[Hmmm]

Somehow, talking about my friend distracts me temporarily from the stuff in my own life so here goes.

He texted me earlier that he was a perfect gent with the 22 year old. He realised immediately that she was too young-they went bowling and didn't sleep together-I got the wrong end of the stick.

Anyway, after work he texted again that he'd just had OW in his office crying (he feels guilty about breaking up her marriage) ended up sleeping with her again. I told him he is effing mental! He is cycling between a couple of women at the mo. Said I'd 'counsel' him tomorrow.

He rang me so I asked him does he still love his wife. The answer was yes. Regarding the sex he said it'd become more like comfortable companionship with her.

He fears being alone.

He knows he needs to sort himself out

He wants a proper relationship (but the women he goes for are as needy as him)

His wife hasn't filed so I said he shouldn't pursue her etc. he was really jealous when he found out his wife had condom wrapper in the bin! His motto is 'the grass is always greener'

She has stopped being so friendly and he definitely wants to connect with her more because of it.

I'm going to lend him Conway's book and see what he says.

[CruiseControl]

Hey Arghhh,

I have questions about your MLC friend, if that's OK?.  Does he seem to have any confusion?  I know he still loves his wife and my H does not "Love" me, or find me attractive, though I think he has flirted with me briefly once or twice.  He loves his OW(26 yr old X-friend of mine...our hairdresser)......but I get the impression that he is definitely in control of that relationship.  Though she still socializes with her friends, and does not see him every minute of the day.  He is monogamous to OW, not like your friend.......does he say how superficial their relationship is, or if it is "love"......I still think that my H is infatuated as opposed to "in love". though that is not how he sees it.

Thanks,

CC

[Hmmm]

Hi.

He said it felt like love at first but once the affair was exposed it didn't feel right. He's told her this a few times but she keeps seducing him again. The attraction is there but even going on a date to a cafe was weird for him-it's easier with alcohol involved.

He has thought a few times it would be easier to just give it a go properly again rather than have her cause trouble at work. He thinks if her more when she's not contacting her all the time and did feel jealous when she mentioned seeing another colleague

It's like a soap opera. Leave them to it and observe. If she's so young then he might get insecure about her going out without him eventually
X

[SSG]

Hello Arghhh

Could you ask him, when he is alone...with his thoughts or physically alone, what goes through his head about his wife and their life together?

Also, when he is sexually with the OW or whatever girl is his flavor for the moment, what does the sex do for him...as opposed with his W.  OK, that his wife wanted him to wear condoms is odd...unless W suspected he was always having affairs.

SSG

[BB64]

Hi Argh, and everyone else.

I have a couple of friends in mlc, females. They too tell me a thing or 12 about how they feel, see the world with mlc eyes, and how they cannot relate to anyone....etc..
I had a crisis myself, a quarter life crisis laced with PTSD.
You won't get much sense out of these people. I would advise you to drop this case and focus on yourself. You can't counsel your friend, if anything, it might make him worse. And if you push too hard, you might end up being monstered at.
One of the female mlcer I know was all very nice at first with me, I pushed to understand what was going on in her head and why she acted to fecklessly, and yup I got evil monster and I even got death threats. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore. She hates me!
Still in crisis. I wasn't the only one who pushed, her h did as did her children. She has been in crisis 10 years now. Her monster began to show 5 years ago and is still here. She has no contact with her children.
My advice would be: let sleeping lions sleep and be very, very careful.

[Hmmm]

I think sex with OW in General is just full of fireworks-maybe because they don't have to cook/clean/look after kids etc. I sometimes wonder if I was doing it right but I am not in a position to find out at the mo!

I'm going to try to talk about normal things with him for a bit. He does seem to enjoy my focus being on him (but is also a good listener to me) we validate each other I suppose.

As for time on his own, there really isn't much. He fills every minute with something (I see him on fb chatting to others, looking on YouTube, seeing friends, playing gigs etc)

I've never seen monster but can tell when he doesn't want to stop and chat by the way that he greets me in the morning. If I distance him for a few days he pursues me!

[Hmmm]

Went to the cinema last night with my MLC friend. We chatted about work and kids and he said something like 'we managed not to talk about our relationships for a while!' After that, his women were pretty much all we talked about to be honest

It was nice to get out of the house but I want my old friend back who didn't think it was normal in one week to:
Sleep with exOW then wonder why she keeps texting
Arrange another friendly outing with 22 year old
See a woman from a dating website who has 4 kids, was abused by uncle and then family blame her for his suicide (she lives miles away but is really attached to him)
Get sexy texts from a girl in our other building he slept with last year a few times

And then tell me his wife has been warmer with him and admitted feeling sad recently to him.

I said. IF she ever takes you back, then how will she feel that you've been with all these women? No real reply.

It's definitely the sex-says I'm unusual in that I loved it for all these years with H

He'd go back though

He's nowhere near cooked and she'd be mad to have him

[UnconditionalLove]

I have been reading about the men who escape from their marriages through having an affair rather than just owning up to wanting to leave.  The affair is their way out from what they think is a bad marriage and they use the affair because their thinking is the spouse will divorce them rather than divorcing their spouse.  I know my MLC did this but almost everyone on this sites spouse did this too.  Do you think that it's part of MLC or separate of MLC and that makes a difference to who comes home and who doesn't?

I would like to hear everyone's idea's behind the Runaway Affair

[superdog]

Or you get the ones like my h who clearly forgot he was supposed to actually run away

Sd
X

[Ready2Transform]

I don't think mine had a runaway affair, hoping I'd leave him, because he wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible. He was in limbo I think, enjoying the cake eating and not wanting to pick. And even once the D was initiated by him almost a year after the affair was exposed, he kept delaying any court hearings (still not final after 3 years!). If he did want this to be an exit affair, he's done an awful job of it.

People use others for a lot of reasons. Do I think he's used the OW and vice versa, and that was the main motivation? Absolutely. Most who have run here have an alienator, and some come back, others don't. Even more LBS are probably responsible for closing the door when there's another person involved, and that's the reason there's no reconciliation. I personally don't think it can be used as a gauge.