[Hope4Us]

Just wanted to get people's thoughts about the differences between their H or W's midlife crisis. Sometimes it seems like the women are more apt to see their marriages to its messy end much more than the men.

Any thoughts?

[Hope4Us]

When my wife told me she was done with the marriage, she pretty much ended it the day she said it. That was 2.5 years ago. There was an OM that she had an EA with, but that's over and done with. She just says she doesn't want to be married any more.

I notice her skin has been breaking out and her hair has been thinning. She sleeps alot and has absolutely no interest in sex. Do other women have the same issues?

[Dontgiveup]

Jim Conway's materials go into this a little bit.  The book "Women in Midlife Crisis" has a section about a husband's MLC, and most of the rest of the book focuses on the different things that surround women's MLC.  One of the differences that you will read about fairly often is that women tend to move through their MLC a little quicker than men.  Obviously this is not true in every case, but it's a generalized statement you will see.  In my opinion, it may be due to the way women deal with depression vs the way men deal with depression.

Regarding your wife's skin, hair, and sleep.......yes, those are all signs of stress, and directly related to MLC.

My ex-wife is in MLC and a good friend's ex-wife is also in MLC.  From our experiences, here is some general info he and I have discussed......and by the way, our ex-wives do not know one another.  He and I are friends, but our wives never met one another.

Both of our ex-wives filed for divorce and went through with it.  Marriage counseling was attempted by both of us as well, and we have agreed that it did no good.  Both our wives blamed the way they felt on us.....both said they wanted a new life.

My friend's ex-wife married the other man within six months of the divorce being final from my friend.  Her current marriage has major issues and does not appear that it's going to make it, though that divorce has not been filed.  After the divorce to my friend, he did not hear from her sometimes for a few months at a time.  They are now in frequent contact (at least twice a week).

My ex-wife told me one time she was dating someone.  She has said nothing about him since then, and I have never seen or met him.  My ex-wife contacts me frequently, and there has not been a time where she has gone longer than about two weeks without initiating contact.

One thing seems true for men and women in MLC.....it takes time.

[OldPilot]

I notice her skin has been breaking out and her hair has been thinning. She sleeps alot and has absolutely no interest in sex. Do other women have the same issues?

Yes these are all part of the 34 different signs of peri/menopause.
This is all a part of MLC.

DGU is correct that it takes a long time.

Give her as much space as possible.
Keep your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open.

As far as differences between men and women MLC's, it is hard to say since they are all pretty much the same. Each one will have small differences and their own unique flavor.

Keep reading and posting and we can try to point out what we know.
Ask questions, those are good. 

[Hope4Us]

One thing I've noticed is that men seem to come out of the "fog" much more than women. Just a general observation. And that when the men come out of it, they are more apt to want to stay in the marriage.

Anyone with W's or a former WAW who has stayed in their marriage?

[BraveNewWorld]

Hi Hope4Us,
                  I think I know where you're coming from. You want to see that wives can come back to a marriage. I understand. I desperately want that too.

I'm a husband that is losing his wife. I'm going to mediation this month. I still can't believe it. I still wonder what happened - even though it has been nearly a year and a half for me. She means the world to me.

We can't predict the future. No other story will determine our own. We can only change who we are, learn from our mistakes and aim for what we want in the future. We can only love - and hope the rest works out for us, somehow.

We can't change the past. We need to learn from it.

There are some positive stories that I've come by:

• DontGiveUp has a friend whose wife is reconnecting.
• DontGiveUp's relationship with his own wife has grown warmer in the past few months.
• I was on another forum where a woman began posting, frantically. She 'woke up' to find herself married to another man and realized that she still loved her ex-husband. She had walked away from her whole family. Her grown sons wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn't even hold her own grandchild. It was her goal to rebuild a relationship with them. She didn't really know how it had happened her - or at least claimed not to.
• My friend's brother's wife walked away from him. A year later she wanted back. He didn't want anything to do with her.
• Another person on a forum told a story of his sister. She had walked out on her husband to be with her first love. A year later she wanted back. He has absolutely nothing to do with her - the guy that told the story said his whole family wanted them to reconcile - but her ex had basically shut the door firmly.

Hope4Us - I think this is a journey in love - with all the ingredients working in slow motion for us MLC and LBS people to savour and finally understand: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Corinthians_13

[when I say slow motion, I mean slow motion!]

We don't know the outcome for our marriage in the end. But we do know that love triumphs.

holdingon

[Rebel Yell]

How many Men are here with their wives going through mlc?
I think the men and women going through this are about equal in numbers but more lbs women seek help and "talk" about it.
I have the feeling most lbs men don't understand what's happening and just throw in the towel.

[OldPilot]

I may leave someone out if so I am sorry but I have a mid-life mind.

Ready to Fix Myself First, Hoping For Better, Holding On, Don't Give Up, MissHer Love, Warrior Shadow, D Money, Still Standing, and Myself.

There are others that have only posted a few times. Other websites that I am on have lots of men too.

But this site is the BEST!

You are correct that most LBS throw in the towel.
The LBS can always do that.
They have more control than they think.

[Tinca]

I was wondering the very same thing. My wife has been a textbook case and until I found this site I had no idea what was going on or how to deal with it myself. If I would have taken it at face value -the 'I don't love you anymore so have to leave, but will come back for Sunday dinner as a family' routine - I may have bailed. After two years of The Change in her I liken it to dealing with a wayward teenager, you hope that it is a 'stage' and one has to be careful not to get drawn in thereby reacte which only serves to give them something to kick against. It really is a 'second puberty' and 'storm and tempest stage' as Carl Yung described it. If you love your wife enough, as I do, all one can do is stick it out and hope for the best. 

I only know of two of my male friends who have been wracked by MLC. But many men I have spoken to have noticed radical emotional changes to their wives at a certain stage . Womens MLC may involve the fluctuation of hormones as their cycles fluctuate in Perimenopause leading up to Menopause proper. These are responsible for their sense of well being. For example, women may become more aggressive if their estrogen is low, when this was not in their personality before. My wife's estrogen is high meaning the opposite (in my opinion), that she cannot deal with any stress at all, tricky when I am freaking out not understanding any of what is happening to her. Yes, there may be other issues to work though (childhood ones etc) and there may be triggers, in my wifes case this started proper about the same time that her father got Parkinsons.

Testing showed three of the five major hormones in my wife were out of whack, even one out can knock them off kilter. They can be adjusted naturally, but that's another story. Men's MLC may also have a hormonal component, but lack of testosterone with age does not explain the cliche of fast toys and younger women.

We live in hope that our wives, (as a female friend who endured it said) will 'come through it'. I read however that more women file for divorce than men.... 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I don't know any statistics or how it plays out. My w has been in the home for the past eight months. She does not work or has really done anything to indicate she is moving out other than study for her CPA and chat on line with her "New Love". 

She has mentioned divorce a couple of times but for the most part avoids all conversation about the marriage. I know that each day she is at home buys me more time. I don't know how long her replay will last. I think that if she drops OM , that will be the first sign that replay is coming to an end.

Until then, it is a waiting game. Time to detach and let go.