[Medusa]

Brilliant thread! I'm attached!

Yesterday, I happened to find (while snooping) H's pro/con list between me and OW. Yes, he really wrote one. And this is why I still love that idiot.

Anyway, the TOP of her con list was "overwhelming" which I'm pretty sure is her neediness. Se broke up with him right after my mom suddenly passed, last month, because he was spending too much time with me. Umm....you get we are still married and that mo mother was part of his life for 31 years, right? Talk about narcissistic! Next was "financial instability" which I found enlightening as I believe she makes a lot more than me. H said recently when were discussing finances that I don't really spend all that much. Yeah...more narcissism for OW. But her pro list included that she makes him feel "special/unique". Duh! That's the anatomy of an affair! And she plans fun outings. And walks in the park. Huh. That strongly resembles the marriage I used to have!

Compared to my cons which included emotional instability (gee, you're having an affair, my mom dies unexpectedly, my dad's dementia is worse than I thought, and you wonder why I might do things like adopt a new hobby of crying?) and "hair". Yes. Hair. He hates that I am at the age where the hair grown hormone is working over time on my chin. Well, so do I. And that, my love, is why I spend our money on electrolysis. Not for you (even though you probably think that's why) but because it makes me feel more feminine. Hey, at least my cons are pretty minor and fixable, right? What cracked me up the most was my first pro: hands. He's said for years my hands are "magic". Next was that we've had 25 good years. Guess he either forgot we've been married 26 or is discounting the last one. It certainly hasn't been very good! I was very annoyed that my cooking was not listed as a pro. It should have been. But maybe he forgot I do that extraordinarily well since I've dropped so much weight thanks to MLC diet. And though my weight loss was included, couldn't he have included the great sex that has, in part, accompanied the weight loss? Its infrequent, but still.. (Dripping sarcasm. I do know the sex wasn't mentioned due to overwhelming guilt).

OW is definitely a damsel in distress, and H got sucked in. He told me once, when he said she knew he needed to "kill" that relationship that he couldn't bring himself to since she has medical issues. I very politely reminded him that Ive suffered with MS for 18 years. But hey, I guess he's just used to my problems and the fact that I flatly refuse to let a disease define me.

Interestingly, he never defined their relationship as "soul mates". He was clear that he believes we can love more than one person in our lifetime (no kidding!). Ad he was getting irritated with her when she was pissed that he told her he still loves me (I admit it, I nearly cheered when I heard that one! Not just his admission of love but because he rubbed it in her face, even if It was inadvertent).

Nope. Things aren't paradise. He told me that last week, just before he decided he wants to be here (for now). At least he realizes that part of it. I take it as a step in the right direction!

[in it]

This one the ex had pulled out all the stops also..said she had cancer whatever she could do to keep him all to herself.

Then when the next sucker dumped her she tried to convince him she was PREGNANT! Yep-52 and your pregnant...I'm sure stranger things have happened..funny she never gave birth to a baby.

The word LIE should be both of thier middle names...

[Anjae]

Have you ladies read RCR on the Affair down and why is OW/OM and affair down even if they are rich, pretty, have degrees, you name it?

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_dealing-with-infidelity_affair-down.html - Affair Down

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_dealing-with-infidelity_affair-down-advantage.html - The Affair Down Alienator is an Advantage

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_dealing-with-infidelity_what-makes-the-alienator-an-affair-down.html - What Makes the Alienator an Affair Down?

If not, read them. If so, re-read them. Lots of things will ring a bell.

[LettingGo]

This thread is to support what RCR writes in the Affair Down sucked. ... they are brilliant!

Hmmmmm.... let's see....ow expected last year to be "her" Christmas because "she's entitled" and husband led her on to believe he would be there even though his Mother was cunning from out of state. ... grabbed,  he did spend a few days before with her. ...to make up for not taKing care of her after her gallbladder surgery which he had promised to do....

First there was the surgery. ... then, her Mom was dying. ... them ow quit her job "because of you" .... husband calls her a complaint (pot, meet kettle!) And she complained about her job so much he said "quit then" so she did. .. and blames him! !!

If you saw strangers enmeshed this way you would want no part of it.... and you cannot reason with them about It... let God have it!

Night I commented "are you okay?  You seem a little cranky. .." and he replied "I'm okay,  but I AM cranky. ...I'm getting singer emotional blackmail Right now. .." oh...uhhhhhh....sorry?? If you will ZIP YOUR LIPS and stop being angry or bringing ow up you will take the target off your back and then the fun begins! !! It turns into a circular duRing squad if you aren't in the equation. 

[kikki]

Links to older threads:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1701.0
The alienator many questions contd
(some great information from Heartsblessing)

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1593.0
The alienator many questions

[ShineOn]

Thanks for the links, Anjae, I have read them but it was so helpful to read them again. I always learn something new or see something I overlooked the last time I read them.

I think the biggest thing is trusting the process and remembering that my W shows me what she wants me to see. Of course she's going to say they are happy and soul-mates. Why else would you be with someone? and she has to justify it somehow. and she has to stick to her story of absolutely never wanting me again.

But I know better thanks to all those who have been here before me and also because our friends tell me their relationship is not easy.

I have unique doubt sometimes because she's someone from our past and I think maybe it will work since they've been together before. But that's precisely why it won't work. All that stuff that RCR says about the OW being paranoid and worried that the MLCer will go back home... this OW2 came with it.

My task is to stay above their drama. It's tough because of D4 but I'm managing.

Thinking of them just as you would a teenager helps so much. Think about how you look at a teenager when they're being overly dramatic and, well, acting like a teenager. You have this ability to stay above their drama and see the situation for what it really is and you do that knowing they can't see what you see because they have teenager vision.

That's what helps me when my imagination starts to run away with me.

[panda]

How long does it take for the true colours to come through?  My H has been with OW for approx 15/16 months and has only just made the leap to live with her....makes me think they actually have something.

[serenity]

Panda,

Please try not to worry - my H was with OW1 on and off for three years and then moved in with her. It fell apart very quickly. Seeing someone for day's out or occasionally is very different to the reality of living with each other.

In my opinion it's doomed to fail and look at it this way by living together it will just speed up the process.

Hugs.

X

[R]

BN has been living with ST since July and the only crack I see is the irritating daughter so far.  Having said that, I think their pride has a lot to do with it.  After all, they have created all this chaos and upset, and to admit it hasn't had the desired affect only serves to send them even deeper into the depression or whatever.

There is also a lot of avoidance going on too. To be honest though I do not ask about their relationship at all, it's just glimpses I see.

It is hard to remember it isn't as rosy as we might envisage. 

[Lanzo]

W has had 2 PA that I know of, in both cases she is the pursuer,and ends up getting dumped. Aside from that there have been many male friends who were phone friends, maybe EA’s or even further potential PA.

PA1 was back in 2005 before I knew her antics were because she was in MLC. OM1 was just a guy she pick up in a club, one night stand, I busted them, W claimed she would end it but they carried on EA for some time. They started PA again in 2007 I detached but it seemed like I was letting them I have a free run. W said the PA started again because I accused her of PA so she said to  herself if I’m being accused I may as well do it. She also said it continued because I didn’t seem to care. Now that I know about projection I can see this was all her BS and not my fault at all. That A ended because there is only so much sneaking around meeting up in hotel rooms you can do, and also OM couldnt be bothered to ***k her on the last occasion (sorry for strong language) so she dropped him as said she wanted her family back. I thought then her MLC was ending. She tried but her heart and soul wasn’t in it.

PA2 2013, W had distanced herself from me 2011, 2012 some of her antagonising antics towards me around the house were almost unbearable, like she was trying to drive me out. Enough was enough when I didn’t crack, she initiated a D, then she started going out a lot, all dressed, new clothes, new underwear, sex toys the whole works. It even came to her not coming home from work til late, when she did her mobile phone was going ping, ping, ping ping 24/7 all driving me crazy.  So I snooped found out about OM2, he wasn’t a stranger, he was a friend of W best friend, but everything I saw made me think she’d found her soul mate, he was the type of older guy she went for before she met me. She was round at his everyday, and when she wasn’t she was on the phone constant. Loads of other pointers which made me think she had found true happiness.

However, things in La La land aren’t as rosie as we kid ourselves, yes our partner is out having se x with someone while we’re stuck at home, but in the end it aint all that. In this case (and I’m guessing here) W thought she had OM2 to herself and was in an exclusive relationship, but OM was still with his partner, in my snooping I found out loads bout OM, he weren’t all  that at all, he was a definite affair down.

The A began to crumble when OM had given W a seeing too and then jetted off for a sunshine break with his partner and then posted their holiday picture all over FB. Soon after his return D12 overheard a heated conversation on the phone between W and OM, she had been played, lies and lies between them. Since then no going out at night, W comes straight from work, and the mobile phone is silent.

I guess want I wanted to say or show is that as hurtful as the A is it burns itself out,  and will collapse under the weight of lies a deceit, this one lasted 9 months, painful for me to watch as we are in the same house. If you are in the middle of it all  you just gotta hang tough and pray. (I prayed and next thing I know I  was looking at pics on FB).

Geezz, I didn’t relise I wrote so much.

Lanzo