[Searching4Answers]

I think of my ex and how he hasn't even givin me the guilt sorry yet after almost 2 years past BD.  I am not sure he is capable of ever getting to true remorse. It is crazy because he should feel like Sh!t after what he did to our young family. If he can't even feel guilt and admit some wrong, there is something wrong with him. There may be guilt there in his nasty behaviour but no apology. I would hope that somewhere in him he has a conscience and he will break free of this mask. I don't have much hope for him and one day soon it won't matter to me at all.

We are on the same timeline - BD was December 2012. My H is exactly the same. I got some guilt early on but it didn't last long. If he doesn't show guilt how is he going to show remorse

[stayed]

Oh they show GUILT S4A's, they just don't ADMIT to guilt.  Big difference.  I think it really eats at those ones the most.

Hugs Stayed

[Songanddance]

I think it really eats at those ones the most.

Well I hope it's eating my H up one big bite at a time!!

[stayed]

  hehehe, thanks for the laugh, S&G.  I can't imagine that EVERY LBSer doesn't wish for that!  CHOMP! CHOMP!  CHOMP! hehehe...

Hugs Stayed

[PolarBear]

Do we need to have genuine remorse before rebuilding can commence, or can the remorse develop during rebuilding?

and some words to share from my last MC session (w/o W) : The shame your wife feels will destroy her from the inside until she address's it. It is the most destructive of all human emotions and she will not be able to commit to your R, till she has dealt with her shame and guilt.

Thus I think remorse is required for a reconnection to be successful, but is it required to start it?

[stayed]

I think rebuilding and remorse sort of happen simultaneously, at least it did for us.  Husband resisted for the longest time.  He really didn't want to admit to his shame, he wanted to pretend that it was all normal, sort of "part of life sort of thing".  At least he wanted to try and convince me that. 

I agree with your counselor.  As much as my h wanted me to let it all just be swept aside, I think in his heart of hearts, he knew that in order for himself as well as us to have the best chance of healing and rebuilding, he had to own what he had done.  He didn't want to face it, he truly didn't.  We have to help them though to realize it has to be faced.  Neither of us can get past it, if the whole situation is not faced, admitted, owned and then FORGIVEN by both parties.  The betrayer as much, perhaps even more then the betrayed.

It's not nearly as "gratifying" for the betrayed as you might think.  It is painful watching someone you love have to look at the horrible person they were during that time.  Yes, we all would love to have our MLCer apologize and confess to "regret", but if that partner were to return years later and they are obviously a mess, had a couple more relationships which have also failed, it does not give you the "satisfaction" you might now think it would. 

In the end, everybody just wants to "feel" normal again.  I have my doubts that an unrepentant mid life crisis every feels normal.  My heart really goes out to them.

Hugs Stayed

[dbpb]

I have to agree with Stayed.
In my case, I have been divorced long time and ex has never shown remorse, or even said I'm sorry. However, I do think he has guilt, but he will not talk about what happened. I have even asked him specific questions explaining that it was the answers that would help me heal and to put my mind at rest, but I get nothing. He wants to sweep it all aside and thinks if we can be friends, then everything is ok.

[stayed]

You know dbpb, maybe you should just tell him outright.  I am not your friend.  My friends don't betray me, run away from all their parental responsibilities and then pretend it never happened.

Seriously my friend, what do you have to lose?

Hugs Stayed

[MIMIx]

If we need to help them along in facing themselves, I would like to know how a person does this?  Leading by example? 

[Trusting in Goodness and God]

I have to agree with Stayed.
In my case, I have been divorced long time and ex has never shown remorse, or even said I'm sorry. However, I do think he has guilt, but he will not talk about what happened. I have even asked him specific questions explaining that it was the answers that would help me heal and to put my mind at rest, but I get nothing. He wants to sweep it all aside and thinks if we can be friends, then everything is ok.

My husband came out with the nonsense of wanting to end up friends in the early days of our separation.  I told him that no one who behaved the way that he did qualified to be my friend;  that was the end of that, lol.