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Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 4

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Discussion Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#150: July 08, 2013, 03:31:15 PM
I agree with trusting, and went through the same thing early on, too.  Know that pointing out to him that he's being rude won't necessarily garner you the result of having him change his behavior - on the contrary, he may start being even ruder, as he will just think you are judging him or telling him what to do. 

Treat it with the weight you would if any other person - one of your kids, a co-worker, or family member - did the same thing.  Since he's still coming around often, you might save the important things for in-person contact, so you can more than likely get an immediate response. 
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#151: July 08, 2013, 08:24:23 PM
thank you all for the great advice.
I sent her a text explaining what I am doing and why I am doing it.
her reply is pretty script but it still feels yucky. I was much more comfortable in that place I was in before this boundary. I know it was the right thing to do but it doesn't feel so good.

her reply...
"Ok I understand the not texting or calling when I'm w <OW2 name> but I'm in <City out of state> by myself why can I not text or call or Skype <D4>
I will be home Friday night. .This is my weekend and will pick her up at the appropriate time and take her to school on Monday
And you're intention to hurt me by using <D4> is working so good job on that "


I wanted so badly to explain myself some more. I hate being misunderstood. but I held my ground and replied with..

"Okay. See you Saturday at 11am."
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D 4
M 13 years (If the last 2 count it's 15)
BD 03 Feb 2012
Moved out 17 Feb 2012
Marriage not legal in our state so W just declared us divorced. Despite this declaration we still own the house together and have never separated our belongings.
Definitely High Energy Vanisher but she stays connected because of D4.
OW1 pre-BD through Nov 2012
OW2 Dec 2012 through present (she's someone she was with before me)
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#152: July 08, 2013, 08:35:48 PM
Quote from: ShineOn on July 08, 2013, 08:24:23 PM
I wanted so badly to explain myself some more. I hate being misunderstood. but I held my ground and replied with..

"Okay. See you Saturday at 11am."

Well done, ShineOn.  :)
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#153: July 08, 2013, 08:52:08 PM
Quote from: ShineOn on July 08, 2013, 08:24:23 PM




"Saturday at 11am."

Would have been enough
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#154: July 08, 2013, 11:39:06 PM
Hi all - could someone please help me on my thread - have a difficult conversation to have and don't know how to handle it.....  thank you.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3599.110

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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#155: July 09, 2013, 01:22:32 AM
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#156: July 09, 2013, 06:41:59 AM
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Detachment is a state of mind!!!

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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#157: July 09, 2013, 02:28:48 PM
My W just filed for Divorce.  We are in house with 2 kids.
What are some examples of healthy needed boundaries for me at this time?
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#158: July 09, 2013, 03:16:23 PM
i need help how do i stop myself from texting h i feel so angry at him and ow?  i have been so good nc for the ten days he was away i am going away soon and worried about fil because wont be able to visit everyone says its not my problem but you dont just stop caring but H doesnt seem to care about his dad or anyone apart from himself and ow at moment and it gets me so angry

please help  :'(

i have just text him to tell him he forgot his golf clubs i am sick of asking him to leave i cant get him out as i have been informed i cant change the locks i dont let him come home i would rather he didnt but what do i do he wont go says he cant afford to rubbish,,, doesnt want ot more like  x
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Re: Ask a Mentor 4
#159: July 09, 2013, 04:06:12 PM
Dear HDIC  I can't offer advice but will make an observation based on my own experience. Anger is good to have but not to act upon. If you have been NC then your text maybe should be calm and rational? I get angry quite a bit but have discovered that if I step back and think of what somebody who I admire would say then I find that I am able to write more effectively.
Sending the text is up to you and I think that you are so right when you say that you can't stop caring.
This is when the wisdom of more experienced LBSers is so important.
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OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.
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