[OldPilot]

Hi,
Could someone point me in the direction of high energy/low energy replayers threads and/or articles please?
Than you very much x

This thread has a link to all the different contact types in it on post #1

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0

[BB64]

Thank you Old Pilot. Much appreciated. I hope you are well.

I googled for articles and found this also. Might be of use to somebody else :
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_covert-depression.html

[panda]

NEW QUESTION:

Hello all - could you provide some clarification on Replay - specifically whether an MLCer can be in Replay for a year before BD?

background - Nov/Dec 2011 -'I don't want to do this family stuff anymore / We would not be together if we did not have children / I need to have other interests in my life etc' - these were made subtly  but then from Jan 2012 starts going out with 'new' friends to play pool, goes and buys very expensive car no matter what I think (and his comment was, 'I think its my time to have the car I want'), goes out partying and drinking heavily/ secretive with phone, goes away with the same 'friends' that I never got to meet or see any evidence of.  Disappears 'shopping' some Sat/Sun.   Up and downs alot, arguments galore.  I suspect OW around summer 2012 but unable to prove it/denial.  I now have suspicions whether the pool friends ever existed and it was OW all along but who knows...I do not have the energy!

BombDrop - ILYBNILWY - he makes total break from me  Feb 13 -  BAD monster and total personality change for 3 months until May 13 and the heavy drinking stops, socialising and spending stops.  OW continues.  H now showing some sort of respect in his manner with me and behaving alot better than previous (despite OW).....But he is still here at home.

Would appreciate comments please to help me work this out.....

[Ready2Transform]

They can, but there is also a "lead in" time that can be 18-36 months even while they are still in limbo.  I believe my xH's started in at least 2010, but I didn't get BD until 2011.  It really doesn't help with the timeline or mean that they will go through faster - but many of us can recognize things happening long before they were officially known. 

[justasking]

Hi Panda

Yes your H could and probably was in replay before BD. As you look back the MLCer starts spending, losing weight and changing his clothes quietly and under the radar. Although we notice it is so subtle we dismiss it.

Prior to BD they will have gone through denial and anger before moving into replay. As it becomes replay proper then you get OW and BD but often the OW was around for months before we know as well. I know my H OW was with him from Jan and he dropped the bomb in Aug. Some LBS's report even longer affairs. At this time they are not sure what they want and most OW's start out as EA before becoming a PA. So replay is building all the time.

At the time we often don't see these behaviours but on reflection they are plain to see.

[panda]

Thankyou R2T and justasking - thanks for the clarification - so if I could ask one more question - were the comments made to me in Nov/Dec 2011 a BD aswell - did I miss it!!! ?

[justasking]

IMO and others may feel differently the speech you got in Dec 2011 is likely to be your first BD although more subtle than your second BD in Feb. 2013.

Certainly it appears he was in replay big time during most of 2012.

[kikki]

Panda - I have often wondered about my timeline as well, for the same reasons.

But I think the confusion comes because of how verbal our spouses are, or not.  Some are a complete closed book until BD, and some, like our H's gave many clues as to the mess in their heads.
In the couple of years before BD, I definitely felt my H distancing himself emotionally - he said a few strange things such as 'if you died I probably wouldn't miss you', he travelled as much as he could for work to escape family life, he stopped doing things with the boys in the last 6 months, he was irritable and argumentative.  There was no reasoning with him.

Sept 2009 he robotically said that he no longer missed the boys and I when he travelled for work.  He was emotionally completely 'gone' at that point.

But from what I understand, BD is when they see no other way but to escape the relationship. 
BD for me was Feb 2010 when he announced that we had a bad marriage and that he was leaving.
OW was definitely on the scene at this point - he was obsessed with her, but he didn't move out until June 2010. 

So for you too - I think BD would be when he makes the decision to make a total break from you in Feb '13.  Despite the trail of clues he gave you prior to that. 

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Panda, there can be many BD's.  My first BD was December 2008 - my H told me that he wasn't happy but wanted to work on our marriage, second one was October 2009 - my H told me that he still wasn't happy and mentioned a D, we went to marriage counseling, third and final one was March 2010 - OW in the picture.

I think every LBS can trace the beginning of their spouse's MLC to well before what they considered "THE" BD.  It's hard to pinpoint the exact time someone goes into MLC, but you can get pretty close.

[kikki]

Panda - you'll be wanting to clarify so that you know when to start officially recognising replay - is that right?

I would take it as being from Feb '13 personally.