[Albatross]

Counter-dependency: The Opposite of Codependency

Co-dependency For this reason, counter-dependency is often seen as the opposite or flip side of codependency. Rather than being weak and clingy, those with counter-dependency issues appear strong, secure, hardworking, and successful on the outside. On the inside, however, they feel weak, insecure, fearful, and needy. They may function well in the world of business, but are often insecure in the world of relationships. People with unhealed trauma from the counter-dependent stage of development often find themselves in a relationship with someone who has unhealed traumas from the codependent stage of development. You may even have unhealed traumas from each of these developmental stages.

Frequently they have poor social and emotional skills, are afraid to get close to others, and avoid intimate situations as much as possible. They also create a lot of defenses to prevent anyone from seeing their secret weaknesses, neediness and vulnerability. In short, they put on a good front to prove that they are okay and do not need anything from anyone. These defensive tactics create feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a sense of “quiet desperation.”

Interesting.

[in it]

Interesting is right hmmmmmm

[Medusa]

31, you exactly described my relationship with H. I was out doing my thing and then, when I lost it because we moved and I just never connected with people where I am, I ended up getting castigated for him being "the center of your universe". Except that he wanted to be the center of my universe, and when I found something else to do (my doctorate) he ended up having an affair.

Here's the thing, though. He would have done that anyway. That's what happens in our situations. I went round and round and round about 3,162,547 time on this and finally accepted that no matter what I did, this was going to happen because of who he.

The best any of us can do is continue to educate ourselves so we understand ourselves (and our bizarre spouses as much as humanly possible) and change negative reactions into positive ones.

[in it]

3,162,547?

  How long did that take? ..wait let me guess..about 2.5 seconds right??

[31andcounting]

Exactly!!! It was going to happen No matter what
time is on our side...
31

[in it]

It really is a shame this crisis .....thing.

It could so easily have been a transition that was made instead of all of this devastation.

I just have to think about all the KIDS trying to deal with this. The adults?..not so much.

[toughtimes]

Counter-dependency: The Opposite of Codependency

Co-dependency For this reason, counter-dependency is often seen as the opposite or flip side of codependency. Rather than being weak and clingy, those with counter-dependency issues appear strong, secure, hardworking, and successful on the outside. On the inside, however, they feel weak, insecure, fearful, and needy. They may function well in the world of business, but are often insecure in the world of relationships. People with unhealed trauma from the counter-dependent stage of development often find themselves in a relationship with someone who has unhealed traumas from the codependent stage of development. You may even have unhealed traumas from each of these developmental stages.

Frequently they have poor social and emotional skills, are afraid to get close to others, and avoid intimate situations as much as possible. They also create a lot of defenses to prevent anyone from seeing their secret weaknesses, neediness and vulnerability. In short, they put on a good front to prove that they are okay and do not need anything from anyone. These defensive tactics create feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a sense of “quiet desperation.”

Interesting.

This is my H, I am more on the codependent side of things. Gosh what a pair, no wonder things were up and down.

[honour]

Does this make me co-dependent and is this a bad thing?

This is a good question and one I've asked myself too. To be honest I'm not sure what co-dependency is because what you have written here sounds like an emotionally healthy human:

But I enjoy hanging out with my wife/partner/girlfriend.  I enjoy dining out.  I enjoy reading books together and then discussing our thoughts.  I enjoy talking on the phone half the night if we're apart.  I enjoy late night conversations while listening to the quiet storm.  I just enjoy being with that other person. 

whereas the following sounds like an emotionally unhealthy human:

We're not divorced yet!  She hasn't even filed.  She's never told me she is going by her maiden name, she just changed her facebook username and email address without ever saying anything. 

a fellow student that didn't know her asked for her name and when she responded he looked at me and asked, "Is she your better half?".  I said, "Yes" and she turned around and said loudly, "We're EXES.  We decided to be exes!"  I said, "No, WE didn't decide that."  She said, "Well I decided it then."  Then she chased me down the stairs talking about some separation agreement she hasn't even finalized yet.

She stashed cash behind my back, was secretive, abusive and abandoned me before she moved out. 

Am I crazy or is she crazy?

You are not crazy.

The stuff I'm seeing from my W can't be explained or understood.  It makes me think I'm the one that needs to be locked in a padded cell

The doubting of your own sanity is a not uncommon consequence for emotionally healthy, empathetic people who have been subject to narcissistic or psychopathic manipulation and abuse. I would guess that after BD the majority of us on this forum at one time or another felt like we were going mad and asked your question, "am I crazy or is she/he crazy?" It is especially difficult for the LBS who have been subject to monster, to lies, to repeatedly being told how bad they are and for those who have had their good name and reputation cruelly smeared in their community by a crazy spouse and those who believe them.


You are not crazy, DaRealist.

[in it]

Am I crazy or is she crazy?
You are not crazy.

Quote
The stuff I'm seeing from my W can't be explained or understood.  It makes me think I'm the one that needs to be locked in a padded cell
The doubting of your own sanity is a not uncommon consequence for emotionally healthy, empathetic people who have been subject to narcissistic or psychopathic manipulation and abuse. I would guess that after BD the majority of us on this forum at one time or another felt like we were going mad and asked your question, "am I crazy or is she/he crazy?" It is especially difficult for the LBS who have been subject to monster, to lies, to repeatedly being told how bad they are and for those who have had their good name and reputation cruelly smeared in their community by a crazy spouse and those who believe them.


You are not crazy, DaRealist.

honour,

 You have no idea how much comfort it gives me to read this part of your post.
 
those four words right now mean more to me than those "three little words" do.
Put those four words on your bathroom mirror.

                                     YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

[Mermaid]

My understanding of what is meant by codependency is, I believe, different than what I am hearing a lot of on this forum.

First of all, it is not a dirty word.  It has been used as a synonym for a lot of really bad things that have no business being compared to it.  If you are a normal, caring, loving person, chances are that you are codependent.  Codependency is simply the phenomenon of being affected emotionally by someone else's behavior.  Usually that behavior is cruel, insensitive, unhealthy, demeaning, abusive and addictive.

I do not tell anything to anyone on this forum that I do not tell myself every day.  I am codependent, and so is pretty much everyone on this forum.  It is not the worst thing for someone to be.  The problem with it is any time you are controlled emotionally by someone else, you are going to be hurt.  It is not the best way to take care of yourself.  That's why we all hear so much about detachment.  We must detach.  Detachment has nothing to do with not loving.  We must not obsess over another's behavior.  Yes, obsess.  I still think constantly about my x if I don't have something else to occupy my mind.  I hope that will lesson in time.

It's really hard to detach from someone you love.  But it is the only way we have to move forward in our own growth.  We must make ourselves dependent on God and God alone for our happiness, security, identity and fulfillment.  I know that xyz knows all of this and that she is a shining example of how to move forward in her life without her beloved MLCer.  I just see her enduring too much pain at the hands of her addictive (work) H.  The 12 step program for spouses of addicts is a helpful program.  I think we are all the spouses of addictive behavior.....the mishandling of a normal life transition (midlife) by people who have difficulty reaching into themselves to solve their problems.  They would rather blame it all on us or some other external thing.

Here's to all us codependents.  I love us all.

Twilight- How eloquent and so on target your comments are about codependency are.  I agree totally!  I have been struggling with this idea of codependency being a bad thing.  I am fairly new on this forum (2 1/2 months) and I get that in our cases with MLCers we must detach, but in God's perfect plan there would be no detachment.  Reading your comments made me understand more why I am having a hard time detaching- because it is not the NORM in a marriage!  God's plan is that 2 become one; however, for our emotional sanity we are having to go against that and detach.  Thank you for helping me understand clearly why this is so hard for me.

Codependency is not the same as normal caring behaviour. A codependent person needs other people's approval for his/her self esteem, enables the pathological (addictive/ narcisistic) behaviour of the other, needs to help people in order to have self esteem and feels resentful if the others don't need her/ him (so it's not pure altruism). Codependents doubt their own abilities, can't express their own thoughts and feelings easily, but can fly into disproportionate rages. They take responsibility for other people's mistakes, whether through feeling guilty or protecting the other from the consequences of their actions, and has a hard time trusting people.

No, we're not all codependent. We may recognise that we do too much for others (which is not good for them or us), and have the occasional trait, but unless the above description fits you, you are not codependent. It's not healthy behaviour, or Christian, or loving or compassionate. It's needy and dysfunctional, and doesn't let the other people around grow either. There's nothing good about it.

If you think you really are codependent, don't be afraid. Losing this trait will let you grow as MORE caring, compassionate people.