[riverbirch]

Remorse is feeling horrible about what you did. Then doing something about it,to make sure it doesn't happen again. Digging deep to figure out what caused you to feel bad enough to do the wrong things.

When I went through my own crisis it took me a while to realize what I did and why I did it. Then I made sure to find a way to change so I wouldn't feel the way I did. I was in such a bad place and did things I normally wouldn't do. I vowed to never make my family go through that pain again. You can see and feel another person's pain when you feel remorse. You have to deal with your issues, go see a counselor,go on meds.for depression,read,do research. Do what it takes to make things right.

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

I am brand new into this - BD April 29th.

But I think my H was depressed off and on throughout our marriage and then BIG TIME depressed over the past year.

In a very short time, he's gone from having no regard for any of us... for example he told me he didn't want to go to my D5's daycare graduation (although not overly significant) which was very important to her.... he told me "if there's no 'ceremony', I'm not going to subject myself to spending the day around a bunch of kids"..

That's just one example of monstering....

Just recently, in the past couple of weeks, he's really seemed genuine about his "remorse" surrounding the kids and now the dogs (lol). He's always resented the dogs because I spent time with them. What's a girl to do with a depressed husband moping around.

Anyway, I could be wrong... he did send me a text saying he really felt terrible for missing the graduation, as we got the photo album and she was in a gown with her teacher. There was no ceremony, but he believes now that there was. And I think he does feel horrible...

Too early for remorse, or is it just cycling?

[Songanddance]

This is guilt.
Remorse is acknowledging very sincerely that they have done something wrong and really wanting to make amends and putting those amends into sincere and healing actions.

Guilt is just saying I'm sorry and having a pity party. That's what your H is doing.  All about him if you notice. Remorse is when it is no longer about him and his feelings but about sincerely acknowledging, recognising and acting to help other peoples feelings

[tigrlily12000]

True 'dat!  Sadly, guilt seems to hold them back.  Feeling guilty sucks.  Sometimes and this seems to be especially true of MLCer's, feeling guilty angers them because they also see themselves as ENTITLED to freedom, happiness, fun.  It takes them a long time to realize that having those entitlements at the expense of their entire family, is not as ENJOYABLE as they expected it be.  Which makes them feel GUILTY, which makes them feel ANGRY, which then makes them RESENTFUL. 

Vicious circle!

Hugs Stayed

How do we break this circle? Not meaning trying to break it with them but I know I have days where I feel this circle within me. I hate it! Hate the blame of our failure he has put mostly (not all) on me, which makes me feel guilty, then anger and lastly resentful. Resentful that he can do as he pleases while I stand and take care of everything...

[MIMIx]

So, does guilt eventually move forward into remorse?  Do most eventually see things from a different perspective?  Can the two happen together?  Does true remorse always include an admission of responsibility for the wrongdoing?

I have seen this in his actions but not with his words.  Although he is not EVER good with words!  He always prefers to apologize with actions.  A woman has to be good and intuitive to see the apology.

Will we know remorse if or when it happens?

[stayed]

Guilt does not automatically move on to true REMORSE.  Remorse takes time, effort, genuine acknowledgement of all that you did wrong.  Owning it.  Making true retribution.  Acknowledgment of past wrongs and a determination to put them right, or at least as right as is possible.  Let's be honest, this cannot be undone, but it can certainly be acknowledged and truly regretted.

We can't do diddly squat about helping our spouse or anybody, own their bad behaviour.  The only person we can lead to ownership of their actions, is ourselves.  It comes completely and wholly from within OURSELVES!  All we can do, is lead by example.  Hopefully, they will follow suit.

The point is, if you want a truly loving relationship with your MLCer/spouse, true remorse and repenting has to be accomplished.  People will run and rationalize bad behaviour for a long, long time, before committing themselves to repent and remorse.  People do not like to feel badly about themselves and for some bazaar reason, they find it impossible to believe that admitting to their sins, repenting for them and being truly REMORSEFUL, will actually MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER about themselves, their life and the people around them.

We live in a crazy old world.  We all learn this stuff in Sunday school, from the age of 4, yet somehow most of us seem to have MISSED, Sunday School Remorse and Redemption 101.

Hugs Stayed

[MIMIx]

So, remorse sounds like a necessary component to the breaking down of ego.  And perhaps a necessary step in one's  pathway to finding themselves and rediscovering their partner in the process.

So, I guess in my case, I am mostly seeing guilt and perhaps some remorse woven in. He's tricking me with his little surprises...like mowing the lawn and leaving before I get home from work.   Or dropping off a nice dinner for me but leaving before I get home.  He tells me how sorry he is.  But I think he is doing that more for himself rather than for me.

Hmmm....

[MIMIx]

Btw Stayed,

Hello from your old area in Canada.  Snow came early this year.  As usual, the winter complaining has begun too.  We women had to dig out those car seat warmers early this year.

M

[stayed]

Hi MiMix, I wonder which Old area of Canada you are talking about?  I have lived in Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec, hehehe.. I know there a lot more out there, but that was the best I could do in the 25 years I was part of my h's military career... of course that is not mentioning, several different cities in many of these provinces, plus the European tours. 

Actually, I keep up on the weather in the Ottawa region because we have a cottage less then an hour outside, Ottawa.  Don't want our pipes to freeze.  We have kids that use the place all year round, but they are not always the MOST reliable informers... hehehe. 

Hugs and sorry you have a need to be here.  We must try and hook up, if you are where I think you are.

Hugs Stayed

[Magnite38]

I think of my ex and how he hasn't even givin me the guilt sorry yet after almost 2 years past BD.  I am not sure he is capable of ever getting to true remorse. It is crazy because he should feel like Sh!t after what he did to our young family. If he can't even feel guilt and admit some wrong, there is something wrong with him. There may be guilt there in his nasty behaviour but no apology. I would hope that somewhere in him he has a conscience and he will break free of this mask. I don't have much hope for him and one day soon it won't matter to me at all.

I too am in the Canadian cold, a balmy -24c.