[Beautiful Heart]

Hi SF,

MANY HUGS!!

I feel the same way you do!!!!

Beautiful Heart~

[BB64]

Hey, all,
I need advice on my thread please. My MLC'er is taking me for a fool!!!

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3808.0

[Magnite38]

Question...how long does it take to detach?  I see some on here can sit back a laugh at their h's behaviour and others want to go at em.  When can I start laughing at h and not take it so personal?  I think I am doing everything that I am suppose to to detach but h still gets to me. I am going on 9 months now and h is so far into the tunnel, nothing phases him and he knows he is on the right path.   At some points I feel like I am detaching then I have to have a serious conversation with h and everything come back to the surface. 

So for all the detached LBS when can I feel a sense of freedom from this crisis?  I so want to be over this crazy feeling.

[trusting]

Magnite, detachment is a process and it can be a long one.  You will find you cycle with detachment and that may last a long time.  I am 4.5 years post BD and while in many ways I am quite detached, every once in awhile something will hit me and that detachment flies out the window.  I will say it was probably (maybe?  Can't remember) around the 2 - 3 year mark that I was at my best with it.  I do have a live in MLCer so my situation is different than most and detachment is probably harder to maintain.   

It is also different for each person.  I had to keep reminding myself that his crisis was NOT about me and that there was nothing I could do about his actions and behaviors so I might as well not think about it.  I think acceptance is key. 

I do think that in many ways it may be easier for an LBS to detach the less contact they have with their MLCer.

[calamity]

After one year post BD I started to wake up a little, he's met his soulmate?  He never really loved me?  He believes an affair down dishwasher can improve his life?  He's crazy!     Knowing this is not the man/woman you married is the beginning of detachment.  The rest is keeping yourself convinced even when you see him. 

[Disneyme]

That is hard for me. When I see him everything changes. If he's laughing it makes my nerves crawl. If he acts like he hasn't changed to everyone else and the kids, it drives me nuts. How do you sit there knowing he is crazy when everyone else sees the same person, just he got rid of you. Found out people really don't care about their friend's marriages. They will side with who they need to, and think it will never happen to them, and there is no such thing as MLC like we know it.

[i can and will cope]

hi sorry to post on here really need some advice , h has been texting my son who doesnt want to talk to him so has been ignoring his texts (son is 23) h has been vile to son on and off but seems to forget .

he has now text me after nothing since the last text saying he will make sure our paths never cross again saying do you know if son has lost his phone or just blocking me out , son just said text him back dont know so i just put ?  he then replied saying its just i have sent him texts and he hasnt (with a sad face at end of text)

i reallly dont know what to put then whislt writing on here he has just text again saying thanks i shouldnt have expected a reply from you should i??

i really want to say to him why dont you think about why your son doesnt text you , when you told him you dont care if you never see him again you are going to spend the rest of your life with ow and if he cant accept that tough ... then denied saying it , then you have had him by the throat then denied doing that too and many other things please advice would be helpful

i really wnat to text him back or do i just say i really dont know and that is between you and son or

helpx

[xyzcf]

Your son and husband will have to figure out their relationship on their own. It isn't up to you although I would encourage your son to try and remain neutral as possible and to express to his dad how he feels.

You cannot tell your husband how or what your son feels and if your husband's texts are in any way "mean" I would just ignore him.

[i can and will cope]

xyzcf
thanks for reply son has tried with his dad and told him how he feels and i have tried to stay out of their relationship the only time i interfered was when son didn't want his dad to go to his graduation i said he should really think about it because it is a special great day in his life and he might regret his dad not being there , so he told h he was invited as long as he didn't bring ow (sons decision not mine), h said he wouldn't want her there anyway

he kept calling me sweetheart all that day just like he always did ( i wanted to say i not your sweetheart anymore but bit my tongue for sons sake.  anyway i digress, I felt sorry for h today ..how do they get you like thst with all the horrible things they do and say and we end up feeling guilty.

thanks again

[Stillpraying]

How do I cope.
It is NOT your fault.  you did not cause the rift between your H and son.  Your son has set his boundaries.
You are correct.  it IS between your H and your son.

I had a similar experience with my exH over his mother.  I just replied: "Your relationship with your mother has nothing to do with me",  and left it at that.

Detaching from it is best as you can't fix it.

Hugs,
SP