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Discussion Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#60: June 27, 2013, 05:01:30 PM
I've just posted asking for help on my thread, would appreciate some feedback. H still in replay, now in a relationship with his (former) lifecoach. x
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#61: June 27, 2013, 05:16:48 PM
Quote from: being a lighthouse on June 27, 2013, 05:01:30 PM
I've just posted asking for help on my thread, would appreciate some feedback. H still in replay, now in a relationship with his (former) lifecoach. x

Replied on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3352.new#new

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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#62: June 28, 2013, 06:20:15 AM
Thank you all - the thing is, now I am looking back in time, I cannot think that last year was anything other than REPLAY and the subtle messages I got end of 2011 were a BD...This then led him to go out and make all these purchases, drink, camping etc...THEN, when he realised that wasn't working, he got into an EA, then PA with OW and that led to Feb 13 BD....so whereas before he thought he could be 'happy' by buying stuff and going out, now he definately does think its me who is the problem.... That would explain why he no longer goes out, spends money and has stopped the frantic behaviour..... So now I really don't know what to take as the start of it all!!!!!  I don't think it helps me much analysing it anyway  ???



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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#63: June 28, 2013, 06:55:09 AM
Panda

Don't over analyse it will drive you mad. Your H is currently in replay and has a way to go even though he seems less 'frantic' at the moment. He is likeylt o get worse again before better though hopefully the monster you saw will have disappeared, though anger will still raise it's head oocasionally.

Hugs x
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#64: June 28, 2013, 07:24:15 AM
Yes, he is still in replay and you are right, it doesn't do any good to analyze it.  It really is pointless to try to figure out time frames I have found.  They do cycle so much and every MLCer is different.  They get through it when they get through.  My H started out before and after BD with the crazy, frantic behavior.  Then it died down a lot but I have seen it wax and wane throughout with cycling.  It isn't frantic anymore, but some of the replay behavior would get better and I would think he was done with it and then somehow it would creep back in again. 
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#65: June 28, 2013, 10:39:54 AM
Thank you all.  It helps with the clarification of what I experienced last year, however he is totally in the 'fog' now........xx
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#66: June 28, 2013, 11:39:12 AM
Being the lighthouse and paving the way...

Could anyone shed some light on this, please? Maybe with articles, threads or even their own versions...When is the time to pave the way, how, how long for etc...What does being the lighthouse really mean?
Only I thought I had sussed until I read a few posts that found me confused...

Thank you  :)
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#67: June 28, 2013, 01:45:58 PM
    Quote from: booboo64 on June 28, 2013, 11:39:12 AM
    Being the lighthouse and paving the way...

    Could anyone shed some light on this, please? Maybe with articles, threads or even their own versions...When is the time to pave the way, how, how long for etc...What does being the lighthouse really mean?
    Only I thought I had sussed until I read a few posts that found me confused...

    Thank you  :)

    This really isn't the "offical" answer...

    I have been through a ton of IC on the topic with some of heavy hitters.

    baiscally

    forgive

    get your stuff together

    fix in you what's needed

    don't let your buttons get pushed... or push their buttons

    be the best spouse option

    remove barriers to returning home

    be supportive without being pushy[/list]
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    « Last Edit: June 28, 2013, 01:47:10 PM by 1994 »
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    with hate and no forgiveness, there's no hope or chance

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    Re: Ask a Mentor 4
    #68: June 28, 2013, 02:39:52 PM
    Quote from: booboo64 on June 28, 2013, 11:39:12 AM
    Being the lighthouse and paving the way...

    Could anyone shed some light on this, please? Maybe with articles, threads or even their own versions...When is the time to pave the way, how, how long for etc...What does being the lighthouse really mean?
    Only I thought I had sussed until I read a few posts that found me confused...
    Thank you  :)
    I recommend you read RCR's articles on Contact and communication and also her blogs.
    Personally,I see Paving the way as LBS providing reassurance and sense of " normality" but also a sense of moving forward and using dim and dark to help the emotional boundaries in the early days of MLC(although not quite sure how long early days lasts for). Hence I have not chucked H out yet although there is OW and when he does go he knows what he is missing. It is a fine line to tread. I see the lighthouse as the happy, secure , emotionally stable one with the ability to provide reassurance and also shine the light for MLC to walk to when they come out of the tunnel.  That is my own personal understanding and interpretation. Others will probably think differently. Can't do better than RCR 's stuff though.
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    Re: Ask a Mentor 4
    #69: June 28, 2013, 02:58:53 PM
    The lighthouse story.
    http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7.0

    Scroll down to post #5
    Not sure who originally wrote it?   
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