[HeartsBlessing]

I'd have to give my husband a great deal of credit; when his MLC triggered my transition; and the tables turned on him, but he didn't walk out on me or throw in the towel.  He waited, patiently for me to come through.

Sometimes he didn't understand, and sometimes he grabbed onto me when he shouldn't have; but it took a great deal of strength on his part to wait on me; not knowing how long I was going to be crabby and outright hateful.

I honestly think, during that time, he REMEMBERED what he had done to me; and figured if I were going to be good enough to stand for him; he could do no less.

I do remember him saying later that he never thought I would walk out on him; so he waited; not knowing how long it would take, but waited anyway. 

You're right that most LBS men don't understand and walk away; but they are doing themselves a disservice when they do; it is arrogance on their part that they don't seize the opportunity for growth and change...most believing that as long as they were working and supporting their families financially, that's enough; when it is NOT the only important factor in a marriage.

Most LBS men also lack understanding of what's involved; but won't research and learn what they need to learn.

I say most, because there are men here on this board and elsewhere that DO take the opportunity to learn and grow; and they become BETTER men because of their wives' MLC.

My hat is off to you men who do this and STAND for your marriages....I'm very honored and fortunate to know you.

This is the making and the marking of a real man; who will stand for their marriage when they know things may not resolve in the way they would want; but love their wives enough to make that stand; and are patient enough to wait to see how it all comes out. 

[Rebel Yell]

Thanks for the responses.
It's so tough to go through.
My wife acts like we are just fine yet we are separated.
She calls, we do lunch most days,
She kisses me but won't get romantic.
She doesn't distance herself from me at all.
We get along, we joke, we take care of business.....
If it wasn't for those things I probably would have given up.
She knows I love her and I know she loves me.
I hope she gets through this OK and come out the other side.
I know she'll be better for it.

[Rebel Yell]

I wanted to add something.
I've read books about getting your wife back and I understand that I needed to spend more time with her.
Sooo, I wanted to try something.
I started giving her flowers, sending cards, dropping off sweets to her at work, sending nice e mails, leaving notes for her..
I thought this could push her away but it really did the opposite.
Every time I do the types of things I would do when we were dating, she would light up!!
Does this sound like a person that wants a divorce?
BTW, the word divorce hasn't been spoken in several months now.
She used to say it was the only solution.
Her Mom got a mini barn for storage and the wife was going to put all of her stuff in it. (I'm in the house)
So far not one item has been moved and again it's been months.
I keep holding out thinking she's going through the tunnel, I'm doing my best to detach but not a day goes by that we don't
talk, usually we talk a lot too.
I hope she will believe some day that I'm head over heals for her, and I hope she'll realize that she is for me also.

[OldPilot]

This is from a menopause website and might give some of the men insight into the mind of one menopausal woman.

For that matter, a man in MLC more than likely feels about the same way.

My pre peri stuff started in early 30's--- fatigue, adult acne, severe pms & mild insomnia which led to me going on the pill at age 33.
Just turned 40 & can tell based on last two years that it will be the decade from hell.
The light night sweats, slight weight gain, dry eyes & feelings if anxiety are more than I can take.
For last two years I have taken at least one sick day per week, irregardless if season.
One day or sometimes more a week I stay in bed all day and surf the Net. At home in bed is actually where I am happiest.
I do not have a,weight problem or any other mental problems and before my early to mid 30s would never spend a whole day in bed. It's like my life is over.
That the culture doesn't care about my condition but demands that I work, be happy, look pretty, raise children (oops forgot to have them, wasn't economically prepared...) and if I can't meet one or more if rhe standards then that's it, I'm practically a white trash has been... Let's just say most days I like to keep to myself, do a minimum of public activities including work, and have really stopped living.
It's so much stress just to keep going, and so degrading, I can't imagine how much worse things will get. Invariably they will, with or without hormones, I face a life from here on out that is,not worth living. My tone is very negative I know but what I hope for is,an early death. Like generations going back tens of thousands of years I hope to be dead at 65. That's only 25 years & I can live with that.

[Rebel Yell]

OK, not really but I wonder what the similarities and differences are between women and men going through MLC.
Please Men, speak up.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I am not an expert on this subject as I can only state from what I my own experience. The biggest difference between the men and women is that the women tend to show overt depression versus covert depression. I also think that low self-esteem plays a major factor in the women during the crisis.

In all other aspects, they tend to follow the same patters, EA/PA, same statements about needing space, the I love you but not in love with you speech, and the many other aspects of rewriting history. They also will abandon their children  and have the same self-centered mindset just like the guys. Some move out of the home, others will demand the quick divorce, and other like my w stay at home and make all our lives miserable.

The only difference I have heard is that they go through the process quicker than the men. However that is just a statement I have heard and I have no facts to support this claim. OP has been at this the longest and he may offer more information on this subject.

Hope this helps!

[Rebel Yell]

Ready, was your wife outgoing with lots of girlfriends pre mlc?
Did she try to meet your needs?
Did she communicate her needs with you?

[hopingfourbetter]

I am going to assume that since My W has been going through menopause and that has turned into a crisis at her midlife and I being the spouse I am living it with her that makes it my midlife crisis also. Other wise I do not know how to answer this question.

  My W has been making a life of her own so I had started a new hobby I have basically done most things wrong most of our time together, aside from the last 3.5 years I have very few complaints about her. She has been very depressed, I am Usually a happy positive person  We are both distant from each other. She is very vocal to the kids I am the dad we never get angry at kids unless directed to do so. I believe that she still loves me but not the way she used to, I love her more than anything even more than the kids The depression is the biggest thing. The W thinks that chatting online to strangers that are men is fine. I will chat very little and only if I know the person from real life and I feel that it is wrong to have constant chat with the opposite sex. The W is not willing to do counseling, I have done a lot of counseling.

   There is more than I feel like writing for now.   Hfb

[HeartsBlessing]

..and here I thought you were writing an advertisement for the hair dye.."Just For Men" LOL!!!...just a little levity to lighten up the occasion.


Ok, seriously,

I am not an expert on this subject as I can only state from what I my own experience. The biggest difference between the men and women is that the women tend to show overt depression versus covert depression. I also think that low self-esteem plays a major factor in the women during the crisis.

Ready is absolutely right..and I see what he's writing from my own experience...Depression was deep within me, throughout; and my own self esteem was in the toilet during my transition.

In fact, my depression got so bad; that I didn't take a bath for a month or longer..it was THAT bad; and I didn't care...I took a bath, then found myself going through another month....it seemed the harder my husband rode me during that time, the more I did NOT care.

I cannot remember when it ended; but it did..because I take regular baths, now, and have for several years.

The only difference I have heard is that they go through the process quicker than the men. However that is just a statement I have heard and I have no facts to support this claim. OP has been at this the longest and he may offer more information on this subject.

It is the same as with men; it depends on the issues/aspects that women have to face..it took me six years to navigate...I had ALOT of issues to face and settle...the only difference with me was that mine stayed a transition; and didn't become a crisis.

Remember the crisis is a personal one; an emotional and spiritual battle.  It is entirely possible to go through Menopause and STILL have a hard transition or MLC.

I am going to assume that since My W has been going through menopause and that has turned into a crisis at her midlife and I being the spouse I am living it with her that makes it my midlife crisis also. Other wise I do not know how to answer this question.

It is always possible that one spouse going through transition/MLC can trigger the LBS into a transition/MLC of their own.

It happened that way with my husband; his MLC triggered my transition...I think it's the stress of dealing with the spouses MLC/Transition that brings on a transition/MLC within the LBS much faster than it would normally.

The W thinks that chatting online to strangers that are men is fine.

When I speak to the opposite sex, regardless of whether it is my husband's friends; or a couple of friends of mine that are male; I let him know about it.  But, I don't do it often; really preferring to talk to him.

He has a few female friends he talks to on occasion, but I always know about that, too.  And he doesn't do it often, either..preferring to talk to me.

He ALSO knows that I talk to some of the men, here on the board; but he also knows there are females, too that I talk to.

If he's not at home when I get home; I visit on the board..BUT, if he's home; you will not see me here...he gets my time; and he's more important than this board; and will always come before it.

I feel that it is wrong to have constant chat with the opposite sex.

When someone is taking the energy OUT of the marriage that should belong to the spouse; and dispensing it somewhere else, that is clearly wrong...and I see your point.

Temptation comes about when you are constantly chatting with someone of the opposite sex, when you really should be talking to your spouse; and giving them the energy you're giving the other person.

No one's friends, whether opposite sex or NOT, should EVER come before the spouse

But, remember; your wife is going through a MLC; and her perceptions are skewed at the moment; it is not an excuse, it is just the way things are; and I KNOW it's hard on you; I know it is...but you also know when/if you say something to her; she will only rebel and do it that much more.

It's wrong, I know.


I KNOW you wanted MEN, only, Rebel Yell; but I'm simply putting in my two cents worth.  

And this may help you, also to understand some more about your wife.

[Rebel Yell]

Thanks for your input. I want anyone with insight into the female mlc. To see if there are differences between the sexes or not.
I'd be disappointed if you didn't chime in.