? Call me as soon as possible."

19:34 Then bell on the doors rang She did not get a doors

20:53 pliiink, facebook ... 12 messages

22:14 pliiiink...

23:45 pliiiink... message... "Is not engine effect, just to know."

She take phone and slam it into the wall.

 


7:00 Alarm ring. Phone did not broke, but she was."


How I get it she were dreaming, and all of that was dream until 7 AM when she wake up broken. What dream say is that facebook and all other lala things start to annoy her, before that was her lala playground.

Offline PatienceGalore

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #79 on: November 21, 2016, 12:24:17 PM »
Joining your story as you post here.
M:1994
BD: 31st Dec 2012..Happy New Year!
"I want a new love, I want to take risks, I want a new relationship with the kids"...thanks, what's wrong with the one you had???

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #80 on: November 28, 2016, 12:12:06 PM »
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Sorrow, she and I, and we together
I made my decision.

Here I will spill my sorrow and be poor, depressed, and nothing... but just here.

And I succeed with that. When I move away from here, all is good.

But I return here 50 times per day to peek in I do not know really in what, is that means that I love her ?... so, I sing...

"Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again.."


She struggle with depression, but depression is stronger... means she still refuse to change self, instead she still remain stubborn... and that really bring her into crisis... and BTW here is proof, she is very depressed ! And she is aware of own depression. Huge signs.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2016, 12:52:44 PM by Albatross »

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #81 on: November 29, 2016, 06:47:31 AM »
I agree Albatross, she is aware!!

I hope she begins digging herself out of it.  Awareness is the first step!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline PatienceGalore

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #82 on: November 29, 2016, 11:01:34 AM »
Hey there Albatross,
Yes, she is aware of her state, and that is great. But what I see as well, is that she is openly writing this on a public blog (am I right, everyone cab read it?). If that is so, maybe she is looking for someone to hear her and she no longer wants to be left alone with this, even though she feels utterly dejected inside. 
And what is the decision she refers to?

She seems so sad....
M:1994
BD: 31st Dec 2012..Happy New Year!
"I want a new love, I want to take risks, I want a new relationship with the kids"...thanks, what's wrong with the one you had???

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #83 on: November 29, 2016, 12:23:44 PM »
Hey there Albatross,
Yes, she is aware of her state, and that is great. But what I see as well, is that she is openly writing this on a public blog (am I right, everyone cab read it?). If that is so, maybe she is looking for someone to hear her and she no longer wants to be left alone with this, even though she feels utterly dejected inside. 
And what is the decision she refers to?

She seems so sad....

Indeed, sad part is that she is alone whole life, and she have husband just across room, and she cannot open self to me. Too sad that she is passive aggressive.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #84 on: November 29, 2016, 12:37:21 PM »
Friday, November 18, 2016
...
Be brave,

   be brave, there should be solution.

Like I comfort self,

 how to be comfort inconsolable ?


She is trapped... there is no way out.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #85 on: December 04, 2016, 08:47:36 AM »
Saturday, November 19. 2016
Final bill
How is going it is better for me draw a line for this year already. Last month for sure would not rise it above average, would be just opposite...

Well, year was pathetic.

I had a  dreams, and hear them. I guess they wont be mine, so I let them go to fly away. Maybe I hear them wrongly... but in the air they did not look at me back.

Maybe I did good thing.

Maybe I knew only that. Giving up.


What to say about totally screwed person ?


Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #86 on: December 04, 2016, 12:57:44 PM »
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Today I would...

"...only scream, if You don't mind.

Well, like I care...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA   !!!!!!!"

Seems like she talk to self, two entities. One want to scream, and another does not care.  :o

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #87 on: December 06, 2016, 10:23:15 AM »
Monday, November 21, 2016
Paradox

When is my day total crap, like today, then I am good.

When something by accident happens and make me laugh, in next moment I get watery eyes. That moment of happiness is remainder how I use to laugh whole day.


So, she does not like to have happy moments, because she now use to it being unhappy, depressed. And those short episodes of happiness make her sad because she was before MLC happy person. There is admitting of being in crap now, and I am wonder is she aware that she is only one responsible for own life ? Or she still blame whole world for own misery, specially significant other ?



Offline PatienceGalore

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #88 on: December 06, 2016, 10:37:12 AM »
Seems like that.

I don't see in the blog passages that you posted, that unhappy feelings are linked to you. They pretty much are linked to how she is, independent of others.
With the happy feelings, if you see that they belong to pre mlc, that would have been linked to you, especially as she was co dependent, but did not know it.
Possibly her sadness is in not knowing how to bridge the gap back to being happy with you in her life knowing what she has done in the last few years and how she had treated you
M:1994
BD: 31st Dec 2012..Happy New Year!
"I want a new love, I want to take risks, I want a new relationship with the kids"...thanks, what's wrong with the one you had???

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #89 on: December 06, 2016, 11:20:55 AM »
Thank You for your opinion, appreciate it. But question is is she think about that her life were happy in replay or before crisis ? Maybe she feel sorrow that replay does not make her happy anymore ? I really do not know. Still is same doubt in her next post:

Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Life motto

To my favorite sentence I add new word:

"Life WAS pretty."


When was life pretty ? Before MLC, in replay ? Anyway, only for sure she is in bad place.
     

Offline PatienceGalore

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #90 on: December 06, 2016, 11:26:29 AM »
It could be either.
The sadness could be linked to the realisation that her dreams in replay are shattered. It is as plausible as her pre mlc happiness.

Yes, it is so sad to read what she writes. I can feel the pain through the words.
Poor lady
M:1994
BD: 31st Dec 2012..Happy New Year!
"I want a new love, I want to take risks, I want a new relationship with the kids"...thanks, what's wrong with the one you had???

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #91 on: January 27, 2017, 06:13:17 AM »
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
HOPE
 
"Thoughts are energy-
What we think produce similar energy. And in no time we sink in what we running from.

Solution: in small steps make brain to think positively.

This morning I start it with that, I walked over stacks of leafs on the street. Is not so much, but it is beginning. Smile is get back."


She were saying we sink from what we running from, it is escape and avoid and she trying desperately to avoid imminent collision with own shadow...
« Last Edit: January 27, 2017, 06:14:49 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #92 on: January 27, 2017, 06:25:35 AM »
Monday, December 5, 2016
GREY

"Grey. Not like good grey, it is like:

bland, impersonal, boring, gloomy, pale, depressed, lonely, melancholy, quietly, usually, poor, lost, sad, apathetic, fake, lonely, anxious, aimlessly, fluid, ...

And I do not know could I count all of mine 50 shades of grey.

.. but every single day on each corner I am hit at leas with one of those - like exists thousand of them."


That is how she feels in life... Nobody wants to be there, for sure.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #93 on: January 27, 2017, 06:47:49 AM »
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Eh, women

"There exists approximately 3 square meters in life of each women and from that you know all. Bed. If women go to bed happy, that it is.
She can be happy at work, with kids, in society. Laugh whole day. But if there is shadow over her smile in moments when she feels once again just passed day, it is a sign that she missing something.

And now everyone who think it is a sex - shame on you.

I did not.

Only happy woman love sex. Without any shadow happy. She seeks you, allure you, want you and need you.

And those shadows are small everyday things, nonchalance, moments when you take them for grant, when you make her to be away from you. Day after day, those shadows become longer and darkness start to squeeze.

Each women wants and dream about something else. Equally each on them have own reasons for sadness. Maybe their desires are impossible or banal from  your point of view. Maybe you aren't man for her. Maybe...

Nevertheless, each of them have shadow which scream if something is not right. You just need to look... if you are hers, you will know it..."


What to say ? Is it fault of insensitive spouse ? Or wife who can't express emotions, on that way can't  connect with husband properly, and felt alone ? And she maybe thinks that I am not her soulmate, otherwise I would know whats bothering her even she does not know ? Projection of blame ? Projection of self in hands of other.  Other one suppose to make her happy ?

Offline superdog

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #94 on: January 27, 2017, 12:45:51 PM »
All of it albatross.!! But what if she never understands?  What then for you?
Relax - they have a Karma bus ticket to ride.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #95 on: January 28, 2017, 08:43:03 AM »
All of it albatross.!! But what if she never understands?  What then for you?

Hello superdog, how are You ? Thank You for your comments. I was always fine, that is one of reasons why she pick me, unstable person needs stable person. I am fine with my life, always been, always am.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #96 on: January 28, 2017, 08:49:19 AM »
Sunday, January 1, 2017
It is New Year
"Life is good.


Do not believe to fool who say opposite. As one old song said: "... it is some kind bypass, just my daily paranoids..."

... it is just my perception of the moment. I stare in closed doors, and behind my back is window wide open."


So, she finally got it that something destructive in her make her to see things horrible... inner struggle.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #97 on: January 28, 2017, 09:02:01 AM »
Thursday, January 5, 2017
THERAPY

"I should patent "my way", write book and become famous with successful technique of revival.   

Step 1: Open blog

Step 2: spill out only to you understandable state of own soul.

Step 3:  You come, read it, cry.

And then repeat infinitely step three. You come, read, cry... You come, read, cry... You come, read, cry...

And one day you come on blog, read it and do not cry. And then You are good.

I guarantee that. Always been like that. Everything pass, question is in how many repetitions ?

And for all side effects you know who you would ask."


How I see, she is fed up with self :D lol It is end of dark matter release - aka shadow material ?

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #98 on: February 02, 2017, 11:46:23 AM »
Sunday, January 8, 2017
THE CORE

"When I look self in mirror, I am satisfied with that outer layer... 
And second layer is not bad.
On 7 th layer things are not so good, but the 6 th patch all holes.
Surprisingly, the second is compact, like first one.

But core.

The core is fuc*ed up."


She healing from outside to inside ? Or she avoid healing at all ?
« Last Edit: February 02, 2017, 11:56:45 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #99 on: May 18, 2017, 09:46:43 AM »
Friday, January 13, 2017
I SAID ALL
 
"At least that seems like that. Who cares anyway what I have to say ? Even writing to self I have noting to add. Like lifetime wisdom could transfer in someone else head.Like my own wisdom can be stable ? Only changes are eternal, someone wiser said.
 
I read those 5 stages of grief and counting what I lost during the time. And which phases were longest, deeper and stronger, and what pass just like washing my face, look in the mirror and brief: "Let's move on". And then like some stupid freaked graph, I imagine my thoughts and I know that I am long time in all of those phases in same time and multiplied... Like I tie my hands when I try to resolve knot...

There is no any kind of resolving because I can sense more situations with new phases to mix them... and there is no any clearance...

I have desire to write...

...nor think...

... even less talk.

I am going again in shell. "
« Last Edit: May 18, 2017, 09:47:48 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #100 on: May 26, 2017, 09:07:30 AM »
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Waiting for Godot
"I am angry. A little bit rude, impudent, rude... peevish and heartless. Sometimes unavailable, excluded, not interested for everything around me. Rigid, cold, calculated.

And then someone ask me: "Why You are like that ?"

Well, because I have nobody for who I can be with smile, compassionate, easy and happy. So, I save that for better days."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #101 on: May 26, 2017, 09:16:28 AM »
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Levitate
"Neither in heaven nor on earth.

Cliche. Good word.

I get back in gray. Nowhere. Illusion. Mist. Not even fog. Like something is, but is nothing."

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #102 on: May 30, 2017, 05:35:03 AM »
Monday, May 29, 2017
Experience
"Please don't talk. Because you're wondering am I fine and I'll tell you I am. And then you'll wonder did I ever felt better and I'll say no. And then you will ask me more and eventually ask do you love me. I'll say I do love you. But you would not believe me because we did lye to so many people, so we no longer believe to anyone. No matter how hard we want it. And then I will be sad and start to convince you and those words would not mean anything, because people say a lot of things, but they never really stick with what they say. And I will spend a lot of energy to convince you and eventually I would ask you do you believe me and you will say I believe you.

And then I will not believe you that you believe me."
« Last Edit: May 30, 2017, 05:47:14 AM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #103 on: June 01, 2017, 04:26:55 AM »
Does anyone have any idea what's going on in her head  ? Seems like she is very disappointed with loving relationships.

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #104 on: June 01, 2017, 04:36:11 PM »
Sounds to me like a lot of projection?  She doesn't trust anyone, but really at the core of it all, she doesn't trust herself.  Her own inauthenticity has her believing that everyone else is inauthentic too.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #105 on: June 02, 2017, 06:29:08 AM »
Exactly light!!   She doesn't trust herself to "stay the course" once she exits ....so typical of a MLCER. 
The dates that she posted all this look older??  January and February then some in May is that right Albatross?   
It almost feels as though she has moved a bit from Jan to May....she wants to trust and believe but is afraid.  She doesn't believe why in the world would you believe her Albatross?? ( I feel that is what she is thinking)  I understand exactly why and how you would believe her Albatross!! Have you told her you believe in her? you trust she is better?  just wondering :)
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #106 on: June 06, 2017, 11:33:38 AM »
Sounds to me like a lot of projection?  She doesn't trust anyone, but really at the core of it all, she doesn't trust herself.  Her own inauthenticity has her believing that everyone else is inauthentic too.

Thank You for comment lighthouse. Right in the middle, I agree with You. People naturally project self in others. Like you never be able to convince person who for example easily steal that You aren't like him. Other thing is casting own shadow in others. Like I am ethical, even though, I am able to delude self and justify my unethical actions, but others are unethical, but they are just hypocrites. She have serious problems with own identity like any other MLCer.

Exactly light!!   She doesn't trust herself to "stay the course" once she exits ....so typical of a MLCER. 
The dates that she posted all this look older??  January and February then some in May is that right Albatross?   
It almost feels as though she has moved a bit from Jan to May....she wants to trust and believe but is afraid.  She doesn't believe why in the world would you believe her Albatross?? ( I feel that is what she is thinking)  I understand exactly why and how you would believe her Albatross!! Have you told her you believe in her? you trust she is better?  just wondering :)
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Thank You for your input 31. I just live my life and radiate love around self, mirroring her good vibes and actions, and refuse to mirror her bad vibes and actions. She knows where I am, if she want something.

Offline The lighthouse

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #107 on: June 06, 2017, 01:53:17 PM »
I just live my life and radiate love around self, mirroring her good vibes and actions, and refuse to mirror her bad vibes and actions. She knows where I am, if she want something.

That's all any of us can do when dealing with this Albatross  :).
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #108 on: June 12, 2017, 11:22:22 AM »
Sunday, June 11, 2017
No title
"Floating. I hope for straw.
 
Somaday.
"

Limbo ? Deep overt depression ?

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #109 on: June 15, 2017, 09:05:20 AM »
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Depressed
"Let's go ! If someone need advice how to pull self from depression,  I have million of them.

They do not works for me, so I am giving them away."


She said all, whatever she try to escape from depression does not works. Like Rollercoaster said, they try shortcuts and they cannot solve huge problems which accumulate in them for years. So, replay is officially is over. So, she have to jump in that chasm... finally confront with self and do serious work...

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #110 on: June 15, 2017, 01:24:58 PM »
Thursday, June 15, 2017
I don't want to forget
 
"Do we forget more happiest or sad moments of life ?

Sad moments we  do not like to remember, but they are here as soon as we think of them. And they are with all sounds, smells, pictures, even those clouded by tears.

Happy moments we seek in memories, like we hide them from self. Maybe because we do not want to remember them how we was happy and now we aren't. Maybe because it is the worst have it and then not have it, like old proverb said. And there is nothing worse than lost happiness. Especially when each smile remind you on your past when you use to laugh.
"
« Last Edit: June 15, 2017, 01:26:09 PM by Albatross »

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #111 on: August 06, 2017, 02:02:07 PM »
Monday, November 7, 2016
Hello, hello...


"- I am not in the mood for talking.

- Why ? How are You ? You sounds wired to me.

- I am in the phase sorting of cabinet. You know those inner ones. And I realize that I have nothing to wear. This season I have nobody to whom I would like to tell how I am.

- Are You looking for someone ? And you have me.

- No, it is different I do not have you. With You I start to feel cold.

- Fu*ck, maybe it is at the moment on that way. Would be better.

- Would not. Because I would not allow You that You freeze me again."


Seems like long relationship is dead, connecting with previous post have to be ? Thoughts ?

I was wrong there talking two entities, she is split. So, monster would not allow to prisoner to freeze them ! There inner struggle !

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #112 on: September 07, 2017, 02:54:48 PM »
She post it today on her FB page, means she do not post it on blog, that suppose to mean something because that kind of posts she post on blog. How there on FB would see more people then on blog and people who knows her from real life, I believe is because she feels utterly alone ant that she screaming to be seen.

According to FB post she wrote this on same date two years a go at November 7. 2015. So I assume that she wants to say that she lost two years of life for nothing and in those two years nothing was changed.
 
"She lost feeling how time past that afternoon for wandering.When she rise head to take look a sky, clouds form some kind of guideline. All of them on horizon join together in invisible dot imaginary island where she suddenly wants to on it. Dark, but not somber, enough serious that with density and humidity cover sun and with that she was not able to figure out which part of day is. For her was not clear is it bluish shine of sky a last moment because of sunset or sun is still high and its power was taken away by those big fat clouds who threatening to spill a rain.

She lower a head. It was not important for her because hers thoughts are already trapped in endless loop which did not lead anywhere, time even did not exists. From time to time she take look at calendar and was aware at the moments how long she were trapped in waiting.

And each waiting in life was sign loss and poisoning of soul. But she also know like sky knows to bluffing with smile and cover the truth. Only rare people could read that in her eyes. She show to rare people on covert way, timidly offer that opportunity to possibly see what is inside her. Rare of rare really put an effort do to so."


Now she openly showing to everyone her FB friends how in bad place she were and that she still is according to her moving in her father place.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #113 on: September 07, 2017, 06:11:20 PM »
Following
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #114 on: September 08, 2017, 06:44:23 AM »
Albatross could she possibly showing signs of Overt depression now rather than covert depression??  She now wants it out in the open??
She now realizes "internally" she wants help?   Only time will tell my friend.
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline AlbatrossTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #115 on: October 07, 2017, 09:59:30 AM »
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Prophecy...

I am reading one ancient text... We humans are unique beings. In the nutshell we know exactly what we should do, but we do not have courage to do it. Some people never do... I did it little bit to late, but anyway... I change apartment and the city and job...

Quote
"Sunday, August 24, 2008
My valve is stuck
There are days, and he knows it take, when my soul stuck valve, so that in me just deposited some faceless sludge somehow ambivalent emotions that their coating overshadow the happy moments. No they for some reason, but then again, there are a million reasons. And so I stand and I think the way out of me everything before I choked. And before become difficult to breathe. And before I sink.

But I see no way out and do not know where to start.

I will like to turn everything upside down in one stroke, sort of a roll table full of messy clutter, wet after last night's revelry and places burned with half smoked cigarettes. I like to turn everything up side down and go the other way. I like to change apartment and the city and job.

But I stand. I let the mud deposited.

And this my valve does not working ..."


That is the point in time when separation phase of her transition starts, exact date year 2008. So, she reading own blog history. It is pity that she did not know in 2008 why she have to do what she wrote and even now she do not know why she did it ? Only what she knows that she have to do it. Go figure ?
« Last Edit: October 07, 2017, 10:15:44 AM by Albatross »

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #116 on: December 27, 2017, 06:27:08 AM »
Sunday, November 5, 2017
On the letter ... on the letter ... A
"The stone frame of a small window facing the street and the window blinds are condemned to be opened forever because they will break down if you just touch them. In the old blue pot with white dots is freshly blossomed flower. The cat laying on the the sun squinting and hang a tail down from window like fairy Amalka waving slowly her hair. They all decrepit together, and in same time they are magnificent as the golden apse of the basilica, who knows from which century.

Trough air the swallows swirling their morning allegro over the middle of cove which is pressed by tide and in same time fishing boat strikes the rhythm with the only one chord which he knows to play.
 
I can feel in living room astral breeze of summer."


How I see it, she cannot cope with reality and this is how she can see own sanctuary. Means she seek for peace. Or could be that old self is dead and new self is about to be born ? Metamorphosis, process of rebirth ? God knows...
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 06:38:35 AM by Albatross »

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Authentic material from MLC'er blog
« Reply #117 on: December 27, 2017, 11:08:59 AM »
Only time will tell Albatross!   That dreaded word  Time !
sigh
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Hurting people hurt people :(

 

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