[gimlan]

I love this thread!!! I don't have too much to add, because so much has been said already, but for me it has been the very combination of GAL:ing -- just learning to treat myself kindly and looking after myself, my mental, physical and social health -- and to look inside myself. For me (and, as it seems for so many others on here), these two aspects go together. I went to therapy for a while, I excercised regularly, meditated, became more social (I forced myself to see friends in the beginning because I had been so isolated that I had gotten rusty at it), ate nice and (most of the time) healthy food. Beginning to meditate was definitely a turning point for me. Initially, it was to deal with the stress, but it gradually became more about introspection and agape love (I have done a lot of loving-kindness meditations, both to practice loving others and to practice loving myself). I now considered myself as healed as I think I can get -- even though I think there will always be a scar left, as with everything else in life. The thing is, I did not manage to reconnect, and I think my XH is still in replay (or just gone), but the benefits I had from the GAL:ing and mirror work far, far exceeds "moving on" from XH and how he hurt me. I am better at relationships in general, for example: better with S, with friends, at work. I have become an expert (if I say so myself) at managing conflicts, and set healthy boundaries because I know that I matter, too.

Hugs & strength,

Gx   

[Songanddance]

And how do I find out all the other issues that I possibly could have ??
for example  :The controlling issue ...
how could I fix that within myself ??or what is the thought process to address it and working on it..
again I just would like to know how I fix something inside or how do I know that it is fixed ?

The issues that you may have emerge as you continue down the detaching route.

Re control - it really is a question of working out how you control. Do you seek to fix situations - find items for others - have a particular way to load the dishwasher and ensure every one else follows. I know these seem trivial but to other people - they may seem controlling.

I am a teacher and control in the classroom is essential - problem is - I was bringing the teacher home with me. That is one level of control I had to remove. 

I have found that I had developed poor neuro linguistic skills - probably started with my mother controlling me. I always had to feel good enough and therefore my language was slowly converting my thinking and behaviour.  Add that to the control factor and you have a controlling person that seeks worth through the ability to be a fixer and needing to be a fixer.
So with the help of my T I have begun to change my language.  I deliberately remember not to use the word "but" in a sentence and replace it with "and" when validating other people and my own actions.

I am aware that I still take things too personally and my S gets so frustrated with me. He makes a comment and I sometimes think it is a criticism of me. It's not - so that is my mirror work for the moment.

You learn how to change as you change - you find new things to change as you change. It is not a prescriptive list.

Ironically a prescriptive list is indicative of a controlling person desiring to "fix" themselves or the problem.

You will find what mirror work you need to do - just remember it is never finished. None of us are ever finished products.

[calamity]

S&D, If I thought about this for about an hour I could probably figure it out but...it would be easier for me if you explained it.    But is my favourite word.

So with the help of my T I have begun to change my language.  I deliberately remember not to use the word "but" in a sentence and replace it with "and" when validating other people and my own actions.

I think that control is THE issue when it comes to mlc because, despite knowing your spouse for decades, you have NO control over them or their mlc.  Difficult to accept even if you are not a control freak.

[in it]

Difficult but true. Unless they may have done something to you can focus on to scare the $h!te right out of them.

For me? Being able to have him arrested if he comes anywhere near me controls him and frees me.

My issues are trust I think that's the biggest one.

After all of the crap I put myself through and tolerated I had a difficult time trusting ANYBODY ..I'm getting better. 

[in it]

Found online:

7 Ways to Stop Being Treated Like a Doormat
COMMUNICATION RELATIONSHIPS BY STEVE ERREY

Being treated like a doormat sucks.

It can happen for no apparent rhyme or reason; people using you, treating you like a dogsbody, walking all over you or not thinking about what you want or what’s best for you. The trouble is, the more it happens, the more you feel like you can’t change it; the more it happens the smaller you get.

Here are some practical ways that you can stop being treated like a doormat, and start being treated with respect.

you deserve better

1. Start With You
If someone else is devaluing you there’s a good chance that you’re doing the same thing, so change has to start with you. Be radically honest with yourself—do you feel like you deserve to be treated with respect? Do you feel worthy of respect and do you feel good enough to fit in?

Change starts with you dialing up your self-worth; something that can be started in the following ways:

a. Really give yourself credit for your achievements—all those things you’ve done and gone through in your life.
b. Get to know your values—those things that are woven through you and are the cornerstones for who you are.
c. Prioritise the nourishment of your body, mind, and heart—nobody else can keep you nourished and caring for yourself.

2. Start Teaching Others
One of the best things I heard from TV’s Dr Phil was

“You teach people how to treat you“.

That’s bang-on.

Your response to someone’s behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable, so if you roll over and take whatever they give, the message is that it’s okay for them to do that. And people will always do what works for them until they have evidence that it doesn’t work, or that there’s a better way. We’re kinda dumb like that.

If someone is regularly treating you like a doormat, their behaviour is not okay. Your task, and I get how scary this might seem, is to change your response to start giving them that message. This doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic showdown; it can be done gently and with the same respect that you want. You might be scared, but you know what you need to do.

As the famous line goes, help them help you.

3. Stop Being a Bottomless Pit
It’s great to do things for other people, unless the act of doing things for other people is how you get validation, of course.

Being a people-pleaser might begin with the best intentions, but if you’re not careful, you keep on doing so because you want to see how pleased they are with what you’ve done or even to hear those magic words: “Thank you”. Being a people-pleaser can turn you into a bottomless pit—that not only sees others take advantage of you, but seriously damages your self-esteem.

People-pleasing is not a selfless act; it’s a selfish one.

It’s a flawed way to feel good about yourself, so stop it. How can you be more generous with yourself? And how would it be if you could be generous for others, not because of any validation but because there’s value in the very act of giving?

4. Apply Confidence
If you’re used to people walking all over you, it’s likely that you’re not used to asserting yourself. You might even feel like you’re powerless, but I guarantee you that you have natural confidence that you can apply to start effecting change.

Think of something you do, where the question of whether you can do it or never arises. This might be doing something you do at home (like cooking a meal, laughing with your partner or decorating a room), it might be something at work (like taking part in a meeting, writing a report or seeing a way through a problem) or it might be something you do socially (like chatting with a friend, ordering wine at a restaurant or meeting someone new).

Natural confidence is being able to trust your behaviour with implicit faith in your abilities, so when you’re doing something, there’s no doubt about your ability to do it—you have full confidence. Applying that same sense of confidence to a new situation is what allows you to operate right at the edge or just out of your comfort zone, and this will feel uncomfortable.

That feeling of discomfort isn’t the enemy and it doesn’t mean you don’t have confidence, it just means you’re someplace new. Trust yourself to do what’s best.



5. You’re Not Alone

If your ill-treatment has been happening for some time you might be feeling isolated in your experience, so it can be extraordinarily useful and important to talk about it, or even to ask for some support or help. Other people are going through what you’re going through, and you don’t have to do this alone.

Asking someone you trust to talk about what’s happening is not only a great way to offload a little, it just might allow you to step back enough to see a fresh perspective or another way through. You don’t need anyone to fix things for you, so don’t let that be your motivation here—the point is to connect with another human being so that you’re supported through this.

Think about this way: if a good friend of yours was going through the same thing, wouldn’t you want to hear about it and support them in attaining something better?

6. Raise Your Expectations
An easy life is one thing, but sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will fix themselves is crazy—as is setting your expectations so low that you expect to be treated like a doormat. There’s a massive cost to lowering your expectations to that kind of level, and the act of lowering your expectations and accepting bad treatment can be more damaging in the long run that the bad treatment itself.

Don’t ever make assumptions about what you should put up with or what you should expect. If you’re going to have any expectations about how things should go, base them on what you’d love to see happen, not what you wish wasn’t happening.

7. If All Else Fails

If you’ve truly done all you can to change things and to stop being treated like a doormat and nothing seems to work, then get the hell out. Life is way too short to have your experience of it and your self-esteem damaged by someone else, and sometimes you need to make a brave choice.

If you need to, be willing to remove yourself from the situation or relationship and start building the kind of life you’d love to live.

You Deserve Better

You don’t need to “keep on keeping on”, and you don’t need to put up with being treated like a doormat.

IMHO

You deserve better, so make a start. And it wouldn't hurt to stop communicating with people who only seek to say cruel things and try to hurt you.  Even if just talking to them hurts..... give your heart a break and stop.

[in it]

Found on Psychology Today:

If you look under the Self-Help heading on Amazon, you’ll find roughly 5,000 books listed under the sub-head Self-Esteem.  The vast majority of these books aim to not only tell you why your self-esteem might be low, but to show you how to get your hands on some more of it. It’s a thriving business because self-esteem is, at least in Western cultures, considered the bedrock of individual success. You can’t possibly get ahead in life, the logic goes, unless you believe you are perfectly awesome.

And of course you must be perfectly awesome in order to keep believing that you are – so you live in quiet terror of making mistakes, and feel devastated when you do.

Your only defense is to refocus your attention on all the things you do well, mentally stroking your own ego until it has forgotten this horrible episode of unawesomeness and moved on to something more satisfying.

When you think about it, this doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for success, does it?

  Indeed, recent reviews (link is external) of the research on high self-esteem have come to the troubling conclusion that it is not all it’s cracked up to be.  High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. 

High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview. But if Stuart Smalley (link is external) is wrong, and high self-esteem (along with daily affirmations of your own terrificness) is not the answer to all your problems, then what is?

A growing body of research, including new studies (link is external) by Berkeley’s Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, suggest that self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, may be the key to unlocking your true potential for greatness.

Now, I know that some of you are already skeptical about a term like “self-compassion.”  But this is a scientific, data-driven argument – not feel-good pop psychology.  So hang in there and keep an open mind.

Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding – it’s embracing the fact that to err is indeed human.

  When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego.  It’s not surprising that self-compassion leads, as many studies (link is external) show, to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness, and to less anxiety and depression.

But what about performance?  Self-compassion may feel good, but aren’t the people who are harder on themselves, who are driven to always be the best, the ones who are ultimately more likely to succeed?

To answer that, it’s important to understand what self-compassion is not.

While the spirit of self-compassion is to some degree captured in expressions like give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack, it is decidedly not the same thing as taking yourself off the hook or lowering the bar.  You can be self-compassionate while still accepting responsibility for your performance.  And you can be self-compassionate while striving for the most challenging goals – the difference lies not in where you want to end up, but in how you think about the ups and downs of your journey.  As a matter of fact, if you are self-compassionate, new research suggests you are more likely to actually arrive at your destination.

In their studies, Brienes and Chen asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem enhancing view of a setback or failure.   For example, when asked to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked to “imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective.  What would you say?”

Others were asked to instead focus on boosting their self-esteem: “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?”

People who experienced self-compassion were more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable.  Self-compassion – far from taking them off the hook - actually increased their motivation to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future.

This increased motivation lead to demonstrably superior performance. For instance, in one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores.  Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25 percent longer, and scored higher on a second test, than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.

Why is self-compassion so powerful? In large part, because it is non-evaluative – in other words, your ego is effectively out of the picture - you can confront your flaws and foibles head on.  You can get a realistic sense of your abilities and your actions, and figure out what needs to be done differently next time.

When your focus is instead on protecting your self-esteem, you can’t afford to really look at yourself honestly. You can’t acknowledge the need for improvement, because it means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings – threats to self-esteem that create feelings of anxiety and depression.  How can you learn how to do things right when it’s killing you to admit – even to yourself - that you’ve done them wrong?

Here’s an unavoidable truth:  You are going to screw up.  Everyone – including very successful people (link is external) – makes boatloads of mistakes. 

The key to success is, as everyone knows, to learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward. But not everyone knows how.

Self-compassion is the how you’ve been looking for. So please, give yourself a break.

[in it]

12 tips for Self Esteem from the positivity blog

1. Say stop to your inner critic.

A good place to start with raising your self-esteem is by learning how to handle and to replace the voice of your own inner critic.

We all have an inner critic.

It can spur you on to get things done or to do things to gain acceptance from the people in your life. But at the same time it will drag your self-esteem down.

This inner voice whispers or shouts destructive thoughts in your mind. Thoughts like for example:

You are lazy and sloppy, now get to work.
You aren’t good at your job at all and someone will figure that out and throw you out.
You are worse or uglier than your friend/co-worker/partner.
You don’t have to accept this though. There are ways to minimize that critical voice and to replace it with more helpful thoughts. You can change how you view yourself.

One way to do so is simply to say stop whenever the critic pipes up in your mind.

You can do this by creating a stop-word or stop-phrase.

As the critic says something – in your mind – shout: STOP!

Or use my favorite: No, no, no, we are not going there!

Or come up with a phrase or word that you like that stops the train of the thought driven by the inner critic.

Then refocus your thoughts to something more constructive. Like planning what you want to eat for dinner or your tactic for the next soccer game.

In the long run it also helps a lot to find better ways to motivate yourself than listening to your inner critic. So let’s move on to that…

2. Use healthier motivation habits.

To make the inner critic less useful for yourself and that voice weaker and at the same time motivate yourself to take action and raise your self-esteem it is certainly helps to have healthy motivation habits.

A few that I have used to replace and fill up much of the place that the inner critic once held in my mind are these:

Remind yourself of the benefits. A simple but powerful way to motivate yourself and to keep that motivation up daily is to write down the deeply felt benefits you will get from following this new path or reaching a goal.
Like for example getting into better shape and having more energy for your kids and the people close to you. Or making more money and through that being able to travel with the love of your life and experience wonderful new things together.
When your list is done then save it and put it somewhere where you will see it every day. For instance in your workspace or on your fridge.
Refocus on doing what YOU really, really like to do. When you really, really like doing something then the motivation to do that thing tends to comes pretty automatically. When you really want something in life then it also becomes easier to push through any inner resistance you feel.
So if you lose your motivation, ask yourself: Am I doing what I really want to do? If not and if possible, then refocus and start working on that very important thing instead.
After you have used your stop-word or phrase focus on one of these techniques. Over time it will become a habit and your inner critic will pop up a lot less often.

3. Take a 2 minute self-appreciation break.

This is a very simple and fun habit. And if you spend just two minutes on it every day for a month then it can make huge difference.

Here’s what you do:

Take a deep breath, slow down and ask yourself this question: what are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?

A few examples that have come up when I have used to this exercise are that I:

Help quite a few people each day through what I write.
Can make people laugh and forget about their troubles.
Am very thoughtful and caring when it comes to our cats.
These things don’t have to be big things.

Maybe just that you listened fully for a few minutes to someone who needed it today. That you took a healthy walk or bike ride after work. That you are a caring and kind person in many situations.

These short breaks do not only build self-esteem in the long run but can also turn a negative mood around and reload you with a lot of positive energy again.

4. Write down 3 things in the evening that you can appreciate about yourself.

This is a variation of the habit above and combining the two of them can be extra powerful for two boosts in self-esteem a day.

Or you may simply prefer to use this variation at the end of your day when you have some free time for yourself to spare.

What you do is to ask yourself the question from the last section:

What are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?

Write down your answers every evening in a journal made out of paper or on your computer/smart phone.

A nice extra benefit of writing it down is that after a few weeks you can read through all the answers to get a good self-esteem boost and change in perspective on days when you may need it the most.

5. Do the right thing.

When you do what you deep down think is the right thing to do then you raise and strengthen your self-esteem.

It might be a small thing like getting up from the couch and going to the gym. It could be to be understanding instead of judgmental in a situation. Or to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the opportunities and gratitude for what you actually have.

It is not always easy to do. Or even to know what the right thing is. But keeping a focus on it and doing it as best you can makes big difference both in the results you get and for how you think about yourself.

One tip that makes it easier to stay consistent with doing the right thing is to try to take a few such actions early in the day. Like for example giving someone a compliment, eating a healthy breakfast and working out.

This sets the tone for the rest of your day.

6. Replace the perfectionism.

Few thought habits can be so destructive in daily life as perfectionism.

It can paralyze you from taking action because you become so afraid of not living up to some standard. And so you procrastinate and you do not get the results you want. This will make your self-esteem sink.

Or you take action but are never or very rarely satisfied with what you accomplished and your own performance. And so your opinion and feelings about yourself become more and more negative and your motivation to take action plummets.

How can you overcome perfectionism?

A few things that really helped me are:

Go for good enough. When you aim for perfection then that usually winds up in a project or a task never being finished. So simply go for good enough instead. Don’t use it as an excuse to slack off. But simply realize that there is something called good enough and when you are there then you are finished.
Remember that buying into myths of perfection will hurt you and the people in your life. This simple reminder that life is not like in a movie, a song or a book can be good reality check whenever you are daydreaming of perfection. Because reality can clash with your expectations when they are out of this world and harm or even possibly lead to the end of relationships, jobs, projects  and so on.

7. Handle mistakes and failures in a more positive way.

If you go outside of your comfort zone, if you try to accomplish anything that is truly meaningful then you will stumble and fall along the way.

And that is OK. It is normal. It is what people that did something that truly mattered have done throughout all ages. Even if we don’t always hear about it as much as we hear about their successes.

So remember that. And when you stumble try this:

Be your own best friend. Instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself: How would my friend/parent support me and help me in this situation? Then do things and talk to yourself like he or she would. It keeps you from falling into a pit of despair and helps you to be more constructive after the first initial pain of a mistake or failure starts to dissipate.
Find the upside. Another way to be more constructive in this kind of situation is to focus on optimism and opportunities. So ask yourself: what is one thing I can learn from this? And what is one opportunity I can find in this situation? This will help you to change your viewpoint and hopefully not hit the same bump a little further down the road.

8. Be kinder towards other people.

When you are kinder towards others you tend to treat and think of yourself in a kinder way too. And the way you treat other people is how they tend to treat you in the long run.

So focus on being kind in your daily life.

You can for example:

Just be there and listen as you let someone vent.
Hold up the door for the next person.
Let someone into your lane while driving.
Encourage a friend or a family member when they are uncertain or unmotivated.
Take a few minutes help someone out in a practical way.

9. Try something new.

When you try something new, when you challenge yourself in a small or bigger way and go outside of your comfort zone then your opinion of yourself goes up.

You may not have done whatever you did in a spectacular or great way but you at least tried instead of sitting on your hands and doing nothing.

And that is something to appreciate about yourself and it can help you come alive as you get out of a rut.

So go outside of your comfort zone regularly. Don’t expect anything, just tell yourself that you will try something out.

And then later on you can do the same thing a few more times and improve your own performance.

And as always, if it feels too scary or uncomfortable then don’t beat yourself up. Take a smaller step forward instead by gently nudging yourself into motion.

10. Stop falling into the comparison trap.

When you compare your life, yourself and what you have to other people’s lives and what they have then you have destructive habit on your hands.

Because you can never win. There is always someone who has more or is better than you at something in the world. There are always people ahead of you.

So replace that habit with something better.

Look at how far you have come so far instead. Compare yourself to yourself. Focus on you. On your results. And on how you can and how you have improved your results. This will both motivate you and raise your self-esteem.

11. Spend more time with supportive people (and less time with destructive people).

Even if you focus on being kinder towards other people (and yourself) and on replacing a perfectionism habit it will be hard to keep your self-esteem up if the most important influences in your life drag it down on a daily or weekly basis.

So make changes in the input you get. Choose to spend less time with people who are nervous perfectionists, unkind or unsupportive of your dreams or goals. And spend more time with positive, uplifting people who have more human and kinder standards and ways of thinking about things.

And think about what you read, listen to and watch too. Spend less time on an internet forum, with reading a magazine or watching a TV-show if you feel it makes you unsure of yourself and if it makes you feel more negatively towards yourself.

Then spend the time you used to spend on this information source on for example reading books, blogs, websites and listening to podcasts that help you and that make you feel good about yourself.

12. Remember the whys of high self-esteem.

What is a simple way to stay consistent with doing something? As mentioned above: to remember the most important reasons why you are doing it.

So remind yourself of the whys at the start of this article to help yourself to stay motivated to work on your self-esteem and to make it an essential priority.

Doing this simple thing and keeping these powerful reasons in mind has done wonders for me. I hope it can do the same for you.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm not skeptical about self-compassion. It's one of the things that people with childhood-PTSD are often lacking so it may be lacking in many MLCers and perhaps in some LBSes.

[in it]

I confused self compassion with self pity in some respects. So I like how this article explained that.

[Medusa]

The self-compassion is fascinating, In It. Thank tih for sharing.

While reading it, I kept thinking of what we say tow thew newbies all the time: be gentle with yourself. I think that's a first step. We do need to be self-compassionate considering what so many of us have been through.