[Songanddance]

I did the quiz you uploaded and answered it twice - first time how I was before therapy and the second time after and my therapy.

Interestingly I had "significant co-dependency tendencies" both times and yet I deliberately answered half of the questions in the opposite manner ie true when earlier I had put false.
Just curious about the genuineness of the quiz.
That aside though it was fascinating to see how much I have begun to change and remove some of my co-dependency self labelling.

Still a long way to go.

However I would not dream of answering for my H - I am not his mind reader and now realise that after 27 years, I still don't know him.

[Mermaid]

Hi,

I've just taken the test, and even when all my answers are assertive/ independent etc., the result was still "you may struggle a little with codependent tendencies, but you may not be strongly rooted in this behavior."

But if you answered true or always to more than two or three, it will say you have significant codependency issues.

Better still, if you scroll down on the first page, it gives a list of codependency traits, so you can assess yourself:

• Confusion between love and pity; they love those they think they can rescue or pity
  Constantly attempting to do more than their share
  Exaggerating their responsibility for what other people do
  Difficulty with intimate relationships and moral boundaries
  Lack of trust; both in themselves and other people
  Fragile feelings that are hurt whenever their efforts aren’t recognized
  Dependence on at least one relationship, which they will do almost anything conceivable to keep
  Unhealthy need for recognition or approval
  Needing to control others
  Difficulty in making decisions
  Feeling guilty for asserting themselves
  Problems with communication
  Consistent anger and/or difficulty expressing it
  Inability to adjust to change
  Fearful of being alone or abandoned
  Problems with understanding basic feelings
  Low self-esteem
  Obsession for someone else
  The need to be a caretaker
  Chronic lying and deception
  Dependency on someone else for their own needs
  Depression
  Denial
  Procrastination
  Anxiety
  Repression of personal needs
  Perfectionism
  Compulsive talking
  Dependency on over-possessive relationships

[scooby]

I read the same book and learned a ton.  The trick is for me to fix it, so my kids don't make same errors and me in future r.

prayers and hugs

[StillStanding]

I read the same book and learned a ton.  The trick is for me to fix it, so my kids don't make same errors and me in future r.

Here's a good (if unintentional) example; dealing with codependency issues should for your benefit, so you can be a happier, healthier person.

It's not unusual for parents to set aside their own needs and desires. Not everything you do (or don't do) has to be a lesson or a model for your children.

[Mermaid]

I read the same book and learned a ton.  The trick is for me to fix it, so my kids don't make same errors and me in future r.

Here's a good (if unintentional) example; dealing with codependency issues should for your benefit, so you can be a happier, healthier person.

It's not unusual for parents to set aside their own needs and desires. Not everything you do (or don't do) has to be a lesson or a model for your children.

By having a balance of compassion for others and healthy self-interest, we will be models for our children naturally.

[StillStanding]

It's not unusual for parents to set aside their own needs and desires. Not everything you do (or don't do) has to be a lesson or a model for your children.

By having a balance of compassion for others and healthy self-interest, we will be models for our children naturally.

Exactly. Your kids may choose not to follow your example, or learn the wrong lessons, but that doesn't mean you were a failure as a parent.

[scooby]

I just feel like a lot is on my shoulders as a parent BC scrappy is never coming out of la la land.  That is why I am choosing after the d for kids and me to live with family.  My kids need to see a healthy family unit, as they have not ever seen it with me and h.

[StillStanding]

I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for the benefit of your kids or that your needs trump theirs. But your health and your needs are important, too. You need to have interests and relationships that are healthy and fulfilling for you, and they should be because you want them.

According to my wife, my MIL managed to isolate herself from all of her friends over the years because she didn't make time for them when they wanted to do things with her. There were always sports practices, church activities, or homework to help the kids with. I can say from experience: if you keep being told that someone is too busy to spend time with you, you will eventually stop asking because if they keep telling you over and over again that they're too busy, they're telling you that they do not value that relationship.

My wife says my MIL becomes a different person the rare times she manages to reconnect with old friends (who live on the other side of the country) at weddings or other major events; she's happy and relaxed. Now that all of her kids are out of the house, she doesn't know what to do with herself. Heck, she and my FIL could actually move to be closer to these friends and to get away from extended family drama, but she chooses not to for some reason.

Looking back, I see that you did say that it's important for you in future relationships as well as for your kids. So I'm sorry if I came across as more antagonistic than I intended.

[scooby]

I think everyone here is more kid sensitive than the average person.  We have to be BC we end up being both parents.  I feel bad that my kids have never lived with a healthy R, just like Scrappy.  Now I am going to make it right and let them be with a couple that have had a 52 year marriage with ups and downs.  They work together as a unit and solve issues as a family.