Skip to main content

Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 4

  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13334
  • Gender: Male

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4281
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#1: June 18, 2013, 10:54:00 AM
Joining this thread as a mentor!
X
  • Logged

  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 114
  • Gender: Male
  • I've read the statistics for mom, dad and children
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#2: June 18, 2013, 11:13:22 AM
Child Question.....

Last Night W called and asked us to go to dinner (she was out of town)

We had a nice dinner, she seemed quiet (said she was tired) and complimented me on my "pretty eyes" (was nice to get a compliment).

We drove back to my car... D3 started crying... W offered to take D3 overnight (give me the night off)... I said "no I committed to keeping her tonight -- you need your rest"

Now comes the question....

D3 starts a loud crying fit --

I then made the decision that my W could watch our D3 have a "mommy" melt down... figuring the timing was right for W to observe her collateral damage.... I committed to staying until D3 calmed down... until now W has not seen this.

Did I do the right thing?... or is this considered pressure?


  • Logged
------------------------------
with hate and no forgiveness, there's no hope or chance

------------------------------

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4281
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#3: June 18, 2013, 12:00:39 PM
IMO if it was the right thing for D3 then it was fine.

My kids are quite a bit older ... someone else may be more help! But I feel that D3s needs should be first. xxxx
  • Logged

t
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3150
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#4: June 18, 2013, 12:47:11 PM
I think it was fine, not too much pressure.  She did offer to take your D.  I will say that I am not sure your W will see the connection between the meltdown and collateral damage from the situation.  She may, but during crisis they are pretty oblivious.
  • Logged

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2231
  • Gender: Female
  • Don't believe everything you think.
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#5: June 18, 2013, 01:10:49 PM
Poor little mite :(
Your daughter would have had her crying fit whether her mother witnessed it or not, so yeah she might as well have seen it and you stood by your daughter as you would whether your W saw it or not, so it's not like you have orchestrated anything. Things are the way they are. Reality is what it is. I don't see why MLC'er should be protected from it, LBS aren't.
  • Logged
'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.

  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 114
  • Gender: Male
  • I've read the statistics for mom, dad and children
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#6: June 18, 2013, 02:12:07 PM
This was my thought --- that the little one had started anyways.... the meltdown was quicker when we were both with her until better.

W has acknowledged a few times the effect.

Dang - I'm functionally detatched... still wishing that W would pull it together.

  • Logged
------------------------------
with hate and no forgiveness, there's no hope or chance

------------------------------

  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 114
  • Gender: Male
  • I've read the statistics for mom, dad and children
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#7: June 18, 2013, 03:01:59 PM
QUESTION - Difficult Discussions Regarding Children

Background...
I've been the stay at home parent.  The agreed plan was to have me stay with D3 until she began grade school.

Since BD, D3 has been at friends or family homes.  I recently started working - babysitter quit.

-----

I do not make enough for institutional daycare...   I really don't want her in a big box place...  I do not have sick time..

-----

A few months ago W asked what I wanted for our daughter... not sure it was the right answer "for her to grow up in a single loving home with her neuclear parents.... not being tossed around from daycare to daycare"

I'm aware that the following answer will not be within the guidelines "us to go to counseling.. you to move home... us to raise our child together"

When the above is my true and honest answer --- and I'm not supposed to pressure... how do you answer? 


Thank you
  • Logged
------------------------------
with hate and no forgiveness, there's no hope or chance

------------------------------

B
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2231
  • Gender: Female
  • Don't believe everything you think.
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#8: June 18, 2013, 03:07:05 PM
I'm not sure, my situation is much different to yours.

I do think that sometimes it might be good to revert the same question to them....''What do YOU want for our daughter?''
  • Logged
'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8224
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#9: June 18, 2013, 03:28:24 PM
I'm not sure, my situation is much different to yours.

I do think that sometimes it might be good to revert the same question to them....''What do YOU want for our daughter?''

I don't have children, but I think this is a great response.  Too many times the MLCers leave all of the important things on our shoulders to manage, and as a mother to a small child, she needs to have an opinion on this.  Plus, it shows her you are listening to her.  If she is able to express something ("I don't know" may really be her answer), you have the opportunity to respond with either alternatives or concerns.  I wouldn't offer up your honest feelings at this point because I think it would be seen as pressure and not accomplish what you ultimately need - coming up with a real solution to daycare. 

I'm not sure where you live, but you may be able to find a listing of home daycares in your area you could interview for potential placement.  My MIL is a provider, and she is on a list in our county that parents can research.  Costs are usually a little lower with those, and you can interview first to see if it's a fit.  Just a thought. 
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.