Skip to main content
Pages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7 8 ... 17  All   Go Down

Author Topic: Discussion Ask a Mentor 5

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1251
  • Gender: Male
Discussion Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#50: July 20, 2013, 06:43:19 PM
I don't think there is one LBS that hasn't said or at least thought, my MLCer is different.
Once my MLCer makes up their mind it's all set.
  • Logged
HE>i
D
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2987
  • Gender: Male
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#51: July 20, 2013, 07:25:16 PM
Quote from: Broken Open on July 20, 2013, 05:41:18 PM
I have read the articles and I understand the MLC is about them and OW is a bandaid or quick high to feel better about themselves. But mine will be married to her at the end of this month after knowing her less than a year. He loooooooves her like he's "never loved anyone else".  Now what?  If she is a bandaid when will he realize this is about him?

Since you have read the articles, this may not be anything new.  But let me provide you some encouragement in a few ways.

Marrying the alienator is not an indicator of the MLCers ability to love.  MLC is emotional and developmental in nature.  That includes the ability to love......and that includes the ability to love one's Self.

I understand deeply and personally what it's like for the MLCer to marry the alienator.  My MLCer did.  My friend's MLCer did.

My friend's MLCer also divorced the alienator about 18 months later.  She then found OM #2, but has now returned to my friend.  She was gone just shy of 5 years.

Some input from RCR
MLC is a crisis. It is specific to the individual in MLC; it is not about the spouse and it is not about the alienator. The alienator is just a convenient and willing player on stage.

Many times the alienator is part of the regression that is MLC.  The alienator in my friend's situation was his MLCers boyfriend from high school.  She hadn't seen him in 25 years......and married him in less than a year, and as I mentioned above divorced him 18 months later.
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#52: July 20, 2013, 08:06:26 PM
DGU, I do not remember if you have post to twilightzone thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3770.0  If you have not, could you be so kind to post your friend's and his MLCer story on his thread?

Twilight's wife left to be with her HSSH that she has not seen in 37 years, since she was 17. I think your friend's and his MLCer story could be of help.

Thank you.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 20, 2013, 08:26:36 PM by AnneJ »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)
B
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 73
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#53: July 20, 2013, 08:14:44 PM
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and kindness. Things look bleak, encouragement is appreciated.   :-*. If you could find the thread that would be great. 
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1629
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#54: July 21, 2013, 02:51:35 AM
New Question:

Would anyone be able to give any insight/opinion into why an MLCer would apparently now be focused on the children?  H is spending alot of time with them and taking them places / interracting in a way I have not seen for about 2 years... In addition to this, there are now lots of planned visits to his parents - not sure why he is going there so often.  guilt?
  • Logged
BD Dec 11
BD Feb 13 - OW discovered
Moved out Nov 13 to live with OW
S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6490
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#55: July 21, 2013, 05:23:52 AM
I wouldn't know Panda - but then again you did say that he was beginning to look at FOO issues. So maybe he is somewhere in the recesses of his brain, beginning to look into himself.
Possible movement in the tunnel maybe?
However - it is a big positive that he is beginning to focus on the children(even if it is temporary) - that must be evidence of something more than just cycling..
Perhaps the more experienced LBSers can shed light on this? I would be interested too.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.
D
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 634
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#56: July 21, 2013, 06:45:13 AM
Panda,
I read somewhere on HS before that they first connect with the home/pets, then children, before they even begin to reconnect with the LBS.
I'm not saying that to get your hopes up. Remember, "No expectations". Just be thankful for the gift from God that he is trying to spend more time and attention with the kids.
Take care.
J.
  • Logged
H 50
Me 50
Married 24.5 yr
Together 31.5
S23, S21
Clinging Boomerang w/ a Schmoopie
c
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6770
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#57: July 21, 2013, 07:29:52 AM
Quote
In addition to this, there are now lots of planned visits to his parents - not sure why he is going there so often.

Free babysitting?  I am cynical about mlcer motives.

Yes it's a good sign that he's connecting with his children but, there are no signs. ???
  • Logged
l
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1849
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#58: July 21, 2013, 08:58:13 AM
So I am assuming we had another touch and go and he has run back to the OW and his ways. This time though he is ignoring contact (texts and phone calls) and the children.  This is not like him.  Why would he be ignoring?  I am almost 2 years in and this all this new behaviour lately is confusing.`
  • Logged
Mentor - Phoenix
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8239
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask a Mentor 5
#59: July 21, 2013, 09:03:29 AM
Sometimes they go to a 'darker part of the tunnel'.  The two year mark seems to kind of be the general rule for it.  Embrace it as movement, and just let it be for now, and he will probably pop his head out to check back soon enough.
  • Logged
Pages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7 8 ... 17  All   Go Up
 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.