[in it]

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Emotionally-Detached

There seems to be some other things you may want to check out at the bottom of this website.

It's probably the single most hardest things to do. My concern is I do NOT want to stay this way for the rest of my life.

But since I'm aware of this...I'll work hard to make sure ( as sure as I can) it's safe to emotionally invest next time! 

[calamity]

In it, thanks for the link.  I was going to start a thread on detachment as detachment is the most elusive state.  I like rcr's section on detachment esp.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach_practical-applications-to-detachment.html

But I would love to hear from others on how to detach i.e. practical ways or habits of mind that help at different times in the process.

[Snowdrop]

If you look at another person's behaviour, and see how it will affect you, you can choose whether to allow it or not.  i believe knowing our limits and setting boundaries is key to detachment, even for ourselves, as we then know what is tolerable and what isnt, then over time, things automatically fall into the appropriate slots without even having to think.

The more you do it, the stronger the boundaries, the more you detach.

What has worked for us is really seeing things for what they are, and not feeling it is about us at all.  It helps tremendously to remember thisis their crisis, and it has been made very clear that we are not invited to go along and assist.  We need to be thankful for that and go on our own path.  We take each thing as it comes, acknowledge it, whether painful or not, then decide whether or not we can do anything about it.  If yes, then that is up to us, but if not, we let it go.  more you do it, the easier it becomes.

For us, I think the biggest part that helps with detachment is knowing it was never about us.  I have stressed that with the kids since day one, and it has helped.  We also know there is nothing we can do, and after a while, it becomes familiar, and the "new normal".  Not sure if any of that helps, but it works for us.  Plus having an mlcer who is a complete a$$ helps, very much.

We have to have self respect, and while this might mlc, it doesnt mean we have to put up with the behaviour.  The more we are to see what we will and will not tolerate, the easier it is to detach.

Just my two pence.

[Breakingthecycle]

This is something I am struggling with, both understanding and the application. 

If I'm doing this 'right', when I spoke with H on the phone yesterday and he sounded so down, I was right in thinking to myself later that just because he was feeling that way I wasn't going to let it affect my day?  There was no point in worrying about it because I couldn't change anything?

Is it a case of 'acting as if' with detachment?  The more you act as if, the easier your brain responds and you do detach?  If so, I'm taking acting lessons

[in it]

I was never a fake it til you make it kind of person..if I don't genuinely feel it? It ain't gonna happen.

NC is the ONLY WAY I could detach..I finally got fed up with the games. The simple lack of respect is a huge factor in maintaining no contact. And a total lack of TRUST.

[Sunny]

I think Snowdrop hit it on the head. It's about self-respect, which I've never had before but do now! And boundaries. I used to feel there were no boundaries between myself and the world. I felt too much. I used to think that was just how I was, but now know that is codependency. For me, the greatest learning has come from facing and understanding copedendency. If you havent read Codepdendent No More, I recommend you do. I had my own FOO, and learning I didn't have to fix everyone's problems was a big eye opener.

The more self respect I have, the easier detachment becomes.

[in it]

I read that book about 20 years ago but STILL it didn't hold. I've had a slight change in my attitude now.
I always thought I had self respect? But I didn't... I got my value from everybody else and that AIN'T IT!

Yes this whole thing is about self-respect and how much bull$hit you think you NEED to take.

[Snowdrop]

Yes, NC helps I think, or maybe much easier when you are dealing with an mlcer who has left.  So much easier if they are not communicating as you have to really figure it out yourself from the beginning, and it is sink or swim.

The lack of trust is huge, and helps greatly as there is not other option now.  Where there was once total trust, now there isnt, so another thing to not have to question. 

Most of all, I think it depends greatly upon who we are as individuals, our own history and experiences to date, and our coping skills.  We are all different and had different life experiences, so I think that affects us when it comes to detachment, and how it might come "easier" for one than another. For those who have had to do it before, or are independent in nature, might find it comes easier.  Not to say any of it is easy, it isnt, just that they might have already developed those coping skills, or at least partly, due to necessity in the past.  Nothing totally prepares us for this though, nothing.  In a way, it is a gift, as we develop in ways we might never have.  We are tough.

I also think  kindness towards ourselves helps, ie why putyourself in a spot where you know you will be hurt, such as looking at your mlcers fbook?   Think about howyou might feel later if you do something.  All about retraining your thoughts. 

For me, H being so cruel and disappearing except for a few awfulmvisits, has helped the kids and I detach, and I am thankful for that.  We saw that he has become the kind of oerson we would never want to be around, and yes, we hace our moments of tears, but overall, we do not miss the man he has become.  We cried for the man he was, not the man he is.  This guy now is horrendous, and we cannot imagine a life with him AT ALL, and would rather be without. 

My kids have been raised and taught to set boundaries, and sometimes they do, and at times they dont, but they are at least aware of what they are.  When meeting their dad recently, they took the lead, and set out their boundaries as a condition for meeting him, and that if he wasnt prepared to honour em, they had no desire to meet up with him.  He replied that he would, and they met, then again the kids took the lead and excused themselves once they had eaten their food.  They took complete control.  They anticipated the script and told him ahead of time they didnt want to hear it.

I think those boundaries help in dealing with this, as well as helping our healing.  My H has no filter on what he says, and is like a loose cannon, even with his children.  Dreadful.

[in it]

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

For those who are going through a divorce or separation whether legal or the MLcer is absent or in and out from the family dynamic.

[in it]

http://curecodependency.com/codependency-vs-independence-vs-dependence-vs-interdependence/