[ShineOn]

Yes, I think the whole point is that her happiness isn't dependent on his decision. She's working on herself and when that point comes she'll be okay either way. I think that's why we always say time is our friend. I'm doing my healing in my own time and hopefully I'll still be open to the possibility when my wife pulls her head out.

[CrazyTrain]

The article was excellent.  I need to print it and show it to my D24 who thinks by standing, I am "waiting" for my H to get his head out.  Big difference between the two.  Thanks for sharing that with all of us!  Excellent article.

Blessings to all ~
CT

[justbelieve]

Awesome link! Thanks for sharing

[forthetrees]

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=1&_r=0&hp

This is a great two page summary of what happens to the LBS. Unfortunately, it points out that the MLC liar gets a fairly easy pass.

[in it]

Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.

This was the ending line of the article. And it is how I feel.

Being betrayed on just about every possible level in my perception cuts cleanly..but definitely not with the maturity level that I would have liked. Speed of light is a factor also.

A more mature way of handling the divorce etc.. may have led to an easier way to possibly solve the problems and reconcile. But oh well again NOT my choice.

So I'm left with more trust issues than I had before if that's even possible..just more work to do on myself. I can't change him or them.

[LearningIamOk]

Interesting article, FTT. It's said on here a lot that it's better to be the LBS than the MLCer, but this article seems to refute that.

No, we don't get to make the choices about what's happening to us. But a lot of life is like that. We do get a harder row to hoe, but it can still be done. We can make the new beginnings also and embrace them. And most observers love a train wreck, so they can speculate all they want on my IQ and knowledge of what was going on. They don't live my life and I don't have to entertain their conclusions.

Life, the Universe, whatever, comes up with some diabolical deeds that we are left holding the bag on and need to choose how to respond. All our life experiences mold our future handling of these things. I for one am working diligently on myself so I don't repeat past mistakes that have led to this point in my life. I am not taking the blame for my H leaving, I am however taking the blame for not responding in a more controlled and thoughtful fashion. Future events will no longer leave me a puddle on the floor. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I am now an experienced pro at dealing with the unthinkable.

I do agree with the psychiatrist that we have a lot of work ahead of us to weave the fabric of our lives back together so it makes sense. We are so devastated initially, it seems like it makes more sense for the apple to fall up rather than down. But upon reflection, we get our "A-Ha" moments and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

The key here, for me anyway, is to have the savvy not to continue in the same patterns of action. To have enough sense to say upfront and clearly what I am feeling, seeing, experiencing in order to take proper corrective action for ME. If it affects me, it's up to me to decide how to proceed. I need to consider other people's responses as less important. I always put everyone else ahead of me and I have learned that it doesn't help me and often exacerbates the situation.

I do think the article sheds light on how difficult this is for the betrayed. Maybe it's time for a grass roots movement to lend support to those whose lives are in total upheaval and reconstruction phases.

[xyzcf]

"How could this have possibly happened to us?"

That is what went through my mind over and over and over again for years. I could not make sense, our life which seemed so secure had been totally shattered by the person who I would never have expected could do so.

And it shuts us down, if we allow it...it is like going into a cave and having a heavy stone rolled across the opening, it can prevent us from experiencing a sense of trust and safety ever again.

Very good article, thanks for sharing.

[Anjae]

"Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices."

True

"And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion."

"But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness."

Kind of true. More true is the fact that often the cheater (MLCer or not) does get a free pass, suffers minor financial upheaval and can, indeed, start a new life even after all their mistakes.

We're told we rather be the LBS than the MLCer because it is not very pleasant to go through a MLC. But once the crisis is over the MLCer may be better off than the LBS.

In fact, even during the MLC, many MLCers lead a much more secure and affluent financial life than the LBS. It is the LBS that often has to live with scarcity. And if divorce comes (and was not in place right from the star) the LBS may had lived years of hardships to end up with nothing.

In a way most MLCers always end up better than the LBS. They will either return, and be accept by the LBS, or they will had lived years of madness of their choice, and will end up with enough money and assets, plus a divorce, to start afresh. The LBS is left with crumbs.

In fact many LBS have to live with crumbs during the many years an MLCer yakes in their crisis. If you ask me I'm not really capable of seeing the point of such thing. For the sake of a possible better marriage that may never happen?

Given my experience I think everyone here knows that I advice to divorce or legally protect the finances right from the start. I had no idea what I was dealing with and saw my lifestyle drop since Mr J left.

That sort of imbalance is certainly no way to reconcile a marriage, let alone to make it be a good one in the future. Exactly what would we be telling the MLCer? It is fine, you can go and live many years leading the highlife while you assume no responsibilities and if/when you're done, me/LBS, who has been living with crumbs and trying to lead a dignified life, will take you back.

They are in crisis, we know that. But does that mean they get a free pass? I'm certain many of you will say they do not get a free pass. For me they do. Or at least many of them do. There are barely any consequences for their actions.

 

[honour]

They are in crisis, we know that.

I'm certain many of you will say they do not get a free pass. For me they do. Or at least many of them do. There are barely any consequences for their actions.

So where is the crisis then?

[Anjae]

The existence of a crisis does not mean that those who are having it suffer consequences, or are the ones who suffer the harder consequences of said crisis.

Think what happend with the banks (not sure if it the same consequences, or lack of, were the same in the US as in Europe - the issues come from US subprime crisis and cross the pond). Bankers, at least over here, are not the ones who are hit by their own actions, regular people are.

The financial, and now economical crisis is very real, but I don't think bankers and financiers are being very affected by it.