[twilightzone]

PG

Good decision.  Remember.....do not feed the monster.  From what I have read on this forum, nothing you say or do will make any difference in his journey.  In fact, you will probably make it worse and he will take longer to process.  Anything that he is told that is contrary to what he is doing or wants to do he will rally against and avoid.

I know it is difficult but we all must try and do what we know is the best thing to do....not what our feelings make us want to do.

Hang in there and let him process on his own.

(((((hugs)))))

[PatienceGalore]

Twilightzone, thanks for that, because I nearly did send it just now, but I re-read the posts and I won't. I am leaving him alone, he looks so depressed and lonely at the moment, I actually feel sorry for him. I still totally adore him, but he needs to stay away from me and me from him! Have a lovely weekend all of you who read this wonderful thread. thanks Albatross. PG

[Beautiful Heart]

When nobody feed their monster, they will start to blame someone else, like OM/OW. That we, LBS want it in the first place. It is like on forums: "Do not feed trolls." You can rephrase it: "Do not feed monster."

How long will it usually take for them to blame someone else, OW I hope. My H has been out of the house since May. We have not spoken or seen each other, so how will I even know if this is or will happen? He spends a lot of time with OW, I suspect they were having EA for about a year, apparently PA started in February this year.  I'm not sure if they live together or not.

Thanks for your comments

[Albatross]

How long will it usually take for them to blame someone else, OW I hope. My H has been out of the house since May. We have not spoken or seen each other, so how will I even know if this is or will happen? He spends a lot of time with OW, I suspect they were having EA for about a year, apparently PA started in February this year.  I'm not sure if they live together or not.

Thanks for your comments

Exists people who learn looking how other make errors and learn, and exists people who only can learn from own errors. Teenagers by the rule can learn only from own errors. So, MLCers are like teenagers, that is the reason why You can't talk to them rational and "save" them from bad things which they do or wanna do. They have to learn from own errors. They run by pure emotions, ratio recognize only how they feel. Imagine that kind of world where people make decisions about problems by how they feel about specific problem ? They have turbulent emotions, means that they change opinions violently. So, they don't trust self, neither to others. In brief, they are lost, undecided and very defensive, stubborn.

[Moving Forward]

We have a new poster Lanzo so i have split this thread from his first post so that we can support him properly and this thread remains focussed on Reply!

Edit - I have moved some of the posts back from that thread as I believe they should stay here.
Let me know if any other posts are messages to Lanzo. - OldPilot

[PatienceGalore]

Exists people who learn looking how other make errors and learn, and exists people who only can learn from own errors. Teenagers by the rule can learn only from own errors. So, MLCers are like teenagers, that is the reason why You can't talk to them rational and "save" them from bad things which they do or wanna do. They have to learn from own errors. They run by pure emotions, ratio recognize only how they feel. Imagine that kind of world where people make decisions about problems by how they feel about specific problem ? They have turbulent emotions, means that they change opinions violently. So, they don't trust self, neither to others. In brief, they are lost, undecided and very defensive, stubborn.

This explains a lot, the stubbornness, especially when faced with what the "adults" believe is so rational, like who in their right minds would walk out on their family, when a few years back, if anyone had looked sideways at their children, or hurt their wives/husband, they would have jumped to their rescue. No accountability for their actions, whatsoever!

[Beautiful Heart]

Thank you for your reply Albatross & Patience, I appreciate it. I guess I better pop some popcorn, just sit back and wait to see what happens. For now, I hear the new couple is very happy! "Doing whatever they want"!
I never, in my whole life, would have thought H could be so SELFISH to leave his own family behind and go off with OW, have the time of his life, and never look back!! Replay at its best!!

[Albatross]

I never, in my whole life, would have thought H could be so SELFISH to leave his own family behind and go off with OW, have the time of his life, and never look back!! Replay at its best!!

Yep. That is hardest part... My wife was so moral and so ethical. So it is simple still unbelievable that she have EA with someone. And he is married !

[R]

I never, in my whole life, would have thought H could be so SELFISH to leave his own family behind and go off with OW, have the time of his life, and never look back!! Replay at its best!!

Yep. That is hardest part... My wife was so moral and so ethical. So it is simple still unbelievable that she have EA with someone. And he is married !

It seems a common theme.  Only 6 weeks before BD H was sounding off about his brother and his irresponsible behaviour (which I now believe also to be MLC).  His selfishness, his inability to consider his family and children, his playboy lifestyle, his depression... POT AND KETTLE!!

[StillHoping]

Thank you Albatross, for this thread.   I have been reading this thread with passion because it validates so many things I've read in "the 6 stages of MLC". 

Letting go, was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but, I had to learn to "let go", like every single person I talked to, had told me.

Last August, after 1 1/2 years of him being gone, I finally decided to let go.   Following advice,  I was always happy and cheerful when he was around, but believe me, I cried, every time I was by myself, yet, I followed the advice given to me and  never let him see my pain. I let him have his journey, as hard as it was.  It got easier, every day. I got stronger and stronger and started wondering why I was putting up with this in the first place.   The rose colored glasses finally came off. 

Last October, he texted me if I wanted him back, but that was all and nothing after that.  I had told him yes, I wanted him back. Then he stopped texting.  Maybe he was shocked, who knows. 

In January, this year, I finally learned to really "let go", it was my New Year's resolution, to never look back,  and there he goes again.  He wanted to talk, told me;  he had a tremendous amount of guilt for what he's done, told me he had closure now from OW.

I didn't believe it.  It was just a gut feeling.  After 25 years of living with him, I knew him like a book. I was right, he was still seeing her.  She lives out of state and he lied about his travels, to make a very long story short.  He used to comment on her Facebook and she used to put smiley faces next to his messages. Last time he traveled to see her was June, this year.   In July, one post from him, no smiley faces, no comments from him or her, since.  Maybe she's done with him, or he is done with her, who knows. 

Today, 2 1/2 years after he moved out and 3 1/2 years after his affair had started, he told me he wanted to talk to me next weekend.  His lease was up and things at work were going great, again,he was feeling so much better  and he wanted to talk to me about coming back home 

I had no words, just said ok and left it at that.  Now, that I finally learned to really let go and to just live my life......

He had never told me before when/if he renewed his lease, never once talked about coming home.  He came home most weekends for a couple hours, that was it.

We had a wonderful, happy marriage until he lost his mind.  "Letting go" was a hard road, but the best advice ever given to me.

We will see what happens next weekend.  I'll keep you posted.

Wish me luck!

Hope