[living with Hope]

Why the need for secrecy?
My spouse has hidden his home for the last 19 months from his children. He begrudgingly gave the address to me when I asked but only because I pushed the point. He has never taken his children for more than a few hours at a time.   He has hidden his life from us.  There have been woman since before he left and now there is one woman.  This has all been hidden.  I am not sure if this woman is open to his friends or not. I know the others have not.  He hides me from her (well my texts) at least.

I don't understand the secrecy. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[Ready2Transform]

From a psychological perspective, I think this is part of the compartmentalizing between the two lives.  I think there is guilt and shame and an underlying knowing that his actions are wrong that he and his "shadow self" want to keep hidden.  Of course, this doesn't work in the real world, which is why it becomes more and more evident how ridiculous it is, which makes him run that much harder from the truth of what he's done.  If he legitimizes it by making it public, it will make it more permanent.  Somewhere in there, I believe they know that this is not going to last.

[Anjae]

Maybe one of the reasons is that they don't want (can't bare the idea of) us knocking on their door.

It may be shame but some don't have children and are divorced from the LBS so it all seems too silly. Mr J never put his real current address with OW2 on his divorce court case. He pretends that his official address is in a county where he does not live or has ever lived at.

Came on, would be really want our spouse to come by the place where we lead our fake life? We may discover it is all a fantasy, they are not happy and the rest of the lot and that would force them to face something they are not ready to face.

It could also be that it is one more way for them to try to make us get angry at them and make question, hence give them attention and provoke interaction and/or monster.

[trusting]

From a psychological perspective, I think this is part of the compartmentalizing between the two lives.  I think there is guilt and shame and an underlying knowing that his actions are wrong that he and his "shadow self" want to keep hidden.  Of course, this doesn't work in the real world, which is why it becomes more and more evident how ridiculous it is, which makes him run that much harder from the truth of what he's done.  If he legitimizes it by making it public, it will make it more permanent.  Somewhere in there, I believe they know that this is not going to last.

I agree with this. I also think it may partly be a control thing.  MLCers have this need to be in control (ironic since they have spun their lives completely out of control) of every aspect of their lives and not answer to anyone.  I see that in my H's case.  He still lives at home, has never moved out, and he does his best to keep as much of his life a "secret" from me.  I am not even talking about anything having to do with a potential OW (and indeed that has been very well hidden), but everything. He doesn't tell me much about work, about communication with his family, about any of his plans.  It is all Top Secret Information.  What was that line from Seinfeld years ago? It's all "in the vault?"

[1994]

Why the need for secrecy?
My spouse has hidden his home for the last 19 months from his children. He begrudgingly gave the address to me when I asked but only because I pushed the point. He has never taken his children for more than a few hours at a time.   He has hidden his life from us.  There have been woman since before he left and now there is one woman.  This has all been hidden.  I am not sure if this woman is open to his friends or not. I know the others have not.  He hides me from her (well my texts) at least.

I don't understand the secrecy. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

7 months in I'm clueless where the mrs lives... We do family stuff every week ... Confuses me

[holdinon2hope]

New question...

Ok, so most of the stories im reading the men are still home...my H left 3mths ago so how do i keep in contact with him as Ow won't allow him to talk to me much?  H does call n comes to see me when she goes to work though he is usually drunk, as he drinks daily now and he is very sad crying and talking of wanting to run away and suicide...how do i help him and get him to see that I am also becoming a better person/wife that I used to be?  This whole thing has me mind boggled and I have read RCR's blog post things and its still just as confusing as I don't know where he is at in the stages.  Please any advice is appreciated.

[trusting]

Ok, so most of the stories im reading the men are still home...

First of all, most of the men actually are not still home.  There are a few that are but almost all leave home at some point, even if it isn't a quick exit. 

It sounds like you actually have a significant amount of contact with your husband.  Keep letting him control the contact.

how do i help him and get him to see that I am also becoming a better person/wife that I used to be?

While he is in crisis, there is really nothing you can do to "help" him.  They have to go through it, and MLCers need to go through it on their own. Keep an eye out and intervene if you really do think he is serious about suicide, though. As far as your changes, the best way to show someone is to just be consistent.  He may test you to see if the changes are real, but honestly that may not happen until later in the crisis when his head clears a bit.

[holdinon2hope]

Trusting..yea I do have some contact with him I sometimes tell him if u wanna call later you can n he does for the better part, however he thinks when I say that it somehow involves sex. Lol. Not all the time though, simetimes its just to say I was thinking about u and hope ur doin good n other times yea its for sex... Idk if any women have ever been to the house where the H and Ow live but I have..my H has always been a bit of a risk taker and with him drinking so much that's usually the time he starts talking crazy.  Idk how he is sober anymore the only time I see H is when he has been drinking. S17 says he drinks all the time everyday though, even before work.  I let him know I'm here for him and im not giving up on us or leaving...though it dies cross my mund quit often simply cause he says hes never ciming home and he is buying this house with Ow.  So I guess my H would be a boomerang? They are very hard to read during this..

[OldPilot]

New thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0