[2.roads]

Today I was driving in the car and I had one of those moments where I knew very clearly just how I would express myself if I were given an opportunity to openly and honestly share my feelings with my MLCer.

What's funny is that periodically along our journey, we find that what we would say changes...evolves. In the beginning it may be more of an EMOTIONALLY expression of what their crisis has done to us...then we find we may have more words of anger....or disgust...or regret or sorrow. Sometimes we would be very clinical and logical....other times not so much.

So I have found it VERY therapeutic/cathartic to either write that imaginary conversation in a letter or (if I'm alone) just say it out loud as if he were standing right there. Sometimes I feel quite light and liberated after I pour my heart out to my invisible and run-away husband. Other times I can better see where I'm struggling with something...or where saying it out loud didn't make me feel any better, and certainly not like the bigger person.

So I thought it might be cathartic for us all to leave our letters/convo's to our spouse right here....letting it out as if we were getting the chance to say it in person.

It can be a long diatribe...or a brief note about how their presence was missed today.

I'm going to add mine shortly, but I'm on my way out again for a bit, so I'll post a bit later.

(This is not with the intention of asking you LBS's to share your most private feelings on a public forum....there are some things we would say to our spouse that we wouldn't say to anyone else and that's just as it should be. But there are lots if things we would say that we have no reason to hide and you can do that here.)

So....HMMMM.....Dear Turnip,......

[UKStander]

Hi 2 Roads,

I have had these moments of clarity!  The nicest ones are when I totally get just how unlikely it is that he will ride off into the sunset surrounded by roses (because I often am silly enough to hold that image in my imagination). And I get how likely it is, really, all things considered, that he will one day discover the real source of his pain (it ain't me - I truly know that) and smack himself on the side of his head with his hand and go - what the *** am I doing...   Watch Shrek iV, and you'll get the idea. SO,

I would hire an aircraft to do one of those written-in-the-sky messsages, and it would fly over his apartment and it would simply say, "YOU GREAT TIT!!!'

That's a very mild insult in UK terms, so the point is made through the banality, in a way.  'You great Lummox!' might also do...

UK S

[BB64]

Mine would have to be short and sweet, because quite honestly, those MLC'er have the attention span of a fish on amphetamines!

Written at the back of following postcard:
Dear Pillock,

Saw this and thought of you.
Love, your LBS.

[crazyjourney]

Dear H

What on earth possesed you to rip our family apart.

We had the perfect family and you have totally disregarded it for your own selfish needs, we no longer know you as the person you were, you have become so strange,

You appear to live nowhere in particular although supposed to live with ow, you also live with youngest son.

You run up and down the country like your life depended on it, seem to change your mind several times a day, nobody knows where you are going to be one day to the next, never mind yourself.

Your mam thinks you will give yourself a heart attack, your eldest son thinks you are mad, youngest thinks your cool and your dad just scratches his head in dismay.

I feel sorry for you one minute then angry the next and my love for you has got lost in the turmoil.

I liked being with you, never imagined anything else and if it wasnt for the fact that I dont think I could trust anyone let alone you I might have found someone else by now.

Two and a half years is a long time, I am fed up and you are running out of time, I ask myself regurlarly if I want to divorce you so I can go on my merry way and I dont know what is stopping me, lack of courage I think.

You were the love and light of my life, you have sabotaged the whole lot and for what, some kind of cheap thrill perhaps.

So so sad.

Gosh how much can we write I could fill a book lol.

[primwluv]

Dear H,

   It has been a few months since you left my life…seems like a lifetime. I never expected any of this, I know you thought I was feeling the same way and you were shocked when you told me you were not in love with me anymore and thought I felt the same way. Never…I could never fall out of love with you. That, there, is a huge problem because I can’t imagine what I have ahead of me. How do I go on with life without you? It just seems so pointless and life sounds so unhappy. I always thought we would be together of anybody out there. I mean just think of what we had to go through to be together in the first place! 20 years is an accomplishment. 2 kids are an accomplishment…

   I am so ashamed of my parents and how they treated you. And the worst part? I let them do that to you and I am ashamed of myself. Why in the world did I not tell them to go to hell all those years ago? I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t grown up enough and didn’t realize what it was doing to you. But I want you to know, they will not have a hold on me anymore…whether you are in my life or not. I know you think there will always be a connection but there will not..I will be polite and say hi and happy birthday or merry Christmas but I am done with them…I need happiness of any kind in my life and well, I am learned they only frustrate me and parents or not, I don’t need that. I know you don’t believe me and I can’t convince you with words and I think it is too late to show you with actions.

   Loneliness is a horrible thing. I woke up one morning and realized just how lonely I am…I literally got on my phone and on facebook and searched for someone I could talk to…Someone I could confide in…there was no one..All those “true” friends I had have nothing more to say than “why do you want him back? Move on with your life and find someone else” I understand they just care about me and I even sat back and analized what they said…why do I want you back? Why can’t I just move on and forget about you? I have asked myself those questions in so many ways and sat alone in the dark so many hours thinking…I just keep coming back to the same thought, the same feeling…I love you…not just a little love or because I feel like I can’t make it in life without you, (i.e I can’t make enough money or you help me make decisions etc) I know I can make it..i am terrified of it but I know I would be ok in everyday life but I know deep in my heart, in my soul, that you are my soulmate…I believe with everything I have that we belong together.

   So, what do I do? Good question. I don’t know at all…I sit and wait and hope and dream. You say you love me more than I will ever know…and you think about how wonderful it would be if you came back….yet you can’t heal from this…I wish I had some sort of words of wisdom but I have to tell you in my heart when I think about you coming back I am not scared at all, no fear, I just know we will be ok and in fact, better than ok…I think we would have the best marriage ever. I don’t know what is telling me this or why I feel this…But when I think of you coming back my soul is calm.

   I know you are dealing with hurting me from the affair…I get that..and I am going to be brutally truthful with you…I have laid in bed many nights thinking about you with that other woman. I know you don’t want to talk about this and either do I but I think you need to know how I really feel and maybe it might help you to heal a bit…I think about you and her and I will tell you it kills me, I have horrible mental pictures…I can’t even imagine someone else touching you…But it happened…it does me no good to sit and picture it and be sad about it. There is a reason for everything. I know that now…You were hurting…you were lost and still are, I think. Do you remember when you were home and we had already discussed divorce and you still wanted to have sex? You said you just wanted to feel good for a little bit and asked me if I felt the same way? I think men are different than women…Sex is sex with men…I see you doing that and having the emotional affair to make yourself feel better about the decision you made about me that you regreted. I could be totally wrong but I don’t’ think you really wanted to leave me…I think you were unhappy with most of what was in your life and this was the easy way out. You figured you should eliminate something and well, I guess I was it…partly my fault and take credit for it…I sucked as a wife for a couple years or so..i know I did…I didn’t clean, I didn’t support you in what you wanted to do, I didn’t want to move for years and years, I didn’t have sex with you enough, I had withdrawn a bit emotionally because I was just so upset that you kept buying toys and things to do that required you to be away from me and the kids and when I wanted something you always said we didn’t have money…It made me mad…I didn’t know why at the time I was pulling away but I was…and of course, I hated the way I looked and felt about myself…I wish I just would have fixed it and stopped complaining..i have lost weight and can even look at my body in the mirror naked now and I am proud of what I have accomplished…I feel better about my image. And since you know me better than anyone, you know how big that is.

   As for the affair, I know how sorry you are…I can see the anguish in your texts, I know how you beat yourself up. I know that these are words and I have told you over and over but I do forgive you…I have really searched inside myself and asked me if I really do forgive or just want to forget and move on since I want to be with you…no…I do forgive…I know you..the real you and you have to be lost and hurt to do something like that. I don’t know if my words help but I want you to know I am here to help you heal if you ever want it. I would love to show you how I feel and how much I want to help you.

   As for my actions in the past months, I am sorry for being so crazy.  The way I have felt is the past few months is nothing close to a mental breakdown. I don’t know how I have made it this far except to say I Thank God for the boys…if I didn’t have them and knew you were not coming back, I would not be here. It would have been an easy decision. When I would start texting you and you wouldn’t answer I thought you just wanted me to go away and rejection is a horrible feeling…to know in your gut that someone you love that much doesn’t want anything to do with you eats at you. I have searched and searched within myself to what is wrong with me…what did I do…and the worst is, “is there a solution to this?” Now that I am a bit stronger I have learned that there is no solution on my side…I can’t do a thing other than make sure you know my feelings and that I would take you back and you would be in a safe place with your family where you belong…but you have to want it bad enough…or at all. Healing does not take place overnight..it is a long process…And I am not sure you can do it alone..

   I feel like this whole thing is a bad movie…or good, depending on the ending..All I can think of is the notebook..lol…Those  two were meant to be together…always were and of course the parents got in the middle…but they ended up back together. I know, just a movie but just seems like one of those things that if you really do leave forever you are going to be 85 someday and sitting thinking about what you could have had…and compared to love of a lifetime this 6 months of wrongdoings is nothing.

   I am not sure if anything I ever say will hit your heart and make you truly think about what you should do…your boys and I need you terribly…and quite frankly, I think you need all three of us worse than we need you…

I know you think you are seeing your boys during this but you are missing the everyday, small things each night…the snuggles and the talks and just seeing their faces when they discover something…you are missing a ton and someday I think you will regret that a lot. Little things mean a lot I have learned.

   I am here…always will be…I have no desire to be with anyone else, ever. I am not just saying that, I mean it…I am sure at some point I will date but I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone ever again..I am proud that you are my one and only..I know there are not many others out there that can say that. No one knows me or my body like you…I am sure you will find someone to fulfill you and make you happy…I hope you do if you don’t come back to me. I will say, as I have before…

You will never find someone who loves you as much as I do…Ever…
I love you, now and forever….

[1994]

You hurt our family... I forgive you... Please get some help

I've read the statistics - our children and we are better in a healed and reconciled home

[justbelieve]

oh man I have HUNDREDS of letters! I have them all saved and a lot of them I've said out loud. I hope that maybe, one day, when all of this is over, I can share those letters with him.. it will be the ultimate healing moment. Of that i'm sure ....

[alwayshope]

My beautiful man ~where did you go?  I want you to look at me.  I want you to look into my eyes, and see inside my heart, that you broke into a million pieces.  I want you to look at your daughters.  I want you to see their pain and confusion, that will journey with them through their entire lives.  I want you to see the daily struggle that we have now endured for 6 months.  I want you to see it all, and I want you to weep.  To mourn, and to wail.  I want you to see all these things now, and allow them to turn your heart back to us.  How did you become so lost?  How did you allow yourself to make the decisions that you have made? 

I want you to take back those cruel words that you hurled at me, that sent me spiraling into the pit of despair.  The ones which caused me to want to take my life.  I want you to tell me that you are sorry.  I want to hear those words, and I want to see the pain of full understanding pour from your eyes. 

I committed to love you until the day I died.  No matter what.  But you have taken that from me.  I am only allowed to love you quietly, from a distance.  Because of that, my heart is forced to protect itself, and the memory of you is being walled in.

I want you to know that it isn't fair that you are suffering in darkness and you won't let me help you.  You have robbed me of my compassion and turned my sensitive heart and love for you into something unacceptable to you.  As if they are dirty, you throw them back into my face. 

I want you to feel the depth of confusion inside me as I have to dress for battle against the one sworn to protect me.  I have bared my very soul to you, and you have trampled on it.

But I want you to know this: because of my God, and the power of Christ Jesus living in me, I have picked my soul back up, shaken off the dust, and am whole again.  Battle scars are evident, and the memory of you will reverberate through me for all time.  But my God tells me that He will never leave me, nor forsake me.  That He has great plans for my life, and that I am a beautiful child of His.  He is walking with me, and I have chosen to walk with Him. 

You are lost.  You are running.  I pray for you every day.  I want you to know that.  You are looking for happiness, for love.  Only Christ can fill you.  You will keep running until you surrender to Him. 

I didn't do this to you.  I should have been better to you in many ways, but I am not the cause of this.  You are broken.  You always have been.  It got to be too much for you, the perfect storm came upon you, and you needed to blame me.  You are blinded.  I'm afraid you won't realize it until it is too late for us, and that makes me sad. 

I want you to know that I am happy, in the midst of my pain I have joy.  God is the source.  You won't have joy until you find Him. 

Love always to you, my beautiful man.

[justbelieve]

You guys are making me cry 
So much love... love unappreciated for now. I hope all of our MLCers find their way. I really do.  ♥

[2.roads]

Oh Wow....you guys are making me cry too!!

I am amazed at the capacity you all have for love, even though by this point that should not surprise me at all....I've been on HS long enough to know the quality of the people on here is second to none.

I HOPE and PRAY that someday you get the chance to share these thoughts with your MLCer and more importantly I hope they really HEAR what you are saying.

For a while now, I've been thinking of compiling a book of letters written by the children of divorce (people of any age ) and calling it "I Didn't Just Get Over It". An opportunity for them to share how their parents divorce impacted them. And then those letters should be required reading for anyone thinking about divorce or separating. 

Truly, there HAS to be something missing in our spouses hearts, for them to be able to hurt and reject people with the love that you all have.