[I believe in angels]

THey can be charming monster via texts as well.  My h does this all the time, but now i usually get silent monster as my answers are short and too the point or with a few truth darts thrown in. x

[Searching4Answers]

However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
I'm almost hopeful that the answer is yes as he needs to leave and I need the space from him.
Has any one had experience of a gradual self removal from the home? 

Songanddance, I hope you get the answer I am in the exact same position you are and wish I could figure out how to get him to leave {sigh}

[Thirsty Duck]

Last evening I stopped by my W's house to pick something up. I sensed, as only a husband would, that something was not "right" so I asked her what was troubling her. She immediately started to "tear-up" and told me that she had a mammogram and the procedure found a questionable lump that needed to be biopsied. I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug and she began sobbing in my arms. I told her not to worry and that it might not be anything to be concerned about, that it could be anything or nothing which she acknowledged. I hugged her for quite a while and she thanked me saying that she needed a hug.

As this was happening, I was also thinking that for someone in the throes of MLC who is consumed with their own mortality, this has got to be devastating. A few minutes later she tells me that the nurse at the clinic had also told her not to worry and that the lump might just be calcification of tissue and  that "this happens often in post menopausal women". While she told me this, she put her hands on her hips almost in a statement of defiance, stating that "she was not that old". OMG, I didn't know what to say. It was about enough to throw her over the cliff of insanity. If she wasn't already worked up enough about her aging, this just about did her in!

So my question is, what role should I play in this? A loving husband or a distant bystander or somewhere in between? I tried to give her moral support and asked to be kept advised as to what was happening and offered my assistance in anything she needed, but did not try to push myself into her life. Today I texted her and asked how she was feeling but nothing more.

Your counsel is appreciated.

[Ready2Transform]

I think what you've already done is the right approach.  Let her tell you if she needs more.  The "menopause" remarks speak tons to probably another layer of fear this is bringing out, and you were good to just validate her and let her process the feedback the world is giving her.  I've had a benign lump removed in the past - it's not something that physically will require much from anyone, but I think she probably knows now that you are there if she needs someone for that much needed hug.  Good job.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
 

My H went through this.  He was completely disconnected from me and our S, and in full addiction mode with OW.  He could not WAIT to get away from me when we HAD to interact about our S.  This lasted about a year, then he realized I was not the enemy and started the acts of kindness again. 

If your H is sticking around because he made these statements like "you can't make me leave" then he might dig his heels in and stay, just for the sake of staying - even though it's not what he wants.  Or, he could get pressure from OW to get out of his marital home and he will leave. 

[Songanddance]

Thanks FH1,
I believe he is in full addiction mode and therefore that is why he is away.
I have to aim truth darts at him when I can so that I can put subtle pressure on him to leave because I am finding it difficult to detach and not only that am becoming a doormat.
He says he will leave when he is ready so I think I need to now start making subtle digs about whether OW is happy for him to spend his nights at home with his wife and what a fool she is to think that he will leave me for her and as H has also said he doesn't think it will last (yeah BS time) I can casually wonder out loud if he has told her that!
I don't want him to leave but then again I don't want this affair thrown in my face the whole time.

[Beautiful Heart]

New Question

At what point in MLC does H/W  "think" they have made the right decision, and are happy in their "new life" with the OW/OM? is it in the beginning of the new R, after the R goes public or in a specific time during Replay?

Thank you in advance!

[calamity]

BH,

I would say at the beginning of the relationship.

You can figure it out from here:  http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay.html

The following section would also apply [Covert depression]. 

Of course you know to believe 0% of what he says & 50% of what he does!

[Beautiful Heart]

Thanks C,

I get so something new out of these articles every time I read them. Great articles!
I suspect H has been in his R since March of 2012, maybe even before.
It was kept a secret, he has Been open about the R since about Jan of this year. With his family anyway. Looking back a few months, he seemed to be so hell bent on his new life, new R & leaving this life behind. He moved out in May. Lately he has been contacting S & family more often. I have heard from him 2x.
I know I should not be keeping track of where he is in the MLC process, but I can't help it.
Especially since he has been in touch with my F lately. He actually wished my Niece a Happy BDay yesterday!!! Maybe he is moving forward a bit.

Have a great day & thanks again!!

[Slow Fade]

Can I get some cyber hugs? Feeling very low at the moment.

Some people talk about having a "knowing" that their MLCr will come back at some point. I feel like I have a "knowing" that he will NEVER come back. Is one feeling more valid than the other? Am I just trying to protect my heart for the worst case scenario?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3843.0