[i can and will cope]

thanks Serenity 3 years is a long time isnt it but reading on here its short in scheme of things same as me i suppose, did your h monster and seems as though he had been taken over by someone else ?

i thank you very much for replying to me think i am just having one of my down days today i dont think he loves ow as he doesnt seem happy at all and your right he is total opposite to what he was and she is total opposite to me .

hope you have a good day :-) xx
hope can chat again soon

[calamity]

Answered on thread.   Not as well as Serenity answered. 

[serenity]

Thank you Calamity, that is a big compliment.

X

How do I cope,

My H was still monstering at me up until about 6 months ago. I must admit I do know the triggers now, so I steer clear of them, but I feel we've moved on from that stage now anyway.

Sorry you're down. As they always say on here - keep strong and keep going, one day at a time.

Hugs,

X

[Rollercoasterider]

Being the lighthouse and paving the way...
Could anyone shed some light on this, please? Maybe with articles, threads or even their own versions...When is the time to pave the way, how, how long for etc...What does being the lighthouse really mean?
Only I thought I had sussed until I read a few posts that found me confused...

what is paving the way ? is there an article on this?

I remember reading one specifically about this.... Still thinking it was rejoice...

Well, the phrase Paving the Way is common and so it's not trademarked or anything—I don’t think so at least and so Rejoice Ministries may use it also, but I started using it on my own and so my usage may or may not be different.
I just wrote a blog post to explain Paving the Way.

[Songanddance]

Sorry - but I'm struggling with H still living at home and off seeing OW more than ever. I know it's cycling and I know that he will leave - he has said he will when he can afford it but I want him out now.
RCR has written a lot about CBs but it usually refers to CBs that keep coming back home rather than those that are still living at home. My H works from home too and then thinks it's ok to disappear off each night although he doesn't stay overnight and weekends to see her. How can I set him a boundary other than "please leave!"
Help!

[Ready2Transform]

How can I set him a boundary other than "please leave!"

What do you have against using that one?  He is deep in replay and if you already feel he is going to leave anyway, do what is best for you.  It will not hinder stop his crisis to save yourself the anguish of having this in your face. 

[Songanddance]

R2T - Thanks.
I suppose what has been stopping me is that he said at BD that I had every right to kick him out and later expressed surprise that I hadn't. (too shocked really to do anything) I thought that maybe it was a 180 thing where if I did what he didn't expect it would show him that he couldn't control me.
How ironic - I've just realised as I wrote that sentence that that is exactly what he has done......
Thanks again.

[Rollercoasterider]

Sorry - but I'm struggling with H still living at home and off seeing OW more than ever. I know it's cycling and I know that he will leave - he has said he will when he can afford it but I want him out now.
RCR has written a lot about CBs but it usually refers to CBs that keep coming back home rather than those that are still living at home. My H works from home too and then thinks it's ok to disappear off each night although he doesn't stay overnight and weekends to see her. How can I set him a boundary other than "please leave!"
Help!

What do you have against using that one?

The problem with that one is that it implies a request or question--and a request can be denied. Some things need to be non-negotiable--demanded or required.
The challenge is regarding what sort of power you have to apply your demands--legal as well as emotional power over him. You may have no legal power to kick him out of the home and prevent continuing access, so find out because sometimes it may be required that you take legal action to be given that power.
But how about emotional power. It sounds like right now he has it over you and you need to take back that power. I was able to kick Chuck out even though I had no such legal power. Chuck gave me that power; he saw the house as my space--and our space too. But for some reason he had respect for my space. Some Clinging Boomerangs will be that way and some may become that way later in the crisis. I think a lot of it has to do with how empowered you are. Because it's not about having power over anyone, but being consistent within your own power. You command power and respect and that is different than demanding which is something to avoid when you can, but in this situation it needs to be demand because it is non-negotiable and he's resistant.

So your challenge is building up your own power to pull that off. Part of that is not arguing about it--since it's non-negotiable there is nothing to argue (from your perspective. That means that you do not need to explain or defend beyond a simple statement which you repeat like a broken record--it may be something you have already been saying. If you change the statement or expand you risk weakening it--in part because an explanation can feel like you are allowing a negotiation.

[Songanddance]

So your challenge is building up your own power to pull that off. Part of that is not arguing about it--since it's non-negotiable there is nothing to argue (from your perspective. That means that you do not need to explain or defend beyond a simple statement which you repeat like a broken record--it may be something you have already been saying. If you change the statement or expand you risk weakening it--in part because an explanation can feel like you are allowing a negotiation.

Thanks RCR,for getting back to me so quickly. H works from home too. I pay the mortgage and most of the bills - he pays for the luxuries and in UK law we are joint tenants in common so technically I cannot throw him out although I can afford to live here without him.
However I have repeatedly said to him in our three talks since BD in March that I find his behaviour disrespectful and hurtful and that if she means that much to him he ought to leave. He did acknowledge before the weekend that he would leave "when he could afford it". He also acknowledged that what he was doing to me was hurtful and I didn't deserve to be treated this way. So perhaps that is my power and that's what I need to use?

[1994]

How can I set him a boundary other than "please leave!"

What do you have against using that one?  He is deep in replay and if you already feel he is going to leave anyway, do what is best for you.  It will not hinder stop his crisis to save yourself the anguish of having this in your face.

I'm not as qualified as some of you.. just a nut who's been through counseling and books.

What I don't like about it is that it's forcing him out --- game playing when you deeply don't want him to go.

This may be too "pushy" ...

I'll try a quick one...

"You know deeply how much I love and protect my family... I'm in favor of everything that restores our family....If you choose to continue with OW, it may not be a solid building block for our family"

(guessing there's a better way to put it -- that was speed typing)