[in it]

Interdependent is a word that's used for a healthy relationship if you Google it it should come up with an example.

Ex used to get so freaked out if our voices in a Restaurant would go above a normal tone. No excitement please..no laughing out loud. Hands in laps- everybody behave.

For my d20's 18th birthday I took her and d17 (then 14) to a really nice restaurant to celebrate.

I told the waitress on the side about her "special Birthday".

 After dinner they brought her a piece of cake with a candle and a quartet of waitresses sang happy Birthday-in fact the whole restaurant  joined in.

The look on her face was PRICELESS! She LOVED it. I sat and laughed out loud all the way through it.

The ex would have been HORRIFIED at such joy being expressed in public that loudly..and that the attention would have been at a table HE happened to be sitting at! My, my how un-proper! 

This is a normal healthy way to celebrate a birthday.

What your W is doing is inexcusable as an adult in a place of worship. The behavior can only be ignored by you. 

You can not appeal to her sense of what "acceptable" is as that will probably only lead to more outrageous behavior because she knows she's pushing your buttons.

[in it]

Here's the article it was on this thread back a couple of pages

http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships?gclid=CMHB8crY4roCFallOgodeDcAoA

[LoveMeMyself]

I have a question that perhaps someone could answer.  I haven't fully read the article so perhaps I do not comprehend the full meaning of codependency.  So, here's my question:  Is it possible for another person to cause and/or influence someone to become codependent?  My ex was married prior to me....for nearly 12 years.  They never had any children.  From the stories my ex told me about his first wife I gathered she was a selfish, spoiled, high-maintenance woman.  For example: He wanted to purchase a cologne for himself but she didn't like the fragrance and told him to purchase another one that she liked.  He refused so she went outside the store and cried.  He said she acted like that all the time...pitched her little temper tantrums.  He said he stayed with her to try to make it work......he did everything to please her.  I do not think he realized the damage he was creating for himself by ignoring his feelings, thoughts, needs, etc. by catering to hers.  When he left me he told me he read the book, "Codependent No More".  He said he felt like he could only be happy by making others happy.  He said when he no longer received the feelings of happiness from me is when he started dealing with his issues and demons.  He had OW#1 working with him and she started fueling his "happiness". 

Just curious if another person can contribute to this type of issue (codependency) by their behavior.

[in it]

His exwife sounds like a manipulator to me.Usually they are very materialistic people.

Someone who gets what they want by acting a certain way and playing on someone elses guilt, self worth, and sense of self.

These ow are manipulators and will twist anything they can to get what they want in the end. Games is thier first and only thing they know.

Usually their true colors show through and the codependent realizes they've been taken for a ride by someone who has no real emotion for them. All he may be getting from her is a feigned sense of TRUE love mean time she may be taking him for a financial ride.

[CallanG]

Wow , the article was a bit of an eye opener . It applies very much to my H and could explain why he keep saying " that he has lived his love to please others " .

Callan
xx

[in it]

Exactly..and although that does give the co-pendent as sense of belonging and "self" if not the person's true nature? Giving and not expecting something back?

They become very unhappy and discontent.

I never really expected anything in return I gave for the sheer joy it gave me to do so..I think I may have been taken a little bit for granted due to my giving nature.

I thought just maybe he would recognize just how much I had done or was doing to make life easier for him..I didn't think about me. Maybe express a little appreciation?

But if I wanted something it was always a fight..never a discussion or what I might need or want..materially or emotionally.

So as long as I kept my mouth shut everything was just fine. Never wanted my opinion or anything else. If I was agreeing with him that was fine but if I had thought about something longer than him and had come up with a different or better solution..forget it! He was ALWAYS RIGHT.

Actually he never thought I had an original thought of my own he always felt I was being influenced by someone else..or a book I had read or whatever..

I remember crying one day trying to tell him how I felt way before BD.

 He stood there and screamed at me "That doesn't make any sense!!" So I screamed back at him "That's why they call them FEELINGS! They don't make sense".

I'm just so glad I don't have to deal with him anymore. My self worth isn't tied up in someone who is so dismissive of how I feel.

[CallanG]

My H has certainly built up a lot of resent and anger toward me and it seems his family . It frustrates me so much that I always asked him how he felt or if he was okay with something and all the time he never gave me his true feelings and then resents me .

H was always quite forceful and arrogant and liked to get his way on day to day things like the dog being allowed on the sofa or how something was done in the house  and if he wanted to go out with his mates he would do whatever he wanted , in fact when his mother was talking about him a while back she said she had always felt that he was quite selfish .

When he started saying all this " I have lived me life to please others everyone was quite stumped because he pretty mush pleased himself and I was never one to stop him doing things that he enjoyed , but now I can see that he was forceful on what I would call day to day life issues but not forceful with his feelings and now he resents me for not guessing how he really felt .

He also looked to me for his happiness so I can see that when depression set in his natural feeling would be to blame me because no matter what I did it was not making him happy anymore so obviously I had to go .

What is so ironic is that he was always so accomplished and always made me feel safe , but it seems that I am the strong one , but what ever I do at the moment is wrong so the best thing is to do nothing at all .

[in it]

Yep- when in doubt do NOTHING. He'll sort himself out or he won't.

Nobody is a mind reader..he may have kept sacrificing thinking you'd catch on somehow?? I don't know. Even though it didn't appear that way to you- he did what he wanted to do.

It comes down to communicating and feeling vulnerable to let someone know how you feel. IMHO He wasn't going to do that..you were supposed to be a mind reader.

There's no making them happy; it's not your job...it's hard to let go but you have to for your own sanity.

[CallanG]

Thanks init, I suddenly realised last night in IC that he has been thinking that his happiness was my responsibility , and that he feels let down by me and probably his parents because now he is unhappy .


Callan
xx

[DaRealist]

Thanks init, I suddenly realised last night in IC that he has been thinking that his happiness was my responsibility , and that he feels let down by me and probably his parents because now he is unhappy .


Callan
xx

I came to this realization, too.   And I realize that I felt responsible for her happiness too!  That's why I jumped through so many hoops after BD.   Maybe that's where the codependency was.   I wanted to protect her and make her happy.