[in it]

And everyone does get to mid-life; but some experience a transition instead of a crisis.

[hobo1]

This describes my. MLCer to a T as well.  Avoidant Personality Disordered individuals are also prone to codependency .....  And I suppose MLC.

Should that be the case, it's a disorder, things don't change by themselves.  They come out of MLC but they don't come out of a disorder by themselves.

[toughtimes]

I could see a lot of the old me and the old H in those articles. Urgh.
I think I have come out the other side, will my MLC'er do, too?

I used to be very insecure, have low self esteem, needy, clingy. A year post BD and I cannot see the new me in those articles.
I am feeling great relief in that knowledge!!
I have become independent, confident, I fulfil my own needs (and that feels even better than when it comes from an external source), I now like my own company and always keep myself occupied with constructive projects.
I speak to people on the street and shops. In fact something occurred to me today: A lot of people speak to me now. I have realised that my H was quite controlling in the way that he seems to always be the 'front man'. He spoke to people and I just used to stand there.

I couldn't have achieved all this without this forum and all the advice and thought provoking statements from the more experienced LBS and all the support and FREE information.

I am glad somebody else is doing all the homework Thanks, Albatros for this thread.

Booboo this is me! So very well described. I hated being alone, I had a fear of loneliness. Now I enjoy my own company and love love to read. I was always the one doing the mundane housework and baby care whilst h read and thought, taking walks to think through an idea! I became resentful of this. Since he left I have space and time to think for myself, to read and run and swim and choose! It's great. My h was always the one who talked, I deferred to him so much because I saw him as more intelligent. But I see now he isn't, he is just good at retaining information from books and regurgitate it!

[Sunny]

I too can see H in all of the above. I too was codependent but have worked hard on this aspect of myself and in the year post bd, have made big changes in myself. I hope when H comes out of MLC, he can begin to get a grip on his codependency, he is also an adult child of an alchoholic. 

Thanks so much for this Albatross!

[Dr. NO]

From the symptoms (codependent) list above.

I have problem of ' Giving free advice without being asked". and I am working on it.  In fact I have made significant progress.  No longer I give advice unless they ask it.  However still make a mistake of giving more than what they have asked.  Work in progress.

My MLCer.. now exW, had many of the symptoms described and in extreme proportion.  She did not give free advice without begin asked.  In fact she did not give advice even after someone asked for it.

[Dr. NO]

HOBO1

Good to see you here after a while.  I rarely come here these days.  LT is down.  I am doing well. Hope you are doing well.  Drop a line when you have a moment.  You know my email

Dr. NO (Bart from LT)

[31andcounting]

Codependency is very intersting
I need to learn more about it!
31

[DaRealist]

Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom.

This article describes my wife perfectly.  I wish I had known all this stuff beforehand.  The bolded above has described my efforts from BD until she moved out.  I just wish I knew there was something wrong.  I know she can only fix herself, but I still feel sad I can't help her.  I feel blind and mute with my hands tied behind my back.

How was I supposed to know she resented me/us all this time?  I've never felt so helpless.  I just gotta keep moving on...

[in it]

I'm an adult child of an alcohlic and worked very hard at NOT being codependent.


     -guess at what normal is. Yep
    - have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end  Nope
    - lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.Nope
    - judge themselves without mercy.Sometimes
    - have difficulty having fun.Yep.. feel like I'm doing something bad or wrong
    - take themselves very seriously.Yep but still have a sense of humor about myself
    - have difficulty with intimate relationships.Yep but if I had a REAL PARTNER this still wouldn't be difficult
    - overreact to changes over which they have no control.Sometimes usually handle a crisis quite well. I was RAISED on DRAMA. I want no more of it now.
    - constantly seek approval and affirmation.Nope
    - feel that they are different from other people. Yep different NOT better
    - are either super responsible or super irresponsible. Yep the first one.
    - are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved. Yep
    - tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess. Nope- try to clean up everybody elses mess.

I KNOW I am codpendent we all are to a certain degree in any relationship or else we wouldn't even have FRIENDS.IMHO

 It all depends on how healthy the relationship is and how two people treat each other. Once things get lopsided and off balance that's when the trouble begins.

[Albatross]

In every long lasting marriage is completely normal for life partners to be codependent. After so many years of love, happiness, sorrow, bad, good and everything what two people can go trough people become codependent in healthy way. After all those memories. If You for example my age 50 years and first 10 we don't even remember well only in some fragments last 40 years and 10 was teenager years which is memorable but normally we don't see self in that because we was kids, not develop as we are now in both ways physically and psychologically. What then left as US single ONE ? Only those college years before marriage, in that time we also been in quest to searching not self but life time spouse. So, we know self as one in totally fog long, long time a go... In marriage we both lost self in collective self as couple and as family all of that is perfectly normal.

When BD, LBS lost self ! Because we was all the time identified with us as couple and us as family... So, we have to discover again self... But we know self but missing huge part in it. And that is the reason why is detaching so hard. In other words we wanna part of self which gone and we feel empty. Means our MLCer push us in self rediscover... They also lost self in collective self and they unfortunately don't anymore see self in collective self.

And now You have in my case, strict example 26/30 years. So, it is obvious and normal that LBS after BD is in total mess.

Some LBS never rediscover self, some does. Some MLCers never rediscover self, some does. For successful possible reconnecting both parties should finish own journey. Means LBS own MLT and MLCer own crisis. Even after that no guarantee for reconciliation. Why ? Because we both left tunnel as different persons then been in marriage and also different then met in the first time....

Point of standing is rediscovering self having own life and wait for spouse until we wanna so.

Generally woman are more codependent in marriage then man for that exists obvious reasons.

Here in this post I am talking about normal healthy codependency not maladaptive one.