[hawk]

Not to mention the fact she has "my" daughter 6nights a wk so this is just a day or 2 of to her.
Or the fact that l have to go and visit what was my family , over at her new rental and , that l see 12 red roses beside her bed.

Maybe l've been a fool about all this because really , does nice , does helpful with all our left over crap that she dumped us in , does being a dream co parent , all really cut it , with whast this has done , she's done . What does that deserve in all this ?

[in it]

And then so one day she says to me - What's all this Jeckle and Hyde stuff - she couldn't even get the emotional turmoil and roller coaster heartbreak she'd thrown me into. Apparently l should be all smooth and happy .

Again it's hard for us to wrap our brain around the fact they were gone WAY BEFORE BD if they ever were really connected at all.

Yes they EXPECT us to be all smooth and happy.

The ex called me 3 months after the divorce was final at Christmas and said " I thought you'd be over this by now"

I probably would have been had he left me ALONE. AND if I had a CLUE he was working on being that emotionally detached he could have at least let me in on it as I would have worked on it also.

It was my oldest D (who was 17 at the time) who carried on so much that it made it hard for me to keep my head above water. I'm not blaming her- again I had so much empathy for what she was trying to do dealing with him I was sucked in also.

Now your D is 12 and the situation sucks no doubt. I'm a child of divorce but I was 4 when it happened so not as traumatic. I was used to having two places to live by the time I was that age.

Listen to me you need to grieve this as much as possible when you are alone and don't feel it's "unmanly" to cry in front of her. It can form a deep bond between you. Tell her how much you miss her-don't focus at all on the ex or what she's done.

Leave the door open for her to talk to you whenever she needs to. If you can't get stronger for yourself right now? Get stronger for her.

I used to love doing simple things with him. Home made root beer floats-TV dinners-car rides- I never cared what we did as long as I was with him.

Don't be surprised if at some point in time she might want to come live with you. I lived with my dad quite a few times.

Don't tell your Ex anything. Not about kik or anything else it's none of her business anymore.

And stay out of her apt and you won't see roses or anything else.

Go as dark as you can.

[in it]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h86jYwjroow

Good video on youtube , more on the right hand side of the page

[hawk]

You think init , you could well be right. Hard to know how else to work seeing d wknights though without going in. She's had a huge 12 mths , new yr at school , wkends and holidays here, she's often tired so dragging her out 2 nights a wks will just be more on her.

How did your d go off , what was she doing ?

But then going in, ex all happy happy , like l'm a visitor, oblivious, feels so wrong. Far better than the nightmares some deal with l know but hard.
l haven't been able to let it out too much with mine because l might totally cave and if that happened it will scare her, be too much. She needs me in this .
But we have cuddled for hours many times earlier , no words and just been upset.

l've coped with so much. Our house was a very run down 1ac you see , we were all doing up as a family . So it's been hell here alone without them , not to mention the workload. Then our debts , constant wolves at the door , phone calls, keeping my business afloat, debts , l've done so much.
But if l miss a call with d , that's what really throws me these days , l slip badly even if l've been fine before. And as they develop more and more life over there without dad , it throws it in your face you know.
But l have been grieving it , l don't block it like some , l just allow myself to feel whatever l feel within reason. We had true love for 16yrs of it though , then my d , takes time. lots of waves.
But yeah with the new year l've been planning on working d into us getting out and we'll go somewhere l'm hoping. Often don't have the money either so that's anothery .

Hopefully the house is sold and d and l have chosen a new area , yep l'm hoping she might come live there for awhile later. It's still easy for school and stuff , see what happens. But hey , gettin use to my freedom to so 

Yeah l effed up with kik as d and l were working on it there one night. PS , we got it going last night , l'm that exited . No more days on end trying to get her or going through ex.

[in it]

No more days on end trying to get her or going through ex.

GOOD! A direct open line of contact without the ex. THAT SHOULD HELP a lot!!

My D suffered greatly, sleepless nights, crying, so stressed she wet the bed once. This same thing happened to me in my childhood and it was like I relived the nightmare all over again watching her. EXTREMELY traumatic for the two of us.

We both shared the grief of the loss of the family the first time around this last BD she sided with her father to get rid of me.

 I was the problem because I FEEL and had a hard time letting go of stuff he wanted to stick his head in the sand over. So they diagnosed me as crazy and had me hauled away. Technically kicked out.

I agree your grief would scare her too much. You need to let a lot more of it out alone.

IMHO You are not strong enough yet to go over there and spend time, Do not worry about losing your D over a couple of hours a couple of days! Talk to her about this and tell her or work on yourself to take two weeks off from that and focus on getting stronger then going to the house shouldn't effect you to badly.

There are lots of free things to do with your daughter.

Did you say the roses where on the ex's nightstand? Were you in her bedroom?

[hawk]

Although , the fine print with my ex gets confusing.
1 , she's been a nurse carer for 20 yrs. And even in our darkest hours she always remained perky for us , that's been her job so long and what she may be putting across for my d and for me. That's what she does.
Even through early menopausing and slipping into deep depression, she didn't show us, you wouldn't even know..

The other thing is , she has sent me long textes in the middle of the night about her guilt , pain in what it's done to me and d, how hard it has been to do this and lots lots more .

So these factors have been huge too for me and the fact that l hurt her deeply , while she was going through that you see too.

[in it]

I understand that you were not there when she needed you. Hindsight is 20/20 BUT if she had been able to communicate all of that? Felt safe expressing herself to you? It still can't be said this still would have happened. Nobody's a mind reader.

Her depression was COVERT.

Being a nurse IMHO she's a caregiver and unless she did it for just a paycheck? She has been deeply hurt.

It's still no excuse to bring a third party in to destroy the marriage. That was a CHOICE.

The ex wasn't there for me either when I had a mental breakdown from taking a medicine. And has used that to base all of his claims that I'm the one who's crazy. I needed him very badly then and he simply ignored the condition I was in.

Now if you are going into her bedroom? Stay out of there.

[in it]

http://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-you-are-verbally-abused-part-ii/00015271

Tips on verbal abuse

(((HUGS)))

[hawk]

Yeah l agree on the 3rd party but she thought l was having an affair so, l dunno.
Why couldn't l just have a cut and dry wife took off thing 
Don't worry , l peaked into the b/r from the lounge 

Sorry about your h and sitch in , sounds like h wanted an escape hatch regardless .

[in it]

NO peeking unless you are interested in more pain. If she thought you were having an affair then communication was already lacking.

Folks who have vanishers struggle also; but sometimes I would think it's easier to deal with that instead of the drama and games and verbal abuse..

Yep and he got his escape hatch. I draw a line at physical violence. And with this jerk? I should have gone NC at first BD. He's not the typical MLC.