[in it]

I've done some more reading and a healthy relationship isn't considered co-dependant at all it's interdependent. Just a change of term..not what needs to be done which IS finding ourselves.

Many Mlcer's identify so closely with the LBS they really wreck themselves when the crisis hits.

[in it]

http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships?gclid=CMHB8crY4roCFallOgodeDcAoA

The relationship I was in lacked a lot of the following things.

 Maybe the curse of a long term relationship is co-dependency.

The relationship loses balance.

[Medusa]

I am co-dependent: Adult Child of Alcoholics. My H probably is, too.

A week or so ago I was turned on to the book Co-Dependent No More (M. Beattie). I had my mouth hanging open more than I care to admit. I realize how co-dependent I am/was and I believe H is even worse. But this book is helping me to break free from many of my destructive behaviors. Equally important, I recognize the strange dance that occurs in a co-dependent relationship as both parties work to maintain the status quo. I'm changing the dance steps. He can try and keep up if he wants. What matters, though, is that I now can identify how he's pushing my buttons and, thus, can react with knowledge instead of pure emotion.

And that, my friends, is extraordinarily liberating! 

[Thunder]

I was just reading an article on Avoidance Personality Disorder and it fit my x to a T.
He has Social Anxiety, keeps to himself, avoids social events, has no friends, does solo activities (running, walks in the woods,etc.) and he is very co-dependant.  Maybe we both are.  I don't know.

His father was an abusive, alcoholic.  My x ended up being an alcoholic, also.  But hasn't drank now for 26 years.

I guess it makes sense he would end up going into a crisis at midlife.  Seeds were planted early in his life.

I just pray he finds himself and can work this out for himself.  He's a very good person.  Just lost his way.
I do see a alot of improvement over the last 6 months.

It will be 3 years in January when he dropped the B, but I expect it started about 6 years ago. 

Thanks for the article! 

[DaRealist]

Equally important, I recognize the strange dance that occurs in a co-dependent relationship as both parties work to maintain the status quo. I'm changing the dance steps. He can try and keep up if he wants. What matters, though, is that I now can identify how he's pushing my buttons and, thus, can react with knowledge instead of pure emotion.

Is this why it feels like my W's goal in life is to torture me?   I really don't understand the co-dependency angle.  She already has my attention, why continue to push my buttons (torture me)?  When I pursued, she tortured me.  Now that I'm distancing, she is following me around to torture me.  What is her goal?  Did the book explain this?  I want her to leave me alone, but she won't.  She won't stop texting, she follows me to church every Sunday, she keeps the children on the phone with her when they're with me, etc...  Is this her strange way of showing that she still loves me?

[in it]

DaRealist- have you ever asked her not to?

 I mean don't ask her why she's doing what she does...just make a simple request not to?

She may lack boundaries with you if you interpret what's happening as torture.

[DaRealist]

DaRealist- have you ever asked her not to?

Yes, in a round-about way.  But she's smart enough to only text me about the children.  And I can't in good conscience ask her not to come to church.

So why is that torture?  Because when she texts me, her signature shows her maiden name, which she knows I'll see.  Or when she comes to church, she'll make it known to everyone that we're not together.  She made such a scene last Sunday I was totally embarrassed.  Or when she talks to D9 when I have the kids, she'll make it a point to tell her that she loves and misses her and to make sure she tells S4 how much she misses him, obviously leaving someone (me, me, me) out.

[toughtimes]

Da realist, my h does all that stuff with the kids. Of course he doesn't pay any attention to me though, I'm enemy no.1 right now. I don't take that personally if I can help it.

The church thing is very odd, she's really trying very hard to prove a point isn't she. Did you tell her behaviour was embarrassing? I think you could try and lay down a few clear boundaries if you are finding her behaviour torturous.

[honour]

Is this why it feels like my W's goal in life is to torture me?   I really don't understand the co-dependency angle.  She already has my attention, why continue to push my buttons (torture me)?  When I pursued, she tortured me.  Now that I'm distancing, she is following me around to torture me.  What is her goal?  Did the book explain this?  I want her to leave me alone, but she won't. She won't stop texting, she follows me to church every Sunday, she keeps the children on the phone with her when they're with me, etc...  Is this her strange way of showing that she still loves me?

If it feels like torture then it is torture. She is torturing you.
If you'll permit me I'll rephrase your question: "Is she torturing me because she loves me?" The answer is, she is torturing you because she CAN and because she WANTS to. She is deriving a perverse satisfaction from torturing you. It is not love.

You ask:

Is this her strange way of showing that she still loves me?

No, it is her strange way of abusing you. Loving people do not play cruel mind games. Love is patient, love is kind. Is your W treating you with patient kindness?

It is difficult for you because the abuse is covert. Going to your church, texting a lot, keeping the kids on the phone during your time with them, doesn't sound like abuse to most people, so it leaves you confused, sometimes doubting your own sanity and doubting whether anyone would believe you are being tortured/emotionally abused.

You want her to leave you alone? If she does not respond agreeably to a polite request that she leave you alone then there may be no other way than to take evasive action.

Attend a different church. Change your mobile phone number so you can't receive texts from her or block her from texting if that is possible. If she needs to communicate with you regarding the children she can do so by a telephone call. You can choose whether or not to answer or she can leave a message to which reply to in your own time after having thought about what your most appropriate response will be.

Good luck.

[in it]

The church thing is tough...I don't think I'd be able to change churches if her behavior is this "off balance" then maybe she would just follow you to the next one.

And to give up your church do to this? Is a little over the top IMHO.

You being embarrassed it what you may have to get passed..I assume everyone knows the divorce happened and if she's "acting out" it just makes HER look ridiculous. Ignore her and this..no audience no behavior she may become bored and just stop.


Change your mobile phone number so you can't receive texts from her or block her from texting if that is possible. If she needs to communicate with you regarding the children she can do so by a telephone call. You can choose whether or not to answer or she can leave a message to which reply to in your own time after having thought about what your most appropriate response will be.

I agree with the rest of this.