[LettingGo]

Smitty... thanks so much for sharing this..... your husband HAS AN UNDERSTANDING that is priceless.....  he will be FINE, but it is something he has to do himself with you in the background... there is overlap of OW R and marriage R.... there just IS....

If I had to speculate on my husband even GETTING to OW withdrawal..... I'd put it WAAAAAY out there at about a year.... that's to make room for him still being in contact "as friends" or whatever... he gets MORE and MORE tired of her and her antics.... but who knows what the BREAKING POINT will be? The fact that your husband is telling you this indicates he is DETERMINED to not go down that path again.... no matter what she does... but he has to run the OW gauntlet... she will pull out ALL the stops!!

Amazing what these OW do.....disgusting!! NO self respect!! It's ALL DRAMA, ALL THE TIME!! Mine told me the other day that his OW texts and calls him after a fight with a lot of "Ill do whatever it takes to win your love.... I'll take whatever you will give me... I love you THAT MUCH!!! I know it's wrong... but I can't help myself....I will CHANGE!!! Things will be different for us!! We are soul mates!!! Please don't leave me I might die without you!!" sort of stuff... then he said "I think I deleted all of them, but maybe I can find...." and I said "No, I really don't want to see them...."

Now, in the past, when they would "break up" and he would claim it was OVER FOR GOOD, but I would doubt him and tell him to give me his phone, his face would turn pale and he would say "maybe I kept some of her messages so I could listen to them over again, but I HAVEN'T listened to them...." and I would know it wasn't over. It is POSSIBLE that THIS time, he actually HAS deleted all of her messages and texts... but the curiosity of wanting to see what she says to him can suck him in again... still, if my husband actually HAS deleted them?? It's an improvement... Then again, he might have just been posturing with the "I think I deleted all of them, but MAYBE, I could find ONE...." who knows???

So, if it were me... I would just assume I have another YEAR of possible contact and reconnection..... the breakup takes forever, from what I've heard.

[Sassyone]

My H's exOW bought him literally.  Paid for his apartment, secret phone, furnished it, supplied it with cooking utensils down to a spice rack, towels, matching bathroom accessories and bath mat!  Literally she was making sure he had every comfort of home, even dust mite covers for his pillows ( ).  She was mothering him all the way.  When he was conflicted, she offered to pay for his rent and all his food.  It was absolutely disqusting.  She is completely controlling and manipulative.  As soon as I started to not react and just let him be (I was honest but not reactive) was when he turned the corner.  She had him convenienced to not tell me where he lived because I would be outside screaming (she knows nothing about me I have way more pride than that).  Funny thing is I gave all her crap to goodwill and a nice leather coach and kitchnette set to G4ME.  My H's little 4 day move out experiement cost me $5K and he had to write her a check to pay back the $3K he borrowed from her!  Yikes they can't see beyond their toes and act like 16 year olds and do not think of consequences.

Sit back, be patient and let him come to you.  Reach pursue/distance (you distance).  It works.  My H is always pursuing now, but it took about 4-5 weeks.  It is hard to watch, but there is an overlap no matter how much we hate it.  You will have great days, limbo days and horrible days.  After you have your first huge fight over this whole MLC/OW thing and he doesn't bolt, then you will know.  Keep your feelings to yourself as much as possible until he can go through this and then slowly you can let out truth darts.  Trust your gut.

Keep posting and keep us updated with your sitch.

[OldPilot]

Merged this in  with a previous thread on this subject that HB had also contributed to.

[kikki]

Found this - HB had written this earlier in the year:

Once into OW/OM Withdrawal, they are

1. GRIEVING the end/loss of the affair and of the affair partner,

2  processing the SHAME and GUILT of the addiction they'd once felt, that also drove them to what they did, and

3.  processing the meaning of the connection they'd forged with the affair partner, even though they know they were wrong, did wrong, and what they did was wrong.

4.  They also have to process through the addiction itself to rid themselves of it...

That's why IF they reconnect with the affair partner, the affair will start up again, and OW/OM Withdrawal will end until they make the break once again; then OW/OM Withdrawal will start up from the beginning again, after ALL contact is broken.

What drives them back multiple times is the real sense of responsibility that they are at fault for having dragged this "fine" person into the mess they made..that's why they're often defensive and protective of the affair partner.  They feel guilt and shame over knowing they must dump them; but for a time weakness keeps them down.....until they become emotionally ready to break it down completely,  and the affair must also become very unsatisfactory to them; they will remain in this status quo.

Anytime you make a emotional connection with someone whether legal or illegal, that person lays claim to a place within your head and heart, when the connection/relationship ends, this is grieved through and processed.

Within the OW/OM Withdrawal, this same connection is also processed through, and broken completely; and the affair person is "purged" from their head, and heart.

They also DO miss the affair partner; more what they did for them, than the actual person themselves, but they have associated and attributed their addictions, highs etc., TO this person, and so they grieve out a whole lot of feelings, various emotions, including dealing with what was within them, whether it was a character fault, or other such issue, that drove them to do what they did, and these are all processed to a final end.

This has to occur and end BEFORE the person who's had the affair will start turning to the one they cheated on again.

For what it's worth, affair partners who are dumped; that didn't wish to be dumped, go through the SAME behaviors of clinging, begging, pleading, and grieving that the LBS goes through when the MLC'er drops the bomb on them expectedly.  The difference here is the LBS attains the tools of the journey of a lifetime, whereas the OW/OM who gets dumped, doesn't learn these things, and within a given time, gets into another affair with someone else, repeating the same patterns again, and again, and again.

There are very real problems within men and women who have affairs; and these problems aren't much different than the MLC'ers who get involved with them.

Maybe this will help; this was courtesy of not only what I saw my husband go through, but also, a whole lot of research done some years ago on my part; and nothing has really changed in this aspect, believe it, or not.

[Dandy Lion]

This was very interesting Kikki, thanks for posting it.

[Shantilly Lace]

Sassyone.
Hmm I have had a few huge fights this past month with Dearheart and he hasn't run. In fact he's dug in deeper to stay even tho I have thrown it in his face. Don't think he's ready yet but maybe he's processed more than I thought.

[Sassyone]

SL:

I remember my first huge fight with my H after he committed to stay.  I was sure that he was going to run back to OW as that is what he had always done (even when I wasn't aware.)  I have talked to him about this and he told me no he made his decision and he knows I have a lot of hurt and anger that will take a long time to work through.  (He forgets that sometimes in the heat of the moment.)   I find that I am triggered by things and my insecurity makes me reactive, I am learning slowly (with the help of therapy) to let go of OW.  She was a symptom not the cause, but I still hate the symptoms, just like the flu. 

[stayingthecourse]

How does the withdrawal work with an EA? If there is no PA?

[ece711]

How does the withdrawal work with an EA? If there is no PA?

stc,

It works the same...  anything that a person is/was addicted too, there will be "withdrawal".  For example: If you know a friend that smoked or is trying to quit smoking?  The tendency is when they try to quit "cold turkey" notice them gaining some weight due to them trying to fulfill their addiction with something else.  Same as dieting (to lose weight), the best approach is to gradually do it and not to do it "cold turkey".  I hope these examples gives you an idea when it comes to withdrawal.

[Battlefield]

Thanks LG,
Last night was better we all ate dinner together as a family,after cleaning up I went to take a shower bc I bbq(smoke). He came in the bathroom which i have noticed when I take a shower he always comes in there just to say a few things, Then I stayed in the bedroom bc the kids were playing video games in the living room.  He came in there and was sitting on the bed watching T.V.  It was pretty quiet for a bit but we slowly started talking about what we were watching. He had a bunch of text that were from work so he was on the computer for work to work on schedule. I have noticed he always mentions who just text him like last night when he gets texts he will just talk about what they are so i am aware they are from work. IDK i never ask or anything I guess he wants to make sure I know they are not from OW. We talked a bit while watching T.V until we just went to bed.  I am just not asking any questions or talking about anything just letting it be until he is ready. I think the great thing is he has an understanding of the situation, which is wonderful. Just going to take some time to work through!