[WeepingWillow]

he said that "she" was the love of his live, but he was done with her.  I didn't believe it.  My detaching was starting to work, a little.

regarding: "I didn't believe it."
Still Hoping,
My question is -
Which part didn't you believe?  that she was the love of his life?  or that he was done with her?  or both?

You're a wonderful, patient lady.  Encouraged by your story.

[StillHoping]

WeepingWillow

"""regarding: "I didn't believe it."
Still Hoping,
My question is -
Which part didn't you believe?  that she was the love of his life?  or that he was done with her?  or both?""

Both, but mostly, I didn't believe that he was done with her, and he wasn't.  After 25 years, I knew him like a book, he just didn't know it, I guess.  It just was a gut feeling, and I was right, like I always was.

He said last week, that he knew it was time for him to face his issues.  He said he's been seeing a counselor.  He said his first step was to tell me that he wanted to come home.  Now, for the next few weeks, until he comes home, he has to work through some more "stuff", as he put it. 

I didn't ask what that "stuff" was.  He can tell me when HE is ready. I will not push him for answers, although I can't wait to get answers.  I know pushing him, especially right now, would be the wrong thing to do.

He's not out of the woods, yet, I know that, but he's working on it, so I have to be patient.  It's very hard to wait for answers, answers I've been looking for for over 2 1/2 years, but I know I have to wait for him to come forward with it.

Like so many wise friends have told me, take it "One day at a time".

Hope

[WeepingWillow]

You are amazing. truly.
Thank you for clarifying it for me, Hope.

[riverbirch]

Thank for clarifying for all of us.
At least he is willing to get help. You are a very lucky lady.

[i can and will cope]

Still hoping

i keep going back to your post about him just texting out of the blue.  my h did that last oct too he said his intention was to go back to ow get his stuff and come back home but he couldnt leave her??  it was beyond me why he needed to tell me this since then it has been as they say another rollercoaster ride, he has monstered then been like my old h all this while still living at home.

then it changed end of July he never really came back to the house but then he text me to tell me how sorry he was  remonising sbout our old life wishing things , i probabaly did wrong by answering him nad  eacting to his nasty texts, he then proceeded to balme me i didnt shoe him that i loved him or wanted him if i had loved him i would have fought and shown him??? (i keeping this short as i can)  he then left it but ten days later i gget a text saying he wants me to really think about things and dont anser until i do but now we are coming to the end of us he wants me to be happy?? (i was happy until you went off )  we could csrry on he will pay me to help keep the house (previously in last 18 months i was gonna lose house becuase he would throw me and our son out ow was moving in ,,he denied saying all this of course)  or we could go our sepate ways and sell house or talk abiut reviving the relationship we used to have?? i then said i didnt think there was any point in talking while ow still in picture as i woldnt be with hi if she was , he then monstered again and back and forthed then blamed me again. he is starting to get more emotional but still proceeding with things as he cant leave ow , this breaks my heart and i am trying to cope with the lovely people on this board but wjust wondered what you thought i know they cycle back and forth my bd was totally out the blue (like many others i know)   I know ow is affair down and my h did 180 turn around from what he was , any hoo just would like your feedback . 

i am so happy for you too xx

[Trustandlove]

DGU, you are the master of the concise post.  It all sounds so simple when you put it like that, but of course we all know it hasn't been.  I am absolutely thrilled that it turned out that way; I've been following that story since you first wrote about it, which must have been when the forum began. 

[StillHoping]

How do I cope

Thank you for your reply.  I appreciate all the advice, from everyone.

After I had been working on detaching, really not caring what he did or didn't do, or if I saw him or not, I got a text, last October saying "Do you want me to come back, how will it ever work?"  This was NOT a text saying "I want to come home", I knew that.  After reading so much here, I thought "well, there he goes again with his cycling, wonder where this is going". 

I waited to see what would happen.  We actually talked that day, for 2 hours.  He also talked about the past, things in his family that had bothered him all his life, things that bothered him about our relationship, but in the end, he said "I am done with her, but she was the love of my life".  That sentence, right there, told me, that he was NOT done with her.  I did not believe him, and I just continued my detaching and went on with my life.  I knew he wasn't anywhere ready to start any kind of reconciliation.

In February,  he wanted to talk to me.  He asked me, again, if I wanted him to come back.  Told me how guilty he felt about what he did.  He wanted to know how I felt about him coming back.  Back then, I was simply still somewhat pissed about all of it,  total detachment, I guess, left me, that day.  I said to him "I just can't believe you would leave ME for this ugly ass, bug eyed b!tc#" sorry for those words).  He looked at me and said "Ok, that's enough for today, we'll talk again, some other day"  I just said OK.

7 months later, he wanted to talk again.  This time he told me he had been seeing a counselor, he knew he had to start dealing with "things" (didn't ask him what all), he had to prepare "steps" on how he was going to deal with his issues and the first step was to come back home.  He asked me if I wanted him to come back home and I said "Yes, I do want you to come back".  Didn't ask anymore.  He said we'll talk again, later. I just let it go.   

Then he told me he wanted to take me on a cruise during Christmas break, just the two of us. I said "That would be very nice", thats all I said. I wanted to say more, and ask so many questions, but I learned that that questioning them, was the wrong thing to do. I knew I had to let him do this at his own pace, not mine.

 Next day he came and told me he booked it.  It was almost as if he booked it so quickly, so he couldn't change his mind and he had to go forward with whatever he discussed with his counselor.  He said several times that he WANTS to come back home, he really wants to come back, but there are still "things" he was dealing with, but he knew he had to start dealing with it now, because he did not want to loose me.  He was afraid to loose me.

I am telling you all of this because, like so many other have told me, this is a long process and it just takes lots of time.

I wish you the best and I hope it will eventually all work out.

take care

Hope

[LoveMeMyself]

DGU,

Thank you for breaking this down and giving us more insight into their journey. It is so helpful to see the time frame and to even know the communication details.  It has given me more hope.  Anything is possible.  I've been to the point of giving up....many times but more so here lately. Every time I think of ending my stand or when my hope seems to fade....I come to the forum and read something inspirational and up-lifting. I am at the 4yr. point in all this and it seems no end is at sight. I know, the time frame isn't important....but so very hard to continue hoping and waiting. 

Thank you again for posting this heart warming return. We have all probably been waiting and watching for this information about your friend. May God Bless their reconciliation.

(((HUGS)))

[i can and will cope]

hi Still hoping

thank yiu for claryfying your situation, i still find it facinating and am so happy for yu , it is interesting to read what can happen and i am myself at the moment trying to detach yet again, but know why its called the roller coaster ride.

I try not to have any expectations but i have been dreaming a lot about h and the trollop he with , it upsets me becuase i try not to think of then when conscious but it is so hard, i know she is an affiar down beucase my h would never have gone for someone like this and she is toally the opposite to me.

anyway ii waffle now i would like to keep updated on your situ as i feel it is such a lovely positive outcome, the only thing i am thinking now is about chrustmas and wnat we would have done sad arent i ??

its nearly 2 years since he went on that doomed holiday and i encouraged him to go , god i wish i hadnr now but hey ho my fault as is everyhing else according to h , i never showed him i loved him this last 18 months i never fought for him, om g i just csnt believe the things that come from the mlc mouth

hugs xx

[StillHoping]

Hi How do I cope

Thank you for your lovely reply.  It makes me feel good, like I'm doing the right thing.  Believe me, this is not easy for me.  I want to say so many things to him, all the things he did to hurt me, but I know this is not the time.  Maybe, some time down the road, he will be ready to listen to me.  Well, he would probably listen now, but, I have read so many times to say nothing, and to let them come to us, I don't want to push him away, again.  This is a process and I know I can't rush it. 

He is very sincere, so caring, like I haven't seen him in years and I am just enjoying this right now.

I know he still has issues to work through, I am very aware of that, he even told me so.    I also know that this will not be easy, since he has changed (for the better), but, so have I, a lot.  I have changed to where I will not put up with anything anymore.  I am not afraid anymore to speak my mind, no matter what it is, with him, with my kids, and they all know, I have changed. 

I so want to believe everything he is saying, but the trust is just not there, yet, and I told him that.  I told him that he will have to show me that I can trust him, he says he knows that.  I told him that I will never let him hurt me like this, again and he said he understood.  He kind of looked shocked, when I said that, like he didn't have a clue what I meant (he may not, lol)

  I didn't give him any details about the pain he caused me; that's another chapter in this book, I guess.    I said I will give him one more chance, because I can't just throw away half of my life, like it never happened. 

I said for better, for worse, just didn't think it'd get this bad.  Well, it is what it is and I know I can deal with it, now.   He's talking about how he'll be back home for his birthday (beginning of December) and what I wanted for my birthday (hasn't even acknowledged my birthday the past 2 years).  I said let's just wait til it gets closer, and left it at that. 

I sometimes wonder what it will be like when he's back.  I have completely changed the way I live my life and I'm not going back to the old way.  I like ME now, very much.  The old me was a wimp, the new me is a ROCK. 

take care and just be patient.  They can change their minds overnight, as you know. They do it when they leave and they can do it again, when they want to come back.  This just happened so fast, again, just like when he left.  I don't even know what to think, yet, really.    I wake up in the morning thinking, did this really happen, does he really want to come back home?. 

Well, we will see.  For now, I am just leaving him alone, since he said he still has some "things" to work through. 

I will keep you all posted

Hope