[BB64]

Found this:
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/communication/should-my-mlcer-stay-or-go/

I hope it helps

[Songanddance]

BB64 - thanks. Read that article some time ago and earlier on mentor 4 thread I did raise this issue and RCR was really good to respond to it.
It's a question of who has the power and commanding respect for the need to leave.
My H says he will leave when he can afford it...he  has more money in his account than he had for years so that's BS...
My H convinced that I agreed at BD that we would live 2 separate lives as 2 individuals and that meant in his world he could have an affair. (if you read my second thread - you will find all the gory details of that conversation)
My H definitely cake eating but I am dark so the pursuit/distance dance is in full sway but I am not pursuing at all.
He knows he is wrong not to leave but won't....
He knows he needs to leave but is probably afraid to be on his own as I don't think OW has her own place yet although there is a new key on H's car key ring.
I'm stuck!!

[Broken Open]

Question

Three weeks ago my MLCer was demoted from his Exec. VP position to Supt, now it appears he will lose his job totally.  When MLC started he began lying and not showing up to work, spending time with his "I love her more than anyone else ever, we've lived as one for 8 months, soon-to-be wife ".  He's been at this company for over 20 years and has lost everything he worked for.  My question is, when this type of thing happens, typically (I know, no such thing with MLC) does this work as a wake up call for them - like they might be running down the wrong path or do they perceive it as they were maligned, treated unfairly and feel the world in conspiring against their happiness.  Would love some input/thoughts. 

[holdinon2hope]

Question


H text Mr this morning n said hr was tempted to sleep with me when he seen me today then texts the fowolling---   take it as a compliment not a downgrade.  Wtf does that mean?!?!  I'm a lil upset and curious as to what he meant..surly he don't think the OW is better than me or that he is better than me now that they have a new fancy house anf he left mr n S11 in a peice of $h!te house...Idk I was just wondering what he meant by that, its boggled me since I read it..n yes it pisses me off..how dare him!! 

[ForeverHopefulOne]

S&D, I completely understand where you are coming from.  After first BD, my H wanted us to have a trial separation, living under the same roof (he couldn't afford to live on his own either).  I agreed only because I thought that we were going to eventually come back together and work things out.  He wanted to see other people and I set a boundary that as long as we lived in the same house, I didn't want to see other people.  He agreed.  When I found out about OW for the second time (they broke up and secretly got back together), I restated my boundary and asked him to leave.  He said he couldn't afford it, I said stay at a friend's house, I didn't care (OW lived 5 hour away).  He left and stayed at a friends and hasn't moved back - it's been over 3 years.

Have you served your H with legal separation papers? 

[calamity]

Broken open I'll answer on your thread as there's so many questions here I'm confused.

[panda]

songanddance - my H says he will leave when he can afford it - but blames me because I will not re-mortgage, however like your H, I firmly believe this is an excuse.   At BD, I also got the '2 separate lives under the same roof' line.

At the moment, I am letting it ride as I know for sure that this OW means nothing.   I would continue to do as you are - no contact, no chats.  Let your H feel uncomfortable.... Hopefully a mentor can help out with this one for all of us who have live ins.....

[R]

S&D and Panda

As you know, I don't have a live in, but in terms of affording somewhere to live, my H says he is only living with OW because he literally has nowhere else to live and doesn't have the funds to pay for a place of his own.  With some compromise of his material things, he could afford somewhere to live; he could live with his parents but refuses to.  His sister has had to put up with him for 4.5 months.  I think it is whatever suits their reasoning at THAT moment.  I think they are afraid to be on their own as it will surely lead to a need to look in their mirror and face some sort of reality. 

It must be so tough for your both and I can't imagine the daily torture almost of it all.  I guess all you can do is continue with no contact, trying to GAL, etc.  I am sure someone will have better insight than me though! x

[echarle1]

To add to Clareb Comment

i dont even know where my H lives or is staying with , he wont even tell me that (im so controlling you see) i do know he lies about where he is (He is a crap liar)

however h has a perfectly good home at his dads - his reason for not staying there "H does not want a lecture"  that says it all

[Niek]

New question

I wonder if and when someone in MLC starts to take a look at himself. As far as I can see my H (BD Dec. 2010) is waking up. He is much nicer, making me compliments again etc. Guess OW is gone. But H still tells me that I cannot take a look at myself and accuses me of wanting to blame him for this whole mess. It almost looks like he wants me to make excuses so he can convince himself there is nothing wrong with him. And all the things he accused me of during his crisis were absolutely his FOO issues, mostly things he never told his mother I guess.
On the other hand he verbalizes things like he felt too responsible and therefor he wanted to walk his own path. I guess that these feelings weren't triggered by me, but he cannot answer that question.

My situation is that I live in our house together with our D20, H pays everything (talking about responsibilities) and he wants to continue this situation. He refuses to discuss any other alternative. So I really feel that everything is on hold and I am afraid that this situation will last for years as long as my H doesn't understand were this all comes from. Even our therapist said that with his personality structure it will be very difficult to give him some insight in his problems.