[PatienceGalore]

Albatross, I really get a lot out of what you say.
To quote: "She is conflict avoider, idealist, codependent and without well defined identity. Generally rigid people. They simply can't keep up like that anymore. They see self as victims. "Nice boys and nice girls". They are control freaks which wanna be world savers. And when they start to lose control over life, people to which they care they become nuts. My SO accuse me that I change since we meet, LOL. I said that I change self for sure but my essence is the same." My h is a conflict avoider, always has been. he HAYES when I bring up us, but at the same time I feel stuck, because not bringing up this makes any meeting really fake and tense, and that is a cycle, because tension means he runs away, and avoids more problems.
At the moment he is in a very bad state emotionally, and I suspect he blames me for some of that, though he knows he himself is responsible for the mess we are in. I told him today to "leave it alone, not to feel pushed by anyone to make a decision, as he is clearly not ready. I said a decision will naturally come when you are ready". Was I wrong to say that?

[Albatross]

I really don't know, but I don't talk about her with her neither talk about myself with her.  I just live life and talk about everything else with her. ON that way things with her become more and more better after we talk about our marriage in February. But as I said we remain distanced as we become in February. Nevertheless, I think that will be on that way in case that I did not talk about it with her.

[Thundarr]

Hi Al,

Just wanted to say that I really like your summation of MLCers and what drives them.  My XW has never really stood for anything since "Free Tibet" in the 80s until BD when she suddenly took up a number of causes.  Latest is animal rights.  It wouldn't be bad if she actually did something productive for those causes, but Replay is about destruction and not construction.  I also agree with why high-energy Replayers become so, and it fits XW to a T.

Peace to you, brother.

[Albatross]

Hi Al,

Just wanted to say that I really like your summation of MLCers and what drives them.  My XW has never really stood for anything since "Free Tibet" in the 80s until BD when she suddenly took up a number of causes.  Latest is animal rights.  It wouldn't be bad if she actually did something productive for those causes, but Replay is about destruction and not construction.  I also agree with why high-energy Replayers become so, and it fits XW to a T.

Peace to you, brother.

You remind me about huge change with my SO last year. She always agree about most things out of our relationship, but in year 2012. she vote NO for entering in EU, that was shock to me. With who I living ? Also she was very argumentative and temperament about gay population, which never before mention. Also she start to comment everything what happening around us and stick with own opinion. Before she agree mostly with mine.

[PatienceGalore]

Maybe that is a sign MLCers want to feel they matter, they have an opinion and they want to distance themselves from the person they accuse them of controlling them? Just a thought.

[31andcounting]

PatienceGalore, I agree...My H made such a point about "not being heard..his opinion didn't matter"  He did everything he could to show he could do for himself and that no-one would control him.  Funny thing is I never wanted to control him...So weird how things play out and if we only knew then what we see now
31

[Albatross]

They simply cannot stand conflict avoidance anymore if You ask me.

[Searching4Answers]

About middle life transition and middle life crisis. I think that some people never goes from MLT, because they change self dynamically in time, change perspective, goals, expectations or people which reach goals and define new ones, generally people who change self dynamically in time - well balanced people.
People who don't change self dynamically in time or people which does not reach ever expectations, goals, dreams realize that they will never reach them, because they going anyway downhill. They will hit MLT.

And those who collapse are people which never being well balanced, have no identity, codependent people, people who have FFO issues. People who have great gap between persona and ego. Rigid people, who wont change and expect that world accommodate to  them - idealists, people which have blown up superego. Conflict avoiders.

My wife does not change self at all since years 16, her words. She is conflict avoider, idealist, codependent and without well defined identity. Generally rigid people. They simply can't keep up like that anymore. They see self as victims. "Nice boys and nice girls". They are control freaks which wanna be world savers. And when they start to lose control over life, people to which they care they become nuts. My SO accuse me that I change since we meet, LOL. I said that I change self for sure but my essence is the same. True is that I sink in depression because she sinks since 2007. Now I wake up and never will be dependent with anyone. In 25 years is normal that both spouses become codependent, but not totally. Will be not normal being in marriage as totally independent.

And finally those people must change, and they still refuse to change and change is imminent.

They don't run from us, they run from self.

This post is really intriguing  My H has not really changed much in the 16 years we have been together. Seemed happy to just be the same; I guess that is what got us here. Now he can't change fast enough.

So far I can identify my self in her world = True empathy she does not love her self, so it is impossible to love anyone. They withdraw from real life, go into self and that is natural state for them, solving own problems, depression. IMO they cannot in such state love self, so how can they love anyone else ? When shadow merge with ego, person become balanced. But how I get it, it is like two chemicals which react between meet, and then something which was divided many years now react and produce huge energy, explosion. That is the reason why they start to run from self. They are scared to death, WTF is happening to me ? They have million questions, and no answers. So they start to seek answers.

I have been thinking this way for sometime now. How can a person so selfish and self-absorbed have any feelings for anyone. My H tells me all the time that he loves me; is that just projection of him wanting to be loved by me?

Thank you for this post  I am anxious to see the discussions it brings about.

[Albatross]

Maybe he is scared and codependent and afraid to lose  You, so he lie that love You. IMO, MLCers can't love anyone. They equalize love and infatuation. My wife had sex with me whole year 2012. and she was emotionally detached. She obviously clinging to me and was scared to lose me.

[Searching4Answers]

Maybe he is scared and codependent and afraid to lose  You, so he lie that love You. IMO, MLCers can't love anyone. They equalize love and infatuation. My wife had sex with me whole year 2012. and she was emotionally detached. She obviously clinging to me and was scared to lose me.

He is definitely afraid of losing me and I agree that they can't love anyone; he is also a clinger