[UKStander]

Nice that you're still close with your MIL, Mamma Bear.  Mine's cut me off (!). 

Nice to meet you, as I get the impression you are something of a celebrity on here.... and that you have quite a following. 

UKS

[riverbirch]

My H is the youngest in his family. He has two older sisters and a brother.When he was about four his parents had some kind of turmoil going on and the kids were sent to live with their dads mom. I don't know for how long or anything else. I do know that he was the grandmothers favorite. She loved my H too pieces.

My H dad became angry with his mom about how to raise the kids or something along that line. They never spoke again. So for about 30 years or so my H dad never spoke to his mom again.
 
When I met my H he was 16 or 17 ,living in a boys home, waiting to go to court. He had left his home or got kicked out. Lived with friends or on the street pretty much. At one point he lived with one of his sisters. He was into drugs and drinking. Doing whatever he pleased. Then we met and had a baby when he was 18 and I was 16. He had no contact at that time with any of his family.

My mom took him in and became his foster mom to help him get state help. When our D was born I got him to contact his family to try and reconnect. He has been distant with them over the years. His grandmother died when he was away out of state doing training for the military. He couldn't attend her funeral.

He has been deployed to Iraq. Before he went we had just started reconnecting due to my own MIL ,I had gone through. When he got back from Iraq he went right back to life. There was no time off for him We couldn't afford it. We have gone through bankruptcy, then he came up with this plan to D to get ALL his retirement savings. It was the only way to get the whole lump sum and we needed to pay off our debt. I did not want to do it. The money came to me and we used it to pay off things. He left about four or five months later.

His trauma early on left him with abandonment issues and he didn't learn coping skills. He keeps things bottled up and drinks to get rid of demons. Which we all know doesn't do anything. So everything finally caught up with him and he took off.

[barbiedoll]

I believe it absolutely is part of my husbands pain. At age 3 1/2 he saw ( and heard) his father beat his mother nearly to death .He saw family members struggle to save her and take knife from him. my husband never saw his mother again.. he grew up thinking she was dead. They tell me he was close enough to have blood on his sleeper. He was told at 14 that she was alive but still did not meet her until he was 25. he was raised by violent alcoholic and left home at 14. He slept on football coaches couch for 2 years... He has much to resolve. He is still at home with me... only barely. He is in therapy weekly.  the therapist told me there are atleast 4 significant indicators of pending midlife crisis:
1. Men who strongly tire identity to there job.. " I am CEO, or I am Lawyer" ( retirement is very scarey as it would be loss of identity)
2. Men who are very proud of masculine looks... muscle man, strong as a bear, buff kinda physically strong there whole life .. football player types.. It is very difficult to face chubby and balding for some of these men
3 unresolved trauma from childhood
4 men who are avoiders of emotions, bury them and you never see them... ever. They meet everyones needs and never their own ( a trait of adult children of alcoholic
There therapist tells me that my husband is affected in every category 100% profoundly. I agree . And He is struggling in a way I cannot bare to watch some days...

[forthetrees]

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/04/opinion/sunday/the-trauma-of-being-alive.html?hp

So, if you are far into the journey and still feeling pain- you are normal:)

[trusting]

Jos, my husband also had what I would consider from the outside looking in a "good" childhood.  His parents' marriage was intact, he didn't suffer trauma or abuse, nothing that would seem overtly negative.  However, there is something there that is more emotional pain - lack of feeling validated, control issues, etc.  Sounds like your husband's childhood may have been the same way.  There doesn't have to be something major or overtly traumatic to cause the crisis (though that often is the case).  There is just something from their childhoods that causes them to miss pieces in their emotional development and they fall to pieces in midlife and the damage falls on us. 

[jos1.9]

Both parents of my H were always big alcohol drinkers when he was growing up.  Not to the extent of alcoholics but they were always in the Pub. 

The mum of H (who is now terminally ill with cancer) has been on anti-depressants for all her adult life.  One sister of my H is on anti-depressants and sometimes valium.  When I suggested in April 2013 that H should see GP about his depression / stress he monstered and screamed 'I am not like my M and S' -

I also forgot that in addition to the night sweats my H had a racing heart and he went to the Hospital and put one of those monitors on him for 24 hours but it didn't find anything physically wrong with his heart during the 24 hours that he wore it.

[limitless]

FTT

That was a really good article.  I keep thinking that its been 3 years.  I should be "over it".


Thanks for posting.  The article really made sense for me

L

[iHh]

Thank you for posting the article FTT.  Though I feel detached, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over the destruction H left in his wake.  iHh

[xyzcf]

Mourning, however, has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. The closest one can find to a consensus about it among today’s therapists is the conviction that the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay

.

Loved this! We have said this a great deal that it is vital that we feel and deal with the pain rather than hiding. This hurts, it hurts our kids and it hurts our extended families and friends.

Thanks for sharing.

[forthetrees]

Limitless, I posted it for you:)
We´re going to have triggers for life. I just hope my trigger set decreases over time.