[Patience]

Link to previous thread "Questions about the affair/OM/OW II"
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1454.0


Friends,  I've been reading all of the threads and articles I can find on OW withdrawal.  I would like to know a bit more about what it "looks like."  The articles I've read online seem to indicate there will be anger, anxiety, and depression.  The things here indicate some of the same things, but each MLCer is different and might express this in different ways. 

Could you share this experience and what you saw?  I'm wondering if there is some variation based on the energy level, etc. of the MLCer.

Thanks!

[Love being on higher grounds]

Patience, great question!

I know with my h, I have seen this, but I too would like more info.

I am still not exactly sure if this woman was ow or truly a friend, so it seems even harder!

hugs,
L

[hyperglad]

Patience...my H is a low level MLC'r...i have watched his withdrawal many times over the past 14 mths. The way he displayed it was ,   he had nothing behind his eyes...he would look at me...but he wasn't looking , if that makes sense. He would stare at the TV but I knew he wasn't watching it... he was thinking of being with her.

I would know after these displays he would make contact again... i could then tell/sense he was seeing her...i would confront...he would deny...i would push...he would confess... he would leave..usually for 1 night... he would beg to come home...i would cave and let him...mostly because i was scared of him staying with her...we would be good for 5/6 weeks...then same again.

Hope this helps.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hopefully, this will help; it was a description of OW Withdrawal someone asked for in a PM:

Your husband will not go into OW Withdrawal, until ALL contact has ceased with her, regardless if it is he who breaks it off, or she.

At first, he will feel some relief, especially if it's him who initiates the break up.  But what he won't realize is that anytime you end a relationship, you must process it, learn from it, and heal from it.

When you make a connection to someone, that person takes a place in your head and in your heart.  When the connection is broken; in essence, you are facing the 'death' of that relationship, and a grieving process is gone through.

He will still have feelings for her, and those will take time to work through; he will evidence deep confusion, depression, sadness; and it won't be unusual for him to talk all over the place, saying weird things at times.  He can go as far as blaming you for his having to cut contact with her.
He will reject you again if you approach him; and he also will have a great deal of guilt over having 'abandoned' his OW, as well as guilt over his committing of adultery.  His conscience will be tormenting him heavily.  You will see him withdraw into himself for a time.

Understand, that IF he resumes contact with her, and breaks it off again, the whole process will begin again from the beginning; and TIME will be added, as it will take LONGER for him to process this through.

The only way to come through this completely, will be to NEVER contact her again...and this is up to him; you cannot help him with this, or the OW Withdrawal...these are things he must do on his own.

Given time, he will work through all of this, and after he finishes, he will turn back toward you.


The process is very similar in each case; although, some OW/OM Withdrawals are worse than others; it depends upon the depth of attachment to the OW/OM...times I don't have, as I don't know how long it takes to come through it.

Does this help?

[Patience]

Thank you for your insight HB.  It helps me understand that I'm probably not seeing OW withdrawal yet.  I know she tried to contact him at least once.  I do not know if he responded to this contact.  The key, I think, is that he needs to end all means by which she can contact him-cell phone, email, facebook.  That's not happened.  I'm thinking of RCR's story about the home phone though and the OW's attempts at contact. 

What I saw in the 2-3 weeks before the relationship ended was more frequent emails and I love you texts to me.  It was at this time he first made a request to work on our relationship (not the marriage, which he made clear at that time.) and expressed some small recognition of my hurt and the situation we are in.   Since the time period when I think the break-up occurred he has stopped the I love you texts and emails.  He is contacting me about other things.  He is continuing to talk about "us" throughout all of this.  He has said a few weird things, and again seems to be focusing on death a bit. 

He has hidden his depression and sadness very well since this all began.  I've only seen it once or twice in the very early post BD days.  The same with anger.  He's also told me a few times he is having difficulty sleeping.  (welcome to my world honey!)  Since he just visits on weekends he may well be angry and sad while he is away.  I don't know. 

hyperglad--my H stopped making eye contact many months ago.  I noticed an increase in eye contact several weeks ago, but it does seem to have decreased again. 

Again, thanks HB.  I'll continue to let him do the approaching as best as I can.  Just as I knew I couldn't force him to end the affair, I know I can't force him to break off all means of contact unfortunately. 

[HeartsBlessing]

Again, thanks HB.  I'll continue to let him do the approaching as best as I can.  Just as I knew I couldn't force him to end the affair, I know I can't force him to break off all means of contact unfortunately.

You're right; he has to do this on his own; there's no way you can help him; and he has to come to you, also on his own.

I hope he gathers enough strength to end the affair; it MUST end and ALL contact stopped; before OW Withdrawal can begin in earnest.

Keep us posted on what happens.

[hyperglad]

Can I ask this....at first my H was very attached emotionally to OW.....although he was also still very attached to me....he would leave for 1 night, telling me he loved OW, she made him happy, blah blah...only to return the next day.

From January he returned and told me he knew for sure he didn't want to be with her. After saying this she continued to pursue him , in early March he said he felt guilty for leading her on, so he would give her lifts etc. I found out and said, that's it , its over Ive had enough, he went mad, saying she wouldn't leave him alone and he called her up and told her to leave him alone he didn't want to be with her (I know this as fact ).

Now what I don't understand is June, she pursued again and he started going to her house, giving her lifts again. When I found out 5 weeks ago he said he didn't want a relationship with her and never would, and he didn't even know why he kept going there, he said it just seemed like an escape from his hum drum life (his words).

When i discovered him there i told him he didn't get back into our home or my life while he was still in contact. He told me he wanted to stay living alone and didn't want a relationship with anyone. Since then i have stopped asking about her (no point) but he does seem really depressed, every other time I have really forced him to leave her. If he says he doesn't want to be with her will the withdrawal be less severe than  the times when he thought he was in love (GAG) will my not asking, leaving him to it also help with the withdrawal process ?

[Patience]

H, I think what you are seeing is the beginning of OW withdrawal, but because he renews contact with her, it starts over again each time he breaks it off. 

I don't know that your actions will make it more or less severe, but I do know he has to do this on his own.  I also can't say that his choice to break it off versus he loves her will make any difference.  If this was a "normal" human that would make sense, but this is MLC so all bets are off.

[Glimmer]

My H told me he has 'cooled' things with OW, but I know he is still in contact to a lesser degree. He has to meet her through work sometimes, but how often he sees her socially I don't know, and don't want to.

It is hard to believe what they say though. He has told me he wants to work things out with me, and yet he is still concerned how she will take it when (if) he plucks up the courage to tell her. He did say the last time the subject was brought up that he knew she wouldn't be happy but 'she is a very intelligent woman so she will know something is wrong'. He said he had had enough of what his life has become.

Some days he seems very quiet and distant, and doesn't want to engage with any of us and I wonder why he bothers to visit at all. A few days ago he mentioned to our Ds that he hadn't been running for a few weeks (OW is his running partner) because he 'couldn't' go. He had nothing important to do instead, so maybe it was because I told him if he wanted to run he had to join another club away from temptation. Maybe he is trying but I don't think he is ready yet.

[Jupiter]

What is that part of the journey like if there isn't OW/OM?