[Ready2Transform]

My W just filed for Divorce.  We are in house with 2 kids.
What are some examples of healthy needed boundaries for me at this time?

I don't have kids, so I can't answer from experience on that front.  For in-house, I would try to stay separate as much as possible.  Be kind to yourself - being served with papers takes awhile to emotionally process.  Been there, and I was tough for the most part, but it still hurts to see it in black and white.  If you have hobbies you can focus attention on, just anything to keep MLC from being front and center in your life, that would be good.  If you plan on keeping the family home, by all means, stay put.  If you're going to have to move, packing things up or finding another place sooner may be easier on you than doing it later.  An in-house MLCer is bad enough without Ds being filed.

i need help how do i stop myself from texting h i feel so angry at him and ow?  i have been so good nc for the ten days he was away i am going away soon and worried about fil because wont be able to visit everyone says its not my problem but you dont just stop caring but H doesnt seem to care about his dad or anyone apart from himself and ow at moment and it gets me so angry

He won't care about anyone else but himself while he is in crisis.  Accept this, and drop the expectation for him to care.  If you can see or inquire about your FIL on your own, I'm sure that is fine.  Several people on the forum maintain good relationships with their in-laws, so hopefully you are one, too.  Don't worry about whether he cares or not - if he misses time with his FIL, that will be his guilt to carry, not yours.

i have just text him to tell him he forgot his golf clubs i am sick of asking him to leave i cant get him out as i have been informed i cant change the locks i dont let him come home i would rather he didnt but what do i do he wont go says he cant afford to rubbish,,, doesnt want ot more like  x

Don't text him!  I believe Stayed's rubber band trick (put it around your wrist and pop it when you get the urge to text him to remind yourself not to!) is a good one.  Are the golf clubs really in your way?  Can they just go in a corner of the garage or something, or in a closet for now?  Most MLCers do leave a lot of their belongings behind.  They are escaping, and it doesn't make sense to them to completely detach.  It is a big pain for the LBS, no doubt.  My xH's stuff is taking up an entire side of my garage, and I'm almost certain he will never pick it up now as he lives out of state for as long as this stuff is going to last.  But you are keeping the drama going for yourself if you nitpick over these little things for now. The main thing you needed out, the MLCer, is out - the stuff won't matter much as time progresses.

[i can and will cope]

Hi readytotransform

rubber band ssounds like a good thing yes will try that one.  i am going to put htem in garage dont like having reminders of him here he is starting to leave more stuff at home now after shave toothbrushes etc beofre he didnt do this he took atuff becuase i packed it .

you right about fil and i do keep in touch my mil died a year ago and all those memories are coming back just dont want to go through that again my fil keeos telling me how much he loves me for things i do for him he still ny sons grandad

i have him at home and have got decree nisi but he not pushed for absolute am still waiting for him to sort finances out at first he told me i had to sell house then he was gonna buy it throw me and son on street and move ow in denied saying that now he wnats me to have house but not doing anything to move it on sorry for rnat again lol i get on a roll xxthank you for your advice rubber band tomorrow 

[Ready2Transform]

Ugh, the back and forth and the threats like that are so scary.  Already having some legal stuff in place, you know your rights and that he isn't going to be the one in total control.  They sure throw us for a loop though! It's beautiful that you and your FIL are still close, and most definitely that will be to your son's benefit.  {{{hugs}}}  It gets better!

[holdinon2hope]

Ok..this is all new to me. I have asked or talked about the H in other threads I'm just wondering hiw do ik where H is at in this while process?  Things have nit been "bad" till about Dec 2012 then in Feb 2013 H said he was looking for a place.  We fought A LOT!  I would say mean stuff like I don't care leave if u dont like It..ect.. I guess I said F-off alot and FU a lot..I had left a yr previous to this because i wasnt happy in the marriage and I believe that also had to do with my dad passing away the yr before.  I guess I'm confused now.  He had said he was tired of takin care of others n it was time for him n he slept a lot, we fought alot, n he was seeing the now OW n i didn't know.  He drinks everyday now even before je goes ti work at the prison.  He sees our S11 a cpl days a week so i just dont know if maybe he really just wasnt happy or if he is in a stage of this MLC?  The OW drinks daily also as they are now buying a house n living together...I'm just at a loss maybe I really did ruin it in the beginning as i was bein just as mean towards him as he was me n that it really is over?  This is all just so new I had never even heard of this before I started tryin to find out what may be wrong with him.  Any thing would help at this point.. do I still talk to him or do I back away n let him live his life?  I don't want a D but I dont want him to not come back either...

[Ready2Transform]

There are lots of links about the stages through the articles on the main site here: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html

It sounds like he is in Replay, and since this is still very new he will probably be there for quite some time.  Relax - we all say the 'wrong' things at first.  I don't think they are actually wrong, because we absolutely have the right to express ourselves in our relationships, MLC or not.  I called my xH every name in the book.  He doesn't even remember most of that (he actually told me that!). 

It is very normal to spend the early stages as an LBS looking for "proof" this is MLC and that you're not wasting your time.  With time, if it is MLC, trust me, you will see it.  If it's not, the time will help you heal and move on.  MLC or not, it's still best to just focus on you.  This equates to backing away and letting him live his life, but still communicating when he initiates.  There is nothing wrong with kindness, but set healthy boundaries - the opposite of not being mean does not equate to being a doormat. 

[i can and will cope]

i have a question

is my h in replay or am i just thinking the wrong things ?

having a bad day today h responed to solicitor letter after 10 weeks but wont give what i wanted in my counter offer to his do thye leave you homeless and penniless and have no conscience ?  but leave ow everything you have worked for i feeel so angry tonight that i might havbe to lose my home

please advise ,  is it only early days still bd jan 2012 he has been monster then nice then monster just last week he apologised for putting me through what i am going through bt then this pops up now i rang and text him wish i hadnt now 

[calamity]

Answered on your thread. 

[Anjae]

LBS2013 I'm going to open you a thread of your own (or try too...)

Here it is: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3747.0 - LBS2013 Story (we can change the title if you like).

Good people of the board and mentors, please be so kind to take a look at LBS2013 thread and give her a help. Thanks.

[Songanddance]

Hello mentors all.
Do you have any wisdom about why and when in the process an H might start looking back at childhood/foo issues.
My h has started to approach the death of his father for which he never fully grieved 40 yrs ago and that of his mum earlier this year after 10 yrs of Alzheimer's. He was an ostrich throughout her illness and I saw her more than he did. He has refused to talk about dad over the years we've been together partly because he watched him die and felt guilty that he couldn't save him,same for his mum too.
H has just visited grave for first time since she died and is very keen to restore some old sound recordings of his dad.
I'm intrigued. Is this common and does it suggest a tentative hanging around the tunnel entrance or just a respite from replay?

Edit: answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3720.msg225897#msg225897

[27 years]

Need advice/support/ something posted on my thread    Thanks.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3605.msg226889#msg226889