[Blindsided13]

Just joining, I am going NC or at least Dark, since kids are involved. I am lucky in a way, he doesn't want to contact me, it is difficult not emailing/texting, but so far I am doing ok, trying to stay busy, and work on me. I love my H, but I have no clue who this thing is in his shell, there is nothing of the man I love there. Just venom and spew. I hope the NC will take care of me getting hurt, and keep me out of the line of fire. Hopefully he can target the OW. IN IT thanks for starting this thread!

[in it]

Your welcome. I know some people are against it but everyone's different and I respect that. But if you have tried everything else? It's time to protect yourself.

Your post just reminded me of the movie Men in Black..If you never seen it it's really funny.

The part where this cockroach alien kills this farmer and puts on his skin like a suit the wife describes as an "Edger suit?" That's what you are dealing with.

But the guy was a real prick to her to begin with so the cockroach did her a favor IMHO. She had NO self esteem.

Now NC will protect you from being a target of spewing and monster or any other manipulation he may have up his sleeve. AND possibly pave the way as you will have less emotional damage to get over.

FOCUS ON YOU.

[hawk]

Just joining the thread here (Init - will respond to your post on my thread in a sec - thanks for that)

Hawk - I understand what you are saying about ANY contact being better than none. My thoughts have also been that if there is NO contact, no spewing, no monster etc etc then how can we gauge the MLC journey??
Conversely I do also agree with you Init and it is something that I am beginning to realise...

In my situation No Contact has been the redeeming feature...
In the past I have ALWAYS held out the olive branch - appeased WAP, wanted to talk, wanted to work it out, wanted contact etc etc....BUT....this time, at BD - something inside me said NO MORE.....something said to me at BD - I can NOT be in contact with this man who can hurt myself and D in this way - who seems like an alien - who has not got our best interests at heart. I simply cannot do it....

Thanks Bell.  l've never chased or said one thing about what's happened , or squirmed or talked us or follow her round.
The only time we've both touched on it at all was in some late night text 6 mths back give or take .
l talk when she rings , if l have to ring we often talk a bit , or else when l go to see d through wk. But l'm always with d, not ex and if ex is around and is friendly or talky l just return it it in about whatever degree she is , that's about it really. And if there was any sh@t then l wouldn't even bother but there never has been.

But l hear what your saying and l too have struggled with the principal of even being nice to her , being there at all , what message does it give my d. l'be struggled with that so much.
But for my d's peace , l only ask her to come on wkends , l can't ask her to house hop more than that , l just can't.
So that's the only reason l've even set foot in the place really and so while l am l've used that time to just sorta see where we go but l do still struggle with it.
l was a huge part in our break up you see . l carelessly hurt ex very deeply and for 18mths she thought l was leaving her, having an affair , while - she was going through early menopause and in deep depression to you see , which she hid from me.
So l've also sorta made a lot of allowances for all that too bc l effed right up , big time. Because of that stuff l've wondered to if ex needs to see it from me you know , that l do care , won't give up.

But , l still struggle with how to handle it. There's the co parent thing which is no 1 and we're doing a great job with that , our debts and house to sort , joint money hassles l dunno.

l've been thinking l would leave until after Xmas and if there was no change then l'm staying away this yr and working something else out with d as it is long enough , lt's not helping me at all and l worry about all that stuff too.
Well from about 2wks ago , she seems to have done an about face herself and has this keeping her distance thing- maybe she had the same deadline as me haha.

[hawk]

l've used contact as a gauge feeler too , nothing to go on if you don't that's been my issue and l was hoping for R.
Before Christmas she was inviting me over any old time , making nice teas , really talky , showing me new clothes even arm and hand touches. A couple of late stays l actually thought she was turning and really seemed to enjoy us all together late at night again. The main reason this about face of hers is so weird, then the v day roses.

Well it looks like she might be also looking for a relationship- how many GIRLFRIENDS does she have?

What you just described to me was what women normally do with their GIRLFRIENDS. New clothes etc..if they weren't on her BODY? She's showing you these for your APPROVAL.

So if she got roses and they weren't from you on V Day? IMHO? uhmmm she's not ready for a real man and woman relationship.

Ahh , only a few clothes, no biggie, what about all the other stuff.. We were together 18yrs she always showed me stuff to see if l liked it.  Yeah she's has plenty of friends , l wouldn't make much of a gf    .

Anyway all that time was later last year , long before v-day.
Somethings happened since and yeah , those fkg flowers.
Obviously being anywhere near there since those well, lt's time.

[in it]

Yep- those flowers might just be a clue.

Girlfriends would buy flowers for me on special occasions because he didn't do it. And I loved that years ago.

[hawk]

But red roses , v day . Anyway a chick l was talking to reckoned they might even be just an admirer , there are things , so l've tried to just hang back on it for now .
See she reckoned the fact the ex is always home, even when l'm there which is a chance for her to get out is it not ?? Hell l would !
So where's the time to even see someone , she's home on wk/ends to when l have d.

[in it]

Who knows? Maybe she talks to him on the phone? Maybe they Skype. If no PA has been confirmed maybe it's an EA?

Maybe she bought them for herself because she wanted to drive you nuts.

UNTIL the TRUTH comes out you won't know for sure. So do what's best for you and don't drive yourself nuts worrying or thinking about it. I know it's HARD.

Focus on YOU.

[hawk]

Just joining, I am going NC or at least Dark, since kids are involved. I am lucky in a way, he doesn't want to contact me, it is difficult not emailing/texting, but so far I am doing ok, trying to stay busy, and work on me. I love my H, but I have no clue who this thing is in his shell, there is nothing of the man I love there. Just venom and spew. I hope the NC will take care of me getting hurt, and keep me out of the line of fire. Hopefully he can target the OW. IN IT thanks for starting this thread!

Hi Blindsided. l'm sorry your in this crap , like all of us.
Hoe does he see the kids then , that's my thing ? Luckily my ex isn't nasty in any way , a lot of the time it's as if we're still together just different houses , until l leave.
But it all feels insane none the less .

Mine chops and changes all the time too but in much more subtle ways. She just won't be as chatty sometimes or goes a bit 180ish like right now. Usually a wk or two late she's back to all talky and friendly again but she is always polite , no fighting , digs , snarls. We treat each other well especially around d.

But she's still a different person , l only see the girl l actually loved in glimpses.

l think if he doesn't want to be in touch , especially if it's nasty when he is , you've got no choice but to keep it down to just any business , kids and let him be.
You might get what l get and suddenly he's all talky again , l just go with that when it comes. When it passes as it always seems to , just go back to whatever but it's a train ride for sure.
Given the way he's being with you though right now , you've gotta look after you right now.

[in it]

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/emotionaldivorc.htm

This is somewhat of what happen to us in regards to our spouses or ex's and what preceded the BD etc. It's kind of simplistic but it may help.

There is lots of other info here also.

[Returned]

I am scheduled to see H tomorrow. Almost chickening out here. After all the last thing I want to do is see him if he is going to say cruel things to me. On the other hand I feel like how will I ever know when he is recovering if I never see him? A bit of a dilemma....

It has been 4 months since I last saw him...and he was very monstery at the time. Actually all the interactions I have had with him about 80 percent of the time he says something cruel to me...hmmmm......