[toughtimes]

Sounds like insecurity to me, does he have abandonment issues?

[CallanG]

Hi TT

He as huge abandoment issues , this whole crisis came about because he though I did not love him (in his head) and therefore he saboutaged the marriage so that he could be the one to leave, he has a history of this behaviour . We used to call it his self destruct button .

[Albatross]

Hi TT

He as huge abandoment issues , this whole crisis came about because he though I did not love him (in his head) and therefore he saboutaged the marriage so that he could be the one to leave, he has a history of this behaviour . We used to call it his self destruct button .

It is part of MLCers script. How they can't love they think that other people are like them so, they assume that we don't love them either. That is part of rationalizations which then release them from guilt, ie. "He/she does not love me, so I can now find someone who will."

[sobeit]

So do they bring the moodiness, forgetfulness, sullen withdrawl and brooding into the relationship with PW?
Or do they wear the perpetual bliss mask while in this fake bandaid relationship?

[Albatross]

So do they bring the moodiness, forgetfulness, sullen withdrawl and brooding into the relationship with PW?
Or do they wear the perpetual bliss mask while in this fake bandaid relationship?

They wear mask with them. But they actually have a lot masks for different people. And they want to show self in best way what they could do. And they believe that they are good, that they aren't depressed. And also idolize OM/OW.

[lawprofessor]

Hi Sobeit!

I have a different view of the mask and the time spent with OW based on my own situations and observations which differs from that of Albatross.

If I may comment on your question?  In my experience with J and with my Genius, the answer is an absolute yes, they bring these lovely  traits into the other relationship.  And the answer is also no. It depends on the situation.

If I may explain what I mean?

If the MLCer is in a manic phase, the traits are subdued/hidden.  The happy mask is in place. 

But to OW, at other times, he lets it all hang out in my experience.  She will get to experience the sullenness and nastiness.  After a manic phase with Genius, I said to him, "Hey Great!  She gets the best side of you, the fun side and I get h*ll."  He looked so puzzled and replied, "What makes you think this is the best side of me?  I don't take her sh*t ever, she gets what I give her and is happy to get that.  Lucky to get that.  She does what I say when I say."  I only meant that she and he did some fun things that I would have always wanted to try.  I certainly did not mean the moods.  But I thought the comment was telling anyhow.

With J, he showed the OW the whole dark side in spades.  He said, "I was confused.  If OW could not find my car keys, I yelled and threw things.  If she cried I didn't car, and would tell her shut the f*ck up and do her job, keep track of my keys.  If I forgot something she better remember it.  If I wanted quiet, she better make it happen.  Kids or no kids. 

The OW may not know they were once different since she does not know him as well.  He has always been like this with her, so that is just the way he is to her.  The OW is just so damaged she puts up with it and expects it.  He chose her because she is weak and will put up with it I suppose. 

In any case, I have seen the mask put on in seconds, and removed just as quickly.  OW or no other woman with both my Genius and J.  Some act that way with family, siblings, parents, children and at work as well.

Just my experience.  Yours may be completely different but somehow I doubt it. 

[Searching4Answers]

The OW may not know they were once different since she does not know him as well.  He has always been like this with her, so that is just the way he is to her.  The OW is just so damaged she puts up with it and expects it.  He chose her because she is weak and will put up with it I suppose. 

This has also been my experience; I know that H treated her poorly. I couldn't understand what she saw him, then I realized that she was just as screwed up as he was. H will use her in any way he sees fit and she is so desperate that she wants it  It looks like H is seeing her again - he left her to try to and work things out with me and she is taking him back, wow. Granted who knows what he is telling her.

[toughtimes]

My MlCer is lovely to ow I think. She apparently adores him and vice versa. I don't get any impression he is ever taking his moods out on anyone but me! My MiL reports that he is exhausted when she sees him, she doesn't see him much though. The mask is on with everyone else.
MLCer is rude and ignorant to me.

[lawprofessor]

Hi Toughtimes,
In my experience it is easy to believe they are angels to OP, that they adore each other and such.  Perhaps that is true in your case, but perhaps that is the mask he wishes to show to you and the public currently.  We never really know what goes on behind closed doors until much later in the process I believe based on my experience.  For example, I would have sworn J loved OW very much.  But he made her do disgusting things, demeaned her often, and physically abused her as was revealed later in their relationship. 

OW still adores him to this day and would take him back into her home if he would but say the word.

Interesting you mention the exhausted point.  Genius was always exhausted when he was at his mother's house.  It was in response to his manic behavior prior and the feeling of going home to momma and safety when he was there.  He could let his guard down, let his mask slip and be a child again with mommy looking out for him for a few hours.

[Searching4Answers]

We never really know what goes on behind closed doors until much later in the process I believe based on my experience.  For example, I would have sworn J loved OW very much.  But he made her do disgusting things, demeaned her often, and physically abused her as was revealed later in their relationship. 

OW still adores him to this day and would take him back into her home if he would but say the word.

I don't know much about the current situation with H and OW1 but before it sounded very similar to lawprofessors description. I know that my H is using any women he can to fulfill his fantasies; he has no respect for them, I don't even know if he has any respect for himself anymore  Maybe that is why he is so disrespectful to me................projecting?