[TrustingMyHP]

Anne, all your points are excellent.  And true.

That's why I haven't hired a PI.

But I can dream can't I? 

TMHP   

[Anjae]

Yes, TMHP, you can dream! 

[Buggy31]

OP contacted me to reveal the affair...they thought I was clueless and innocent to the whole thing...hehehhehe...like they were telling me something I didn't know....anyway....OP started texting me a lot and I could tell it was starting to get into me being a shoulder to cry on and I don't know...I didn't want to go there...I mean I think you need firm boundaries because the OP is hurting bad and may not be wise to what is going on.  I did contact him a few times over key events like the pregnancy but always bussinesslike short and sweet.  It's just something that could backfire and trigger you like crazy...best to just leave it and detach from the whole sitch..

[LisaLives]

Thanks Bugs, That's what I wanted to know, just if anyone has done it and what happened--if they gained any insight. 

And Anne, don't worry I said I am not going to do it!  All my sleuthing is old, but remember she is not just his new wife, she is the step mother of my kids and my H has told me NOTHING about her, and will tell me nothing about his life with her and I do not ask my kids because I will not put them in a weird position.  But, that leaves me in a weird place--he won't even tell me their travel itineraries, or his work schedule--he has never even told me where he lives and he expects me to send my kids there.  I know you don't have kids, but can you imagine putting your kids on a place and not knowing where they will be?   

Right now it would really make my life a lot easier if I knew his wife and her exH's custody schedule so I could better prepare my life--because I pretty much figured out that he does not come to visit his kids unless she has hers, but he won't tell me that, and so in my frustration, I thought about just calling the only other person who would know.  I am not overly attached to their life, but I would like to be better attached to mine and take away his power to turn my life upside down every other week. 

And like TMHP, I am dreaming, but it is a very nice dream for me--a proper custody schedule, even if it's only a guess would be so nice...

[OldPilot]

Lisa you are trying to FIX this for him,  I know you are saying it is for you but maybe you need some sort of boundary.

If he does not want to play by your game or your schedule make it his problem.
Not yours.

The two of you are using the kids as weapons.
Maybe someone else will see this differently than me and I don't have these same issues so maybe someone else can give you better advice.

But it does seem that way to me, calling the OW ex H is just controlling.

[LisaLives]

I can accuse him of doing a lot of things wrong, but he is not using our kids as weapons, he is just addled, and it would be nice to talk to a sane person who knows stuff that affects my kids. 

And how many times do I have to say I am not going to call the OP's exH, I really am not, it was just a nice thought--like buying a lottery ticket, I am not trying to justify an action I plan to take, just telling you what I might get if I won the lottery.  I don't buy lottery tickets either, I am not a gambler--I know it could end badly, but I just wanted to know if anyone had done it, my lawyer says most people do, but no one here has ever talked about it.  That's it, sorry for bringing it up. 

And about my sitch--even in the best of times, H was a poor planner, calling me at least five times a day to confirm and reconfirm even the simplest things--like what time to pick up the kids from school--the same time as every day the last four years, hon...  He is the stereotypical absent minded professor.  I have learned that in his current state, he is even worse, and he is secretive, and I think really just confused, so any discussions about anything end up being a fight.  We had an online argument for two weeks because he would not/could not, I have no idea, tell me what day he was leaving with the kids for vacation--am I out of line, I wanted to plan MY vacation, and that was all I wanted "what day are you planning to leave and return?"  I did not ask for an itinerary or details, nothing, I generally trust him, but I could show you the pages of spew I got in return, but for two weeks, no date...  And at the end of it, I got an "I thought I told you..."  He's crazy AND a poor planner... 

I have learned to just go with it and not pick up the rope.  I bend when I can, hold firm when I can't, but I do dig for as much info as I can to protect and prepare myself and so I can have fewer of those arguments.  OP, I asked him for an academic calendar so I would know when his breaks and holidays are, and that turned into a fight, well I can get it myself, but I felt like it was only right to ask, so I wasn't digging in stuff he considers none of my business.  And he changes the schedule all the time, again this week, once again screwing up the kids' plans...  Remember, we think he may be in MLC... Do you know how hard it is to co-parent with a sane person you actually get along with--I know a couple people who do it, and it's hard even in the best situation, but with a crazy man living halfway across the country, it's, well crazy.  So my dream of an ally is a good one for me, someone who will tell me where my kids are and when they are coming home.  But I am not going to do it, I promise, and I don't recommend it for anyone else, I just wanted to know if anyone already had... 

So I am not sure what you think I am trying to fix for him, is this really about him?  I gave up trying to fix him 18 years ago, I COMPENSATED, and I still seem to have to do that, if anyone knows another way, I am game, I have tried every way I know.  I can try legal action, but that would be expensive and useless--he really just can't do it, and I don't know why, he does his job, so it is not an ability thing, it is a motivation thing and he's always been this way, I can't fix him, but I do still have to live with it.   

After proofing this, I realized that someone responded to another of my posts that my H was not detached.  And it is only now I think that may be true.  That he is using my kids not as weapons but as a way to still control me, to maintain that attachment.  Well, that was an eye opener, but I don't know what to do with that.  I guess it makes sense, I always thought that what he wanted was me and his family and her on the side, but I wouldn't go for it, I guess he can't stop trying.  But it really doesn't matter, can I even try to understand that--does anyone?   

[OldPilot]

 I realized that someone responded to another of my posts that my H was not detached.  And it is only now I think that may be true.  That he is using my kids not as weapons but as a way to still control me, to maintain that attachment.  Well, that was an eye opener, but I don't know what to do with that.  I guess it makes sense, I always thought that what he wanted was me and his family and her on the side, but I wouldn't go for it, I guess he can't stop trying.  But it really doesn't matter, can I even try to understand that--does anyone?   

Ok I totally agree that he is trying to use the children as a way to control you and stay attached.

That is what I meant by using them as weapons but I am not always as eloquent as I should be.

Don't feel bad about having this topic, I think that some good may come out of it.

I said that I don't know the complete answer but discussing it might bring more clarity to the sich.
Your description of him is MLC to the MAX and I completely understand your frustration with dealing with a crazy, controlling person.
It is at best difficult.

There needs to be some sort of boundary, I am not really sure I know more than that.

Maybe someone else can help you out with some ideas.

[Buggy31]

They DEFINITELY use the kids to stay attached to the LBS....I completely agree....because when the drama dies down...as they become closer with OP well the need more drama fuel...this is my .02 cents....so eventually there has to be some sort of letting go with the kids....of course you could never detach about your kids...but you do have to get to a point where you accept your spouse as DEAD and  be satisfied that they are safe in his care and be the best mom you can be when your with them...TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE crazy when they are gone...I don't have teenagers so I know that in some ways it's trickier with them but basically your MLCer is going to push your buttons using the kids....ESPECIALLY if you are independant...not causing much drama....not totally depressed....getting a Life because they are JEALOUS too....really...so they lash out with the kids often..but they are smart too....so be aware and steer clear and let him fall into his pit...or as LG likes to say "swirl in the toilet bowl".  Rest assured that the more he bothers you....the more his life probably s***s on the other end...and in MLC his life with other woman being sh**y doesn't reveal anything about his process but at least you know and you can move on.

Oh I read a great article in a literary magazine for mamas.  (let me know if you want the name) and it was about single mothers and the stigma of that label.  The author  ended a quote saying....

"I'm a good mother...whether I'm married or not".....it's a very simple idea but it speaks VOLUMES about the type of healing needed as a mama whose traveling the crisis.  IT made so much sense.  You are the same mother you always were....now you just have an additional child... 

HUGS
BUGS

[LisaLives]

 IT made so much sense.  You are the same mother you always were....now you just have an additional child...   


But Bugs, I didn't ask for that other one, and I want to give him back!  We could market both of ours as a package deal--"Two for one crazy exH's, free to a bad home (preferably on a small island with no internet in the middle of the Atlantic, or Arctic) we'll pay $1000 S&H and all travel expenses, no refunds or exchanges."  I'm gonna go put it on Craig's List... 

S$%^ this week I was ready to sell the other two into slavery, so no, the third one I can definitely live without.  And my kids are in the game stage now--oh you won't buy it, OW will (and she does, or he does and let's them think it's her), I hate you, I'm moving in with Dad...  MLC Olympics, my exH is aiming for the gold in Teen Manipulation...
   

[Standing in Patience]

LL,

How about Alcatraz? Small island, bad accommodations, and probably no internet there!