[Buggy31]

Please please please do not pass onto your MLCer...it is not the point of this information.

This information is for you.

To open your eyes.

To help you see through the fog of anger and depression and grief

To keep YOU connected to reality.

And to reiterate the fact that these things will take care of themselves with time.

What you resist persists.

This was written by a psychologist that went through a bit of an MLC himself...IMO...his wife dropped the rope.

He WOKE up.

I know this is sooooooooooo hard but vent here and use YOUR knowledge as power to move forward and TRUST in greater things.

HUGS
BUGS

[growing every day]

Thanks for the article Buggy. It does help to clarify. Doesn't make it any less painful but gives some insight.

[Synicca]

Thanks Buggy for putting that up.....I think it is really important for everyone to understand
that there is no importance with the Affair....

I made the mistake before in my M to compare myself to the OW and that does nothing but distroy
your self esteem...and Who needs that???

I truly believe ( in my sitch ) that my H's PA wont last past the 2 year mark or even sooner.
Since I have been told from H what their R is like....Good and Bad. I see no normalcy in it what so ever.

a sick, twisted way of thinking...just like in this article. The fantasy plays the role of the R...but reality
always sets in when life takes over....when you still gotta get up for work each day, and your partner
burbs and passes gas and picks his nose....All the realities set in and all you have left is the Affair down
to look at each morning....Eeeek! and I would hate to be in their shoes once that happens...LOL!!!


The pain still rocks you to the core...but once you reach a point of letting the PA/EA go....you can move on
with detachment better....

[arp1]

You bet I'm bitter and angry. I'm absolutely boiling mad at the moment.     

All the months I've suffered her mind games, blaming me, finding fault, playing down her 'friend', playing nice when it suited. I'm sick of it. She's going to face up to this once and for all and pay the price.

Affairs must run in her family. Both of her sisters have had affairs and I know other relatives did too. What the f**ck did I marry into! 

[Synicca]

Arp....

That is all natural...anger will come and go when you least expect it...but remember to validate it and then release
it to God or your higher power...Holding onto anger is one of the worst health dostroyers out there...
Guilt being number #1, I believe anyway...

Write it out....punch a bag....go for a drive...and stop somewhere and scream at the top of your lungs!! I've done it
alot...Let the anger go....but remember where you Want to be...

I am just like you...I want to give up every other week...I get angry and then tell myself "whats the point"
But after I let it go...I can move on....Maybe Arp, Even go cry. It's really ok to cry....


Here is a ((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))) for you!!

[unbroken]

You bet I'm bitter and angry. I'm absolutely boiling mad at the moment.     

All the months I've suffered her mind games, blaming me, finding fault, playing down her 'friend', playing nice when it suited. I'm sick of it. She's going to face up to this once and for all and pay the price.

Affairs must run in her family. Both of her sisters have had affairs and I know other relatives did too. What the f**ck did I marry into! 

Hi arp1,
I'm sorry you're overwhelmed at the moment.
She deserves everything you want to give her. 
The problem is the only one you're really going to hurt is yourself.
She won't "get it".  She's lost.
The woman you love is in there struggling,  Be patient for her.
Set boundaries to protect yourself from this woman and then just see what happens.
Let some of that anger go.  Go for a run or something.
Hang in there.

[limitless]

LIW,
Very good post!
And, really right on the money.
Arp - you cannot do anything worse to her than she has already done to herself.
All you can do is take care of you.
If you take ANY action - that action needs to be for your own protection....not as a means to hurt her.  Even though you want to hurt her (as she as hurt you) - you will not find any solace in taking that action.  You will not find solace in hurting her.  Trust me on this.

Take care of yourself.

L

[StandandDeliver]

Arp, so sorry that you have had your suspicions confirmed. The truth is that very few MLCers don't have affairs. There is an interesting article somewhere that also talks about the different reactions that men and women TEND to have towards infidelity; it is a generalisation but it is worth thinking about as you take some time to process the news.

IT seems that men often find the most challenging part of an affair the sexual intimacy aspect of the whole thing whereas for women it is often the emotional intimacy that their partner shares with another. There are some theories about how women and men express love which explain this difference. Of course, we ALL have an element of anger and betrayal about both aspects, but if a woman found out that her husband was having a mainly sexual relationship it is likely she would find it easier to get over than an "emotionally bonded" relationship while a man may be able to get past an emotional "friendship" but if it has turned sexual they often find it almost unforgivable. Obviously, I am not saying one reaction is better than the other, but when we are dealing with MLC (whether we are male or female) often we are dealing with both a PA and an EA rolled into one. So it is a betrayal of everything. THat is because they are not looking for a fling, or a good friend, they are looking for a total escape from their life; an all powerful "in love" relationship that will prove that their lives are better than the mundane normality that life with their spouse has become. I tried to have a discussion with my H about the nature of true love, saying that love was not just a feeling, love was an action and a choice. He disagreed. In MLC he has jumped on board with the idea that love is all about feelings (like in the article posted on this thread). He was adamant and looked at me as if I came from another planet when I told him that love was more complicated than just a feeling. He also couldn't remember "feeling" the same way about me 16 years ago although I KNOW that the start of our relationship was intense and passionate and full of infatuation hormones flying around for more than a year - our friends used to joke that we were never out of the bedroom and couldn't keep our hands off of each other - those memories don't exist for H right now and I can only imagine that it is MLC that has caused the rewrite.

Anyway, what she has done is painful and wrong and awful. But it is not the same woman that you were married to making these choices. It is a bit like aliens come down and inhabit their bodies for  a while. They need to realise that the infatuation will die with EVERY relationship they enter, but it will take time for that to happen. The thing is that during that time they are encountering an infatuation with a damaged OP and as a damaged OP. The relationship is not "pure" it is based on hurting so many people and disrupting so many lives and is all about a fantasy that NO REALITY can live up to. But if we are reactive we add fuel to the fire; we allow them to justify what they have done. "See what a big jerk my H is, look how he reacts, he doesnt even care if I am happy, he never has" or "well, he is such an angry man you can see why I HAD to have an affair and leave him!" The ONLY way to win this, is to be calm and detach, but you can't do that the day you find out, so you need to apply the rule that jilly mentioned. Give yourself a time frame before you do anything drastic. You may still want to, but better to do it from a position of calm than intense anger. It is never a good idea to make huge life altering decisions based on intense anger.

Please think about the advice offered here. We have all been where you are. I was there 8 months ago and had to listen to H tell me in far too much detail how wonderful the sex and the relationship with OW was. I wanted to file then and there. Actually, I wanted to pack up my kids and move to the other side of the world so he could never see them again, just to punish him. That ( I think) is normal.

But 8 mths on, I haven't filed. I am working on me and I may still get to a place where I wish to divorce but I will do it from a place of peace. Where I am at peace with the end of the R, at peace with who I am, at peace with the idea that H's affair and abandonment is absolutely not a reflection on me as a person. I am getting there. There is no rush. Honestly. I am sad still at times and I have angry moments (sometimes angry days) but I am at a place in my life where I am starting to feel like if H came back to me, I would be making a real, considered choice. And if I said, no - it is not going to happen it would not be out of spite or hate or anger. It would be because I had outgrown what he can ever hope to offer me. So, sorry about the lecture, I don't mean it to come off all teachery, but I really think giving yourself a day or two before reacting may be the best way.

Big HUGS!!!

[Foxberry]

Dear arp1,

I feel your pain and I am so sad for you     but read all the wonderful advice you've been given above.... I am still in a bad place to give you advice but I know good posts when I read them!  It is exactly a year for me when I believe that the emotional affair with OW started, but I didn't get the BD until September.. I have still not filed for D yet, although I feel I won't have a choice financially.  But don't send your wife the link that Buggy put up...it is so true to US on our side of the fence, but I doubt your wife will even read it! yet alone recognise herself in it... It is so very sad but true, at the moment she can't see anything but her own happiness and you will probably give her the "justification" she needs that leaving you was the right thing to do....

Come back to the Forum to vent your anger, but your boys need you at the moment as they will be hurting too...

Love and hugs
Fox xxx

[StillStanding]

You bet I'm bitter and angry. I'm absolutely boiling mad at the moment.     

As well you should be; it's perfectly normal to be angry when someone you love and trust betrays that trust. As a man who has been through the exact same scenario, I understand some of what you are going through.
 

All the months I've suffered her mind games, blaming me, finding fault, playing down her 'friend', playing nice when it suited. I'm sick of it. She's going to face up to this once and for all and pay the price.

However, reacting out of anger is NOT the best thing to do.

You think it will just be her paying the price, but it will be everyone around you as well, including yourself. You will force people to "pick sides", pitting "your" friends against "her" friends. You will poison your family against her, which can make it harder to reconcile down the road, if that is something you choose to do. You may think that you can turn her family against her, but when it comes down to it, she is their daughter, or niece, or sister; you will end up being the bitter ex-husband.

Affairs must run in her family. Both of her sisters have had affairs and I know other relatives did too. What the f**ck did I marry into! 

That is a very good question; I'm curious to know if her parents are divorced, and if either of them had an affair. People tend to model their relationships by what they see around them, so if you are raised to think that marriage is something you just walk away from when it's not fulfilling for you, or that you have to do "what feels right", then that is what you will tend to do.

With that in mind, you might want to think about what divorcing your wife, especially in anger, will do to your kids. You will teach them that love is conditional and that offenses can never be forgiven. You will make it harder for them to have healthy relationships, and make them more likely to end up facing divorce.

The best thing in the world for you to do right now is NOTHING. We frequently cite a "48-hour rule" around here, in that it's best to wait 48 hours before making any major decision.